One more thing

I never got around to mentioning the prophecies from when I went to HUB last fall (I'm too lazy to explain what HUB is right now. I'll explain at some point, so bear with me). Four other friends and I went, and because we were new, all of us received prophecies. Mostly mine centered around themes of "child-like heart" and "worship." Over the last few months the worship prophecy (and an answer to what God intends to do with my musical gifts) has been coming to fruition, and I believe that it can only grow further as God reveals to me what he plans to do. But that Sunday (10 October 2010) was also the first step in me letting go of some pain from before. It was a great evening, showing me that through the thick of the storm God was still with me, even if I had trouble believing it.

I also think about how Robby Dawkins came to Evanston Vineyard back in November -- I couldn't go because my workplace needed me to work on that Saturday -- but I look at it now and think, maybe I wasn't ready to go then, and that I was finally ready now. I suppose it has to do with this heart-hardening thing, and how I probably wouldn't have been as receptive then, and how I'd be far more receptive now. Then again, God has reached people at their most stubborn (especially with skeptics) and changed their minds, so I don't know.

Aurora Conference, Pt 2

So I didn't get around to the stuff Todd White said. This'll probably from a stream-of-consciousness format (which is pretty much no format at all), to follow in line with the whole truth of never looking back but instead only to God. I suppose that's because the devil wants us to look back and specifically look back on our sins and things that make us guilty. The enemy wants us to forget all that Jesus did for us, you know, the whole dying-and-resurrecting-and-his-holy-blood-covers-all-us thing. In the Gospels Jesus rebukes the devil and demons quite a few times. We're not supposed to do it because we're not perfect. The minute we look back we remember all the stuff that never really happened because Jesus' blood covered it. The idea is that once we say "Yes Lord" we are free from ourselves and everything associated with living for ourselves. We're supposed to be addicted to love, addicted to Jesus. Once that happens, nothing else matters. Not jobs, not money, not homes, not even relationships with other people (I'll explain exactly what I mean in a minute)... This is how God's in control: he gives us words, and we do it.

[The reason I said what I said about relationships with other people is not that they're unimportant -- they are by all means important -- but it pales in comparison with relationship with God. I care so much about my relationship with people (including what the devil calls "failed" relationships) that it's hard for me not to have my mood affected by the goods and bads surrounding it. I want to have great relationships -- including one awesome and personal relationship with the only one person that one can have (you can figure out what I mean by that) -- so that I can use them to glorify God further. I dunno, maybe it's a "need" thing. OK, done, back to the main theme.]

Truth is, having spent my life in a church, I've known about God and Jesus dying to save us for years, and even several years knowing other deeper things. Going to this conference, I wondered if anything was going to strike me, especially considered my heart had been hardened for a while and I had trouble even merely feeling things. It wasn't Todd's words -- or anyone else's words -- that really hit me; it was the actions. I told you last post about how we practiced prophesying for each other before hitting the town, and it was in that that I felt the most of anything. I did receive prayer Friday night to get rid of the hardened heart (from Robby Dawkins himself! altho' to be honest, even Robby would say that it is not because of him, for anyone else that prayed would equally be called quality prayer vessels/channels from God). It happened. Now the challenge is for me to never harden myself again, and it's going to be difficult. But the truth is I can't force myself to do it; it has to just happen, just like when I prophesied or prayed and essentially felt like I did nothing and yet something happened.

Prophecies from this weekend (and last)

I went to Aurora this weekend for a healing workshop. There are so many things that went on throughout my entire time there that would take too long for me to talk about, so on here I will shorten the experience to this: the prophecies I received (and gave), and a few other direct experiences related with it.

First, to back up a week, at Evanston's own worship leaders' workshop, I received two prophecies:

1.) the word was "Preparation," with the accompanying image from the person that prophesied of me cutting up vegetables for a big food event -- picnic? catering event? party?

2.) another person that prophesied had received an image of me hang-gliding (something I actually want to do someday), and to date I had been jumping off small or medium-sized cliffs. This time I would soon be jumping off bigger and bigger peaks. The spiritual idea that this image centered around was that I would be taking bigger risks and consequently receiving bigger rewards.

So then yesterday before we hit the public areas to go minister to people, we had a few practice sessions in prophesying. We were all divided into 1s and 2s, and at first my half was to receive prophecy and the other half was to give it--but the catch was they had to keep their eyes shut as we "picked" who to pair up with and then listen to their prophecy. The person I received told me that God and I were both -- metaphorically -- pouring concrete into some foundations (goes well with the preparation and bigger risks/rewards prophecies from last week). Then, it was time for me to prophecy to someone completely different, someone I would have no idea to whom I was prophesying to until after I did. I will say it was rather completely petrifying. For the longest time I wasn't receiving any words or images. Then the other person (the person who receives prophecy has to put his/her hand on the prophesier's shoulder) started lightly squeezing my shoulder, kind of as an act of encouragement and connection, and I finally had my clue. I started saying how this person had a huge and wonderful heart, and that God wants to use it more. I honestly had no clue what I was saying. Turned out to be completely right. What? Wow! Man...

Shortly thereafter, a bunch of us hit the mall (after getting lunch first), and a few of us started going around talking to people. It was still a petrifying experience, but after the first couple it felt more like an out-of-body experience. We prayed for one guy's back (to my knowledge, our only real "success" story). I actually reached out to two other people, both of whom had no interest (one of them walked away while I was speaking blessings on him). But the funny thing was, I didn't care. For Jesus says somewhere, "do not be angry at those who reject you, because those who reject you will also reject My Father in heaven on the last day." It's in the Gospels somewhere. But, as I was saying, after these two experiences where all I could do was tell them God loves them, I realized that I actually had no recollection of actually doing it, like I would, say, having a conversation with a friend or two.

Lastly, shortly before the very end of the conference last night, while waiting in line to be blessed by Robby Dawkins (the chief pastor at Aurora Vineyard) and Todd White (the man leading the workshop -- I should write about him sometime soon), I received another prophecy from a guy who happened to standing right next to me. He had received an image of pellets exploding out of a rifle (thanks to Erik, my friend and roommate my first year out of college, who had showed me bullet casings and explained to me the physics of how pellets and bullets leave a firearm, I understood the image). My prophesier went on to explain that I need to go out and prophesy and bless more, and that these pellets symbolized the spilling/scattering of God's words and blessings to all sorts of people all over. Basically I need to grow this prophecy gift more.

Minutes later, after Robby and Todd prayed for me and blessed me, I had this random urge to pray for Dan, my friend with whom I carpooled down to Aurora both Friday and yesterday, which I did. It was after this experience (he said he felt encouraged and more of God's strength as I prayed) that I really felt humbled. For a while now, when I would pray for someone, I would pour my heart into it and make sure to say what I mean and mean what I say, as if the words themselves had meaning. But, as I had realized, I could merely say "heart, heal, God, now, bless" as words by themselves (lame, right? who would ever pray like that?) and God can still work wonders. Conversely, I could cook up a heart-filled monologue and nothing would happen. All in all, it was a weird and humbling experience realizing that, and also a bit of understanding that I actually do need to do this more so I don't feel quite so weird doing this kind of thing in the future.

OK. I have a meeting with the choir director in a half-hour. I gotta run. But sometime soon I will write again. This is quite some God-blessed stuff. Praise the Lord!