2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 4

Today has been the most difficult day in keeping up with the discipline since I began it. In addition to a normal busy day during the morning and afternoon, I've been struggling with minor pain in my lower back (I was beset this time last week for three days with a lot of pain). It had gotten better at least 75%, even as high as 95% better as of two days ago, but the last two days things have been trending backwards. I spent much of my evening tonight icing my back and then napping (which was good and in fact on my "feast" list for this discipline).

I have to confess, I'm not very good with discipline. Not in any area, really. I tend to be a type, where, once I have established a habit or line of thinking that seems comforting, it takes a lot of work to overturn it, once I discover that that's what needs to be done. For example, I've talked about my resistance to reading the Bible every day. The battle is that I would much rather read sports articles on ESPN (at minimum a 14-year habit, if not longer), or watch videos on end on YouTube (a more recent habit), than close my computer and actually read a book, much less one that I've read many times.

And yet, I remember after a long, full day yesterday, lying in bed awaiting a phone call from one of my inner-circle brothers (and eventually moving down to my computer to Skype with my girlfriend) and really feeling peace. Like, a level of peace I haven't felt in about 5 years. All because of two things: 1.) I set aside a lot of time Tuesday and Wednesday to pray, fast, and to spend time in Scripture. 2.) Wednesday I was struggling with anxiety over a couple different things, and declared, "Jesus, I receive all the love You have sent me," and immediately that broke the pattern around the anxiety. Spending time with Jesus and His word, and in prayer, made all the difference.

Brief side story: I've had deep-seated anxiety my whole life. (I'm not taking medication for it; nor do I ever plan to.) Then, once I started the healing journey, and even for a short while had someone step into my life as a sort of "parent role," I started feeling an incredible, incredible level of not only peace but that, for the first time in my life, everything was absolutely OK in the world around me. I'd never had a feeling like that before that time. After about a couple years, the anxiety started creeping back in and has been around ever since. The point is, there is something about declaring: "Jesus, I receive all the love that You have sent me," and then sitting back for a moment and (surprise!) experiencing it actually happen to me. I felt the same exact level of peace I did 5 years ago.

The bottom line is, there is a very real reason why everyone should read at least a little bit from the Bible every day (non-Christians, this goes for you, too -- I'm going to sell this as an alternate homeopathic anxiety remedy): God does show up, and brings you His peace, no matter what's going on around you.

I'm going to close today's post with a devotional from Joseph Prince ministries my girlfriend forwarded me this morning. (I needed it!)

A church member who had been a chain-smoker used to believe that with willpower, he could quit smoking. He would tell himself, “If there is a will, there is a way!” But he discovered that with willpower, he could stop smoking for a week or two, and then he would succumb to the pull of nicotine again. 

When he turned his life over to God and learnt about God’s grace, he told God, “I realize that I cannot stop smoking. I cannot, but You can break my habit, Lord.” And every time he lit up, he would say, “Lord, I am trying to stop smoking, but I cannot. I am trusting You.” He would even say, “I am still righteous because of Jesus’ blood.” 

Well, in the very same year, all his cravings to smoke vanished! When asked how he succeeded, he would say, “It is entirely God and none of me! It is all by His grace.” This man lost all the desire to smoke. That is true transformation.

Amen! Day 5 tomorrow!

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 3

In terms of my prayer and fasting schedule, Thursdays (and Fridays and Saturdays as well) are much different days from Tuesdays and Wednesdays in terms of my schedule. I'm out all day today due to different items on my schedule. So, no extended prayer and devotional time. I'm actually on my lunch break in-between two shifts at work, waiting for another project on my computer to boot up. So I'll blog a bit to kill time while I'm waiting for that.

First, to follow up on my statement to yesterday's devotional, I need to also add that, in addition to discovering that my history with ambition was tied to hoping and expecting life to reward me if I just got a job, any job, etc., is that over the last decade-plus, I have discovered that life doesn't actually work that way. Not at all. There are many factors, some around personal growth needs, and others around living in the generation and time and place that I'm in. The bottom line is, one can work really really hard and not reap much. And yet another can work very little and reap much. Alongside the fact that yet another can work hard and reap much, and yet another can choose to not work and therefore will not reap. Apostle Paul writes in his letter to the Galatians: "whatsoever a man sows, he also will reap," but in the case of Job, Job reaped terrible circumstances -- and even better circumstances later on -- and didn't sow in either case. (Instead, he was completely at God's mercy in both cases.)

I will share an email I wrote, responding to a devotional I read that spoke to me. The devotional is on the following verse:

Bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

The following is a paragraph that the devotional author shared about his own story with this verse:

When I was a young believer, I was taught that it was my responsibility to bring my every thought into obedience to Christ. I tried and struggled with that for years and ended up with more mental oppression, stress, and guilt than I had started with. One day God opened my eyes and said to me, “Son, keep your focus and your thoughts always on the obedience of Christ, and that will be a powerful weapon to pull down the devil’s strongholds in your mind.” When He said that to me, it felt like the lights were suddenly switched on in my head.

The following is then the email I wrote:

I'll have to admit I've fallen under a similar mindset trap: I know that bringing all thoughts to the cross is good for me, but I also know that experiences & breakthroughs like I've described yesterday is rare. More commonly, I'll choose to bring an anxiety-producing thought, and it'll come right back to me. So I haven't typically experienced the shame that the devotional author experienced, but I have experienced the frustration of "taking everything captive to Christ" not working like I'd expected or hoped. Today, reading through it, I'm realizing: "what is Christ's obedience that they're talking about?", and "what does the picture actually look like in terms of taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ?" I'm guessing His obedience has to do with His death on the cross; but even now in this moment I'm still stumped as to what the picture looks like, in terms of this verse.

I then realized that the answer was in the subsequent paragraph (which I hadn't yet read when I wrote the above):

So what does it mean to capture every thought to the obedience of Christ? Simply this: to focus on Jesus’ obedience to the Father at the cross, through which we were all made forever righteous the moment we believed in Him. Can you see that our obedience today under the new covenant begins with choosing to believe that we are made righteous by Christ’s obedience at the cross? The apostle Paul describes our obedience as “obedience to the faith” (Rom. 16:26)—believing right about what Jesus has done to make us righteous. And when we believe right like this, we will find His grace motivating and empowering us to think and live right.

My project is now up and running. Cheers!

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 2

For today, I thought I would share a devotional I read through and answered.

First, the scriptural passage:

1 Kings 1:23-27, New International Version 

They told the king, "Nathan the prophet is here." So he went before the king and bowed with his face to the ground.
Nathan said, "Have you, my lord the king, declared that Adonijah shall be king after you, and that he will sit on your throne? Today he has gone down and sacrificed great numbers of cattle, fattened calves, and sheep. He has invited all the king's sons, the commanders of the army and Abiathar the priest. Right now they are eating and drinking with him and saying, 'Long live King Adonijah!' But me your servant, and Zadok the priest, and Benaiah son of Jehoiada, and your servant Solomon he did not invite. Is this something my lord the king has done without letting his servants know who should sit on the throne of my lord the king after him?"

The short answer is, no, King David had not. In fact, he declares that his son Solomon should be king, and that's what ends up happening. Now for the devotional question:

It is hard to blame Adonijah for wanting to get ahead. After all, don't we encourage our sons and daughters to do the same? To be ambitious is not necessarily sinful. But ambition is too often blind and driven, and it leads to a costly downfall. As you reflect on your life, pray that you will be able to discern the fine line between healthy ambition and sin. As you go through the day, be prayerfully aware of how ambition is at work in your encounters. Ponder what desires fuel these ambitions -- and note when the ambition leads you to behave in destructive ways. Take note of how you are climbing the ladder of success and ask God to help you view your actions through His eyes.

Now for my answer:

This feels completely foreign to me in several ways. My "ambitions" have included getting the American Dream, believing that it will solve all my problems and heal all my pain. ["I'm going to get as an adult what I couldn't as a child."]  However, it also included the idea that all I had to do was to just get a job, any job, and the rest would magically appear. So a key part of this "ambition" was really an assumption and an expectation that life would simply cooperate with what I want and simply give me what I want. ("After all, it's only fair...")

The other aspect of my "ambitions" (and why I put it in quotes) is that my ambition, independent of expecting life to simply giving me what I want, was simply to do well in school. Or choir. Or whatever the task was that was before me. Because as surely as getting good grades would guarantee that I would graduate, it therefore seemed to follow that graduating would of course guarantee a good job that paid good money, and therefore all my problems would be solved.

One sense I'm beginning to connect with in this prayer and fasting season is a daily prayer rotation. I have my list already. Between my devotional yesterday and today, though, I feel God already answering a question I had before this all started about, "what should I focus my prayer on this day?" or "...this week?" I never did get a copy of the prayer rotation that my church was talking about. I believe I still can, by going to my church's website. I got a copy of the prayer rotation that my church was talking about. Done!

The other significant part of my devotional today -- and why I decided to share it publicly via this blog -- is that it is beginning to directly answer one of the prayers on my list, primarily about my purpose professionally. The answer I gave above is only the beginning. As I return to this devotional and set of questions over the next month, I'm hoping and praying for a breakthrough in this area, which I am choosing to believe that God wants to do.

For those of you who happen to be following along my blog during this season, I pose to you the very question that was posed to me: what desires fuel your ambitions? And what would it look like for you to let God to fuel them instead? I will be attempting to answer them myself along the way.

2019 Prayer and Fasting, Day 1

It's here! The month (plus a few days) of prayer and fasting are here. I'm almost ready. I have a couple loose ends to tie down today, but that's all. A few days ago, as I was praying and preparing for how I was going to fast -- and feast -- a verse came to mind. See below:

(Matthew 6:16-18, New King James Version)

Fasting to Be Seen Only by God

16 “Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. 17 But you, when you fast,anoint your head and wash your face, 18 so that you do not appear to men to be fasting, but to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.

I have indeed publicized that I am fasting and praying for the next 34 days. But I want to assure you that making myself look like I'm suffering because of fasting is not the goal!

A curveball idea... (and an announcement of prayer and fasting for June 2019)

A most delightful curveball idea...

I received a suggestion recently about how to use this blog for the next month, beginning this coming Tuesday, and going through the end of June:

Post every day.

My first thought: "huh?" which, in context with my original blog mission statement I posted back in March, I believe, was to post less often, alluding to my addictive/obsessive nature that often showed up in my blogging (which you as the reader won't see, as I have chosen not to resurrect most of the posts from back then).

BUT... I like this idea. Precisely because this idea is not my own. And because it's not my own, I see it as a way of surrendering this blog for God's own use, which would be completely different from my own addictive/obsessive (might I add "control-freak"?) nature that would otherwise come out in this.

My church (Evanston Vineyard, for those who are brand new to this blog) is going through a month of prayer and fasting. We are beginning a transition of leadership. The new guy (Pastor Ted, who I like from what I've heard so far) shows up at the beginning of June. Pastor Bill is retiring in August. Pastor Steve, our senior pastor, will officially retire in about three years.

Along with that, Vineyard USA is also going through its own leadership transition. And along with that, I've decided I would pray for other churches and ministries, who either have recently gone through their own leadership transitions, are currently going through their leadership transitions, or will soon go through their own leadership transitions.

Some of you might be asking: "what's going on? why all the leadership transitions? and why all the prayer, let alone fasting along with it?" Well, the short answer is that the vast majority of churches and ministries that would fit under the "Evangelical" umbrella, many of their founders are in their 60s or 70s. They started their careers either in the 1960s or 1970s, when the last great revival in the United States took place. It just so happens that now is that time when that particular generation is to retire, and we must transition to the next generation.

So, here is a basic outline of what I intend to do:

1.) Blog every day, starting this Tuesday, May 28th, until June 30th.

2.) Have at least one support partner from my church who I communicate with regularly, who I also know will be participating in the prayer and fasting.

3.) Pray for the following:

• Evanston Vineyard's successful transition of leadership
• Vineyard USA's successful transition of leadership
• FamilyLife Today, which had what I believe was a successful transition of leadership
• Churches like Willow Creek Community Church and Harvest Bible Chapel, which unfortunately did not get to have their founders retire in grace -- for their healing and restoration as churches, and for protection, grace, and blessing on those who have succeeded their former pastors
• Several personal interests, including finding my purpose in life calling-wise, and as well as seeking to take the next steps in terms of moving up in adulthood. (Details will be shared privately.)

(There will be a more set prayer schedule, hopefully at church this coming Sunday)

4.) Fast from the following:

• All online and app distractions, including YouTube, Facebook, ESPN.com, as well as a few games I have put on my phone (2048, Bible Word Verse)
• Food once a week, over a 24-hour period (but not water)
• Limit, but not eliminate, coffee and alcohol

5.) Feast on the following:

• Read Bible (those of you who know me, this is really hard for me to make myself do every day)
• Do devotionals (ditto)
• Journal
• Pray
• Sleep & rest
• Drink water, every day
• Enjoy the sunshine
• Write music
• Listen to sermons
• (I may add a thing or two more)

6.) Have a plan for the first week of July. I'm still figuring this one out. This next month is going to be a challenge. I remember a sermon once where Pastor Steve referenced Michael Phelps and how he burned out big-time after all that training that went into winning all those medals at the Olympics, particularly in 2008 and 2012. What my church is asking all of us to do is in some ways no different. I've never really fasted and prayed before, certainly not for as long as a month. If I succeed at maintaining all the parameters of the fast, I know I'm quite liable to crash in July. So that's something that I need to figure out and pray about.

Finally, my hope is that all these daily posts will not be very long. Certainly not as long as this one ended up being (I myself even though this post would be short! Whoops...). What is different now is that writing long posts takes more energy than it used to. I'll take that.

See y'all back here on Tuesday!

Revisiting my mission statement, plus an update

I expected this.

You may not have known this previously, but I have embarked on all sorts of themed writing missions for years. Some of them were without a mission (in fact, many of them were). For others, more recently, I set a mission, the parameters thereof, and its purpose thereof... and within months I found my motivation in sticking with the mission falling apart, not long followed by the whole project falling apart.

So I'm not surprised.

That said, in the three months...ish... since I re-started this blog, I did in the short amount of time already achieve several items on my list off my mission statement: I have shared about my faith via the Lenten devotionals (which I did much better on than I originally expected); I have also shared a couple of significant dreams and visions. In June July there will appear, as of right now, two sport-themed posts (I love the "set date and time" option on this blog). I have also shared a few photos, although perhaps fewer than I imagined I would. Every post did have a discernible point. I am particularly pleased about that last one.

I have also, in my opinion, veered on the edge of venting and sharing quite a bit, including a few personal details. At the time I believed that those details I shared were important to the point I was making in the post, and even now I still stand by that. I think I've done okay otherwise regarding not rambling, although I recognize that that depends on the eye of the reader.

The thing that stands out the most, though, is that I haven't talked about music. (I did have one Lenten devotional where I took a photo of a photocopy that a friend gave me of a hymn, but that's it.) Music, and particularly taking my career in it to the next level, has not happened. Not only that, but I am starting at the reality, and really a desire, of moving on from music. For now, at least. I am preparing to re-launch my job search, to find a line of work for the next chapter of my life that will provide both security (which I've more or less had), with a necessary increase in income (which I've not had for some time).

I suppose that is the main thing: my goal in re-starting this blog was to use this as a platform to practice what I imagined would eventually involve creating another blog, this time exclusively for music, and also as a way of generating business, and a way of being a self-sustaining side business. I would make money on a blog on another website, sharing my thoughts and opinions about music, because, over the last 6 years since I last made a career change, I've not only discovered that I have opinions about music, but also that I have a lot of opinions about music. Moreover, I found myself wanting to learn even more so that, among other reasons, I can have even more thoughts and opinions on music.

But alas, time is short. I believe earnestly that life is calling me in a different direction, at least for now. I don't yet know what that means for this blog. It'll stay here for now, maybe for a great long while. ["For Everything There Is A Season."]