I was in high school when the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 happened. The attacks on the World Trade Center in New York particularly hit me hard, considering just a few years prior I went to school in Manhattan and got to visit the Twin Towers twice during my time there. Obviously, the day it happened was a big deal, as classes stopped for about an hour while we all gathered as a school to listen to ongoing radio reports and process together as a community what was unfolding. It wasn't until a few hours later that I finally got to see video of what happened, the time in between during which I was left to my imagination as to what exactly happened. I had seen movies come out in the 1990s like "Independence Day" and "Deep Impact," both films which depicted how their respective doomsday scenarios affected the Twin Towers, among other things. All those assumptions were overthrown. Also eerie was how, like in New York, the weather was a perfect balmy sunny day in the Chicago area.
In the intervening years, the impact of this day diminished with time. The one-year anniversary was still poignant, as I distinctly remember one class session (I think it was my US History class) where we devoted the entire time to processing the events, one year later. But after that, each anniversary became less significant to me. The first three times I returned to New York City, post-9/11, I made sure to spend time at Ground Zero. Until my first visit there, I still had this denial factor in my mind that, despite what everyone else was saying, 9/11 never really happened, and that the Towers would still be there, just like they were when I was still living in Manhattan. Nope. Each of the other visits, at least until I made two visits there to visit my ex who lived in a suburb north of the city, I made a point to spend time at the site, reflecting.
I feel blessed that I didn't lose anyone I knew that day. Neither did I know anyone - or know of anyone - who lost someone that day. But it was - and is - still a loss. Two years ago, I blogged about it, but even in doing so, it didn't feel all that fresh or poignant to me, but rather as a painful but distant memory that happened a long time ago. I think it was because the context in which I wrote about it was more about reflecting on what has happened since, on how our country has changed, and on how our world has changed. And it has changed a lot.
This year, it hit me harder than it has before. And I believe that it is due to the fact that, for the first time, I watched a bevy of YouTube videos all at once about it. But there is a greater context to it: how I let myself get sucked into it this year like I hadn't previously was that a series of videos that popped up in my YouTube video feed focused on the survivors, those who walked through the valley of the shadow of death and were led to safety and new life by the God of the Bible, whether or not they realized it.
I did eventually go to other videos afterwards that just focused on the horror and loss associated with the day. But in retrospect, I firmly believe that God used the first batch of YouTube videos to highlight to me precisely regarding something that I had been gnawing on in my prayer life. I don't have the exact words to describe it, but what I believe He was addressing was my incessant complaining about having to keep surviving trials and tribulations over and over and rarely (if not never) getting ahead. These videos weren't designed to shame me about how "these folks had it worse," even though they factually did. Rather, how I took was how each video - especially one in particular* - showed how such a mighty God, the God of the Bible - intervened in these folks' lives and saved them, despite grossly improbable circumstances.
*The one video in particular was a scenario where both the husband and the wife worked in the towers (the husband worked in the north tower, the wife worked in the south tower), and the wife was already a few months pregnant with their child. The odds were quite improbable that either of them - let alone both of them - would make it out alive. Not only did they and the unborn child all survive (and the child has grown to his current age), but the man and his wife were able to connect via cell phone after not too much time had passed. The video, told from the husband's perspective, went on to show how he was very grateful to God for preserving him and his family, and how, he felt he had a responsibility to live out of that gratitude by giving back. (I don't specifically recall how much he shared also about the responsibility of sharing the Gospel, but I get the impression that that is very much there, also.)
When I entered therapy in my mid-twenties, one of the first major things I learned was that survival was not a good thing. It was and is a necessary thing, of course, but I was there to get healing and to get better. (Which I did.) But the key thing is that it's one thing to be in "survival mode" while a trial or tribulation is occurring; it's quite another to remain in that same "survival mode" once it's over. As a key piece for my healing and growing-up process, I had to teach myself that remaining in "survival mode" (which at that time I had never exited) was wrong. In doing so, I suspect I learned to teach myself that having to be in "survival mode" was also bad.
Today, I'm in "survival mode" because my sweetie pie is. (Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15, NKJV) My supporting and comforting her - which I freely choose to do, repeatedly - has unintentionally led me to begin to hate those who have treated her wrongly. In my own flesh strength, the only other option I can see is to stop supporting and comforting her. Considering that I love her and am planning to marry her, that's not an option.
Neither is hating the individuals in question. (“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Matthew 5:21-22, NKJV) So, I have to find something else not only to cope but to figure out how to get through this season of life.
As a result I'm suspecting that I have to un-teach myself this component of this understanding. Trials and tribulations happen; naturally, we are going to be surviving these things, all while also trusting God.
Honestly, what makes a difference is the basics: spending time daily reading God's Word and meditating on it; spending time praying daily; and giving God praise, glory, and honor. I got away from the basics, somehow, yet again.