Sunday, June 30, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 34

It's over! Today is the big day! To close out the blogging aspect of this prayer and fasting challenge, I will leave you with a video clip:


Ludwig van Beethoven is one of my favorite composers of all time. In my opinion, he is also one of the best. Something I've been reflecting on is this marriage between God, a person, and a created musical piece. Sometimes people can agree that a work is truly divinely inspired. Other times, people agree that a piece of music most certainly is not. And other times, people disagree.

I do tend to believe that hymns, sacred choral anthems, worship & praise songs do tend to have at least some divine inspiration, as well as the idea that if the composer or songwriter truly does follow Jesus, then his or her work also is likely to have marks of His supernatural creativity.

While I do generally believe that those composers and songwriters who don't follow Jesus are much less likely to produce works co-created with Him, I don't necessarily subscribe to the thinking that because one is a non-believer, then his or her work is automatically not approved by Him. (Although it can be the case.) I actually do believe that God can and does sometimes speak through those who don't know Him or acknowledge Him. I believe that Beethoven is one of those people, especially later in his career, once he had gone completely deaf. I mean, how does one continue to compose music and not be able to hear it? (I know that that has been a question asked repeatedly by many people over the years.) Certainly, there must be some divine grace involved. Mustn't there?

Which brings me not only to Beethoven, but to his very last piano sonata. (I'm amazed that this guy cranked out 32 of these things! To date, I only really have one piano sonata done, with a second in the works.) By this point, he had been deaf for quite some time. Sure, by putting his head on the pianoforte when he played he could somewhat "hear" the notes, but, even that doesn't explain the clip I shared earlier in this post.

What if you hadn't known that it was Beethoven who had written the above? Who might've you guessed could have composed it? Scott Joplin, perhaps? What we have here is a section of music that sounds like the prototype for ragtime. How is that possible? The piece (Opus 111, Piano Sonata No. 32, C minor) from which this segment was taken was written in or around 1821; ragtime didn't become a thing til like 80 or so years later.

And that's my point. I believe that not only did God give this inspiration to Beethoven (a non-believer, mind you), but that He used him to try to point a message to people both then and now that He can use anyone. The Bible is full of stories where God chose the weak, the feeble, and the unlikely. After all, "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (1 Corinthians 1:27, New International Version) I mean, how does someone write music from the future? There really is no way one can know what the future holds, not until it becomes the present.

As such, I am still amazed by this work. A deaf man -- a deaf, angry, bitter, pill of a man -- was inspired to write music that he never heard while he still had his hearing, and music that wouldn't be replicated until almost a century later. There is no way that God wasn't front-and-center on this. There's just no way.

With that, I now take my blogging leave. Three posts are currently scheduled to appear during the month of July, all related to sports. I don't know yet when I'll return, but I intend to take my time away. If you made it all the way to the finish line with me on this prayer-and-fasting blogging challenge, I applaud you. I'm just amazed I made it to the finish line. Now to recharge before the next marathon.

Saturday, June 29, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 33

Today is the last "real" full day of the thirty-four thirty-three days (apparently) of fasting. In case you missed it, over a month ago, when the season of fasting was first introduced and I saw the dates "May 28 - June 30", I assumed that the fast would continue through June 30th, and not stop on June 30th. Then a few Sundays in (I forget which week), one of the pastors preaching confirmed in front of the whole congregation that, no, actually June 30th we break the fast as a church. Not that I mind, per se, but when I chose to be away from Facebook and announced as such, I specifically said that I would return on July 1st, not June 30th. I still intend to hold myself to that. After all, what's one more day?

I've decided to soften a bit how I end my fast; because my church is officially breaking the fast tomorrow, and not Monday like I had originally thought, I will follow suit in some ways: related to food, coffee, and alcohol (not that I really followed the fasting-from-coffee thing...) I will return to my previous normal. In regards to Facebook, I will abstain for the extra day like I publicly declared I would. In regards to YouTube, ESPN.com, other news and sports websites, and all games, my goal is to maintain the fast in perpetuity, or at least until I feel God tugging me to shift something there.

As I assess how last the 33 days have gone overall, it is easy for me to grade myself down in terms of my ability to maintain the discipline. It's also easy, on the other hand, for me to block out in my mind things I can learn and carry forward. So I'll abstain from reporting on all that now, simply because I have learned a lot and have been reflecting a lot, plus that much of my reflections are personal in nature. There were a couple devotionals that I had planned on getting to this month that I didn't. But, I have also done a lot of devotionals and Biblical reflections, and I have shared them on here.

The leader of the Monday night ministry I'm a part of (Hope for Artists) recently informed us of an invitation our new pastor (Pastor Ted) extended to us: he invited us to email him a selfie photo of us holding a piece of paper sharing how God intervened in our lives and in our faith walk over the last month. I won't share a photo, but I will share what I wrote on that piece of paper:

  1. I experienced a new level of God's grace, deeper than I ever have before.
  2. One night, while I was up late, anxious... I cried out to God, and I felt I heard the Holy Spirit say: "Expect Jesus."

As for my plan for the first week of July, I will be working; I chose not to take any scheduled days off. (I need the money...) But, because of the quirks that already exist in my schedule, I have a few days, a few opportunities, to create a "vacation" of sorts, without having to spend any money. I'm looking forward to it!

Friday, June 28, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 32

Years ago, when I was still relatively new to the Vineyard, I entered a season where I encountered a lot of pain. The disappointments that led to the pain, when I look back, were momentary in and of themselves. But the impact lasted for awhile, and eventually festered into a persistent anger and into unforgiveness. At some point, maybe 4-5 months after the season of pain began, I felt like I heard this: "read Matthew 6:15."

And I did. For context, I'll give you the previous verse as well:
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
--Matthew 6:14-15, New International Version
Looking back, I can see why I felt God highlight the second of those two verses rather than the first. The second one is more likely to get my attention. And I know He wanted to get my attention. It's a sign of a Father that does care, despite my persistent thoughts even to this day that still insinuate He doesn't. And as I've been reading and praying this morning through the passages from yesterday's post, I did connect to a verse in there that backs that up:
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.
--Psalm 6:9, New International Version
Again, Scriptural confirmation declaring that God does care about His creation, about His children.

Forgiveness is not something I've done particularly well in my life. There have been some instances where I am more able and more willing to forgive quickly; others, where, well, not so much.

I close today's post with a question that I have to ask myself periodically: who do you need to forgive?

Thursday, June 27, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 31

I felt God nudge me to read the following passages yesterday, and they feel like an apt summary of my spiritual life this week:

Job 6:1-4, 8, 24-30 (New International Version)
1 Then Job replied:
2 “If only my anguish could be weighed
and all my misery be placed on the scales!
3 It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas—
no wonder my words have been impetuous.
4 The arrows of the Almighty are in me,
my spirit drinks in their poison;
God’s terrors are marshaled against me. 
8 “Oh, that I might have my request,
that God would grant what I hope for, 
24 “Teach me, and I will be quiet;
show me where I have been wrong.
25 How painful are honest words!
But what do your arguments prove?
26 Do you mean to correct what I say,
and treat my desperate words as wind?
27 You would even cast lots for the fatherless
and barter away your friend.
28 “But now be so kind as to look at me.
Would I lie to your face?
29 Relent, do not be unjust;
reconsider, for my integrity is at stake.
30 Is there any wickedness on my lips?
Can my mouth not discern malice?
Psalm 6:1-6a, 9-10 (New International Version)
1 Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?
4 Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
5 Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?
6 I am worn out from my groaning. 
9 The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.

You'll notice that, for the purpose of this post, I did cut off a number of verses in each passage. A big part of that is simply in recognizing that I have an audience. As such, this is a time where I would set a personal boundary in regards to the content of my sharing. The verses I am choosing to share are those that I resonate with more than others, but also excludes a few others that reflect the deep, raw, and passionate desperation in which Job spoke his plea to his friends, in which King David also spoke his plea to God, and with which I too empathize. If you care to read each chapter in their full context, I'll link you to the full chapters via Biblegateway.com: (Job 6) (Psalm 6)

I'm going to make a goal of praying Psalm 6 from now until the fast ends on Sunday. I've heard about praying the Psalms, and occasionally I'll pray a few, but I've never really made it a habit beyond that.

One last thing I'll share is that yesterday, while I was driving to the post office from one of my workplaces, I saw three tan Honda CR-Vs from around 2004. (That's the vehicle I currently own.) I was on my way to the post office to mail a check, the next installment of a loan repayment to a couple who lent me money two years ago to buy my current vehicle, after my previous vehicle died. (I've been very, very slow to repay this loan, for various reasons.) Beyond the connection that I just made, I'm not really sure of the significance.  I believe that God was trying to reach me; I just don't know how.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 30

In this month, I put together a short list of devotionals I wanted to be sure to make sure I get through. I'm almost there. I still have a couple left, and the below quotation is one of them:
Solomon Consolidates His Reign (1 Kings 2:12-29)
"David's kingdom was established into the hands of Solomon. How Solomon ruled and lived personally remained to be seen. We may feel established in our lives, our marriage, spiritual journey, or career. There is a danger that we can get too comfortable. We must reflect daily on how we are living before the Lord. God is present. The purpose of spiritual discipline is to help us recognize what is already a fact and to open us up to the reality of God in human life. The best life we can live is a life oriented toward God. To live any other way is to rebel against our Creator and to destroy what we were made to be."
--William O. Paulsell, Taste and See
Occasionally my Bible that has devotionals in it will include one without any reflection questions. This one surprised me in that regard. Nonetheless, I will point out a couple sentences that stood out to me. The first one was "The purpose of spiritual discipline is to help us recognize what is already a fact and to open us up to the reality of God in human life." As I reflect on this last month, I am re-remembering that our pastors told us about this a month ago. The point of fasting, or focused prayer, or any other similar discipline is that it's not about us getting our prayers answered. (I'm still guilty of that, and I'm aware that I'll likely be fighting this battle for the rest of my life.) If anything changes as a result of praying and fasting, it's me. Not my circumstances.

The other sentence that jumped out was the very next one: "The best life we can live is a life oriented toward God." I would like to say that I have improved on this, just over the last month. What has become clear in a new way is that, when acting out via an addiction, my life is not oriented toward God in that moment. It means staying in that place that would ordinarily lead me to act out and soothe myself, (fear, anxiety, anger, grief, shame, etc) and then reach out to God in that. I've done that a few times, but in my book not enough times, because it's still not second nature to me. The thought of Malcolm Gladwell's "10,000 hours" concept sounds both appealing and overwhelming to me at the same time. But it would solve that. And recently when I did choose to reach out to God in my moment of anxiety because I really wanted to find a quick fix to temporarily remove that feeling, I heard back from the Holy Spirit: "Expect Jesus."

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 29

My church's message this past Sunday began a new series of focusing on the book of Acts. I assume that most of my readers know what the book of Acts is about, and where it fits chronologically in the Bible's story. For those who don't, it is the history of the apostles spreading the story of Jesus after He was raised from the dead and ascended into heaven. Our teaching pastor introduced the book and the time period as a very powerful but also confusing time.

In Acts 2:38 (New International Version) we read this: Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."

OK -- now what? The intellectual answer is easy: it is time for a new normal; there is no going back. But on a heart level, it is easier to understand why this might be seen as a confusing time. In the last decade, I've had many new normals. Some I've adjusted to easier, others have taken longer. But in each case, there was this tangible experience of leaving a season that was familiar and being thrust into something else. I know it often takes me a while to adjust, especially if the transition was not something I was prepared for, or if it was even something I wanted. And as I anticipate my professional transition, I don't know what is on the other side, beyond the theoretical. I don't know when it will happen, and for a control freak like me it scares me.

In less than a week, our period of praying and fasting as a church will end. I've not been exactly counting down the days, though. Doing a new discipline, while usually something that I burn out completely, this time has proven to be more fruitful and revelatory. (To be transparent, I will be looking forward to not having to blog every day!) And my post-fast plans include plans to continue aspects of this. In a number of ways, I've enjoyed it for myself.

But -- there is a time for everything. There is only so long one can continue to fast and pray. And while I've enjoyed this for myself, it will be good to move on to the next thing.

Monday, June 24, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 28

I finally enacted Phase 1 of my plan post-fast. I downloaded a website blocker app on my computer this morning. I'm still feeling out how to make it functional the way I want it, but it's a start. I still need to figure out what will work for my phone, as I've not been able to find the same website blocker app there.

Phase 2: I have an idea but still praying on it. I was inspired by Saturday's great weather to set aside a few days next week for the beginning of July to go to the beach and read (something I never do!), but I'm only really inspired to do that if the weather is good. Going out there in a rainstorm isn't exactly my cup of tea.

Speaking of rainstorms, we had one come through the area this afternoon, right as I was doing grocery shopping. Below is a pic I took right in front of the store before it passed through:


What is remarkable in this picture is that there is blue sky already visible from the other side of the storm, even before it hit us. And as you can see, the sun is already peeking out and shining on those clouds, from the other side of the storm. I don't know about you, but I've never seen that before, and I'm someone who pays attention to thunderstorms (safely, of course).

Today was a rough day in my prayer life. I had a series of arguments with God, primarily about certain circumstances being the way they are, and why some circumstances aren't the way I want them to be. I received some challenges, primarily through a couple messages on Christian radio, regarding my thinking on how I've always thought life "should" be. I'm still sitting with it.

I've begun to wonder again why it is so easy for me to quarrel with God, as if it's my first response, rather than to submit my prayers and petitions in a manner that indicates that I trust Him to take care of the issue. I've connected to the idea of perhaps being like Jacob or even Cain, but something else struck me deeper:

A sermon my girlfriend heard at her church about a month ago included a story of a 4-year-old boy who'd just gotten a baby brother asking his parents to have a few moments alone with the newborn. Naturally skeptical and concerned, the parents decided to acquiesce to his wishes, but stayed close, out of sight but not out of earshot. What the 4-year-old said to his few-days-old brother stunned the parents: "Quick! Tell me where you came from! Tell me who you are! I'm beginning to forget."

It opens the door to the possibility that perhaps when we all were born, we knew exactly who we are to God, and who we are in Christ. (Relax: original sin is still in play. I got it.) But as we grew from a newborn to a toddler to a child, somewhere along the way we all forgot, some of us forever. But I think about my journey, and how, at a very young age, some things happened that never were reconciled, and how at that age I took my experience with what little I had and turned it into a lifelong obsession to desire the "good life" that I saw so many of my peers growing up in. I suspect that I must have still been young enough to know that I could talk to God about anything, but my ability to trust Him, if I had any left, was gone by then. I cannot say for certain that this is the truth, but it's worth pondering. It would explain my compulsive quarreling thoughts.

Changes are here, and changes are yet to come. My thought life, when it is not at peace, is filled with questions, doubts, disbeliefs, and fears. Every day. I believe God gave me also an illustration of how I still see things, even with the tiny patch of blue sky and sunlight shining on the clouds on the back side of the story.


By the way, it really was not quite as dark outside as this photo makes it appear. Hmmm...

Sunday, June 23, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 27

I finally got to the final two questions from Trinity Community Church's sermon on Sunday, June 2, along with my answers. First, once again, a fresh look at Matthew 19:16-30: (New International Version)
The Rich and the Kingdom of God
16 Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
17 “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
18 “Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, 19 honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”
20 “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
21 Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
23 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
25 When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
27 Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?”
28 Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30 But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.
Now for the questions:

7.) As disciples we live for something more than immediate happiness. We live for a transcendent (greater) purpose. In what ways might that be attractive to folks living under American secularism? (or "secular Americanism"; as far as I'm concerned, they're both describing the same thing)

They see us doing things: preaching the Gospel, living the Gospel, persevering when times are hard, making connections with others, standing up for what we believe is right, but also working to listen empathically and change lives in the context of relationship. When we choose to live for this greater purpose, we're not settling, and we're not coasting. We're always seeking and pursuing something greater, and because God is driving our lives (once we truly let Him) our pursuits will not be in vain. And I suspect that it is that above all things which is attractive to those settling for a lifetime of comfort and security.

8.) Discipleship can be difficult and overwhelming if we look at it all as a whole. But really, day to day, it's a slow process. One missionary described discipleship as doing "the next good thing." ...discipleship will simply be a matter of being obedient to take each small step that the Holy Spirit brings to mind. What might be the next good thing for you this week?

One of the support meetings I used to go to had a saying (alongside "one day at a time"): "what is the next right thing?" In the context of this meeting it was usually reaching out to one's inner circle, one's group of closest friends who one can feel safe to share what is really going on, right now in this very moment. Because usually one's first impulse is to be alone with whatever one is struggling with. It's one way folks continue with their struggle or sin pattern.

But it is clear that that question also applies on the positive, the "next step of faith", in faith. (Now, that doesn't mean being reckless or acting on impulse: "it's not what I would usually do, so it must be God!" No. I've done that; it just put me in a ball of anxiety anytime I did that. That in itself usually is a giveaway that it's not Him.) Over the last week-and-a-half, my next right thing in terms of stepping out in faith was to get on the job search, and I've done that. Professionally, my next steps in terms of moving forward are as follows:
1.) Keep finding other employment agencies, and make connections.
2.) Land interviews with these agencies.
3.) Develop and maintain my expectations of pay, schedule, length of assignment minimum, and minimum lead time between learning of assignment and start date.
In terms of my spiritual discipline, one next right thing is to decide what breaking my fast will look like in July. The other thing is to determine how I will continue with greatly reducing internet time as it has been a major revelation for me. It will include me downloading some sort of app to block certain websites so I don't become addicted to them. (I mentioned this in my post yesterday.)

Saturday, June 22, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 26


The above photo is of one of my marathon-running friends. I don't remember what mile marker he was on when I snapped this photo, but it was sometime early in the second half, during the section of the race where runners typically tend to get the most tired.

Today, I'm on mile 20 of the current prayer and fasting marathon. In some ways I have found my second wind, but in other ways, it is clear that, metaphorically speaking, I need to continue training in order to run future spiritual marathons.

A year ago, before I met my girlfriend, my spiritual life had been in a big rut for quite awhile. Sure, I was working hard on myself to grow and continue to grow up (side note: I now realize that none of us are ever perfectly "grown up," and if you think you are, you're not only sadly mistaken but also deluding yourself), but I was progressing no further in terms of learning to trust in God over my circumstances, nor was I gaining any ground in developing and maintaining any kind of practical discipline to further this growth. I'm grateful for my relationship with her in many ways, and the one gratitude from our relationship that stands out to me in this moment is how much she has helped me in my faith walk. Also considering that I am beginning to walk the early stages of my professional transition, I cannot even begin to imagine how I would be handling this (and all the change and, at this stage, the impending goodbyes) without the spiritual growth I believe God has afforded me to walk out in the last year.

Looking back, the seeds for this professional shift began over a year ago. It started slowly, and for awhile it seemed rather that, once the challenges that were on my plate a year cleared, I would return and continue on my professional journey the way I have over the last six years. Over the last few months, however, the pace has quickened. The writing was on the wall: more concrete action steps would need to be taken, and soon.

When I first found out about the prayer and fasting challenge that my church, the Evanston Vineyard, was doing, I saw it as a logical next step, for many reasons. And in spite of my stumbles (I have continued to check ESPN.com on my phone even after my first slips), I have seen how much my life has improved by seriously limiting my internet time. I'm resting more, getting enough sleep more often, being more productive in the mornings, and multitasking less. But the biggest boon has been that I've been finally developing this discipline of reading the Bible and doing devotionals more regularly, without much effort. I'm still not doing this every day, and I'm still not "praying the list" every day. But I am finding that my response when I'm bored or anxious or stressed or sad is actually to talk to God more, and not in the usual yelling/complaining mode that I have typically done. That is a big shift that stands out to me.

What is before me now is two things: 1.) deciding what I'm going to do to break the fast come July 1, and 2.) what aspects of this fast will I not only keep but develop a system to ensure that I continue. I do believe that I will maintain a limit on my internet use, particularly that of ESPN.com (phone visits be darned) and YouTube. Updates and more formal declarations to come.

Friday, June 21, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 25

A few days before I left Facebook per my fast (which feels like forever ago), I posted the following video on my profile:

https://prolifereplies.liveaction.org/my-body-my-choice/?fbclid=IwAR0Qsd93U-KAcSsJEPWoY3VeCiENwq_zk-dRKr8CGRedfA8XWRAllslkECo

Simply put, this is a pro-life advocacy video. And simply put, I agree with it.

Politics is really not my favorite area to venture into. I have conservative views. And I have liberal views. And I have moderate views. And I have Christian views, which includes perspectives into each corner that I just named. As far as my news-watching, it really is largely limited to sports. My attitude on watching and awaiting the results from Election Night 2016, for example, was different from just about everyone else in the country, regardless of which side of the political aisle one was on. While many people stayed up late in anticipation and fear to find out who our next president would be, I simply went to bed. I reasoned that I will find out in the morning, anyway. Staying up late vs going to bed at a reasonable hour wasn't going to change the results, anyway. After all, I had done my duty and voted.

That said, there are a few things I do care about. Abortion is one of them. Ironically, when I was a younger man, I identified as pro-choice. Now I'm pro-life. The video above can and will explain better my perspective and reasoning than I can. Here are a few common lines of thought I want to address, though:

1.) "My body, my choice." I agree with that statement when it comes to sex. I don't agree that any woman should ever be subjected to unwanted sexual activity by a man (and vice versa). As a man, I have had to teach myself that a woman's body is not mine. (And no, I have thankfully not had to learn that the hard way!) The only body that is mine is the one that I'm inside. And yes, I do have a choice when it comes to that body. Such as, not attempting to impose on another person's body.

2.) "What about people who had sex and are not ready to be parents?" Mistakes happen. And to clarify, by a mistake, I don't mean the baby. I mean the choice to have sex and risk a pregnancy. Bottom line: this is why adoption agencies exist. I don't believe in forcing someone to be a parent, especially if they don't want to. (It's a dead giveaway that that person is not ready, and the person who suffers the most, even if kept alive, from having a parent who doesn't want to be a parent, is the child.)

3.) "What about poor people, or people of color, or those that have been marginalized? Shouldn't they count as people if we're going to count unborn babies as people?" Um, yes. Absolutely they should. So, why should it be the other way around where you have people who are for those that are poor, of color, and marginalized, but not for unborn babies?

4.) Back to "my body, my choice." The reason I am pro-life and not pro-choice boils down to this reason: life begins at conception, not at birth. That means, in God's eyes (and not our own, sorry), inside a pregnant woman's body is not her body, but someone else's body inside of her body. That means, it is not her body, her choice, but rather someone else's body, but still her choice. And when she chooses to abort another person's body, I'm sorry, but that is murder.

5.) The one question that might lead me to question the broad-brushstroke attitude I'll admit I have about it: situations have come up where a man rapes a woman, gets her pregnant, and gives her an STD (or even 2 of the 3). This gets stickier. Because as I've already expressed in bullet point #1, a man raping a woman violates "my body, my choice". What then? What also about cases where a woman becomes deathly ill because of the pregnancy, and what if ... abortion would actually save her life? And conversely, what if choosing not to abort means that the mother-to-be dies? I would hate to have to be the one to make a decision like that. My official answer to those questions is this: I don't know. I don't think I would be qualified, even in this blog post, to make the call on that one. I think it would be better for me to let someone else decide.

It is interesting, though, that this topic has only come up because of our current president has vowed to overturn Roe v Wade, and there has been more movement recently (ok, a month ago; here is a link to a video talking about it). As a result, I saw more posts on Facebook about it, including one from a business contact who expressed not only dislike for our president's renewed vow, but issued a challenge to all men that she was connected with on Facebook that silence assumed consent. As I said earlier in this post, I don't like politics and prefer to remain disengaged (and silent) most of the time, primarily for my sanity. I felt a fire lit under my bottom. So I posted on Facebook.

I eventually realized that there might've come a point for me to talk about it further in depth. I've decided that today is that time.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 24

I decided to continue off one of the verses from yesterday's post:
John 20:24-28 New International Version (NIV) 
Jesus Appears to Thomas
24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

Note: for those of you who are familiar with the "Doubting Thomas" passage above, you probably noticed that I didn't include the next verse: [Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29, New International Version] The reason I excluded it above is that I feel like this verse often has been misused to shame others for "not having enough faith." I imagine that this misuse, and the shaming message that has accompanied it, has been enough not only to justify atheists' and agnostics' reasoning for believing that Christians are bad people (and the idea that Christianity is a B.S. religion), but it has also been enough to chase people away from the church who were going to church and hearing about Jesus. This angers me. At some point in our lives, even those us that have "the most faith" fail at some point. None of us, no matter how hard any one of us tries to appear otherwise, has perfect faith at all times. It never has happened, and it never will happen.

The thing about the "Doubting Thomas" passage is that Thomas was someone who didn't believe something simply because he heard someone say it. He's actually smart for it, as far as I'm concerned. As one can see in the passage, Jesus actually honors Thomas' doubt. Yes, you read that right: Jesus honors Thomas' doubt. First off, in the text in verse 25, Thomas speaks his truth to the other disciples, and Jesus wasn't present in the flesh at that time. A week later (see verse 26) Jesus does show up, and knew that Thomas was skeptical of His death and resurrection. How He knew, I don't know. It doesn't say. It doesn't matter. The point is, Jesus knew Thomas had doubts and met him in those doubts. In verse 27, when He says "Stop doubting and believe," He says that only after He invited Thomas to touch His wounds. It's not a shaming, hierarchical statement; it's a relational statement. Jesus knew Thomas wouldn't believe otherwise (like he had said a week earlier), and He still wanted a relationship with him. So He invited him to touch him so that his doubts would then disappear. And guess what, they did.

The God of the Bible is not, I repeat, not someone who merely towers over you and expects you to measure up and be perfect in every way. That's what Satan, the enemy of our Lord and the enemy of our world, wants you to believe. What is true is that the adults who are broken and insecure about their brokenness want to hide it. One way they hide is by powering up and looking bigger and more intimidating than they really are. And if such an adult were to come across a small child, let alone be the parent of a small child, it really would appear as if this adult were towering over the child and expecting the child to measure and be perfect in every way. I have seen and heard this story over and over again, from various different people in my life. And it is one of the most subtle ways one can damage a child's self-esteem.

The God I know is in the business of redeeming, healing, and transformation. Yes, there is a heaven and a hell, but I don't believe that God wants anyone to end up in hell. His desire is that everyone chooses a relationship with Him. But -- sin. It grieves God when we sin (regardless of whether we say yes to Him or not) because there is something tangibly painful for Him. Primarily relational. It's really no different in our relationships with one another: if I say or do something that hurts another human being (and vice versa), it affects the relationship (does it not?). And in the Bible, God has made it clear the things that hurt Him. But how we can grow from that is to say yes to relationship with Him, and in the process say yes to redemption, healing, and transformation. And in the same way, those that are hurting, that are broken, that are sick, that are poor (in spirit, in finances, whatever), can turn to Jesus and reasonably expect to receive healing and transformation. After all, over the last nine years, it has happened to me, for which I'm very grateful.

[A final note for today: Something I'm going to confess on here is that I'm not good at choosing to give to the poor. When I see a person at a red light holding a sign that is asking for money, or for help, my first instinct is to roll up my window (if it's down) and then look straight ahead. In truth, I don't know what to do. I have my own tight fist when it comes to money, even though I don't consider myself wealthy. And I battle in my mind about whether I should give some money ("something is better than nothing"), or if I should give more money ("$1 won't even buy them water"), or if I'm giving too much away ("$20?!? Are you crazy?"), or if I'm rationalizing and justifying that because I tithe to my church (and I actually do tithe) and occasionally to other ministries that I don't have to give anything to a person holding a sign at the red light I'm at. I don't really know what to do about it, except I just understand that I need to do something differently. I am blessed, and part of my blessing is to use it to bless others. It's what I believe God wants.]

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 23

On Monday night, I heard a really good message (encouraging and challenging at the same time), at the Hope for Artists worship & creativity night. For those of you who weren't there, you missed a good one (especially for those who identify as artists).

In this post, I just want to share a few notes from the message.

1.) "Be ready for God to use you where you're at."

2.) Jesus doesn't turn away those who seek healing, who ask Him for it. 

3.) The Holy Spirit wants to meet us where we are at, with our doubt, our shame, and our weakness.
John 20:24-28, New International Version 
Jesus Appears to Thomas 
24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” 26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” 28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”  
4.) The Holy Spirit wants to heal us holistically: physically, spiritually, emotionally, creatively, because when one area of a person is suffering, the whole person suffers; when one area of a person heals, the whole person heals.
1 Thessalonians 5:23, New International Version 
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Matthew 9:36, New International Version  
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.
5.) The Holy Spirit wants to heal us so we can heal others through Him, to bring transformation to others through Him.
Ezekiel 37:5, New International Version 
This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.
Amen!

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 22

Today is Tuesday, and I forgot to fast from food today. Oh, well.

Today I found the energy for my devotional to answer the next three questions from Trinity Community Church's sermon from Sunday, June 2 (you can access it here).

Here again is the Bible passage from Matthew 19:16-30 (New International Version)
The Rich and the Kingdom of God
16 Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
17 “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
18 “Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, 19 honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”
20 “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
21 Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
23 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
25 When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
27 Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?”
28 Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30 But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

Here are questions 4 through 6 (there are 8 in total).
4.) Are there ways that you are trying to have it all together, or at least come across like you have it all together? 
Looking back through my notes, I actually answered this question twice, once two weeks ago, and again today. Here's part of what I wrote today:
For me, this is a question about control, or at least the feeling of being in control. A very critical juncture of my life (ages 5-10) where I was supposed to be receiving love, peace, care, empathy, as well as learning the first steps toward the responsibilities of adulthood (like school), was anything but. Not only that, but there was this expectation that, in spite of the pain I was living with, and the complete gaps in my development on all levels, I was still expected to be perfect in every way. How I survived that era of my life was two-fold: 1.) suppress my feelings and my truth, and 2.) "figure out" how to measure up to all the behavioral requirements and schoolwork requirements that were before me. To be able to do both, I had to find a way to control everything -- and I mean, everything -- in order to hold it together. And because my experience with God was so limited at that time, control (or the illusion thereof) was the only way out.
So that still plays out today: when I encounter a conflict or a potential conflict, my mind will go into my argument fantasies, because that is my way of "controlling" what I think is the situation. I wasn't big enough when I was 5,6,7,8,9,10; so I relentlessly would enter these scenarios in my mind and imagine that, if I were big enough, I could control not only the argument but also the circumstance; and then I would get love, peace, care, empathy, etc. The fact that it has never worked still hasn't deterred me from trying. 
5.) How does that get in the way of following Jesus? 
If I'm trying to be in control, then I'm not letting Jesus be in control. If I'm trying to control everything, then I'm not surrendering everything to Him; I'm choosing not to trust Him. And if I'm not trusting Him, then I'm not following Him. A simple answer, but not at all an easy one. 
6.) How does the Gospel (or the Good News) free us from shame over our limitations and failures? 
The Good News is that there's grace. When I confess my sins, failures, and limitations, and surrender my desire to control the situation over to Jesus, He does respond. Today, I was 15 minutes late for an interview. My inability to control and change the circumstance (once it became apparent that I was going to be late) led me to ask God for grace, and He supplied it. My interviewer called me, which gave me the opportunity to let her know that I was running behind, and to give her an ETA. I then shared that one reason I was late was because I'd forgotten where I'd parked my car and hadn't realized it at first. There was grace in that moment; my interviewer understood completely. That was Jesus.
One final note -- I've reflected it in recent posts, but it feels appropriate to put it here today as well -- I've completely stopped following my church's prayer calendar, as well as that of my own prayer calendar. What I'm holding on to, from my experience a few days ago, really is God's grace. In the past, I would beat myself up for not being perfect, for not following all the disciplines that I said I would. I'm not doing that this time. Sure, I'm disappointed, but, again, receiving and experiencing God's grace has even freed me from being too disappointed. I am seeing prayers answered nonetheless. And for that I am quite grateful.

Monday, June 17, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 21


Hi all,

Today I would like to share a progress update: I have an interview coming up on Tuesday with a temp agency regarding temp-to-hire work. I bit the bullet this past Wednesday and reached out to a connection on LinkedIn from my days temping via Office Team in my pre-musical career days. This recruiter* moved on to another company, Beacon Hill Staffing, based in Glenview, but it was nice to know that this person remembered me (I definitely remembered her, as well as other recruiters* who got me temp jobs from 2010 to 2014). Moreover, I'm now in touch with another recruiter* who will work more directly with me to help get me jobs that would be a good fit. Given that one of my prayer areas has to do with moving up in adulthood and in life, this is a big step in that direction. I also think that finding temp work will be perfect for this stage, as I still don't have that clear picture as to my purpose in life calling-wise. Regardless, I am excited.

It is also a big change. Music of course has always been a part of my life. But the last 7 years it's been the primary professional focus. Immediately after I moved on from Rubicon in July 2012, a complete stranger approached me at my church about joining his band (we're now friends). And things moved forward from there. More opportunities came my way. I took them and ran with them. It all has been good, and I've been thankful. I've certainly learned a lot more about being a musician over the last 7 years than I did over the previous 27.

What I posted on Saturday is a snapshot of where I am with it all now, as well as where I feel life calling me. I'm a composer, a performer, a teacher; I am. But therein lies the difficulty of it: what happens when life begins to shift under your feet? What then? The short answer is to trust God. Which, as you know (if you've been reading my posts this month), I don't do very easily, and some days not at all. The nice thing I'm continuing to discover and re-discover is that He has more than enough grace to cover that. So instead of feeling like I have to dig my heels in this standoff between trusting God and not trusting God, on the side of not trusting God, I see that I get to try again. And Saturday's way of doing prayer and fasting was a welcome surprise, especially given that at this point I've fallen completely off praying the prayer calendar that my church gave me, let alone my own list.

Of course, there are other reasons (more positive ones) that I'm also doing this. But that'll be for another post.

Regards,
Me

*I use "recruiter" as a general term here; both persons I referenced are directors.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 20

This morning I came across a notecard where I had written Deuteronomy 32:27 on it. When I read that verse and really that section, that's what led me to decide "I'm in" to Christ. This was in March 2013, during the year I was reading through the entire Bible, front to back.
Deuteronomy 32:26-27, New International Version 
I said I would scatter them
and erase their name from human memory,
but I dreaded the taunt of the enemy,
lest the adversary misunderstand
and say, ‘Our hand has triumphed;
the Lord has not done all this.’
A lot of what made God appealing to me was that I got to see what seems like a glimpse at His (almost) human-ness, a crack in this picture I'd had from a young age of this Perfect Almighty God Who Is Too High And Too Perfect To Be Anything Like Me. In the previous couple years, as He was drawing me closer to Him (while I was still technically unsaved), I had a number of moments particularly where I would feel pain or frustration, come across something either in the Bible or a Christian inspiration book, and feel validated, like God not only knew what I felt but also felt what I felt. How I took it was: "Here, God is like me." Yes, perhaps this is a more self-centered perspective, but I learned not to discount the lengths God is willing to go to bring me towards Him.

In response, I wrote the following song, "Believing That He Can Help Me," off the album "Not Just Salvation But Recovery," which I posted on my Bandcamp site in December 2015. The lyrics to the fourth verse was my immediate response to the above passage from Deuteronomy.

Saturday, June 15, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 19


My prayer and fasting today came in an unexpected manner. I reserved a spot for a songwriting workshop at a Vineyard church in the Hyde Park neighborhood of Chicago. They had had a couple such workshops at my church in Evanston but I was unavailable for either of them. (I think I also found out about them last minute.) I had signed up for it, 1.) because I've never done a "songwriting" workshop in my life, 2.) because I thought it would be fun, and 3.) in the midst of a lot of big-life transitions I anticipate coming up -- and the appropriate reflections -- this would've been a good opportunity to try and connect differently with music that would also be an attempt on my part to give the glory back to God in my music. A song that has been kind of front-and-center for me is the song "Heart of Worship" by Matt Redman. Below is a sample of the lyrics:
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song itself is not what You have required
You search much deeper within, through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart 
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made,
When it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus
[By the way, Hope for Artists is having its Worship and Creativity night this Monday, June 17th at the Evanston Vineyard Church. We'll be doing this song, among others. We would love for you to come!]

The short answer to why this song has been huge is that, over the last 6-7 years, I've been trying to do music full-time, both creatively and career-path-wise. It has been a lot of fun in a lot of ways. But in looking back, I've been beginning to see how I started idolizing music and wanting the glory of the music-making and music-performing process for myself. And there are a number of ways I'm seeing that this might have materialized. As such, it is clear that the glory, even in the joy of making and performing certain pieces (and even in seeing my piano students succeed and have musical breakthroughs), that all needs to go back to God.

In the end, it was really why I signed up for the workshop. It was connected with a Vineyard church, and I saw it as an opportunity to both try something different from what I've been doing, as well as find a space to practice connecting with God in my music-making (which I rarely have been doing), and to practice putting Him first in the process.

Instead, I ended up not going. To be sure, I made it all the way to downtown Chicago before I pulled the plug. In the end, I had left my home about 5 minutes later than what my phone projection said I should've left (whoops). My prayers and declarations of favor on the route that my map app had determined the fastest (for all traffic lights to be green, for all vehicles and other roadblocks to be removed, and for the lost time to be redeemed) turned out to be the opposite: more red lights, more traffic, and my phone's projection of my ETA moved from maybe 5 minutes late, to 20 minutes late, to 35-40 minutes late. It was clear by the time I was halfway down there that there was spiritual warfare. It was like the enemy of my soul didn't want me to go, and he successfully made it impossible.

So I let it go. I circled back and took the very slow, very scenic route home. I decided to try to have my own private composing workshop in a Starbucks about 3-4 miles northwest of downtown Chicago. Instead, I journaled and doodled on a page of music paper for about an hour and a half. There was jazz playing on in the background. I couldn't focus. It didn't matter much; I had pulled out a bunch of Biblical texts I had printed out and stuck in one of my composition folders, looked through them, and wasn't at all inspired.

In the end, as I reflect on choosing not to go to today's songwriting workshop, the question finally really came to me: "do I really want to collaborate?" In the Classical world, composers rarely collaborate, perhaps only with those that will help them orchestrate their music. In the jazz/rock/blues/pop world, rarely is it really one person that writes a whole song. Or so it seems. It seems that there is this expectation of collaboration, that one person will write one part of a song, and another will write another, and so on, and that the process will also include one person possibly changing another person's musical ideas to suit a different part of the song that was written by a different person. And the truth is, I'm not sure I really like "collaborating" like that.

There's more to reflect, to be sure. More to process, more to ponder, more to think through and to pray through. I know that a big part of my musical fatigue is that I do earnestly miss it when it was just me and God.

A few God-winks on the day:
1.) A sense of peace when I emailed the songwriting group to tell them I wasn't coming.
2.) Rain. (My girlfriend and her family love rain)
3.) The spot where I pulled over while driving home (I had remembered I needed to text my girlfriend) was at the intersection of Lincoln Avenue and Mozart Street.
4.) A bumper sticker that said "Don't Box God In."

Friday, June 14, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 18

Yesterday while out, I saw a license plate that said "JOSHUA 8." It wasn't until hours later that I finally pulled up the chapter on my Biblegateway.com app on my phone. I think there's not much more I can say, so here is the text:
Joshua 8:1-29, New International Version
Then the Lord said to Joshua, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Take the whole army with you, and go up and attack Ai. For I have delivered into your hands the king of Ai, his people, his city and his land. You shall do to Ai and its king as you did to Jericho and its king, except that you may carry off their plunderand livestock for yourselves. Set an ambush behind the city.” 
So Joshua and the whole army moved out to attack Ai. He chose thirty thousand of his best fighting men and sent them out at night with these orders: “Listen carefully. You are to set an ambush behind the city. Don’t go very far from it. All of you be on the alert. I and all those with me will advance on the city, and when the men come out against us, as they did before, we will flee from them. They will pursue us until we have lured them away from the city, for they will say, ‘They are running away from us as they did before.’ So when we flee from them, you are to rise up from ambush and take the city. The Lord your God will give it into your hand. When you have taken the city, set it on fire. Do what the Lord has commanded. See to it; you have my orders.” 
Then Joshua sent them off, and they went to the place of ambush and lay in wait between Bethel and Ai, to the west of Ai—but Joshua spent that night with the people.
Early the next morning Joshua mustered his army, and he and the leaders of Israel marched before them to Ai. The entire force that was with him marched up and approached the city and arrived in front of it. They set up camp north of Ai, with the valley between them and the city. Joshua had taken about five thousand men and set them in ambush between Bethel and Ai, to the west of the city. So the soldiers took up their positions—with the main camp to the north of the city and the ambush to the west of it. That night Joshua went into the valley. 
When the king of Ai saw this, he and all the men of the city hurried out early in the morning to meet Israel in battle at a certain place overlooking the Arabah. But he did not know that an ambush had been set against him behind the city. Joshua and all Israel let themselves be driven back before them, and they fled toward the wilderness. All the men of Ai were called to pursue them, and they pursued Joshua and were lured away from the city. Not a man remained in Ai or Bethel who did not go after Israel. They left the city open and went in pursuit of Israel. 
Then the Lord said to Joshua, “Hold out toward Ai the javelin that is in your hand, for into your hand I will deliver the city.” So Joshua held out toward the city the javelin that was in his hand. As soon as he did this, the men in the ambush rose quickly from their position and rushed forward. They entered the city and captured it and quickly set it on fire. 
The men of Ai looked back and saw the smoke of the city rising up into the sky,but they had no chance to escape in any direction; the Israelites who had been fleeing toward the wilderness had turned back against their pursuers. For when Joshua and all Israel saw that the ambush had taken the city and that smoke was going up from it, they turned around and attacked the men of Ai. Those in the ambush also came out of the city against them, so that they were caught in the middle, with Israelites on both sides. Israel cut them down, leaving them neither survivors nor fugitives. But they took the king of Ai alive and brought him to Joshua. 
When Israel had finished killing all the men of Ai in the fields and in the wilderness where they had chased them, and when every one of them had been put to the sword, all the Israelites returned to Ai and killed those who were in it. Twelve thousand men and women fell that day—all the people of Ai. For Joshua did not draw back the hand that held out his javelin until he had destroyed all who lived in Ai. But Israel did carry off for themselves the livestock and plunder of this city, as the Lord had instructed Joshua. 
So Joshua burned Ai and made it a permanent heap of ruins, a desolate place to this day. He impaled the body of the king of Ai on a pole and left it there until evening. At sunset, Joshua ordered them to take the body from the pole and throw it down at the entrance of the city gate. And they raised a large pile of rocks over it, which remains to this day.
More thoughts on the winners writing the history books: Given that Joshua ultimately killed every single person (including the king) of the town, how could the "losers" from this battle have written the history of what happened? Would you even have wanted to hear the story of this battle from Ai's perspective, anyway? Given that in this case, the text clearly says that God said: "I have delivered into your hands the king of Ai, his people, his city and his land." It doesn't get much clearer than that.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 17

A couple nights ago, my girlfriend shared with me a Psalm that was encouraging:
Psalm 74:10-22, New International Version 
10 How long will the enemy mock you, God?
Will the foe revile your name forever?
11 Why do you hold back your hand, your right hand?
Take it from the folds of your garment and destroy them!
12 But God is my King from long ago;
he brings salvation on the earth.
13 It was you who split open the sea by your power;
you broke the heads of the monster in the waters.
14 It was you who crushed the heads of Leviathan
and gave it as food to the creatures of the desert.
15 It was you who opened up springs and streams;
you dried up the ever-flowing rivers.
16 The day is yours, and yours also the night;
you established the sun and moon.
17 It was you who set all the boundaries of the earth;
you made both summer and winter.
18 Remember how the enemy has mocked you, Lord,
how foolish people have reviled your name.
19 Do not hand over the life of your dove to wild beasts;
do not forget the lives of your afflicted people forever.
20 Have regard for your covenant,
because haunts of violence fill the dark places of the land.
21 Do not let the oppressed retreat in disgrace;
may the poor and needy praise your name.
22 Rise up, O God, and defend your cause;
remember how fools mock you all day long.

The Psalm was in context with her church's sermon series "Genesis 1," which has been going on the last few weeks, almost perfectly concurrently with my church's sermon series on prayer and fasting.

I'm not going to be able to do justice to her church's sermon series. It's a fresh take on the story of creation, and a fresh take on the God both Christians and Jews worship and serve. For starters, the entire Old Testament (or Hebrew Scriptures for any Jewish readers in my audience) that dates to before the Jews' exile to Babylon had been destroyed by the Babylonians when they invaded, conquered, and destroyed everything, including the Temple. So everything, from Genesis and Exodus, to the Psalms and even the prophets (Isaiah, Jeremiah, and the rest), had to be re-written from scratch. Why the first chapter of Genesis was such a big deal can be traced to the Babylonians' version of how humans came to be on this earth. I'm not going to try to regurgitate all the details, but the short version is that there were multiple gods in the heavens, who got into a fight, and one of them (a goddess, I think) died. From her ruins human beings were created. In the Babylonian version of things, humans were created specifically to serve and please the gods, which was an impossible task anyway. As such, life was nasty, brutish, and short (I borrowed that one from philosopher Thomas Hobbes), and there was no point, no relationship between God and humanity beyond what meager attempts us humans can do to please them.

Genesis 1 essentially kicks the Babylonians' story in the pants. Our God, the God of both the Jews and the Gentiles (eventually), created the universe out of chaos. The first two verses from the Book of Genesis point this out:
Genesis 1:1-2, New International Version
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
In this case, the waters that this passage is referring to is chaos. So He created the universe and the earth from chaos. And in this story, our God, once He created humans, gave us a choice: to love and serve Him, or to just do what you want with no regard for God or anyone else.

[That choice, mind you, is still very much in play today. Anyone who isn't a Christian who claims that evolution is the correct story; who claims that there is no God (or that there might not be a God (or god)); or who even claims that if science can't prove it or verify it, then it must not exist... they too are making a choice to live for themselves and anything else that is not part of the agenda of the God of the Bible.]

In this past Sunday's sermon in this series at her church, the pastor also brought up Revelation 21, a promise God makes at the end of time that He will once again remove all the chaos in the world.
Revelation 21:1, New International Version 
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.
The "sea" reference is the same as the earlier "waters" reference: chaos. I sure hope it doesn't take a Jesus follower to realize that there is chaos and evil in the world. (I hope even the atheists and agnostics are aware of that!) Not only that, but I think it can be agreed on that the world is getting worse and worse, with more acts of terrorism, with racism and sectarianism and tribalism, etc, on the rise. Despite our best human efforts, we will not make the world better on our own (and really, I don't think we ever have, not without Jesus). As such, it will require Jesus coming back, in full force, for the world to be made right. And yes, it will be a scary day when it happens. But those whose hearts truly are on our Lord, then it'll be ok for them. But not for those whose hearts aren't.

As a last comment, I have a coworker who has said on multiple occasions regarding religion, that "the winners write the history books." I've wrestled with that for a while, but I've actually come to agree with that statement. But what I've also come to at this point is that what separates the Christians apart from the other religions, and from all the nations of the world, is that not only do we write the history books, but we also write books of history yet to happen. And in that history yet to happen, we do once again win. It's called the Book of Revelation. And all of us who have ever been alive in the flesh, past or present, we are all part that history book yet to happen. The question is: which side will each person be on when the end comes? The winning side, or the losing side? What determines that is simply this: will you surrender your life to Jesus Christ, accept Him as both Savior and Lord of your life, and willingly enter into relationship with Him? If yes, you automatically win. If no, you automatically lose. It's as plain and simple as that.

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 16

I did relapse yesterday by going onto ESPN.com for about an hour. I'm not going to lie; it felt good. If this week reminded me anything, it's that as much as I want to turn to God (and I do), I also don't. As much as I have claimed that I want to surrender my life to Him and let Him drive the car that is my life, I also don't.

The pastors who have preached on Sundays so far have encouraged us that if we fall off the fasting path, we can just try again the next day. When I relapse, I'm finding that that's not the battle I'm fighting. The battle I fight is a battle of wills. On the one hand, I want to follow Jesus and into all that He has for me, because I understand that following Him is more rewarding than anything else. On the other hand, I want the American Dream, and the things that a number of my friends' parents were able to give to my friends when we were growing up. I want it because I want the pain of my past erased, because I think that that's how it's going to work. I also want to eat my cake and to have it, too. And yes, I want the impossible, and on my terms. And there's the rub.

The below passage, I've been thinking about, especially at times like this when I wrestle with grabbing tightly onto my will vs the thought of actually laying it down.
Genesis 32:22-32, New International Version 
Jacob Wrestles With God
That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel 
[aka "Face of God"], saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.
When I injured my lower back three weeks ago, this passage came across my mind. As I write, it is almost completely healed. A few months ago, I also screwed up another part of my body (mildly), but that too has healed. Thoughts came across my mind in both instances of the possibility of either body part not healing or not healing properly. I have a toe I fractured a few years ago, as well as a permanently cracked fingernail from when I was 12, that can attest to that line of thinking.

For the record, I have heard it said that the man that wrestled with Jacob was Jesus, before He came into the flesh a few millennia later.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 15

Today's post also will be more of a check-in. Today marks two weeks since we as a church began praying and fasting, with two weeks and five days to go.

Regarding fasting:

My abstinence from Facebook, YouTube, ESPN.com (or other sports or news site), 2048, Bible Word Verse, etc. is continuing to go well. It's making a difference, not just for my fast but for my life. When this month of prayer and fasting ends, I intend to continue to abstain from games and most sites. I'm not clear yet what that will look like, how much "relaxing" of the boundaries there will be from where they are currently set.

I am adding (for now) music-making at home to the fast list. I hit a realization that what I started doing to waste time, in lieu of the internet, was to begin listening to my own songs and compositions over and over again. I would do this late at night, or first thing in the morning, just like I would with the other screen addictions.

One other change is that I'm shortening the once-a-week food fast. Today I am planning to fast from food until about 3PM, and then slowly break the fast until evening. Last Tuesday I fasted per my previous set up, ate dinner, and then developed a headache and a bellyache. I'm not putting myself through that again.

Regarding praying and devotionals:

This second week has been much bumpier. My motivation is down, compared with the first week. I've slacked off praying for the items on my own personal prayer list. Moreover, over the last several days I have even omitted the items on my church calendar list.

Something I did discover was that during the first week, I did have the enthusiasm to dive right into praying, reading Scripture, and doing devotionals. It's there, despite what I tell myself much of the time. What I did find, though, about this time a week ago, was that there was so much to write, journal, reflect, that it became overwhelming. There was just too much to catch up, that I fell behind.

Today I'm hoping to catch up, at least somewhat. In addition to getting back on track with the prayers, I'm hoping to get back on track also with the questions from Sunday a week ago's sermon from Matthew 19, as well as continuing through the devotionals in the book of 1st Kings.

Regarding feasting:

Last week, I had chosen to feast more on music-making, since I didn't really do that the first week. While it was really good for one day, it turned out to be more of a distraction than an asset to my prayer and fasting. So it's gone until July.

My aim the next couple of days is to nail down exactly what I'm doing to "feast" for the first week of July. Now that I'm giving up music-making (outside of my work obligations, of course), one possible solution is to then take that week and crank out a few more recordings. We'll see.

Monday, June 10, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 14

Yesterday's prayer on the Evanston Vineyard's prayer calendar for this month said this:
God, show me the life You want for me. Help me find a place in the world where I can make a difference for Your kingdom.
It is more or less the "why am I here? / what's my purpose?" question off my own personal prayer list. It's a dangerous prayer, though, because I tend to imagine an answer that would call me away from where I am now: away from my home, my family, my community, and everything else that is current in my life that has been of much comfort. I have wrestled with God about it at times. And yet, this is one of my central prayers this month: why AM I here? (Particularly in the face of all the challenges that are current, as well as those that are looming.)

What strikes me immediately about this prayer today on my church's prayer calendar vs. my own personal prayer checklist is that, while in spirit they are almost the same questions, the approach and the endgame are different. My question, "what's my purpose?" of course is self-centered, both in the now and in the later (i.e. the rest of my life). Even now, I still want to know what the chart will be for the next 50 years of my life, and I want to know it now so I can study it and plan. But that's not my church's version of this prayer. My church's prayer moves the approach from "me" to "the kingdom" which is something larger than me. It's "how can I serve the kingdom?" regardless of what happens to me at any point along the way. Then the endgame moves from this set-in-stone roadmap of comfort and security for the rest of my life, to again the kingdom. It is then about how I serve the kingdom, and what the kingdom gets out of that. Again, regardless of what happens to me at any point along the way. That's the endgame.

For those who are non-Christians reading this, I'm guessing you may be wondering: what the heck is this "kingdom" I'm talking about? The short answer is that I am referring to the kingdom of heaven, where God the Father and Creator of the universe dwells; where Jesus, the Son of God reigns; and where the Holy Spirit, all the company of good angels, and those throughout all of human history who have lived their lives faithful to serving Jesus live. To be transparent, I don't have much more knowledge than that to more fully articulate it. But, I will copy and paste a few Bible verses for you to munch on: (all verses New International Version translation)
Matthew 13:34
The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
Matthew 5:3
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 8:11
I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven.

More to come.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 13

Still feeling some burnout from the prayer/devotional aspect of the prayer and fasting. Today's post will reflect that. That, and I have a full day scheduled: church, hosting a piano recital, and celebrating a milestone birthday of a friend of mine. I won't be home til late tonight.

Continuing off the opening statement from yesterday's post -- I've been working on music. In addition to some of the solo piano projects I mentioned earlier in this prayer and fasting season, I've been coming back to a two pop-song projects that are disparate from each other: one that I began in January 2016, and another I began in August 2017. Below are some of the lyrics to the two songs:

Song 1: "How Much Longer?"
I'm just tired
No matter how hard I try
I just can't let this go
And believe me, I've tried
My dreams are going to naught
And it seems the easiest dreams
Are the ones that are the furthest away 
How much longer must I do my work
To prove that I'm capable?
How much more do I need to grow
To show that I'm ready? 
I'm just worn
All the thoughts in my head
They just won't go away
Even when I catch them
And my strength is going to naught
And it seems the easiest things are the ones that are the hardest to do 
How much longer must I fight the fight
Until the war is won?
How much more do I need to wear
The armor of truth and justice?

Song 2: Psalm 40 (my adaptation)
I waited patiently for the Lord
And He inclined to me and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit and miry clay
And He set my feet upon a rock and steadied my path 
And He has put a new song in my mouth
Yes, praise to our God
Many shall see it and fear and trust in the Lord
Blessed is the one who puts complete trust in the Lord 
Many are the wonders You have done, O Lord my God
The thoughts and plans You have for us, none can recount to You
Many are the wonders You have done, O Lord my God
No one can compare to You (O Lord my God) 
I delight to do Your will, O Lord my God
Your law is deep in my heart
I proclaimed Your righteousness before Your great church
And I did not restrain my lips
That, O Lord, You know 
But I am poor and needy
And yet You think about me/us
Only You are my/our help and only You are my/our Savior
Please don't hesitate to come, my/oh Lord and rescue me/us

The first song is essentially complete, compositionally, and currently in recording stage. The second song still needs a bridge, and, as you can tell from the final verse, some lyrics still need fleshing out. Both songs were written during times of God sowing, tilling, and change on the way. This month, with all that I'm doing, feasting, fasting, and all that's going on around me, is yet another such time. I'm curious to see what happens. Because I know something will.

Saturday, June 8, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 12

I've been really feasting lately on some of my musical projects. Even though my fasting is still holding up, other parts of my feasting, like my prayer, devotional, and Scriptural study, have slowed a bit. As good as this season has been (both the praying/fasting and recuperating from a lower back injury), I'm kinda burned out. So even though I blogged yesterday, I didn't journal or study scripture. Maybe there is something to be said for taking a Sabbath from all this holy work. I think about God and how He created the universe in six days and then rested the seventh, only resuming work again on the eighth day. I then think about the fourth commandment that He gave us (well, to the Israelites first, and eventually to the rest of us):

“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
Exodus 20:8-11, New International Version

Even though ironically I've been doing every day what God commands us to do on the Sabbath day, maybe there's something to be said for taking a Sabbath from prayer and fasting. But don't ask me yet what that looks like. I don't know, and to rush to pick something to do (usually the first thing that comes to me via impulse) sounds to me a rather dangerous idea.

Friday, June 7, 2019

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 11



I don't consider myself an aggressive driver. In fact, I have had numerous days and seasons where I will refuse to go above the speed limit, simply because I don't want to. Simply because I know that there is a direct correlation between speeding (and simply driving faster) and stress. The faster you go, the more slow vehicles you have to pass, and also negotiating and navigating who to pass and when, as well as when to negotiate moving over so someone else driving faster may pass. But, the slower you go, the fewer vehicles you have to pass, and you're more likely to be able to cruise at the speed you're going and enjoy the drive all the while. That sounds pretty relaxing to me!

One thing I do though is -- and I know a lot of people are like me in this regard -- when I gotta get somewhere, I do drive faster. Most of all, I simply hate what I think of as obstacles on the road: slower drivers, a parade of slower drivers, red lights, a parade of red lights... you get the idea. (After all, my bet is you who is reading this right is now like me in this.) And what's weird is, oftentimes the bigger rush I'm in (and the fear of being late is actually bordering on reality), the more obstacles occur. I hate that probably more than most things in life. At least, I hate it more than most insignificant things in life.

The roads are where I have experienced Jesus a lot. Usually I think it has been in the annoying stuff (see the previous paragraph), and I have tended to think that in these times God is trying to get my attention about something. Sometimes it actually works. Usually, well, it doesn't.

Last night I almost got into what I believe would have been a horrendous crash on the expressway. (I wouldn't have been at fault, just so you know.) But God protected me. The funny thing is, I wasn't even super aware of it, just aware enough that I moved over half a lane (citing the "always leave yourself an out" guideline I learned back in driver's ed) in case the offending driver was going to be all-in on driving aggressively. I even had the radio on, listening to Chicago Cubs news. I looked up after I moved over half a lane, and the offending driver was not where I expected him/her to be. The driver actually decided for that moment to not drive aggressively. Either he or she must've understood the consequences of aggressive driving in this situation quickly enough, or the Holy Spirit supernaturally slowed down the offending vehicle, or both. What was funny was that the offending driver also stayed behind me for a while, maybe only finally passing me a mile or so later.

My response was also significant. I went immediately to thanking God for protecting me, and drawing a line (in Jesus' name) against any thoughts of fear around "but it could've happened!" A few years back I had a couple of close calls with semis, in one case I had made the right decision to run the yellow light instead of hitting the brakes (the truck was right behind me and also going full steam), the other where a truck behind me in my lane had lost its brakes, cut into the lane next to me (which was open) and blared the horn while he ran through the intersection (I was stopped at a red light). In both cases, it took me a while to calm down, because of what almost happened but didn't. Not this time. I haven't had that thought come up since.

There is so much more I could share about my experiences with Jesus while on the road. But those will be for another post. I will close this post with a passage from Exodus 33:19-23 (New International Version)
And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”
Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”
It was one of the passages of focus from my church's message last Sunday, about experiencing God Himself but in the traces. No one has seen God's face -- for no one can; His glory is too great -- but, in this exchange between God and Moses (whom He was talking to in the above passage), the relationship between the two is so close and so tight that Moses is bold enough to ask what most wouldn't even think of, which is to see His face.

When I think of myself in terms of seeing or experiencing God, last night was a fresh reminder of that. I didn't see Him, but I knew He was there. Or at least behind making sure my car didn't get struck. The point is, my experience on the roads has so often been me yelling and complaining at God for the red lights or the slow traffic. (He has been working on me on this. I believe He will continue to do so.) Even realizing that I might have an angel (or several angels) protecting me sometimes helps my attitude, but other times doesn't. Times like last night snapped my attitude back into a more proper perspective. Sometimes it is the case that God is intentionally trying to slow me down on the roads. Sometimes, He will also use moments like the almost-crash to remind me that, yes, I do need His protection while driving, even if I don't ask for it. Either way, it's for my good.