A stone from memory lane: the New York years

Turns out I've spent my life being homesick.

When I was 10 years old, I decided I wanted to move to New York City. Why? I was invited to go to a boarding school and sing in a well-known choir in an adventure and opportunity not available to most people in this culture, let alone this world. I passed the audition, passed whatever academic entrance testing I needed, and *boom!* I was in if I wanted to accept their offer. I left home at age 11, not really understanding what I was leaving behind.

[Before I go any further, I want to inform you, the reader, that I have no intention of gaining pity or extra attention because of some deep truths I am choosing to share. I know that lately I've exposed some things that most people wouldn't share on a blog. My mission, knowing full well the changing state of this world and particularly the mental and emotional health, is to shed some light on such struggles and issues by sharing aspects of my story that will help others be able to identify some of their wounds and shortcomings.

There is a way to be transparent -- even in such a public place as the internet -- and still be safe. There are pieces of my story that I will never share on here, because this isn't a safe place for it. But there are other pieces that, while vulnerable, I have searched and deemed safe enough, or at least worth enough the risk that someone may be affected in a positive way.]

I graduated from St. Thomas Choir School at age 15. But in those four years I was there, I learned to suppress my own emotions, and to deny my own needs and feelings, not because it wasn't "good for boys to have," but rather because there was just a lot to do and a lot to keep up with.

In some ways, I grew a lot. The last three years I consistently got almost-straight-As on my report cards, and that included not only the staple middle-school classes (English, math, science, history, foreign languages, and art), but also music theory, theology, choir, piano lessons, and P.E./sport. I went from a kid that was so homesick that he had trouble paying attention in choir to being what Dr. H referred to as one of the best boy singers and leaders he'd ever had. And by the time I came along to the choir school, he'd been Organist and Master of Choristers for 25 years. So that's saying something.

But there was a cost. I experienced and became acclimated to life without the parents and learned independence. But even with all the adults there to supervise and mentor us, there was a limit on what they could give. For a kid whose parents lived farther away than anyone else's, the mentorship I received didn't offset the other stuff I needed that only my original parents could provide.

When I returned home, my goal was attaining all the people and attention I'd left behind. What I didn't realize was that everything was different, that I was different. I spent the next 12 years crying out desperately for something I didn't need, simply because what I really was crying out for was misplaced.

In 2009 I had the opportunity to stay employed with AmeriCorps by choosing to move to Austin, Minnesota. I balked. It was too far to drive. I couldn't afford a move. I was looking towards grad school and moving to the middle of nowhere would derail me. Last year I used some of the same excuses when my department moved to Batavia, Illinois. Too far. Too costly. Not worth it. I'm not saying that these reasons were wrong, but it makes so much more sense now: I chose to enter unemployment instead of staying employed both times because of what all came up for me when I lived in New York.

I don't want to spend any more of my life being homesick. I want to live.

Celibacy

I was up really late last night. It tends to happen when I'm wound up, when there's something seriously gnawing at the mind. Sure, it's occurred rather often in my life, but at least now when it does, it comes not as often, and only when I'm hitting on something deep (and usually painful).

My church has been going through a sermon series called Jesus and Culture ["http://evine.prod2.webenabled.net/jesus-and-culture"]  over the last month, and during that time we have touched on all sorts of categories where Christian values have gone by the wayside in favor of what's popular. Going into the series last month, our senior pastor knew that the following month-and-a-half of sermons was going to trigger a lot of reactions. Not everyone was going to agree; in fact, I'm sure many people don't agree. But I choose to support my church because, while there are delicate issues going on, the truth needs to be spoken.

Yesterday's sermon, much like the one a few weeks ago about community, triggered me. First I was angry, then after prayer I calmed down, and then when I listened to the sermon again for the second service (I decided to stay), I admired my senior pastor's gall for clearly stating what he needed to state without stuttering or flinching. I agree with everything in the sermon. But it triggered me because it hit a topic that bothers me deeply.

Here is the link ["http://www.evanstonvineyard.org/blog/201302/sexual-ethics-culture-tolerance"] to the outline of the sermon, titled "Sexual Ethics in a Culture of Tolerance." I won't copy and paste all the bullet points, but I will highlight a few points that hit me particularly strongly:

- the lie that sex is necessary for happiness and fulfillment, the lie that we need sex like we need good food and nourishment; society treats celibacy as "cruel and unusual punishment," and (my addition) that the more sex I were to have, - the more worth I would have as a person

- the lie that sex is a private, individual matter and it doesn't affect me; intellectually I struggle to understand it, let alone accept it, but emotionally it hits home for me because other people's sex lives do bother me and make me feel like less of a person

- determining on our own what is truly an ethical sexual relationship (without the bible) is impossible; a popular claim that sticks out to me the most is the "consenting adults in love"; issue is that "love" ("http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/eros" ) is fickle and doesn't last... people who fall in love will also fall out of love, plain and simple; other issue is distinguishing love (giving to the other person) vs lust (taking from the other person)... we are really bad at that on our own

- so then, how do we decide what is ethical? ultimately, it is what is according to God's design and endorsed by God himself

I was -- and still am -- wound up because my sense of identity through my celibacy was attacked. In the past I would have called it "spiritual warfare"; now, I call it a trigger of a wound. Perhaps they're both the same thing. In any case, I don't look at spiritual warfare as the "bad thing" that I did just a couple years ago. Whatever it is, I am on alert because there is something wrong and I need to give the proper attention to it.

The truth is, I've been celibate for ... let's just say a long time. ... a long time by my standards, anyway. The lie about sex being necessary for happiness and fulfillment still grates at me. Society tells me that, with a few exceptions, everyone else has "done it," and the world wants me to believe that because of my celibacy I am worthless by comparison. The world wants me to believe that "anything goes" in sex and relationships, and I've let that corrupt my view of myself and others for years. It's still there.

The last time I shared about this topic on here was a year-and-a-half ago (see posts here, here, and here ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/07/thirds-confessions-and-forgiveness.html"] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/08/if-youre-not-virgin-keep-walking.html"] [http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/08/footnotes-relationships-employment-and.html"]), a time when a close relationship I was in first forced me to confront these issues. I did not deal with them well (ultimately, it led to me ending that relationship), and with this topic coming up again I struggle to deal with it well. I suppose I deal with it marginally better now than I did then, but still.

I feel I've shared enough for today. There is more to sit with. And eventually I will write a "part 3" on this topic at some point.

So that God can EAT! Exodus: uncovering a tangible and relational God

Most of you know the Exodus story, or at least, the first half: Israel is in oppressive slavery in Egypt, God performs all these signs and miracles, and ultimately the Israelites walk through a mysteriously split Red Sea that closes just in time to drown the Egyptian army that was pursuing them. Exciting! The rest of the book of Exodus is a list of laws and Tabernacle requirements, so to speak. Boring.

I'm in the boring part of Exodus now, per the Read The Bible In One Year schedule I'm on. But over the last couple days of reading, and today particularly, I've become amazed at the point of why God sets all these rules and regulations regarding the Tabernacle/priesthood/offerings while the Israelites are going through the desert. It's really simple: God wants to be with them. He wants to be with us.

And let them make me a sanctuary; that I may dwell among them. ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus%2025:8&version=KJV"] Exodus 25:8, King James Version

Here follows a passage that I want to draw your attention to today:

"This is what you are to offer on the altar regularly each day: two lambs a year old. Offer one in the morning and the other at twilight. With the first lamb offer a tenth of an ephah of fine flour mixed with a quarter of a hin of oil from pressed olives, and a quarter of a hin of wine as a drink offering. Sacrifice the other lamb at twilight with the same grain offering and its drink offering as in the morning--a pleasing aroma, an offering made to the LORD by fire. "For the generations to come this burnt offering is to be made regularly at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting before the LORD. There I will meet you and speak to you; there also I will meet with the Israelites, and the place will be consecrated by my glory. "So I will consecrate the Tent of Meeting and the altar and will consecrate Aaron and his sons to serve me as priests. Then I will dwell among the Israelites and be their God. They will know that I am the LORD their God, who brought them out of Egypt so that I might dwell among them. I am the LORD their God.

["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus%2029:38-46&version=NIV"] Exodus 29:38-46, New International Version

The two conclusions I've drawn today I want to share: 1.) The first part of this passage, where God is outlining the daily sacrifices (in this case, the twice-a-day sacrifices), shows how real and tangible and relational God is. Simply, God wants to eat, which is why he requires meat and spices. Here, his desire to connect and be present with the others is shown through Moses and Aaron giving the Lord food as if he were another human being. (Of course, given that God asks for the finest of everything, that's what makes him separate and above humanity. But that's presently beside the point.)

2.) The second part of the passage, as my New Revised Standard Version bible puts it, is the entire point of the book of Exodus. All these instructions are so that God can continually dwell, in a physical and concrete way, with the Israelites as they make their pilgrimage to the promised land.

Most people don't tend to think of God as really wanting relationship with us or at least wanting to meet us where we are before the birth of Jesus Christ, but I beg to differ. In as early as the book of Exodus, God clearly defines his desire to be with us. The difference, I sense, is that God only makes it clear to the Israelites/Hebrews/Jews in the Old Testament, but when Jesus comes he opens the possibility of relationship to everyone.

Winter: letting me know I'm alive

I've said in the past that I hate winter. ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2009/01/starting-out-with-bang.html" ]

I've changed my mind about it. It feels right to me. The cold and the snow fit me. And, like Calvin's dad, weather like this lets me know I'm alive. Up until the last week or so we've had mild weather, but since then we've had snow fall in our area almost every day. Interestingly enough, it's been only really in the last week that I've been out and about more, requiring me to contend with driving in the snow. Gotta say I love 4-wheel drive; I don't know how else I could have gone through all that driving.

A more accurate way of me expressing my true feelings about winter is "I'm used to it." Every fall, cold air shocks me because I've been used to warm air. So, contending with my first 40-degree day sometime in October makes me uncomfortable, but having my first 40-degree day in February or March feels balmy. There's a degree of relativity to it.

Likewise, where I am in life is I have chosen certain priorities at the expense of others, and I've let that not only shape my friendships but determine my friends and my activities. How I spend my time and who I spend it with is vastly different from what it was a year ago. The "winter" theme fits in perfectly here because I feel I've been mostly downsizing. I don't like how I've been trying to socialize since around age 15 (and probably before then, too), and in order to grow up I need to make some tough changes. In some ways I am rather sad at it, but I am also beginning to see what is good for me in the long run.

Like with winter, I need to live in a way that lets me know I'm alive. It's not about me, and yet it is about me. Get it?

Honesty

I feel I need to be honest today. I'm still blogging, even though I made a big deal out of ending it last year. My absence from blogging lasted two months, but I decided surviving 12-21-2012 was a good enough excuse to come back. As far as you're concerned, I must be a hypocrite. And if I am indeed a hypocrite, then what good is it for you to pay attention, let alone take heed, to anything I say? There is no value in a hypocrite's words, declarations, promises.

I have a lot of things to say about what's true in my life right now, but as I'm learning more and more about what boundaries I need and where, I am choosing to abstain from sharing most of it.

This blog has been my voice, because for years I believed I didn't have a voice. I've lived my life (and still do, in some areas) believing that my voice didn't matter, that I didn't matter. That's what I had been told, from all sorts of different people, in all sorts of various ways, from all sorts of places, year after year after year.

But I am beginning to find my real voice, in places that I never knew I needed as recently as a couple years ago. And it is in those places where I am sharing what I really think and feel about life, about my life.

I need to be honest, first with myself, secondly with God, and thirdly with others, because I have struggles within myself that I cannot solve myself. I've tried and tried and tried to stop the things with which I struggle, and I've failed miserably, over and over again. And unfortunately the end result of this leaves me bitter and resentful and alone. I'm sick of being alone. I'm tired of being all by myself in this hellish world where no one cares. And I'm done with contributing to it by lying and saying everything's ok when they're not. I have to be honest.

And something that's true about me and my life that I will share on here is that I have become much more aware of my needs, the "what," the "where," and especially the "how much." The world that existed before my time had people that actually cared about each other and took care of each other. In today's world, no one gives a shit. And what I've realized (and hope I've decided) is that I am choosing to no longer tolerate that, not of anyone else, and not of myself.

As for this blog, I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to both leave and stay. So all I can truthfully promise is that the only way I'll leave this blog for sure is when I delete this page.