Intentional juxtaposition of points

Over the past few rehearsals and performances, I kept finding more and more reasons why I like Cantorei, and it's kind of funny just how they kept hitting me. Even though we do a lot of hymn-anthems and monophonic singing, the stuff we do reminds me most of what I did while singing in church choirs as a kid, more so than any other choir I've been a part of. For one, we rehearse every Wednesday in Boe, so those days we have the organ accompanying some of the pieces we have. We had a couple services/concerts earlier in the week, and I was amazed at how many people were touched by it. It helps to know the wide variety of worship experiences where fulfillment could be achieved. I know, because I had an experience like that after one of them.

For my comp lessons, my goal this semester is to have two pieces ready and set to be performed for my comp recital next semester. Right now I am working on a six-part choral piece (much like what Charles V. Stanford does in his "Beati quorum via," which, ironically, Cantorei will be doing at some point this year), based on excerpts from a couple psalms, #2 (Why are the nations in an uproar) and #130 (Out of the depths). But what motivates me to juxtapose these two texts is theme I'm trying to set up. Psalm 2 suggests an anger at the clashes between several nations, and Psalm 130 hints at a sort of despair, possibly as a result of these inter-national clashes, and hope, where turning to God will help solve all these problems.

For my Ethics of War class, in addition to reading all these books about different arguments about war through the Christian lenses (and possibly those of other religions) we have to attend seminars occuring every other week where multiple faculty members involved in the semester theme "Liberal Arts in Times of War" lecture on various books on this subject. So the piece I'm writing will include (albeit subtly) some of these sentiments about war and the contending nations, and how it affects/will affect the rest of the world. I think I'm trying to portray a message of some sort with the juxtaposition of texts, but while it's a little blunt and short to explain point-blank a vision of what we as humans should do in life. So I'll have to use some of my musical creativity (whatever's there, anyway) to dramatize it as much as possible.

Turn WHERE now?

I kind of got interested in writing yet another addendum to the whole spirituality journey. As I've been saying (I think it says on my blog profile, anyway), I'm never at a destination, and I would record a little blurb every time I hit something new in the road. Not only does it kind of continue what I wrote ["http://n8daoggblog.blogspot.com/2007/09/turn-right-at-next-intersection.html"] a couple Fridays back when I went to the unofficial Catholic house, but also some kind of declaration I made almost a year ago ["http://n8daoggblog.blogspot.com/2006/10/my-choice-of-faith.html"] when I went to All Saints for the first time during junior year.

Although this has been far from recent news, I'm back to a denomination-less mindset of Christian self-practice, and I'm thinking there are several factors behind this choice. First off, this weekend I had a choir retreat and tour with Cantorei both Saturday and yesterday, which was absolutely amazing. Part of it is, I had virtually no expectations, as it is my first year in this particular choir. But at the same time I'm beginning to understand its mission---specifically to share God's love through its music and its Christian themes---and perhaps this experience will help me in determining how involved I should get with both theology and music. Also, as I gain more knowledge and spiritual realizations (through what I discover on my own, and through what God specifically reveals to me, respectively) I'm starting to look back on the previous stops in the journey and make sense of those various groups and myself at that particular juncture.

For instance, I feel like I'm not exactly at home with FCA anymore largely because their collective doctrine is too infected with some kind of political/jock mindset (where everything has to be black and white). At the same time, their lone strength---communal energy and joy---was exactly what I needed when I joined during freshman year. [Although it does help that many of the people I befriended at the time, while some were athletes, were Christians at heart, Christians first (whereas last year I felt like I was on the outside).] As I had previously gone through a period where I separated myself because of the confusion and utter lack of trust that I had in the church as an institution, I needed something simple, something to convince me to believe in God again. And the idea that I could have a relationship with him rather than just going to church every week opened me to new possibilities than I'd ever thought before. Not only that, but the idea that I was already forgiven because of Jesus dying for my sins and that I just needed to believe IN him to be "saved" was just what I needed because this simple command of faith would help me return, in some small way, to what I had been immersed in before.

Of course over the next couple years I would learn that there was much more than that. After all, if I were to have a relationship with God I needed to devote some time (and I've tried, with mixed results) and sort through all the theological implications over all aspects of life. As I gradually became exposed to more and more of the theological sphere I realized that there were a lot of things that humankind had put in (specifically anything that included politics) and it frustrated the crap out of me. I realized that I couldn't just be a bystander, as I very much was during my years before St. Olaf, and even during the first two years on the hill. I'm not sure what steered me back to the Episcopal church a year ago, especially since I was so tired and upset with how it was conducting itself back in Chicago during the first half of this decade. But somehow I was sick of wandering through the whole stripped-down side of Christianity as I was trying to decide where to land in this relatively new sect/area that had appealed to me for a short time.

I think a lot of this had to do with the people I was surrounded by in all those years. During HS, with the exception of a couple, all those close to my age that I actually felt were friends to me were those with whom I sang in the St. Luke's church choirs. Even as things were getting bad, I stayed for a short time because I didn't really want to separate myself from them. The case, in terms of friendships, was very similar when I joined FCA. During the first four months (spanning from January-May 2005) I made quite a few friends, combined from our church lock-in and trip to Lani Land on back-to-back weekends during Interim, and from the Arkansas mission trip a couple months later. But over the months and years since, people gradually moved away (either graduated or just plain stopped going), and when they did I found myself frustrated with their absences. As a result, perhaps some of my frustration carried over to how I listened or saw things at FCA (and also some of the other groups). I recall spending a couple posts last winter/spring critiquing some of the things various a couple speakers said, especially this one. ["http://n8daoggblog.blogspot.com/2007/02/misconstrued-connotations-of-power.html"] As I was saying, it could either be out of frustration of the lack of said friends I'd made, or it could be that since their presences may have covered parts of the group's mission that may have frustrated me I was suddenly exposed to those potential frustrations.

Last Sunday (i.e. not yesterday, but the week before that) I went to All Saints for the first time this year. I knew that with a new year there would be slightly different group of Oles who would choose that parish for their Sunday worship. Don't get me wrong, I still love the people there (i.e. clergy, townie parishioners and choir people), but I recall after church I spent the rest of the day feeling like a mess. And it was for probably the same reason that I got a little frustrated with FCA  and perhaps with TNBS as well, in that the absences of those that were here last year but have since moved on probably affected me somewhat. The good thing about the Saint Paul's Outreach is that since it's my first year being affiliated at all with them, I don't have to worry (right now, anyway) about missing anyone that was no longer there. But even as I will soon begin to explore the weird mysticism that is the Catholic faith [caveat: this does NOT mean I'm going to become a Catholic, so those of you who had any worries can exhale] this turn to their side is almost the latest, new way of hiding a possibility that I'm letting my attachments to specific individuals influence my journey. As a result, this series of acts run contrary to my goal, which is to let God influence my journey (and live in me while he's at it).

Yeah, I kind of didn't mean this to turn into a rant, but it had been on my mind for a few days. But at least this time, unlike previous years of rants, I can actually really say what I'm trying to say, instead of trying to tip-toe around stuff. I will say this, though, the readings and discussions from my Ethics of War class is helping me with my religio-spiritual identity. It's a heck of a lot of reading, but I'm really pushing myself to get the most out of it as I can. And I'm sure it will play some small part in my latest denominational wandering.

Turn right at the next intersection

So tonight I joined my friend Alan ["http://virmagnussum.blogspot.com/"] for dinner at the unofficial Catholic house (although I didn't know it until after I got there), and subsequently joined the St Paul's Outreach alias (similar to FCA, etc., but Catholic). Thus my spiritual/religious journey takes another turn. Scary.

I'm still involved with the Episcopalian Canterbury group, so it's probably not like I'm going to change that much (if I can convince myself I was Baptist for a couple months and return un-brainwashed, I know I will be fine). Besides, I see it as a chance to meet new people. Updates will come over the next several months.