One other truth is that oftentimes when I experience being convicted by the Spirit, it comes in droves. If you feel overwhelmed reading through all the convictions, rest assured that I'm overwhelmed too. My posting as such is my attempt to put it all down on paper and then begin going through them as I walk this next phase of my life out.
First, I will share Bible verses in bullet points: (all translations in New International Version, unless otherwise noted)
John 6:66: "From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."
A few verses earlier: John 6:63: "The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life."
For context, John 6:60-71: (Many Disciples Desert Jesus)
60 On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”
61 Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? 62 Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! 63 The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. 64 Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. 65 He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”
66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
67 “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”
70 Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” 71 (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)The key line that jumped out to me, in addition to the two I posted above, was from verse 61, Jesus' awareness that His disciples were grumbling about what he had just been teaching, and His response: "Does this offend you?" Today, I just watched on Facebook Live Pastor Bill's final sermon at Evanston Vineyard this past Sunday before he retired, and I've been connecting with Scripture, as evidenced by just a few of the convictions I've received. Last week, I wasn't -- and hadn't -- been reading the Bible at all, really not for awhile. At least not since the fast ended almost two months ago. It's still really difficult for me to want to make Bible reading a habit, and I imagine it will be for the rest of my life.
Another conviction: I heard a convicting sermon on the radio on Monday -- at least until I switched it off -- about God needing to discipline us, with the pastor using the reference of a dog being housebroken by the homeowner making the dog sniff its excrement until it realizes that it cannot simply go to the bathroom in the house and has to learn to be dependent on the owner to let it out so it can take care of its needs, rather than "ya gotta go when ya gotta go." The pastor even animated the dog's whining sound to punctuate his point, I presume which was that God "housebreaks" us in the same way. In my heart, I do not want to be pathetic like that dog. But instead of going on a rant about how offensive that image and comparison was to me, I'll reflect and see if there's something that I can grab onto in spite of that image.
Another conviction: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I got into talking about the "Me Too" movement. Our conversation was cordial and enlightening for the both of us (I believe). Even as we traded thoughts, I believe largely in agreement and understanding, one thing that jumped out to me was that each of us naturally took the position of our sex. Understandably her position focused more on the difficulty that victims of abuse -- both sexual and domestic violence -- have, not only in undergoing it but also in making the choice to come forward. Even though I've never been in that position, having experienced different forms of PTSD (which all abuse victims absolutely experience), I can understand both the long road to recovery, and the long road of recovery.
My position was about the difficulty of how to exact justice against the abuser. My primary question regarded the fairness of deciding that such a person can never earn an honest living again. My primary concern is and continues to be balancing proper justice for the abused, with allowing the abuser a chance to still have a life if he is truly repentant. For all the issues that many non-Christians and former church-goers rightly express about many Christian churches (and wrongly express about the Bible), one thing I have not found the world doing better than what is in Scripture is balancing justice with forgiveness. The world wants only justice, and makes no room for a person to be restored if he is truly repentant. And so on.
It dawned on me that I evidently tend to empathize with the abuser (maybe because in most cases it is a man; and I too am a man). There's more to think on, but I felt a great amount of sorrow after our time connecting wrapped up for the night. Sorrow for other things that came up that I'm not ready to describe. And also sorrow over re-discovering freshly my own stubborn desire for how I want my life to be and to go, and its incongruity with where not only the world (and more immediately our country) is now, but also where the Kingdom of Heaven is now, and God's plan for the universe at this stage in history. Sorrow that, despite my own heart cries, there are some things about my life that flat-out will not happen.
Another conviction: A sermon at my girlfriend's church this past Sunday focused on the question: "what is your preferred future?" followed by the challenging question: "what is God's preferred future?" and more to the point, "what is God's preferred future for your life?" (I don't think this was asked, but the final question I sensed was: "will you surrender your idea of your preferred future and let God have His preferred future, wholly and completely, in your life?") I didn't realize that some of the sorrow I described last paragraph was going to become pierced again after hearing this message. But it did.
Other Bible verses:
Joel 2:12-14: (Rend Your Heart)
12 “Even now,” declares the Lord,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
13 Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
14 Who knows? He may turn and relent
and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
for the Lord your God.
Joel 2:18-20: (God's Jealousy)
18 Then the Lord was jealous for his landThere is a devotional for each of the passages from the Book of Joel that have been sitting there, waiting for me to answer them. They're each still stinging me right now. I'll get to them eventually.
and took pity on his people.
19 The Lord replied to them:
“I am sending you grain, new wine and olive oil,
enough to satisfy you fully;
never again will I make you
an object of scorn to the nations.
20 “I will drive the northern horde far from you,
pushing it into a parched and barren land;
its eastern ranks will drown in the Dead Sea
and its western ranks in the Mediterranean Sea.
And its stench will go up;
its smell will rise.”
Surely he has done great things!
After such a long post, I feel I should at least try to have some sort of conclusion to wrap this up for now. But I don't. Not really, because the story is in the middle somewhere.