A lesson about favorite living spaces

If you were to ask me my favorite dorm room from my entire time at St. Olaf, it would be the tiny room I occupied for two weeks on the second-highest floor in Thorson at the end of my summer before junior year (i.e. 2006). Now, if you know me, you know I like space, so you might think it strange that my favorite room happened to be the smallest. It probably helped that, during the summer, I have fewer possessions (and less of each possession, specifically referring to clothes), so in spite of the tininess of said room, I didn't have as much stuff in tow. But it was my space (it was a single room), and for the first time in my whole collegiate career, I didn't have to share anything with a roommate. I enjoyed the simple pleasures of having the desk in one corner, the bed by the window, and my two portable fans running all day long on top of my dresser. I wonder if, had I lived there for longer than two weeks, had more stuff, and had schoolwork on my plate, if I would have loved it as much. But that's no matter. Now you have the answer to, what was your favorite all-time college dorm room?

The other side to this storyline was that this was the room I moved into after my roommate issues hit a climax the previous week. In some ways this was quite a low in my life, and it also happened to accompany the reason for my having my favorite dorm room. Why does this story matter? Because right now, I have essentially my own apartment, arranged largely how I want it, and as a bonus I have the parking spot I coveted for a year. Hmm, "coveted" ... yeah, religiously that's a problem (spiritually, too). Materially I am quite satisfied in my living arrangements, but I also know that my living here like this accompanies another long-ish low stretch. I'm continuing to strike out in job-searching, my means for survival; and I'm at the very juncture where it's do-or-die for my continued habitation in my current dwelling. Meaning, I probably won't have my arrangement nor my parking space for much longer.

There has to be a lesson in this, or at least a connection. It seems I've been happier when my living conditions were less than ideal. Consider my junior year in college, which I personally claim as my best school year on the whole. My room was a constant mess, and I really didn't care much to clean it up. Last year, while working for AmeriCorps, I had one of the longest continuous high stretches of my life. I also lived in an extremely cramped space, with all my possessions either crammed into my 12x8 bedroom or a 6x4 plot right outside my bedroom. [Note, this last point is not a complaint, but rather an observation proving my point. And yes, I did actually measure the spaces.] So there's a connection between favorite spaces or arrangements, and rough life patches. And the lesson probably is, don't set your heart on "dream" living spaces. Problem is, if I actually manage to learn said lesson (and I'm not quite sure I want to), how do I go about making a personal change to accommodate it? Not sure if I really can... (thus explaining why I have doubts about accepting this as a possible lesson)

In other news, Paul Manz, the great composer of "E'en So, Lord Jesus, Quickly Come," ["http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNyLmy3ml5Q"] ["http://www.wfn.org/2009/10/msg00252.html"] passed on Wednesday. I've actually attended a few services at Mount Olive Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, one of the places he worked. Manz was one of the few living composers whose music I had sung as a kid (outside of compositions by my choir directors), as most of the others had already passed. He will be missed.

E'en so, Lord Jesus, quickly come,

and night shall be no more;

they need no light, nor lamp, nor sun,

for Christ will be their All!

--Ruth and Paul Manz

Without the internet... (and reflections on late-Generation Y)

I wandered onto youtube, and curiously explored some of the video blogs -- called vlogs, apparently -- primarily as a means of exploring youtube (largely because my exploration to date has consisted of typing up the name of an artist or song that I like, and then watching the video of what I was looking for). I'd occasionally wander onto some sports vids, but that's a relatively unimportant tangent which doesn't need further explanation.

After having watched a couple (what I consider) boring vlogs [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EC_AJOY4Ss&feature=popt16us0a”], I came across this one vlog [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O5d_YGHjBk&feature=related”] of a guy tackling the question, "What would my life be without the internet?" and encouraging other vloggers to chime in with their own vresponse (yay! I made up a word! if this ever makes it into the vernacular, and history proves that I'm the first to come up with this word, I want credit. and monetary compensation.). Now, I currently don't have a camera or a computer with enough capabilities to post vlogs on my buh-log, so a vresponse is out of the question. I'll have to settle for a slightly more conventional and less hip way of responding.

Before I do, I just wanted to reflect on the few vresponses I came across so far tackling this "what would my life without the internet be like" [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O5d_YGHjBk&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNpGdXpZXo4&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74K80hweWyo&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVj1NOIm5Es&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Xl1lcDcniQ&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW44e_kLD9M&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZUtAuLgqYg&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu2Q7Xfq-e8&feature=related”] [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7ZUHVvwam0&feature=related”] query (I should let you know, I didn't watch all of these). First off, several of those whose vids I watched on youtube (and some that I couldn't re-find for the purpose of linking) are currently in college. Think about it. College! I'd known about middle school and high school kids walking around constantly texting as their main form of communication, in front of cell phones (for actually talking to people! what a concept!), getting on a computer to send an email, or (even more ancient) putting ink or graphite to papyrus' modern ancestor. This has been true for at least 3-4 years. Secondly, many of them are posting 2 or 3-minute deals where all they do is talk, talk, talk, and maybe occasionally walk. The most productive vlogs have some kind of purpose, either detailing a trip (with some tips for anyone who wants to go wherever the vlogger went), or imparting some bit of wisdom through a story or a life event also captured on said video... not just some, "I'm gonna hang out with my buddies...", "Now I'm hangin' out with my buddies...", and then "I had a blast with my buddies, tomorrow I gonna do mo' sheeat, g'nite!" kind of crap. Ohhhh boy, as a very young elder statesman, I have to ask: what has this world come to? Junk gets posted all the time now, whether it's on youtube, in music, or elsewhere, and, depending on the person's popularity, permeates the worldly culture. It's times like this, I think, the apocalypse has to be coming pretty soon, right? (Not that I really care for it to.)

Now, my original intent for exploring people personal vlogs on youtube was to try and get a scoop of the current human condition, up-to-date vproof (hah, another one! I'm going to put a "v" (for vid) in front of every word it modifies and claim my right to collect any and all compensatory change)... where was I? Oh yeah, video proof, or vproof, as I'm now calling it -- basically I'm interested in where human nature is right now. You know I have strong moral issues with it, and none of them necessarily because I read out of a book that, while I admire and recommend everyone read it for his/her own edification, I think is fundamentally flawed in some areas. But that's going to be a post for another time (unless, somehow I get enough dough to spill on a new compy and new camera, then it'll be on my next vpost... but, don't count on it).

You'll notice how easily I got distracted the last couple paragraphs. And I'm making no guarantees that it will change this paragraph. I just realized, today's topic goes quite nicely with my post on multitasking [“http://n8daoggblog.blogspot.com/2009/09/great-now-you-tell-me.html”] several weeks ago. While multitasking has affected the vast majority from older than my parents' generation to our budding members in Generation Z (the one after Y), this reliance on the internet has caused our children (and now collegians) to become more powerfully distracted (my opinion, not fact). "Sometimes I twitter in my sleep!" exclaims this one vlogger [“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O5d_YGHjBk&feature=related”]. "I just absolutely have to check my facebook or twitter at 2 AM! Someone may have commented on my status!" (OK, I made that one up; but I have heard something to this effect from someone in real life.)

Reliance on the internet has also created somewhat of a divide between everyone born in the 1990s and younger, and everyone born in the 1970s and older. That leaves the remaining few of us, those born in the 1980s (myself included, having been born in the smack-dab middle), kind of as a tipping island, doing all we can to keep both sides remotely connected. We have to be both internet-savvy and ancient-methods-of-communication-savvy.

So, to finally get down to the question: where would I be without the internet? Two-part answer: 1a.) Lost. 1b.) More relaxed. To answer 1a, I reply that a good chunk of my communication comes from gmail [“http://www.gmail.com/“], facebook [“http://www.facebook.com/“], AIM [“http://www.aim.com/“], and occasionally, skype [“http://www.skype.com/“]. Without it, I don't keep in touch with people from college, New York, or even Chicago. I also confer with Google Maps [“http://maps.google.com/“] frequently when I'm going someplace new, and rely on it quite a bit to get the best route(s). I also check with weather.com [“http://weather.com/“], as well as other sites for either education on a subject, or aid in job-related searches, or for information in general. Without it, it means I'm going to the Northfield Public Library, and then staying there for hours hoping my brain can muster the stamina to get enough work done to justify my leaving so I don't have to exert the effort to rush back for any last-minute closing of information gaps. Without relatively immediate communication with other people, and ready access to whatever information I want and need, I'm lost.

To answer 1b, I will link you to this blog blurb [“http://n8daoggblog.blogspot.com/2008/03/osr-immediate-recap.html”] I posted immediately after returning from Mississippi a year-and-a-half ago (that long already??). I will admit, it helped immensely that I had ready access to food, water, shelter, a pretty immediate knowledge of my schedule, oh, and a lot of people around that I could just sit and talk to. Also, I communicate with my family and closest friends largely over the phone, (I do still feel weird facebooking my parents sometimes), as well as friends I know who happen to be around (either when I'm in Minnesota or Chicago). I think I'm more relaxed, because I'm actually conversing, hearing their voice (although I'm still quite nervous talking on the phone). I don't know about you, but I always get a good feeling after a deep two-hour conversation with a close friend or family member. It's just not the same online. I still enjoy the conversation, but it feels less involved.

Now, I couldn't live like the Amish (occasionally I envy them for this reason), but I do believe a limit in internet use is optimal for my daily well-being. The stuff I described to explain why I'd be relatively lost without the internet fails to mention the laziness factor. If I walk or drive to the Northfield Public Library, it means I've gotten out of the house and made actual, physical contact with the world. It means I was outside when it was sunny and 76 degrees, or rainy and 42 degrees, or snowy and 10 degrees. It also means I'm communicating with people in person that I wouldn't have met online (the converse of the pro-internet argument where you meet people online that you wouldn't have in real life). To expound on the physical contact, it means you actually shake a boss' or a client's hand, hug a friend, or kiss your significant other, rather than type *shake hand*, *hug*, or *XOXO* (for kiss), all of which mean the thought is expressed, but the act of doing is still missing.

To conclude, the internet is great for keeping in touch, but terrible for any kind of physical contact. Heck, it might as well be midnight all day long, and winter all year long, as far as you know. I need it for the services it provides, but I can't substitute it for things that it just can't replace.

Brief source of inspiration

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years

Bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we've first begun.

--Amazing Grace, John Newton (1725-1807),

I came across this text on a bathroom door at a restaurant. To be exact, it was at the Ruby of Siam in Evanston, a place I frequented as a kid, but hadn't gone very often since high school. I'd made myself familiar with said text, having sung it in hymns at all sorts of different churches over the years. I scrapped up an a cappella piece with the complete set of text (at least according to the source responsible for providing me with the words above) just today, so I suppose it's a good sign I'm composing again, something I haven't really done for some time. I suppose it's also a good sign, because, between an increasingly daunting job hunt, and lack of contact with friends who are either really busy or just plain gone, it's been an increasingly agonizing situation. I think, for my own sanity, I'm going to compose more, and I'm going to set a finite date for independent job searching/finding before I pack it in and return to Chicago, even if for a brief period of time.

Lesson of persistence

One of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples." He said to them, "When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone indebted to us. And do not bring us to the time of trial." And he said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and go to him at midnight and say to him, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; for a friend of mine has arrived, and I have nothing to set before him.' And he answers from within, 'Do not bother me; the door has already been locked, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot get up and give you anything.' I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, at least because of his persistence he will get up and give him whatever he needs. So I say to you, ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. ... If you then ... know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11: 1-10, 13)

During my last two years in New York, every Friday the 7th and 8th graders would go attend a youth group called "Focus," which predictably would include food, games, and Biblical study (mostly Psalm study, actually). One theme I kept hearing was how we never deserved anything (good) because of our humanly unworthiness, but because of God's graciousness we were able to partake in them. Over the years I seemed to adopt the first half of that, and during my high school years I never thought about asking God for anything because, given the lesson(s) imparted from Focus, I knew deep down I didn't deserve them. Thankfully that began to change when I started going to FCA during my first year at St. Olaf, but even in college -- and since college -- I still have struggled to just outright ask, let alone be persistent, as verses 8-10 recommend.

I know this, because a few days ago I had been persisting in calling back this one place I'd had an interview a week earlier, but the night before I was to call for the final time, I'd prayed to God about this job. But in this prayer I wasn't sure what to ask for, because I didn't want to change God's will for me. I didn't ask to get this job specifically; technically I just asked for a resolution, and for it to be his will, regardless of which way it went. And maybe that was the issue. See, another thing I picked up from FCA was trying to see what God was planning for me, and trying (and often failing) to follow it; instead of trying to put my own wishes on him.

This morning I once again opened the scripture to a random page, and it happened to be Luke 11. Maybe it means I should stop worrying about going against his plan by not asking for anything, and actually be persistent in what I want or need. At this point in my life, it's time to stop being a child and actually take charge of my life like an adult. I'm now into my second year post-college, and this is essentially the juncture where I have to decide whether I'm going to strive for a decent career, or be stuck with minimum-wage dead-end jobs. I sincerely hope it's the former, but now it's time to put hopes into action. Persistence isn't really one of my strong suits, but if I am to survive and thrive, it will have to become one.