Dropping in on another section of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Jesus reveals that He cares about whether we offend others. There is nothing biblical about “suck it up and grow up, you big baby” here. (Now, to clarify, the offenses that He is referring to here don’t involve trying to correct people when they’re clearly sinning and hurting themselves and/or others. These also don’t pertain to people who are clearly deceived and repeating said deceptions to others in efforts to persuade them. These disclaimers cover anything political, and to any of the obvious sins as listed in the Bible such as adultery, homosexuality, abortion, witchcraft, other forms of murder, theft, and otherwise causing harm to self, to others, or to property.) But it does highlight a major point here: what happens in our childhoods, impact us greatly for the rest of our lives, and sadly, for many, the rest of eternity as well.
““Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes! “If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire.”Matthew 18:6-9 NKJV
I used to teach piano lessons to children for about six years. I still have regrets over how I handled trying to discipline my students, regarding both the music and learning aspects, as well as the personal behavior aspects. Then there was the fact that, I didn’t grow much as a teacher (or adult) when teaching these lessons. Although I marketed myself as a “non-traditional” teacher, particularly in that I wasn’t going to be cruel to students who didn’t practice and that I was going to let them do whatever they wanted (under the assumption that every student would be self-driven, and that their self-drive would somehow mirror mine when I was a student myself), what that resulted in was a lack of structure that never gave any of them the chance to really take off (I can think of one exception, in that she was particularly driven and had other places and platforms in which she could also develop her skills).
Additionally, I discovered that if the student’s interests didn’t match mine, my motivation to help them succeed dropped. I often got requests for certain modern songs, and if I didn’t jive with the song, my interest in teaching it to them disappeared. (The truth is, a big part of teaching, whether in private music lessons or in a classroom consists of lesson planning, research, and grading. In other words, I regularly had homework, just like the students I had (which I had assigned to them!). But, more often than not, I did the bare minimum, unless I personally had an interest in what they were doing.)
I’m convinced that the few that continued in music after my time with them realized how much better their subsequent music teachers were. As for most of the others, I’m quite aware I played a role in their decision to quit music, and in one or more cases, the lack of development even as they still tried to chart their own course apart from any formal instruction. How many more would have stayed in music if I were a better teacher and even a better person? I don’t believe I’ll ever know the answer to those questions.
I remember hearing silence from the Lord regarding whether or not I would ever have children. This was long before my wife came onto the scene, and even before I began my piano teaching practice. The context was that I had asked Him regarding both marriage and children. He did answer my question about marriage by giving me a partial image of what I deduced my (at the time, future) wife would look like. But not once did I ever hear anything about children. Unfortunately, I believe that how I handled teaching my students during those six years told me everything that I ever needed to know about how well I would actually do if I ever became a dad.
So when I read Jesus’s statements on the importance of doing right by the children in our lives, it reminds me that it is better that I don’t ever get involved in the lives of children as any sort of mentor, because the seriousness of causing any kind of harm to them, whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual (to say nothing regarding the sexual, thanks to all the perverts that are out there), is so great.
““Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven. For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost.”Matthew 18:10-11 NKJV
I must remember that once upon a time, I was completely lost as well. I grew up in a broken home in a Western, pagan, liberal society where I was constantly reminded of how much better everyone else’s lives were than mine, and that the only way to make the pain I regularly experienced go away was to hope for the riches and privileges that they had. (However I was not given enough of the right tools then to make those things a reality.)
Only for the fact that Jesus Christ, crucified, died, and resurrected, was preached, and the importance of singing praises to God and (generically*) confessing our sins every week, did I have some kind of faith lifeline reminding me that Jesus was indeed God, and that His death and resurrection freed us from the bondage of sin. But in terms of knowledge, whether about faith, or about my life, that was of any eternal value, that was it. I was drowning in worldliness without any tips or tricks for how to grow up or succeed, let alone managing my own pain so I could actually heal and then be able to learn and grow even more. Even in my twenties I realized that I was “in a fog.”
[*I used to think, as an adult up until recently, that doing the general congregational confession each Sunday meant that we were “good for the week.” That, combined with doing a perfect job singing our praises to God, equated to Him being satisfied with our work until the next Sunday, when we had to come back and do it again. More recent reflections have also turned up a thought I subconsciously had regarding this aspect of church: if singing praises as perfectly as we can, and confessing our sins congregationally according to the prompt printed in the bulletin (or prayer book) equated to us being “good with God” for the week, then why did we have to keep coming back and doing it again and again every week? Something was not being explained, and I wouldn’t get my first bit of knowledge about how any of this worked until God led me to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes group in college.]
““What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.”Matthew 18:12-14 NKJV
That is the greatest illustration of Jesus’s love, for you, for me, and for everyone else, including our enemies. During my first year attending the Vineyard (I was in my mid-twenties by this time), this was one of the many scriptures that I grabbed hold of, for dear life. I believe that I even used it in Faraway State of Mind, story #3 (scroll all the way down to the last section), in a scene of ministry of longtime believers preaching the Gospel to a character who was in great pain at that moment.
Topic shift, kind of. The next section deals with the famous part of this chapter, so much so that, when someone references “Matthew 18,” the next bit of scripture is what they’re referring to.
Dealing with a sinning brother, step 1
““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”Matthew 18:15 NKJV
Jesus highlights the importance of lovingly confronting another believer who happens to be in sin. The eternal ramifications of helping another back on the path that He laid out is critical:
“but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh.”Jude 1:23 NKJV
One of the reasons why this is so critical is due to the below:
““Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.”Matthew 7:13-14 NKJV
““Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’”Matthew 7:21-23 NKJV
So avoidance is not optional. I remember having to be part of these discussions as a co-leader of a ministry at my former church. Oftentimes my co-leader and I had to confront folks, most often for inappropriate behavior that a group member was engaging in (or trying to) with another group member. And especially as leaders, we had a responsibility to ensure the safety of all members, including spiritual and mental safety as well as physical. All sin starts in the heart.
But also correcting others in love is essential:
“but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—”Ephesians 4:15 NKJV
Given that I was completely green regarding confronting others in the position as leader, my co-leader did the majority of the heavy lifting. My role was to be there as a witness and moral support for my co-leader, especially as we both prepared for the confrontation and especially afterward as we debriefed. I do think that my co-leader did a pretty good job of handling the first step of this portion of the Matthew 18 peacemaking process, so much so that the issues at hand almost never needed to progress past this stage.
““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”Matthew 18:15 NKJV
The line that stands out to me this time when reading it is the line “if he hears you.” Jesus does not promise that the first stage of confronting another person (whether from a place of love or not) regarding their sin will guarantee that they will listen to you. God gives us all free will, so the recipient of this confrontation is free to react however they will! Oftentimes, as the confronter or potential confronter, this is the most difficult part of it: realizing that the other person might not listen to you, especially if it concerns a topic that already affects you greatly! I believe that this is part of why Jesus has said this:
“And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”Matthew 7:3-5 NKJV
Sometimes the thing we need to do first before confronting another person is processing our own triggers so that we do not sin in the first place.
““Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath,”Ephesians 4:26 NKJV
(A quick note about “do not let the sun go down on your wrath”: the point is to not let anger fester and become bitterness. However, so many people have also misinterpreted this to excuse confronting someone while they’re still emotionally triggered. What unfortunately often happens is that the conflict doesn’t get resolved, and more often than not, the second person now is angry because the first person dumped on them under the disguise of resolving a conflict. That’s why I firmly believe that no true conflict resolution can happen until the first person who has the issue in the first place has processed their own emotions and spent time with the Lord to understand clearly whether the issue they are dealing with is a real issue that needs a confrontation, or whether it’s just their own emotional bluster. It is why this verse is in the Bible at all:
“Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”Matthew 7:5 NKJV
Ironically, some of the worst offenders of this are those who preach “suck it up and grow up, you big baby!” Talk about hypocrisy!)
One final verse to bring the point home:
“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”James 1:19-20 NKJV
Dealing with a sinning brother, step 2
“But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’”Matthew 18:16 NKJV
I am far less versed in the latter two stages of Jesus’s command for conflict resolution than I am of the first. The closest thing that I can think of are my experiences in group therapy. And even then, the structure of that resembles the third stage of Jesus’s conflict resolution command far more than the second. It’s set up this way because many people who are in group therapy either don’t know how to resolve conflict correctly (no one ever modeled it or taught them when they were children), or they had been badly damaged by previous traumatic experiences related to conflict resolution particularly with mentor-type figures who psychologically abused them during this process. Or, as has often been the case, both.
In some conversations with friends even back in the day where they were Bible-oriented but not counseling-oriented, some of them claimed to “smell a rat” regarding the idea of therapy groups being places where people processed issues with others in their lives without going directly to the person first. I’m not going to say that I have the answers on this, let alone the perfect answer. But I will say this: for those who have truly given their lives to Jesus Christ as their King and Savior, and fully put their trust in Him, there’s a sense where His grace will cover it, to a point. Mature believers obviously should follow all the Bible especially as they get to know God better and better. But I believe that God gives grace to a lesser-mature person who genuinely doesn’t know what they’re doing, but also is genuinely seeking God and trying to grow in Him.
“All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”II Timothy 3:16-17 NKJV
“But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.””James 4:6 NKJV
“Therefore, leaving the discussion of the elementary principles of Christ, let us go on to perfection, not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, of the doctrine of baptisms, of laying on of hands, of resurrection of the dead, and of eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits.”Hebrews 6:1-3 NKJV
There is something to be said for choosing not to allow God to mature you. But there’s also something to be said for not assuming that simply because a person is struggling and not progressing (especially as you expect such a person to progress), that automatically they’re not trying. In some cases, it’s true. But in others, not necessarily. It’s why I believe Jesus says this:
““Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”Matthew 7:1-2 NKJV
It doesn’t mean that we don’t discern a person’s fruits, and, as outlined before, that we don’t confront such a person who is in their sin. Because clearly Jesus said the following as well:
““Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?”Matthew 7:15-16 NKJV
““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”Matthew 18:15 NKJV
We discern a person’s fruits to watch whether we should trust them or not, let alone allow them to influence us or not. And we do need to confront sin when we see it. But it does mean that we leave the judging of hearts to God. Our job is to judge people’s actions; God’s job is to judge their (and our) hearts.
The point is, generally people who are in therapy genuinely seek to learn and grow and mature (not always, but I did find it to be the case far more often than not). But we all had to start somewhere. Just like I once was lost, so were you:
“And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins,”Ephesians 2:1 NKJV
“And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses,”Colossians 2:13 NKJV
“Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.”Galatians 6:1 NKJV
As such, as we confront one another, we should remember that we too once were lost and needed to be found, saved, and helped; therefore we should extend the same gentleness to those we confront.
Dealing with a sinning brother, step 3
As previously mentioned, outside of group counseling, I have basically no experience with this stage of conflict resolution. As such, I will not comment much except to summarize the spirit of what I believe God has been revealing to me through this read through of this portion of scripture.
“And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”Matthew 18:17 NKJV
What is striking to me is that God doesn’t require us to be “buddy-buddy” with those with whom attempts at conflict resolution don’t lead to peace. I have a significant person in my life (not my wife, thankfully) who often has preached about “getting along” with people where this was the case. This person for whatever reason follows this principle in their lives, often to the point of subjecting themselves to repeated abuse, and expects others, especially those within their sphere of influence, to do likewise. I’ve had many a conflict with this person regarding this core issue, even though the surface issues were largely different. In such cases, these conflicts often resulted in “agreeing to disagree,” which I learned was also a form of abuse, most prominently when it involved this person dismissing concerns I still hold to this day as legitimate. As such, the conclusion of “agreeing to disagree” doesn’t (and shouldn’t) necessarily apply to personal conflicts in such a way where the end result is that the relationship remains unchanged.
In case you’re curious as to know what I did with that relationship, I put distance between us. I would say that now we have a great friendship, and it’s because I set and enforced strict boundaries between us. God not only allows but also commands (I believe) us to let such toxic individuals be “like a heathen and a tax collector.”
(Additionally, to drive home this point even further, please check out this post and this post.)
As much as I value what Jesus has said about judging, discernment, and peacemaking, I think all three can be summed up in the below:
“Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For each one shall bear his own load.”Galatians 6:1-5 NKJV
The chapter closes with a very important parable on forgiveness:
“Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. “But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.””Matthew 18:21-35 NKJV
Here a second time, Jesus not only commands forgiveness but also warns of the consequences of not forgiving others, just like He stated earlier here:
“But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”Matthew 6:15 NKJV
The truth is, forgiveness is detox. Conversely, unforgiveness is choosing to remain in toxicity. Sometimes, the only way to actually forgive someone is to remove them from your life and yourself from their life. After all,
“Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.””I Corinthians 15:33 NKJV
We are a lot more easily influenceable than we realize. When I look back on my life, particularly in my twenties and into my thirties, most of my biggest mistakes were tied to not following this verse. I was also still putting my trust in people instead of God, which made the consequences of these mistakes even worse. After all, the Bible has this to say about our hearts:
“Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.”Proverbs 4:23 NKJV
Scripture also has this uncomfortable truth to say about the same:
““The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?”Jeremiah 17:9 NKJV
It’s why, along with surrendering to Jesus Christ as your King and Savior and submitting your life and your will to Him, seeking Him and seeking wisdom is so important:
“Seek the Lord while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near.”Isaiah 55:6 NKJV
“Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.”Proverbs 4:7 NKJV
And because proper forgiveness is so critical to ensuring your salvation, after receiving Jesus as your King and Savior, these other steps regarding conflicts and relationships are so vital, not only to your health but also to your walk with God.
In today’s post, I have been finding myself processing more things from my own life than usual. My aim is to exercise for myself that process of forgiveness as I write, because there is nothing to be gained from revenge, and there’s nothing to be gained even from merely hoping and wishing that I could go back and change things to make them right. In all situations, God gave them and me free will. What’s done is done. Although I’ve chosen to maintain a portion of a friendship with the one person I mentioned more recently, I’ve had to come to terms with and accept that all those other relationships that were affected are dead.
Even recently (likely because it was the Christmas holiday season), one former connection reached out to ask my address, and several others to whom I sent Christmas e-cards opened them (one of which was a surprise because I didn’t send them any e-card this year, but had several years back). Regarding the one contact who asked for my address, that was a case (one of unfortunately many) where the friendship died. Naturally, I was wary regarding any potential motivations to connect beyond the immediate transaction. I proceeded carefully. I gave my address and left it. (He runs a global missionary ministry, so he was going to send newsletters regarding ministry updates.) In the back of my mind, however, I was also gauging what, if any, his interest was beyond the address request. I read through his last email several times across several days, trying to discern if there was anything else. That was kind of nerve wracking to say the least! Finally, the last time I read through it, I noticed that he had quickly pivoted to business after briefly making a (token) attempt to be social. It didn’t seem like he was looking for a serious attempt at catching up. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that I could just let this go and not respond (considering I had already given him my address so he could mail ministry update newsletters to me). And so I did just that.
I do not believe I hold anything against him at this point. I used to, but what it boiled down to was a set of expectations that I had of him and of our friendship based on how God first introduced us, specifically in relation to where I was in life, and the role that he played then. When that phase ended some months later, it was incredibly hard on me to the point that it took years for me to learn to accept it. Ironically, it took, in a more recent year, a very different (and difficult) experience with him for me to see, understand, and ultimately accept that one of the many reasons God moved him out of my life was because his maturity, great as it was in some ways, had a hard limit. (Granted, my maturity wasn’t all there, either.) I still had large gaping needs that God was (and even now, is) working to minister to, and this man’s usefulness to those needs had expired. This is a type of lesson across many different people, experiences, and seasons, that has taken me years to grasp. Ultimately, it’s about trusting God, not people. Among other reasons, it’s because at some point, people let each other down and need to be forgiven.
Ultimately, we need God’s forgiveness, because without it, we don’t make heaven; we make hell instead. Without it, we don’t get to spend eternity with Jesus; instead we are separated from Him forever. But Jesus Christ made a way; He came to earth to die on a cross where His shed blood would (and did) finally make right the payment that God the Father requires for all sin. All He requires of us is that we believe, trust, and obey Him. This includes, among other things, freely forgiving others, as He freely has forgiven us.
“In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”I John 4:10 NKJV
“whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed,”Romans 3:25 NKJV
“And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the whole world.”I John 2:2 NKJV
