And pour contempt on all my pride

As I was listening to a prayer request from a friend a couple days ago, he raised a rather unique perspective as to his--and other people's--struggles. He had asked me to pray that he would get his rear in gear and study for a test that was coming up pretty quickly, and continued on to rationalize why it was so hard just to study, just to "do it." As he was explaining, it had dawned on me that personal, selfish pride was another obstacle that I had to either remove or jump over in order to get closer to a consistent spiritual relationship with God, as well as a more consistent friendship/relationship/whichever term sounds better--with several people that I surround myself every day.

I'm now seriously pondering looking for work in a new direction. With just over 1/3 of the summer complete, if I were to ever be able to succeed in a job search I realized I would need to consider working during the fall (I know, too much homework about to come up in 2 months, and *gag*). Looking at my summer spendings, I've been trying to minimalize it as much as possible, only paying for vision therapy appointments, gas, food (both at the Caf and from other places), and housing. But even though I know I need to work, for some reason I've been struggling [over the past several years] to get over the hump of just "doing it," or getting to work.

This is where that stupid pride comes in. Aside from my occasional nervousness of calling people, applying for jobs that I'm not sure what I'm doing at places that I don't know, there's always this tugging feeling that I should only hold out for the best possible opportunity. Not only in paycheck, but in the type of work (ideally it would be music or sport-related), and convenience.

So this all rushed through my head in the approximately five-minute sequence while he was recounting how this pride was keeping him from staying on top of studying for his class. I told him I would pray for him, and when he asked me for my prayer request, I more or less told him about the whole not-getting-a-job bit.

And it's kind of funny, that I've been giving tours all week (except for this afternoon, when I had an appointment in Owatonna), that as the week has progressed, I've become more of a willing public servant, in body, mind and spirit, than I was at the beginning of the week.

So I will go to Bible study in the lounge tonight. And my friend is leading the discussion. I honestly don't know what we may discuss, but I know it will get me thinking some more. And maybe it will lead me to be more active, continually progressing on the path God wants me to go.

Wake-up call

This morning's sermon took a passage from the book of Job where God chastises Job for doubting his power in the wake of losing everyone and everything in his life: his property, his children, and even his wife and friends in that they forced him to question the Lord's plan. So instead of explaining His reasoning, or giving any words of encouragement, God scolds Job, asking him where his faith is.

Even though the story goes on, and God and Job reconcile (in the human-Divine sort of way), I couldn't help but feel anger in the sense that I pitied Job. I mean, I understood that God was in charge of everything, but I figured if everything bad were to happen to me, I'd want to know, or at least have a metaphorical chicken bone thrown at me as a means of having something to enjoy in such a bitter time. So during the prayer at the end of the sermon, I closed my eyes, and suddenly I was driving on a road in which everything around my car was on fire. As soon as I discerned the meaning of this vision, I thought Oh crap!, and started to realize that God would reprimand me in the same way that he did Job if I were going to continue down that particular road of anger and demanding an explanation. I opened my eyes and started praying that I would accept that these type of things could happen and I would not question His power. As of right now, I'm still working/praying on that.

My best friend from home came up to Olaf for the weekend. Although the primary goal was to go to the Cubs/Twins game (in which the Metrodome practically was sold out for one of the few times of the season), the dynamic of the group between my one friend and all the Oles that he met was rather interesting. Between my Ole friends forcing me to do cartwheels while taking pics of them, and said friends (Twins fans as they are) making fun of me for being a Cubs fan, there was a lot of laughter, food, driving, and the process of making memories (courtesy of my roommate's digital camera). But I think for me mostly was learning quite a bit more about my friend, as well as everyone who got to meet him. I hadn't had this much sustained interaction (as far as joking around, making fun of people, etc) in a while, so while I showed some tension (mostly through uttering random 4-letter words while playing video games), I managed to keep my head up and still have some fun.

So I brought my friend to church this morning. Unlike most of my real good friends, he hadn't really gone to church most of his life, and he said he's looking to get more involved with the whole Christianity thing. Several other friends have been more active recently than in the past, so it's a good thing to see.

I also played a game of Ultimate Frisbee this afternoon. It went really well. I hadn't played it in a long time, and it felt good to show off my more polished discus throws, if not my blazing speed and other physical aspects of the game. I know God Himself had a hand in my effort, as I usually haven't been so effective in game situations. Now I just have to know that He is in charge around here, and not to try to understand the rationale behind the sometime bizarre actions He takes.

Thanks. :-)

God is in the details

Alright, another reflection on the weekend...

Even though I had a pretty awesome time hanging out with several of my friends at the group functions that were held, probably the most important conversation I had was outside the group. The last night I had a conversation with an ex-choirboy, who, the last time I saw him (which was a couple years ago) I thought he was a total ass. Somehow I still recalled the time from tour when a bunch of us were playing ping-pong, and even though I had called next game, he decided he wanted it anyway (he's about 5 years younger than I), we had a little tussle, and he won the argument.

So even at this late date I wasn't exactly looking forward to much more than saying Hi and basically acknowledging his presence. But we actually had an online conversation that showed how much this guy has grown on me. Zack explained how he recently found his own path to God (outside the institution), and how he's devoting his life to the preparation of the apocalypse. Instead of another parish, his quest for salvation lies in this ["http://www.raptureready.com/"] website. (If the link doesn't come through, it's www.raptureready.com)

You can read their premise via the link. I don't know enough about their philosophy to try and sum it up myself, and quite frankly there are parts of it that I don't agree with, but that's beside the point. I got to learn a completely new angle on Zack that I never knew was there before. [Granted, he wasn't really all that spiritual by comparison the last time I saw him, whenever that was.] And I'm thinking that through all the mixed emotions about the whole weekend (recap: funeral, reception, choir banquet), this was an act of God to help me mend some of the past that I clearly would not have been able to do so myself. We even talked about Allen and his spirituality (which I regret I never did while he was still here) as well as our own, and through a combination of the aforementioned conversations I knew God wanted me to have friends rather than more awkwardness.

I head home tonight

My plane leaves the Minneapolis airport just after 7:30; it will arrive Chicago O'Hare just after 9:00. I will be seeing my parents, several friends for the first time in about two weeks, and several for the first time in much longer than that.

Given the circumstances (re-read my post from this past Monday), I'm a bit anxious to get back. However, I can't help but feel how this weekend will have "reunion" written all over it. But in a way, every time I go home and visit said friends, for some reason it always seems like a reunion, especially the more people that come. If, say, I am hanging out with one or two people at a time (like I've done a few times over the previous break), I can feel like I'm spending time in the present rather than the past.

I must confess I haven't been very active all week. I still haven't heard from my two job applications, and I haven't made any new calls this week. Part of it is due to mourning, and part of it is due to said anxiety. I can't wait to see all these people again (well, the Lukers of my generation anyway), but because of the surrounding events it will be a little out-of-place. I've spent the last few days writing an a capella vocal piece to the words of Revelation 21 to help ease myself, but given that I'm about 75% done, and I've used about 3 different versions of the same text to write the music, I know I will have to go back and re-write it.

I'm actually not as sad/downtrodden/depressed/maxxed out as I sound right now. But I anticipate that I will be refreshed upon my return to Olaf on Monday, and I will continue my job search in earnest. Pray for me.

Letting the river flow

I still remember when you whacked me upside the head at poker night and dared me to punch you.

I still remember when you made me drive you home after youth group many times.

I still remember when we were playing Ultimate Frisbee during youth group and we single-handedly led our team to a come-from-behind victory.

I still remember seeing you without hair, having to use a cane and miss processions at the beginnings and ends of church services because of chemotherapy treatments.

*****

There are so many memories; I don't even know where to begin. But I've begun already, and just let it flow. I was pretty sad when Kirby Puckett passed, but somehow I was able to put words together rather effortlessly compared with the present.

Now, well, it's much harder. Saying goodbye to a good friend of mine is never easy to do. It's also the first time for me. All the previous deaths that I have had to deal with were mostly my grandparents, and other older relatives (and one bird).

So this is the first time that someone from my generation (that I knew) has passed. And I was hoping this day would arrive as late as possible. But God's plan didn't call for that. So now I'm here, a little too stunned and in shock to try say anything. It hasn't really hit me yet; I'm sure it will, come Saturday.

*****

Honestly, I had wished I'd punched you in the shoulder. But now I'm glad I didn't.

I'd drive you from anywhere to your house again. Even at 4 in the morning.

I'd pick you on my team for Ultimate Frisbee any day (maybe not first, but I'd make sure you were on my side).

And I still have photos of you with hair (from the choir tour), now that I put them on Facebook.

Be at peace Allen. You are with God now. And I'm letting the river flow for you.

*****

Let the poor man say "I am rich in Him"

Let the lost man say "I am found in Him"

Oh let the river flow

Let the blind man say "I can see again"

Let the dead man say "I am born again"

Oh let the river flow, oh let the river flow

Let the river flow, let the river flow

Holy Spirit come, move in power

Let the river flow, let the river flow

Holy Spirit come, move in power

Let the river flow, let the river flow

Let the river flow

--Darrell Evans, Let the River Flow ["http://www.lyricstime.com/darrell-evans-let-the-river-flow-lyrics.html"]