I’m a little late this time. My reading has remained more or less the same since March: some days I’m good and reading the assigned reading; other days I’m lucky if I read one sentence. I do strive at least to do that much, if I don’t do the assigned reading. We’re now in the period of the prophets and the bad kings of Israel and Judah, post-Solomon. (There are a few good ones, but not many.)
I found myself staying with this passage from Ecclesiastes
longer than just a few days:
Walk prudently when you go to the house of God; and draw near to hear rather than to give the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they do evil. Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few. For a dream comes through much activity, and a fool’s voice is known by his many words. When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; For He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—Better not to vow than to vow and not pay. Do not let your mouth cause your flesh to sin, nor say before the messenger of God that it was an error. Why should God be angry at your excuse and destroy the work of your hands? For in the multitude of dreams and many words there is also vanity. But fear God.
It’s hard because I love to talk. I also love to write,
although I don’t consider myself skilled like the many thousands of published authors
in existence. I regularly have conversations in my head when I’m not having conversations
with other people. And, like a lot of people I’m sure, I like to be right. That’s
a particularly unique challenge with being a Christian, because, when we stand
on God’s Word, we are right. And yet, it is God who is right and not us.
We are only right inasmuch as we are standing on God’s truth, on His
perspective, and what He says, to us and through us.
I also have a pet peeve with scenarios where either people “have”
to be right, or I perceive that this is the case. Distinguishing between the
two is often still tricky, even with years of counseling under my belt. I
still have moments where I have to force myself to repent and turn around from
these thoughts, to “take these thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ,” as
is written in 2 Corinthians 10:5, considering that the root of many persistent conversations
in my head stem from this issue.
Right now, the only tool I’m aware I have is repentance. To be clear: it's a great tool, and I'm glad I have it. That said, I still haven’t yet learned how to prevent these imaginary conversations from
happening, nor have I yet developed an ability to respond with full maturity in
the moment when I encounter a scenario (real or imagined) where another person “has”
to be right. I received a conviction in this area recently, and repented, and
so I am stronger than I was previously in terms of staying grounded and staying
calm. But, I also know that I can just as easily slip again, considering I’ve
been convicted (and repented) before, a few times.
I’m still doing the Bible studies monthly, one in person and
one online. People are still interested, and people are still coming. Praise God.
For now, I’ll keep doing this. Until when, I don’t know. I’m aware of my flesh
wanting to quit from time to time, but I also know that hosting these meetings
is also a spiritual lifeline. This alone tells me I need to keep it.