A couple weeks ago I posted an addendum to a sermon preached at my church titled "Seven Habits of a Strong Christian," to where I added an eighth point, which goes as follows:
Strong Christians are authentic.
I still hold this to be true. After all, if one doesn't know what they're feeling or reacting to, this can lead to self-deception. Not long after, such a person can be attempting to deceive others and not know it, and then proceed to get offended when called out on their nonsense (because, after all, what they claim they really believe to be true).
However, we have to pump the brakes on this a little bit.
While I'm all for "being real" (the vernacular for authenticity), this practice can go to the opposite extreme. In a previous life, I had two close friends who had no problem being real, but had real problems being selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. One might even say either or both of them were/are narcissistic. In my current life, there are (to varying degrees) three such persons who also fit this bill, one of whom I've butted heads with semi-regularly, one of whom thankfully has demonstrated just enough intelligence to not start anything with me, and the third who also remained quiet until recently.
Brief pause: as I continue to move through this post, my hope and prayer is that I demonstrate the right amount and degree of authenticity. I am going to "be real" about my experiences as much as they are pertinent to the points I wish to make. But I also don't want to turn into the type of person I just described in the previous paragraph. After all, God doesn't take very kindly to complainers:
Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “Take the rod; you and your brother Aaron gather the congregation together. Speak to the rock before their eyes, and it will yield its water; thus you shall bring water for them out of the rock, and give drink to the congregation and their animals.” So Moses took the rod from before the Lord as He commanded him. And Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly together before the rock; and he said to them, “Hear now, you rebels! Must we bring water for you out of this rock?” Then Moses lifted his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came out abundantly, and the congregation and their animals drank. Then the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not believe Me, to hallow Me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them.” Numbers 20:7-12, NKJV
Today, if you will hear His voice: “Do not harden your hearts, as in the rebellion, As in the day of trial in the wilderness, When your fathers tested Me; They tried Me, though they saw My work. For forty years I was grieved with that generation, And said, ‘It is a people who go astray in their hearts, And they do not know My ways.’ So I swore in My wrath, ‘They shall not enter My rest.’ ” Psalm 95:8-11, NKJV
For who, having heard, rebelled? Indeed, was it not all who came out of Egypt, led by Moses? Now with whom was He angry forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose corpses fell in the wilderness? And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest, but to those who did not obey? So we see that they could not enter in because of unbelief. Hebrews 3:16-19, NKJV
The last passage makes it clear that the reason is due to lack of faith. Generally complainers don't ever believe that the situation that they're crabbing about could ever be turned around for good. After all, "but God..." (and no, this is not the same as "but, God..."; that's complaining)
In short, I had a very brief texting conversation about a week or so ago with the aforementioned "third person" who is currently in my life. They wanted information and logistics about an upcoming event, which is still in the works. I provided whatever information I could, which wasn't much. The response I got in return was 1.) crabbing about the information I provided, specifically that it didn't work for them, and 2.) lecturing and blaming me regarding how things that were outside of my control that related to their earlier request didn't fit with their expectations. I shut down the conversation immediately and blocked the person. (My love had a similar type of text-conversation a month earlier, but she didn't shut it down; rather she just endured it.) A day or so later, one of my housemates who knows this person out of the blue tried to advocate for this person by saying that the individual "really cares but oftentimes doesn't know how to say it right." Neither my love nor I provided a response. We just said "ok" and changed the subject.
(The truth is, there are some things that people say that completely miss the mark to the point that there is no right way to say it. This was one of those situations, and the individual in question is one of "those" people. No amount of sweet words could cover up the vileness of this person's heart.)
My two friends from a previous season in life were both real but both selfish narcissists. I confronted one of them quite a few times (not sure why I didn't bother to confront the other) on how wrong some of the things they were saying was. The response I repeatedly received was either one of really not understanding it, or getting defensive. I've also had similar conversations with one of the other aforementioned "three friends" from my current life, and while these conversations have overall gone slightly better, it's clear that not much has changed. When my love and I marry and move out next month, we will be more than glad to put these three folks in the rearview mirror as well. After all:
Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Corinthians 15:33, NLT
So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29-30, NLT
In the end, proper authenticity requires humility... humility and wisdom. Be real and genuine about what you believe, but be humble about your position. Do not assume you know your audience. Although you are not responsible for what the other person's feelings or reactions are, I believe you bear responsibility if you speak injuring words needlessly. And when in doubt, don't say it. Pray for wisdom. Sometimes it is indeed better to keep your mouth shut if there is the possibility that your words might injure someone else or otherwise cause them harm. But if you are truly walking with God, He will give you insight as to whether to say it or not, and if so, how to say it.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5, NIV
I'll close this post by saying I know I still have a lot of work to do on this, myself. My years in therapy allowed me to find my freedom in speaking freely, for much of my life prior to that season was marked by my not speaking up out of an immense fear of saying the wrong thing and offending others. I still have a couple good men I call on the phone weekly, and we get real with each other about where our lives are each week. Especially over the last three years, I realize I've shared a lot of real experiences with my housemates, and I've had to learn how to dial it back. A few months ago, shortly after I'd gotten off the phone after one of these calls, I'd felt a prompting from the Lord to stop talking about my housemates. I'd like to say that I was obedient and I practiced obedience, but that hasn't been the case. I believe I did stop, for maybe a couple weeks, but then resumed speaking freely when the next incident occurred.
Where our strength stops, God's strength picks up. All we need to do is repent, return to Him, and ask His forgiveness. He stands ready to forgive those who are repentant.