In August 2009, after my first year in the adult world post-college (aka my assignment with AmeriCorps) wrapped up, I spent three weeks on possibly the best series of getaways in my life. As I hit the last week of it, I wrote this post (click on the link). Below is an excerpt:
Had a couple day trips the last couple days. Yesterday we went down to the beach at Galveston, then drove down the island, and booked a bit of a zig-zag pattern to Brazos State Park (we were going to go to the observatory, but apparently they sell out pretty quick). Today we had a brief trip to Austin to meet up with a friend. But what I found myself reflecting on was the space in which I found myself these last few days.
I need this break. I'm not sure why, but I remember last month just wanting to get out of the part of Minnesota that I was familiar with (basically Twin Cities south to Owatonna, and I-35 east to US 52). Northfield, especially. But usually with breaks I treat them as battery-rechargers, equally ready to return to from whence I came. This time, though, I don't really have any interest in going back to Northfield (or Minnesota, even). I'm not sure why.
I needed to get away, about as strongly as I ever did in my life, even now. And I did. But what also accompanied that feeling of "needing to get away" was a yearning to move back to Chicago. I couldn't explain it: just over a year earlier, I was heck-bent on moving to Minnesota because that's where my friends from college were. Minnesota was where I felt like an adult (and not Chicago), and that's where I wanted to be. And yet, a year later, I was aware of a deeper-than-usual heart cry to "come back home." And, after four months of trying to find a job the best way I knew how then, I ran out of money and ended up moving back. There was still that part of me that said, "No! I want to make this work in Minnesota! I need to make this work!" But as I entered that last month, and after my last-ditch attempt at finding work, through a temp job assignment that I thought I had (bottom line, it didn't really check any boxes I wanted in a job except for the fact that it was work and I would get paid, and it checked a bunch of boxes that I would NOT want in a job)... I gave up. I became resigned to moving back to Chicago, and had come to the point that it wasn't a downgrade, if anything, it was a lateral move, and perhaps even an upgrade (even if I didn't want to see it that way at the time).
(Check out this blog post here for the story on how the Holy Spirit was not only involved in my leaving Minnesota, but also the precise timing of it.)
Bottom line, I look back, and it is so obvious not only how God was involved in bringing me back to Chicago (and why), but also that, deep down, even I wanted to come back, even if I returned to being in denial about it for a few more months.
If you've been following this blog, you know that 2020 marked a lot of changes in my life, in just about every area. (If not: please visit the following posts: part 1, part 2, part 3, and part 4.) While the pace of changes have slowed down, there are still other changes that are occurring that I'll update at another time. Trusting God, because 1.) He has a purpose for my life, and 2.) either He's answering prayers that I'm finding I'm praying now, or He's actually been putting yearnings and feelings and longings in my heart that He's now setting the stage to bring into action. Maybe both!
Because of the changes in my life through 2020 that have brought me to where I am now, in February 2021, I recently found myself feeling that same deep yearning to be somewhere else, that I did in August 2009. I told my love about it, primarily to share with her so she knows. She replied that it has to be God's decision and His timing. And I agree with her. As I write this post, I wish not only to communicate clearly but also to stress that I'm not looking to just up and move! It does have to be 100% God-directed. Just like it was in 2009.
A few years ago, in 2018, I had a similar tug, but it was minor. But it was stronger than other thoughts and tugs I've had over the years, primarily because I realize that, prior to the last eleven years, I've never stayed in one city longer than nine years. And that was from when I was two years old, when my family and I moved back to Chicago from Houston, until I was eleven years old, when I began school in New York City. Otherwise, it's been a move once every four or five years.
The aforementioned tug to leave Chicago in 2018 at first felt like most other so-called "tugs," but I found myself in a place, not long after, finding a deep peace and okayness with Chicago being "home." I think I was driving back to my apartment from my piano client's house on the northwest side of Chicago, a solid 30-minute drive that includes both city streets and expressways. Within a month, I started chatting online with a woman who lived in suburban New York City. We were together for almost 14 months. One of the main questions hanging over our relationship was the distance. At least one of us would have to move. In the end, neither of us did, and we broke up (albeit for different spoken reasons). But I found it fascinating that at that time, what I thought was an insignificant tug (dismissing it merely as a willy-nilly "I just want to get away") turned into a very real decision point: whether to move to New York or not.
The beginning of this month, things got really challenging at my job. Some of it was my own triggers, which I surprisingly had a harder time navigating than I'm used to, but some of it was also things I saw with the dynamics at work that were and are just flat-out hard. Things kept coming at me, one after another. One big issue would resolve, only for another new one to arise before the day was out. That in itself was enough to unearth once again this deep tug: I want to get away from here. I want to bring my love with me and begin a new life, somewhere else that's not here. I spent some time on Google Maps exploring a specific location that's not only not here, but is also a place that feels very different from here. Don't know that that's God. Right now, I doubt it. My specific tug for Chicago in 2009 was in large part because my parents were here. The place I've gone back and explored this month has no one I know living there. Seems crazy, like, why would I want to move there? And, why would my love want to go there with me? After all, like she said, it has to be God directing us, and not us ourselves.
A big chunk of my "awayness" yearning is once again due to fatigue. And most of my fatigue, I think, is due to simply having my eyes opened to the people that live in the city I live now, as well as the surrounding area; it is also simply having my eyes opened to the kinds of people that I was surrounded by, at my old church, at my old job, (at my current job...) and in just about all of my seven years of music endeavors. It's a great thing to have one's eyes opened, but it also can be a painful thing. In the city where I live, there's an election coming up for mayor. I've researched the candidates, and I don't want to vote for any of them. A year ago, maybe, I would've been content to pick one of them. Now, I'm just disgusted. Moreso, I'm disgusted that these are the types of people that the majority of the population around me wants as mayor. They don't care for someone that will honor God; they want someone that will honor them.
I also didn't anticipate unearthing other thoughts, feelings, and perspectives that I now suspect were there all along when I made my philosophical/political shift. After the first bit of resistance at the thought of making said shift, once I started moving in the direction toward where I am now, I was surprised to find how often I saw things falling into place once I did. I don't really know how else to describe it: it was God. And now not only am I where I am now, but I'm now starting to share bits and pieces with people in my life that not even a year ago I was more inclined to agree with but now don't. Contrary to my fears, it has mostly felt freeing. People know now. (It's not to say that everyone has been nice and understanding about it.) But, like I can't explain the feeling I had last year of "things falling into place," I now cannot explain the feeling of freedom that I have when I speak what I believe. It's great.
At the same time, along with that freedom of believing and now starting to speak what I believe, I also have this feeling of increased oppression -- not so much personally, but with others that I see agree with where I stand now -- and it is clear that where I live I know I am in a very small minority. Any thoughts of nostalgia or longing for aspects of what my life was prior to 2020 are quickly dissipating. The town I live in? (And was born in? And grew up in?) Can't say I love it anymore. The big city next to the town I live in? Can't say I miss it anymore. The church I used to attend and where I knew a lot of people? Just staggering disappointment. The band members I used to play with? I don't really have feelings directed at them, but rather an awareness of "they don't know what's about to hit 'em," because, well, I'm moving on from them, too, even after the pandemic ends.
This is what I feel toward the life I both now have and am going after: “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." Matthew 13:44 NIV I feel like I have thrown all my eggs in this basket. And while I recognize that the act alone is a big risk (I've been advised over different points of my life: "don't throw all your eggs in one basket...") I feel like 1.) this is the right thing to do, and 2.) this is the only thing to do. But even when I feel like it is the right and only thing to do, there are always consequences. But, like Jesus says regarding the Kingdom of Heaven being worth throwing all your eggs in that basket, this too feels the same. It's not just the Kingdom of Heaven but also this life that I both now have and am going after, that I'm going "all in" on. And one of the consequences is this big "awayness" tug: you know, the I just want to get out of this environment, and plant my flag, build a new trade, build a log cabin (not really, but you get the idea), and build this new life feeling.
I just need to remember that it needs to be 100% God. And I also need to remember that He's done it before. I simply pray that I have enough awareness, wisdom, and trust to walk in obedience, because it's going to require a heck of a lot of adulting to do it this time. And above all, really actually trusting God.