A Faraway State of Mind 4

 

It was a lovely time of year in Centropolis. It was the end of the fall season, and all the lights were going up in the city's central district, and on several of the main drags leading outward. In this bustling central city, as well as across the entirety of the Continent, preparations were being made for the annual commemoration of the birth of the Sphere of Life's Most Influential Man. No one knew when the Man's birthday really was, but authorities on another planet (called Earth) long ago decided to put it at the beginning of the cold season. Given the lack of natural light this time of year, they may have been on to something.

It was a lovely time of year in Centropolis. This precise place was where Maggie Felton happened to find herself at this precise time. A year earlier, she'd been promoted to a full-fledged attorney's position at the firm where she worked. And after a year, she finally was able to take some vacation time to go on a tour with a prominent choir that she sang with. The Eureka Singers, rather well-known and only open to the finest choral singers available, went on Continent-wide tours every year. This current two-week swing took them through all the biggest cities: Melby, Scottonburg, Best City, LeBaillyopolis, Stanton … and Centropolis. She had wanted to go last year, but she couldn't because she hadn't accrued enough vacation time yet.

So Maggie was making her first trip to Centropolis. The Eureka Singers were making two appearances, first at the Centropolis House of Opera, second at St. Barnabas Cathedral. They were really both impressive buildings. At least, that's what she was told. But so was the rest of the city. It wasn't quite as large as Eurekaopolis, but it was still a large, centralized burg with ample doses of culture at most every turn. Reminded her of home, she kept musing. Not bad.

When Kristen Lombardi was a teenager, she moved to the Continent with her family to escape the widespread political unrest going on in Logano, where she was from. They'd moved to Delano on the western end of the Continent, where she studied at Baron College. After she graduated, she moved to Centropolis to start her Master's program at Central University. To pay her way through school, she got a job as a waitress and bartender at Jerry's Bar and Grill, and a couple years earlier she ran into a couple people at a party who invited her to go to the LifeTree Church near the University (she'd gotten away from the church as a young adult).

It was a lovely time of year in Centropolis. Kristen loved all the lights and the events that went on, the concerts, the outdoor activities, the parties: Jerry's Bar and Grill hosted themed weekends; Central University, in spite of Finals season, still managed to put on some large, exciting socials; even LifeTree would gussy up for the month. On the first Friday of the season, sometime late-afternoon/early-evening, Kristen and a few friends decided to head to the Steak Cuisine, Centropolis' premier steakhouse / bar in both quality and price. It was one of her favorite places to eat, given its proximity to the park and the school.

It was that same Friday when the Eureka Singers arrived in town. After the initial choir rehearsal to get acclimated to the acoustics at the Centropolis House of Opera, Maggie had some free time. She and a few friends decided to hit the town for a few hours before call time for that night's concert. They couldn't go too far from the House of Opera, and the Steak Cuisine happened to be reasonably close. One of Maggie's friends had eaten there on a previous choir tour, and told her she had to at least go there once.

It was about five-thirty when Kristen and her university friends sat down for a dinner, a prelude to a full social night. The sun had long set, but the Steak Cuisine had been decked with lights and seasonal florae decorations inside and out. The evening rush was only beginning, so her party of six had little trouble being seated quickly. Appetizers, large entrees, and tasteful alcohol -- I'm thinking wine -- were in order (the less-tasteful stuff will come later, but that's not important to the story).

Maggie and her choir friends arrived closer to six o'clock, after more people had arrived. After a short wait, they too, four in all, were seated and invited to gander at all the glorious options the menu had to offer. Given that they were expected to perform in a couple of hours, they would have to suffer the minor misfortune of an alcohol-free dinner (they could drink after the concert, but neither does this have any relevance to the story).

Halfway through the dinner, Maggie had the need to make a pit stop. There was so much food that she was almost beside herself trying to take in all the deliciousness available. "Where's the restroom?" she'd asked the maitre d' at the front, for it was her first time at such a large place as this. He pointed the way, all the way down the hallway directly behind him. She thanked him and went on her way, focused on her next move, her meal, and tonight's concert, not noticing the three women in purple-and-white Central University sweatshirts ambling and laughing past her. Naturally, it was surprising when someone behind her call out:

"Hey, nice shirt!"

Maggie turned around to find another redhead like her wearing a halfway smile. "Oh boy, she's probably drunk," she thought.

"I like the 'Hii-YA, Melanoma' part! It's pretty cool. Where did you get it?" Kristen, the passerby, commented.

"Oh! Uh, thanks…" Maggie stammered. "I ran a triathlon a few years back and I made shirts for everyone who sponsored me."

"Right, right… Listen, I don't know you, but I recognize that shirt… You're saying you made it?"

"Yup! …why do you ask?"

"Hmm. I think a friend of mine has that shirt…. Yes. That's why I recognize it."

Maggie was surprised at the turn of this conversation, given that she was on her way to the restroom and some random person had stopped her. But it piqued her interest all of a sudden. There was just something about bumping into someone she'd never met before who happened to know someone she knew. "Oh, really? Who?"

Kristen paused to think. Her smirk made way for an expression of relative sadness when it hit her who the mystery friend was. "Thomas More," she said finally.

"Oh…!" Maggie's far-cheerier-than-a-mere-smirk face almost completely mirrored Kristen's facial transition. She became introspective. "Wow. I haven't talked to him in a while… How do you know him?"

"He and I go to the same church. He's a good friend of mine." Kristen caught herself. "Well… was."

"Hmm, I know what you mean," Maggie sympathized.

"Really?" Kristen asked, a little puzzled. She turned to her friends who had grown quiet since the beginning of the chance interaction and told them she'd meet them back at the table in a bit. She turned back to Maggie. "How do you know that?"

"He and I went to college together. We were good friends, too."

Kristen nodded. "And what happened? … if you don't mind me asking."

Maggie looked down-ish, shaking her head. "We basically just dropped out of touch. He… totally had a thing for me for a long time but never had the guts to tell me until it was far too late. And when I told him I couldn't do it, he just dropped out of my life again."

"Mm, sounds familiar."

Maggie looked up, confused. "How so?"

Kristen pursed her face for a second. "He had a thing for me, too… for all I know, he still might… and he told me that he couldn't be my friend until he could let go of me."

Maggie showed a pained look on her face. "I'm sorry," she sympathized. "I know it's rough. But you have to follow your heart on these things."

Kristen shared the same pained sympathy look. "I'm sorry for you, too. He's a good man, but… you know."

The bathroom urge hit Maggie again. "Well, hey, I really need to head in," she said as she aimed her head toward the door.

"Yes. I need to get going, too."

"…But is there some way I can get a hold of him?" Maggie interjected. "I just realized I'm in his town and didn't think to tell him."

"Hmm…" Kristen pondered. "Are you still going to be here on Sunday?"

"Yes, I should be… why?"

"He and I go to a LifeTree Church Sunday mornings. I know he'll be there."

"Hah," Maggie briefly rolled her eyes. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised he goes to a church now…"

"How come?"

"He was never a Christian the whole time I knew him -- I'm an atheist myself -- but I wonder if he converted because he almost went off the deep end…"

Maggie's comment triggered Kristen. "Hey! Hey now!"

"I'm sorry, didn't mean to offend you or anything," Maggie backed off. "Maybe Sunday when you see him you could tell him I'm here?"

"I can't talk to him. He says I trigger him."

Maggie pursed her face as she pondered this. "OK, I'll go. Where is this church?"

This was Maggie's first time entering a church on her own. She grew up in a very strict, religious family who'd shunned her for being the "rebellious one." As a result, she'd spent the entirety of her teenage years and adult life to date avoiding churches like the plague. Heading to the one Thomas went was a big step by itself. "How in the world was he a Christian?" she wanted to know. "And, why is his church a factory?" (She was used to big stone buildings with large stained-glass windows and dark, uninviting-looking, loud doors at the front.)

She entered the lobby. A loud rock song was playing through the speakers set throughout the room. There was a band playing on a large video screen on the center wall amid scores of people chatting and mingling. "This is definitely not what I would call a church…" The song ended. The preacher came up and gave the final blessing. She figured she would wait inconspicuously by the front and wait for Thomas to come through. Fifteen or so minutes passed. A couple people passed by to ask her if she needed anything. "I'm just waiting for a friend," she would reply. Eventually she gave up and entered the room behind the next set of double doors. She didn't see Thomas, but she did see Kristen on the side surrounded by a couple people who had laid hands on her. They were just taking them off now, and Maggie figured she might as well bug her.

"Hey," Kristen greeted, as her friends were leaving. "Glad you made it."

"Yeah, yeah. Where's Thomas?" Maggie replied.

Kristen shrugged. "Like I told you on the street, I can't just go up to him."

Maggie scoffed. "Some help you are."

"Hey! I'm at least giving you a chance to see Thomas."

Maggie paused for a few seconds, wearing a bit a smirk on her face. Finally, she asked, "What's your name?"

"I'm Kristen. And yours?"

"I'm Maggie."

"Nice to meet you."

They shook hands. "You too. … So did Thomas say he liked you? Like, a lot?"

Kristen had a quizzical look on her face. "Y-yeah… why do you ask?"

"It made me think. A couple years ago, when he came out to visit me, he told me I was the only one he ever loved, and even though I've put him behind me, there's a part of me that wonders if that was really true."

"He told me the same thing earlier this year."

Maggie looked at Kristen quizzically. "Really? OK, so then, what happened with you two? … If you're OK with me asking."

Kristen shrugged. "No problem. It all started a few years back when I started working at this bar he's a regular at -- I'm in grad school right now, finishing up my Masters in Political Science at Central University -- we started talking a little bit, hung out a couple times. I could totally tell then that he was in to me, and I couldn't deal with it. So I sent him an email right before he took off on this big trip to Eurekaoplis that we couldn't do it like this."

"Wait!" Maggie cut in. "That was when he came out to visit me! … no wonder he was feeling like crud the whole time. I swear he didn't eat a thing while he was hanging with me."

"He had feelings for you, too, you know," Kristen corrected. "It wasn't all because of my message."

Maggie sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yes, true … sorry, go on. I was interrupting."

"Well, that explains why he ignored me for a long time after I started coming to this church," Kristen continued. "…we'd started going here around the same time a couple years ago… but about a year ago we crossed paths at a party (some guy introduced us, thinking we'd never met before) and we started talking again. I told him where I was in life, and that I was looking for close friendships with guys, because I hadn't really had any at that point. He reciprocated, telling me he wanted to learn how to be close friends with women…"

"Yeah, he was never a ladies' man," Maggie rolled her eyes. "I mean, he was often nervous just being around me… I couldn't tell if it was because he liked me, or because he didn't like me… and for a long time, every other time we would run into each other he'd get all weird, as if he were afraid of me."

"I could see that," Kristen affirmed. "Once we became close friends, he usually wasn't nervous around me… although toward the end of our friendship he had some trouble… he confessed to me that he was struggling to see me as only a friend."

"So, what happened when you guys were friends?" Maggie inquired.

"We got close," Kristen stated. "I mean, nothing physical or anything like it… But he let me in to his life… and I let him in to mine… and I saw that he cared for me… he truly did… and I cared for him a bit, too."

Maggie shifted in her chair.

Kristen continued, "But about six months in, he confessed that he still liked me -- this is when he also told me about some 'Fordstate girl' that he had loved (I'm guessing that this was you)…"

Maggie nodded.

"…and he had to set up some boundaries on our conversations," Kristen explained. "He couldn't get intimate with me in this way without liking me."

"I have to imagine it would be hard for a lot of people," Maggie shared. "I think if Thomas had gotten as close with me as you say he'd gotten with you… I think I would have fallen for him."

"Yes," Kristen replied. "But it turned out it wasn't enough. Even though we'd set some boundaries he couldn't let go of me."

"What happened when he told you?"

"He told me I triggered him over online chat. I wasn't expecting it. It hurt. I cried."

"But, you don't have any feelings for him. How can you cry over it?"

Kristen sighed deeply. "I lost a really good friend. And I feel like I led him into sin…"

Maggie looked at her quizzically.

"…I mean I feel like it's my fault, somewhere in there," Kristen's voice began to break as tears began welling up. "My wish was for him to be the best … man he could be, however I could be of service… And I failed… I somehow brought him somewhere that wasn't good for him."

Maggie sighed, sympathetically. "I know. I lost him, too. And from what you've shared with me, I really wish I could have gotten to know him better."

"You know, he cried, too," Kristen said between sobs. "Both two months ago when he told me I triggered him… AND two years ago when he came back from Fordstate."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me. That's how."

Thomas was finishing putting away the drum kit when he ran into his good friend Caleb Redding. They started walking through the sanctuary as they met up.

"Hey, Tommy!" Caleb called out. "What're your plans for the rest of the day?"

"Schedule's open, bro!" Thomas called back. "D'ya wanna get some lunch with some peeps or something?"

"Sure! Sure! There's also gonna be a movie playing down at the the Century 25 Theatres later today. A bunch of people are going to it, if you're up for it."

As Thomas and Caleb were walking toward the double doors at the front, he heard an oddly-familiar voice off to the side.

"…I mean, at least you live close to him," Maggie was saying to Kristen. "I live 5-some-thousand miles away, so I'm pretty much out of chances. I mean, we're not even Bookface friends, anyway."

He stopped suddenly and did a double take at the two women sitting in the seats on the side.

Caleb caught up with him. "Oh, hey, I thought you were avoiding Kristen for awhile!" He joked.

Thomas waved Caleb off. "Hi, ladies," he greeted, rather confused.

"Hey, Thomas!" Maggie greeted, rather enthusiastically. She got up and ran to give Thomas a hug.

"Oh… hey, Maggie," he welcomed, awkwardly embracing Maggie. "Wow, I wasn't ever thinking you would come to Centropolis… and I certainly wasn't expecting this!" He looked at Kristen. "Hey, Kristen." He walked over and hugged Kristen. "It's good to see you. How are you? It's been a while."

Kristen smiled wanly, half-smirking. "We were just talking about you."

Thomas smirked back and nodded. "I bet. My next question was gonna be, of all the people that I could possibly know in the world, how the heck did you two end up crossing paths?"

"It was random," Maggie replied. "…Crazy, I know."

"My God, my head is spinning," Thomas exclaimed. "I don't even know what to do right now."

"Wanna get some lunch?" Maggie asked.

"Sure," Thomas accepted. "You wanna come along, Kristen?"

"I don't know," Kristen hedged. "Do I still trigger you?"

Thomas scoffed. "Kristen, Maggie still triggers me… and I'm still gonna go to lunch with her. Come along." He turned to Caleb, who was still there. "Hey bro, mind if we put off meeting up until later? I think we've got some catching up to do."

"No problem, man," Caleb understood. "Enjoy your lunch."

"Honestly, I think I will," Thomas smiled.

 

It would be an understatement to say that the lunch was a whirlwind for Thomas. He was having lunch with the two people he'd desired most in his life but neither of whom for whatever reason would have him, and he was having lunch with both of them at the same time. They enjoyed a positively interesting conversation, in both depth and range. The one thing he could be thankful was that he was at least on good terms with both. He'd learned they'd only crossed paths near the restrooms at the Steak Cuisine back on Friday, and that it was completely by chance. Had Maggie not worn her "Hii-YA, Melanoma! Race for the Cure Annum 2412" shirt, Kristen would have walked right past her without a second thought. Maggie and Kristen had a few similar connections, including the City of Delano, as well as Baron College, where Kristen had gone to school previously (Maggie almost went there before choosing Orem instead).

 

Sometime late in the lunch, Kristen suddenly uttered, "Oh no," and hid her face.

"What?" Thomas and Maggie asked. Maggie looked in the direction where Kristen had looked. "Oh, no!" Maggie commented. "What??" Thomas turned around. A guy had just walked in the front door and was walking to the food counter, but other than that, it looked like nothing unusual was happening.

"My ex just walked in," Kristen groaned.

"No kidding. Mine, too!" Maggie exclaimed. "Which one is yours?"

"The one in the red cap and leather jacket. Yours?"

"R-red cap and leather j-jacket."

"Wait…" Thomas was trying to wrap his mind around this. "You both dated the same guy? What the heck?"

The man in the red cap and leather jacket turned his head toward the table. "Kristen Lombardi!" Upon not getting an answer, he walked toward the table. "Kristen! … Kristen…"

"Hi, Jake," Kristen replied, unhappily.

"Yeah, hi Jake," Thomas got up, confronting the stranger.

"Thomas, no," Maggie intervened.

"Magsie? What are you doing here?" Jake turned, utterly surprised.

"Jacob! How are you? It's been forever!" Maggie tried to say hello.

Jake ignored her. "Kristen. I miss you. Please come back to me."

"We've been through this before," Kristen said emphatically. "I am not taking you back."

"You heard the lady," Thomas echoed. "She said no."

"Jacob!?" Maggie demanded, incredulously. "What about me?"

"What about you?" Jake mockingly asked. "Nice catholic high school girl, easy @%$#."

"What?!?" Maggie cried.

"You say that about every girl!" Kristen accused. "You said that about me behind my back in college! You used me for four years and then you left me without a word!"

"That's not even the half of it, Kristen!" Maggie shouted. "He ditched me after high school, asked me back after college and then ditched me again!"

Thomas' anger hit a boiling point. "Get the $#%@ out of here, you jerk!" he yelled as he attacked Jake, grabbing him by the collar of his jacket. Kristen and Maggie grabbed Thomas to restrain him. "No one who abuses people I care about … Buh!… If I weren't a Christian I'd kill you right now!"

Jake ran out of the restaurant. Maggie and Kristen sat an extremely huffed-up Thomas in his chair.

"I don't know," Thomas spat as he continued huffing and puffing. "I don't know who to be angry at most. I'm angry at him because he not only screwed you both over but also robbed your trust in men."

"I know," Kristen tried to reassure.

"…but I'm also angry at the both of you," he continued, "because even though it's not your fault that he robbed you, you both still choose not to have me, and quite frankly I don't know if I can stay friends with either of you." He rose from his chair and pulled out cash from his wallet. "I'm sorry, I just can't do this."

"Thomas, what are you doing?" Maggie asked as Thomas dropped his share of the bill.

"I'm leaving," he shot back as he headed for the door.

"Thomas!" Maggie got up.

"Let him go," Kristen grabbed Maggie's arm.

"But, Kristen, I leave tomorrow!"

"No, Maggie. Let him go."

"But if this is the last time I see him while I'm here, I don't want it to be like this!"

Kristen sighed. "It's no use when he's like this. Sometimes I wish I hadn't come into his life knowing the harm I caused him…" Her voice broke as tears began to spring up.

Maggie was saddened, herself. "How can you say that?"

"I-I just wanted to be good friends with him, that's all."

"But Kristen, you've done more good in his life than you know! He was totally different last time I saw him, and I think you had a lot to do with it."

"Not necessarily…"

"Look," Maggie interrupted, "he may have told both of us at some point or another that he loved us more than anyone else, but you're the one that has really made an impact on his life! The change I've seen in him since I last saw him is far greater than I'd ever seen in all the previous years I'd ever known him! You did that! This was your doing! What could possibly make you think you caused him more harm than good?"

Kristen couldn't speak; all she could do was shrug, sob, and shake her head.

After a long pause, Maggie chimed in, "How the heck did you ever end up dating Jacob?"

"I really don't want to talk about that right now," Kristen tersely cut in.

"Now that I think about it, he really was a user. I gave my heart to him and he abused it. Twice!"

"Yes. I know. He @%$#ed me, too."

 

Later in the day, Maggie tracked Thomas down, alone. She couldn't leave Centropolis knowing that she was seemingly on this bad of terms with him. After a bit of a search, she finally caught him in the distance, exiting a convenience store on a less-populated corner.

"Thomas!" she panted as she ran towards him.

He looked up, a bit surprised. "Maggie?"

"Hey. Tom," she said as she tried to catch her breath. "I wanted to talk to you before I leave."

He exhaled with a degree of resignation and surrender. "OK. What do you want to talk about?"

"Look, before I say what I'm about to say, I just want to tell you that we're always going to be friends, nothing more, nothing less." A look of concern fell across her face. "…are you OK with that?"

"I don't have a choice," he snapped. "I have to live with it."

"But Tom, I want to ask you something," she pleaded.

"OK, shoot."

"Are you really going to ignore Kristen for the rest of your life?"

"Why…?" he asked, confused, trying to analyze Maggie's angle of questioning.

She decided to try a different tactic. "Are you going to ignore me for the rest of your life?"

He stared at her.

"Look. I really like you as a person, and I know Kristen does, too. She feels like everything that happened between you and her is her fault. … She and I both know how much we mean to you. And though I can't speak for her, I just want you to know I'm happy I've gotten to know you all these years. … You're a good man, Tom. I want you to know that. … I'm glad you're in my life. … Just because you're here and I'm in Eurekaopolis doesn't mean we can't keep in touch. It does make it a bit harder, but it doesn't make it impossible. … Just, don't give up on Kristen, Tom. Look, you guys will probably never end up together, but it doesn't mean she can't have a meaningful role in your life, nor does it mean you can't have a meaningful role in hers. You can still have her in your life and be happy. No one can take that away from you. … no one can take that away from you."

By this point Thomas had started crying. Maggie took him in her arms. "I… miss you guys so much," he choked out.

"I know… I know," she sighed, reassuringly.

"All my life," he continued, "bad things have happened with relationships between people dear to me, and for some reason the relationships that do happen are never the ones I want…. Why can't I ever experience the relationships I want?? Why? Somewhere, when it's all said and done, everyone will have the relationships they want, and I'll be the one left out in the cold. This really sucks. I can't take it. I just can't take it…" His voice gave way to a series of sobs.

Several seconds later, Maggie commented, "Y'know, you kinda remind me of my eighteen-month-old daughter when she cries sometimes."

Thomas looked up suddenly and stared at her. "What?" He let go and began to back away. "No. No…"

"What?" she asked, confused.

He just shook his head amidst lingering sniffles. "Good-bye, Maggie," he said, finally, his voice breaking. "I promise I'll touch base with you again someday. But I can't right now. I'm sorry." He turned and left.

 

When it's time to make a life-altering decision, it's crucial not to look back. In the year-and-a-half of his time at LifeTree, Thomas finally got to see some of the deepest, most vulnerable parts of his pain, his life. It was humbling and liberating at the same time. But this freedom meant taking some action he found he desperately didn't want to take. He had to cut both Maggie and Kristen out of his life, at least for an indefinite period of time. He left his downtown office job, which was moving to Scottonburg, a decent-size city about 50 miles away. It wasn't the best fit for his talents, anyway. But he knew he'd stumbled on something huge when he became a LifeTree member. He found a new job that allowed him to network more and feed his life, if not so much his wallet. At least he had the freedom to do so; several people he knew his age were saddled with families and obligations of their own, and they certainly could not make the seemingly-unorthodox (and definitely unContinental) employment change that he could.

Being able to let go of things (or people) and not look back is a mountain-moving process in itself. It takes time and immeasurable amounts of effort. But it can be done. After all, God so loved all of his creation that he had sent his only Son, the Christ, so to abandon him on a crucifix when he needed his Father the most. He offered a chance for things to be made right while there is still time.

It was a lovely time of year in Centropolis. Thanks to LifeTree, each time of year seems to get lovelier than the previous one, at least according to Thomas' state of mind. Not a bad place to be, really.

Announcing an album release to a website near you

I haven't talked about music in a while ... a looooong while, it seems. But this summer, aside from working a lot and attempting to see about a female friend, I found time to work on a collaborative album with Alexander, a poet/literary writer friend of mine who also moonlights as a musician. Works for me, since I'm a music writer who moonlights as a lyricist on occasion. For all our toil of joy we produced only four songs, but they're quality songs. As soon as we get our cover art, the album will hit bandcamp. I'll post the link when it's official. For now though, enjoy the liner notes for each of the four songs:

1. Hymn to Night

This is a poem of mine that Nathan selected from a bunch of my preexisting poetry I gave him to look at. He set it to music very beautifully! – AD

I endeavored to set it to music written in a style Alexander would have chosen for the lyrics. In this case it is 5/4 time and the Mixolydian mode, the latter which seems to fit the “night” theme so eloquently. – NF

2. Love’s Dream

Nathan gave me a rough sketch of the music for this song, and I wrote the words to it. After I sent him the lyrics, he went back and worked on some parts of the music to make a perfect whole. For the inspiration see Song of Songs 3:1-4 and 4:11. – AD

This art song best represents a true collaborative effort: I presented Alexander a song rescued from the garbage heap. After Alexander wrote me some new lyrics I adjusted my music to fit his masterpiece. – NF

3. Gone and Vanished

This song is a remake of a track from my 2010 “Fading Purple Sky” album, which can be found on my bandcamp site. Imagine “waking up” one morning and everything you ever knew being gone. – NF

4. Sunrise 2011

To [name removed for confidentiality purposes], with whom, among many other excellent friends, I watched the sun rise on January 1, 2011; written as a song of friendship. – AD

On freedom and confessing

So it was around two months ago that I changed the blog's title and switched it to private. I changed the theme to confessions because quite frankly I have a lot to confess. But this morning I listened to a sermon about freedom, not just political freedom, but also the kind of freedom from sin and from rules. I just took a couple minutes to give thanks for everyone who had enabled my freedom. I of course had to start with the military personnel, given that I live in a nation where I can be free to worship God, write music, hang out with friends, etc. But I also gave thanks to all the wonderful people that have helped me on my march, including all the guys in my men's group (which ended just this last week... sadface), family, and friends and strangers in all the communities with whom I commune.

Freedom has lately become a big word for me, so big that at times I almost don't want to hear it (embarrassed at it, maybe?). But it's not just the physical aspect. I mean, I'm free to go to Vineyard on Sundays, and to go to Rubicon during the week, and to go home at night and go other places at various times... but a friend of mine with whom I've talked about this told me that I was still in a prison of some sort. I would say that this friend was right: I used to isolate and hole myself up so much in previous years to the point that I'm still surprised it didn't kill me. Thanks to the growing God has enabled me to do since I moved back to Chicago, I am much more free than I used to be. But along with this series of risk-taking, there has been immense spiritual warfare, thus driving home the point that freedom still is not free.

This spring I've been taking huge risks in two areas (although one of them doesn't feel so huge): 1.) learning and spilling the true original pain(s) in my life (and not what I'd been deceived into thinking it was) with several friends, including those in my men's group; 2.) learning how to be better friends with females. With one of these areas, I've been springing way forward, far ahead of where I thought I would be; the other, well, it's still very much a work in progress. But last week I received encouragement from multiple sources in that God was pleased with me in the work that has been done. I wish I could have cried. That's the kind of stuff that will make most people on this earth cry. I'm one of the unfortunate few exceptions.

But the reflections from the strides I've taken this spring and the sermon I heard this morning both combined to make me think of my life since I visited California last year. When I returned to Chicago in September I knew there would be a war. I didn't know how big or how long or where it would go, but I knew it was time to dig in. It was a war against sin (which I knew right off the bat), but also war against the legalistic, "by-the-rules" mindset (that one surprised me). I wanted the former gone so bad that I dragged myself into the latter, which resulted in me being angry for months. There were a few areas in my life I wanted nothing to do with, involving setting up defense-mechanism-based mindsets, shutting off from certain periods in my life, as well as alienating a few friends. Thankfully, the separation from some of these friends was not permanent, and some of them have been very helpful to me in this -- what's the word I used earlier? -- right, march; this march to freedom this last year. So thank you to Nate, Jason, Dan, Audrey, Toya, Mike, Eric, Jim, Michelle, Thelma, David, and many others that are not immediately coming to me off the top of my head. You don't know how much you've blessed me in this time. Or maybe you do... ;-)

The other thing I wanted to talk about was the whole confessing thing, y'know, since I changed the blog title to be this. Part of this "freedom" thing is to be able to confess anything that's on my mind to anyone I trust, and I'm not there yet. I still have friends with whom I want and need to share some things, and because of one reason or another I haven't yet. This has been one main story in my life, not feeling free to share (often a lie), and I hate it. It's one reason I started blogging, period, and more to the point, why I changed the blog's title from "amid the noise and haste 2" to "confession by a [insert identity here]." I'd seen my posts from last year (2010) and realized that I'd been confessing a lot of stuff, including things that may have been better off not being on the internet. But this space is kind of a shortcut for me to be able to share crap if for whatever reason I didn't feel free to share it with the right people. I have had friends that I've treated unfairly over the years for no reason, and I still want and need to apologize to them (Chris and Erik come to mind). There are others that I knew when I was younger that I no longer am in contact with, and I often feel I still need to confess it, if for no other reason than to not hide it anymore. I still want to go to Cincinnati for a day to do something specific (I won't share on here; ask me in conversation if you must).

Maybe that's it: confessing sets me free. Of course, it is always best just to trust in the Holy Spirit to give me my freedom to choose, change, and care, but sometimes confessing is part of the package. At this point in my life, I feel that it is the case.

Happy blessed fourth. I pray each and every one of you take the time to remember who has blessed you and given your freedom.