A time for everything

I wasn't expecting it to go quite like this.

I think, though, that it's for the best. I've lived my life obsessing over details in an unhealthy way, making things fit in nice little boxes like I think they should, and trumpeting everything that seems important to me and yet inconsequential to just about everyone else.

I have a life. I believe it's worth it. I believe I'm worth it.

I met with a dear brother yesterday who helpfully cleared up many of the worries in my head relating to the two posts ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/10/letter-to-god-16-october-2012.html"] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/10/do-i-dare-say-no-to-lord-my-god.html"] this week. Although the prophecy I received last weekend was technically correct about my present state in life, it was a bit aggressive and led me to believe some things that were not good for my state of being. Ironically, I chatted with the good brother who prophesied, and from further conversation with him -- without even needing to broach the subject! -- I sensed that I needn't fear. We agreed that, with everything, God works in his own time. The pastor to whom I confessed my state of being last Sunday (I needed to clear up with him my shadowy response when he'd asked earlier how I was) reminded me that I needn't force anything. Let God be God. God is the author of all of our lives. The promise that I had been receiving lately will still stand. What promise? I won't be single my entire life. OK. I think I can handle that.

I'm seeing more of the little things that are becoming true in my life. I'm doing more things in my church, which consequently command me to discipline myself and manage my time. Instead of indulging myself with excessive internet use -- or other wasteful things -- spend it in prayer, Bible study, music composition and other positive uses of creativity. And so I shall. I choose to say "yes" to the Lord my God... in everything.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, New International Version ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ecclesiastes%203:1-8&version=NIV"]

In short, I feel like the Holy Spirit nudged me yesterday that it was finally time to step down from blogging. Doing so hasn't been as easy as I would have liked. I don't know that I have said all I've wanted to on here, but I also know that I don't need to. It's time to move on to different things, precisely what I was alluding to two paragraphs ago.

I just wanted to share one more thing, something that I found interesting, given what I've been processing lately: today's "Verse of the Day" on Biblegateway.com's homepage ["http://biblegateway.com/"] said this:

“Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” 

Psalm 37:4  King James Version

["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?version=KJV&search=Psalm%2037:4"] 

["http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/index.php?action=getVersionInfo&vid=9"] 

Amen!

For I know the plans I have for you

There are times when I'm reminded of God's great glory on this earth. And there are times I'm hit with the harsh reality that we still live in a fallen world. While on GooglePlus last night, I noticed a name I didn't recognize on the trends list. Curious, I explored further. To say I was not expecting what I saw is an understatement. Simply put, a 15-year-old girl committed suicide this week after at least a couple solid years of being bullied. Except, it wasn't just bullying; it was preying on complete naïveté and utter vulnerability: enticement, exposure, blackmail, and ultimately a perverse dedication to an innocent girl's destruction. Clearly, if anyone ever needed proof of Satan's existence, this was it.

 

I'm not sure what it is about this particular suicide that pushed me to write. I've come across numerous such stories on the internet over the years. But perhaps it's more about me in that this is the first time I've come across the such since I started counseling. In the last month it hit me that I was actually tortured, even if it was mostly emotionally and spiritually. I'm still trying to heal from that. A lot of my current struggles in life make a lot more sense now (for a long time I thought it a case of, "if I just got a chance, I know I would make good on it and accomplish something I wanted" -- I now know that it isn't as simple as that).

 

A reaction I had that particularly hit me was how underwhelmed I was by the response to this news. Granted, most of it decried bullying and talked about how we need to post and pass this info on. My reaction centered on the futility of such wasted energy. Merely posting about how bullying is bad won't work unless one takes more direct action to stop it. We're a desensitized society, unfortunately, thanks to all the violently graphic video games and news programs. Our attitude is now: "there's all this crap in the world; why bother appearing as hypocrites to our children by talking about how violence is wrong?"

 

We've gotten lazy; we tolerate bullying and other such wrong behaviors, and it isn't until someone dies that we wake up, albeit partially and just for a moment. If we care as much about bullying as we say we do, we need to do something about it! don't just talk about how it's wrong; find children that are at-risk and reach out to them! Anything less and you're actually part of the problem! "Oh, but it's all on the internet. We don't know how to stop that; we can't deal with it." That's a total load of crap. It's the lazy way out.

 

It was this story that made me realize I'm a survivor. I made it. Sure, I'm still going to have my ups and my downs (and sometimes each will be to the extreme). But because of Jesus Christ, I choose to live. No one who believes in and (more importantly) follows him is a loser. We're all winners, no matter our pasts.

 

It's too late for Amanda Todd, though. In a last-ditch effort ["http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej7afkypUsc"] just a few weeks ago, she pleaded for her life, begged for someone to come to her rescue. No one stepped up. She took her life on Wednesday ["http://www.vancouversun.com/technology/Bullied+teen+Amanda+Todd+took+life+Coroners+Service+confirms/7381793/story.html"]. I know that God desperately wanted to reach her. But he needed his creation's obedience, and we failed to come through.

 

For those who say there is no God in light of an event like this, I will say that not only does he exist, but, more to the point, he permits pain and suffering ["http://www.biblebelievers.com/jmelton/suffer.html"] because he's trying to tell us that something is wrong with the world and we need him. Knowing, accepting, and following Jesus as our Lord and Savior is our only way out. We are his creation, his valued possession, and he's working out his purpose to save as many of us as possible. Moreover, he gave us free will so that we might choose not just to experience the great love he has for us (John 3:16-17) [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%203:16-17&version=NLT"], but to also love him back. Love only really happens out of free will.

 

And for anyone out there reading this who is contemplating taking your own life, I have but this to offer: don't. You're worth it. You're more than worth it.

 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?version=NLT&search=Jeremiah%2029:11"] Jeremiah 29:11, New Living Translation

A stone from memory lane: my grandpa

Today my grandpa turns 90.

I have to confess, I'm not sure how to write this thing. I've never eulogized anyone I knew, only casually making references of gratitude (or otherwise) here and there. Of course, it's hard to eulogize someone who's still alive. But I'm going to try.

My grandpa (dad's dad) might have been my favorite grandparent growing up. During my years in Houston (ca. 3 months to just over 2 years of age) I got to see him a lot. Apparently, at the end of each workday when he would return home from work, I would leap into his arms and make him tell me everything about the world that I could see: the individual paintings in the living room of his house, the points of interest in the yard (probably trees and such), and the stop sign down at the corner. I insisted on this every day, and he happily obliged. As far as I'm concerned, he was good with kids.

If this were truly in the spirit of a eulogy, I'd stop there. But the older I got, the more I learned, the more complex my opinion became of the man. When I was a teenager, I learned that he was a hardcore Republican, and during my years flirting with liberalism the differences between him and me scared the shit out of me. I worked hard to make sure he didn't know what I was. I'm willing to bet I succeeded.

Then there are the stories of the type of man my grandpa was as a husband and father. All I'll share about that (because of the confidentiality factor) is that his actions and inactions played a role in shaping my life, the same life I'm working on decompressing and making sense of at the Baldwin Center.

I feel I have a lot of his anger, or at least the same desire to take rage-based action on anyone that angered me. (Then again, anger seems to run in plentiful areas around my family.) I also share some similar frustrations with technology. Mine are more indifferences; his are more outright anger and paranoia. Every time my dad visits him, they spend time together cleaning up his computer and re-learning how to use it.

Some months ago, my dad told me that grandpa wants to talk to me, to catch up. OK, intriguing. Then he told me that he was waiting for me to call and wouldn't take the initiative. OK, suspicious. Interesting how someone who "wants to talk to me" won't pick up the phone and call. After all, I'm sure Dad gave him my cell phone number. Sounds like grandpa doesn't really want to talk to me after all. I was busy back in the spring. Didn't have time or energy to do much besides the bare requirements (work, commute, worship band/choir commitments) and decompressing/sleeping.

This "memory stone" post is different from most of the rest in that it's not about a specific time in my life (this post covers many years' worth of experiences), but about a person. And I'm not sure how exactly my grandpa is a memory stone: he doesn't go to church, is probably an agnostic at best, and my experiences with him are mixed. But I've been thinking that I want to go to Texas at some point soon. I figure I'll skip the phone call and just fly to Houston on his dime (and perhaps also Dallas to see a friend there).

I suppose the fact that I still would want to see him means something. Perhaps, as an adult, spending one-on-one time with him might yield something new in our relationship that previous visits may not have. After all, he's still alive (and kicking). Otherwise, he wouldn't be celebrating his birthday today.

So, happy birthday, grandpa. Maybe I'll see you soon.

Romans 8, pt 3

In February I was inspired by a friend to read through Romans 8. I noted that the chapter was divided into three sections, the first two of which I posted not long after the inspiration (to refresh, you can read it here ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/02/romans-8-pts-1-and-2-expounded.html"]).

The first two sections are titled, according to the New International Version, as 1.) Life through the Spirit, and 2.) Present suffering and future glory. The first section essentially talks about the differences between "living in the flesh" and "living in the Spirit," or in other words, indulging in sinful human desires vs. living holy, surrendering all of our fears, defense mechanisms, sorrows, and hurt to Christ, allowing ourselves to be open to him even in the most scary places. As Paul writes at the beginning of the chapter, "...through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God [accomplished] by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering." We can't accomplish holiness on our own. Because of our flesh, we have (I'm dropping in some counseling terms) the Shadow -- defense mechanisms / survival patterns / coping mechanisms / desires to act out -- that constantly threatens and undermines our efforts. We need God. We need him to create an opening for us so that he could empower the Adult and nurture the Child (which he did by sacrificing his Son). And most importantly, we need to take that seemingly scary step and trust him that he will meet all our needs.

The second section talks about how our current suffering doesn't compare to the future glory that comes from knowing Christ. The same is true regardless of our present lots in life. Paul writes both: "But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ." (Philippians 3:7, NIV ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians%203:7&version=NIV"]) and, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18, NIV ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%208:18&version=NIV"]) God calls us to be patient and active in life. I want to grow up now, and I also want to have security without having to do too much for it. But I also know that I probably have a good 62 years left (assuming 90 years of life expectancy). Even if I don't live quite that long, I still have a lot of years left. That's a lot of years to continue to suffer and to consider earthly blessings a loss for the sake of knowing Christ. I gotta do something with that time.

So then, we reach the third section -- titled "More than conquerors (in Christ)" of Romans 8 (verses 31-39, NIV ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%208:31-39&version=NIV"]), which I will paste below:

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Just a quick note on that last part: sin breaks fellowship with God, but it doesn't sever the relationship. Think about a friend of yours who makes you really angry. You don't really want to talk to him or spend time with him right at that moment. Right? But, if you consider him to be a valuable friend, you don't just cut him off. You hold him accountable for his misdeed but you also let him know that the misdeed doesn't define him. To put this back into our passage from Romans, not even sin separates you from the love of God. It makes him angry, yes, because he loves you and expects better of you. But like you and your really valuable friend, he considers you special and precious and worth sacrificing for.

And because he loves you and considers you worth sacrificing for, through the one whom he sacrificed, he considers you more than conquerors, because the one whom he sacrificed is constantly interceding for us.

It helps on those hard days or hard weeks. But I know I need it, day in and day out. I need to know that God is bigger than all my stuff. Like I shared on Monday, I attacked some of the lies that were persisting and saw a large, threatening, engulfing blackness. And then I worshiped with a song about how great God is. As the song goes, blackness such as this tries to hide, but even it fears God. And if I am in God, then that darkness cannot overtake me.

I just need to make myself available for God, and allow myself to take some risks once in a while. I'm beginning to do that, and I am already seeing how it is helping. Learning how to trust is one of the biggest things I can do.

My friend Jason, who moved to L.A. in February ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/02/still-going.html"], returned to Chicago in July to visit. It ended up being a longer, more indefinite stay. He's back in California now. I drove him to the airport yesterday morning and saw him off. Fall arrived yesterday. I'd say he got out of here in time, off to a warmer land to continue being a conqueror in Christ. If I wanted to write more about the good he's done in my life, it would take a separate blog post. But with retirement coming on, I'll have to save it for a different medium of communication.

Off to the next bullet in my schedule.

A stone from memory lane: Spring 2004

[Alternate title: A stone from memory lane: Fall 2003, part 2] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-stone-from-memory-lane-fall-2003.html"]

You know, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the rest of my senior year in high school, besides the default answer: "God carried me." He's been carrying me my entire life because I never learned how to walk until recently. Of course, I've been afraid to try to talk, which I still am.

Like most (if not all) high schoolers, one of the top worries I had was trying to fit in. I had people I thought were cool and wanted to hang out with. But for whatever reason, I never seemed to be able to. Yes, there were challenges with my high school chums from school, but I particularly struggled with those from my year at my church. There was one incident in rehearsal where I stood next to a guy I thought I was cool with, and he told me to go away. We were 18!!! (or thereabouts) I thought we were past that crap. Apparently not.

I remember the Spring of 2004 specifically because of the youth group that a few adults started in the wake of my church's collapse, and I remember that because it was the first time I felt like I had a shot at fitting in with other high schoolers. Granted, they were all younger than I was (the eldest of the bunch was maybe 2 years younger), but for the first time in my life it didn't matter. I just didn't want to be alone in the world anymore. Thanks to Si, Ian (now Iain), Nick, Greta, Laurie, Seth, Alice, Ben, and several others, I wasn't. Aside from Bible/Biblical topic study, we had lots of fun. We played frisbee and other games. We went to what felt like a private evening service at the Seabury church at Northwestern. It was certainly an intimate setting, with just us and a small handful of college students worshiping and breaking bread together (almost literally: at communion time, we would line up in a half-circle and feed each other the bread and wine!). Before FCA, with seeing a vision of God learning to receive all the love that emanated around me, this experience at Seabury was the closest to God I ever felt I got. And after the service, we had dinner at the chaplain's house, where we were guaranteed at least another hour of fellowship. That four-hour span (at least) gave me something to look forward to each week. That was God carrying me.

When I graduated from high school, the woman that ran the youth group that spring pleaded with me to stay with the Episcopal church. I don't remember what I said at the time, but I indicated I would at least try. My experiences over the last eight years have since changed my mind, for reasons I've scattered all over the blog. But one thing I've had to learn is that church is not about socializing. You don't go to church merely to cling on to others. Sure, fellowship is indeed part of living the Christian Life, but it all starts with having a relationship with Jesus. If I put anyone in his place, my faith will not go very far.

I look at it now: the two exiles I endured did not occur by accident; they both had their purposes. The first exile (of which I am talking about now) happened because the thing I put in the place of God -- the church -- collapsed, and I needed to learn that even though a church can and should be a safe place, it doesn't take God's place. The second exile happened because I put a girl I'd liked in the Lord's place; I went to church because of her. When she graduated, it seemed as if everything came down. What I needed to learn then (and I still struggle with now, although improving) is that no one person -- whether a pastor, a choir director, or even just a friend -- can take His place.

In fact, it's not about "going to church" at all. It's about living that relationship with God and walking close with him; this is what the Christian life is about. At the end of every morning service at Evanston Vineyard, the pastor who delivers the sermon says: "Now, go out and be the church." It's not about Sunday, although it is a time (along with Bible study) to fill up on God's word; it's about the rest of the week, about what we do at home, in the workplace, in the streets, and at places we go for fun. It's about taking what we've learned and bringing it into the world. This is true regardless of what church or type of church I attend.

I'm slowly improving on that. There is a lot of fear and rebellion and stubbornness that still needs to be cut through. I'm at a point where I feel kind of stuck in life and all I can really pray and ask is: "God, your will be done." I know that he will be faithful to that, above all else.

A stone from memory lane: Fall 2003

Over the last ten-or-so years, I've had some seasons that have stuck out more than others. One example would be Winter/Spring 2005 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2006/01/retracing-some-steps.html"], when I rejoined the Christian faith after my first exile, had a vision of God, and went on a mission trip with St. Olaf Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) to rural Arkansas. God had seen the pain of the previous year and used this time to show me that it is possible to be loved -- unconditionally -- by other people besides my parents. Other such times were Fall of 2006 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/07/stone-from-memory-lane-god-sent.html"], Spring of 2007 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/05/stone-from-memory-lane-end-of-junior.html"], Winter of 2010, and so on.

To be fair, it wasn't merely Fall of 2003 that stuck out, but everything from approx. June 2003 to approx. June 2004. I say this because, based on how my brain worked, I memorized what day of the week most of these months started (July 1st started on a Tuesday, August 1st on a Friday, September on a Monday, October on a Wednesday, etc), and I memorized quite a few key dates, which I won't burden you with here.

Briefly, Spring 2004 was special because by this point I'd cut myself off from the church. I'd been a church boy all my life, so to stop attending church cold-turkey was shocking and painful for me. I'll share more in another post, but I wanted to mention it because the story does continue, as all stories do.

That spring, a few members of my ex-church had put together a youth group because the shit that was going on was affecting us high school kids. We needed God. We needed community. We needed hope. I suppose more accurately, I needed God, I needed community, and I needed hope. Even though I knew enough about God and Jesus and many of those stories, the Episcopal church simply didn't do enough to assist me in my walk. I didn't even know having a relationship with the Lord was possible!

So of course I would put my hope in the 2003 Chicago Cubs, that they would, in a sense, achieve salvation by winning the world series. And of course, I would put my hope in my church, which, by this time, I knew what was going on. And I really should have been more sheltered than I was. I didn't fully understand what it meant to put hope in something that was good for me, as opposed to something that wasn't. I knew, in a sense, that if I were to love God, and to put my hope in those that I loved, I would draw the connection. But I loved the Cubs and I loved the church, and it was in these things that I put my trust, not God (even though I thought I was!).

In many ways, the Fall of 2003 was a crowning high point of my life to date in many areas. I was connected with my fellow high school church members, and not just in church or in choir. I had a lot of pride in the choir, which had just come back from a tour to England which included singing some prestigious compositions at prestigious locations. I was feeling like I could start to break out of my shell and take some risks, like meeting a girl at a Halloween party and asking her out to a movie. I was satisfied musically, socially, and (what I thought to be) spiritually.

Almost a decade later, I see that it was an early move of God breaking old things in my life and steering me toward new things. My church had been struggling with corruption for years, nay, decades. During childhood it had been a safe haven for me because no other place was quite as safe. But He knew that it wasn't to be a place for me for long. Sin and evil would come out from under the shadows and rear its ugly head, ultimately taking down the institution from the inside out. But more importantly, I needed to leave a place where I was never going to understand having a relationship with the Most High. It's not that the Episcopal church didn't believe in it or teach it; it just wasn't a high enough priority, and because of it I wasn't steered towards it.

Five years ago, when I posted about my first church's downfall, ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2007/02/finally-truth-or-part-of-it-as-to-how-i.html"], it was only about the story: about what happened, who it affected, and something along the lines of God punishing the sinners for their unrepentant hearts. But it's about more than just that. The story continues; it didn't die when I left. Sometimes the church put itself in the place of the Almighty, consequently blocking one from knowing Him, and I know that He really doesn't like that. "You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God." (Luke 16:15; New King James Version) ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+16:15&version=NKJV"]

How ironic that a church is held accountable in a Gospel after which it was named! But, that Gospel passage also applies to me; I am not permitted to delight in the church's downfall. I am not above the law. I cannot hold myself in such an esteem that rivals the Heavenly Father. It's not about me; it cannot be about me. He got me out of that toxic place because he wanted me in a place where I can get to know him, him, personally. But I also know that he loves ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5:25&version=NKJV"] his Church (Ephesians 5:27, NKJV). So I must pray for its cleansing, for it to be restored to rightness in God's sight.

And perhaps it is time for me to completely let go of the bitterness. I've been able to let go of most of it, given the journey I've been on the last seven years. But although I have grown and healed in many ways, I still choose to not initiate contact with most Episcopalians from my former days. As God dictates, I will let go and move forward. St. Luke's Episcopal was my haven for many years, after all, even if that era didn't end well.

Re: politics: underneath, I've always been this way

I don't like politics. I've been there, done that, emotionally invested to the point of living angry, lived the lie of the war being against flesh and blood. I lived with a roommate after college who recognized the such as a lie but still often lived as if he believed it to be true. Store your treasures in heaven.

The whole series I did about "the night I officially became a liberal ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2005/04/night-i-officially-became-liberal.html"], conservative ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2009/06/night-i-officially-became-conservative.html"], moderate ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/11/night-i-officially-became-moderate.html"] was total crap. Each was based on a trigger (or multiple triggers), and as such I felt as if I were lumped along with the demographic in question, whether because I felt for them and a part of them, or because I was pronounced as such. I don't like being lumped in or labeled. It's stupid.

There's a Bible verse I quoted 4 years ago when Senators Barack Obama and John McCain were vying to replace the outgoing George W. Bush: "The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted." Psalm 46:6, King James Version ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2046:6&version=KJV"]. Translation: it's just an election. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter who wins. Yes, it affects the direction the country may take over the next four years, but that's about it.

Yes, except the US has been in a slow downward spiral for a while, and it has nothing to do with either party. The only real differences between Republicans and Democrats is how they like to run things. OK, so pick a system already! Except the federal government is so dysfunctional that they can't do anything. Even if such a government had all Republicans or all Democrats... yikes. What a bunch of nothing. And it's only worse when you have both parties represented.

My great idea is to dissolve both parties. If I were ever elected president, that might be one of my first moves in office. It might be my only move in office. Screw everything, whatever the country's current problems may be -- an unpopular war, a terrible economy -- we've all been there before. I'm hitting the reset button in a way almost no one will like (including those that say they like it but secretly hope it'll never happen), but in a way that effectively cleans house, just like the God of Abraham and his descendants in the Old Testament.

So I'm not at all excited for this election. I don't like Obama, and I don't like Republican candidate Mitt Romney. My anti-Obama argument goes something like this: "are we better off than we were 4 years ago?" Only thing is, I could have asked that same question 4 years ago, and 8 years ago, and... well, you get the point. But, no; Obama threw a lot of money at a housing crisis from the Bush era and it didn't make the problem any better. I just lost a lot of money in the gamble (at least, that's what many Americans are saying). That, and ObamaCare ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/06/obamacare-upheld.html"]. My anti-Romney argument is much simpler: he's a Mormon. I'm a Christian first, and an American second (at best). I don't care that Romney thinks he's going to fix the economy. He's a Mormon. I have my priorities in order.

I want someone who's not going to spew crap and lie. If I have to, I'll write Ron Paul on the ballot. I don't necessarily agree with everything he stands for (although I'm sure I agree with a lot he stands for), but at least he's honest. Even if he doesn't get everything right, he seems to have a good sense of priorities.

As I wrote ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/07/inconvenient-truth-americas-236th.html"] a short while back, this country is screwed. Most people are going to blame "the other party," and perhaps they're somewhat right. But no one ever looks in the mirror anymore. No one looks at their own crap, at their own issues, and sees what's beneath the anger.

For me, the issue is primarily what's in the person's heart. I was listening on Moody Bible Radio and listening to a pastor, whilst on the topic of wayward people, start talking about liberals. Now, I don't think I would disagree with him, but I was triggered because it sounded like he was targeting them for more than mere commentary. I switched the radio off right at that point because of the charged nature the sermon was taking on. I have problems with people targeting demographics and blaming them when the real issue is tied more to human nature than anything. It's not a conservative thing. It's not a liberal thing. It's a human thing.

Underneath, I've always been this way. My voyages across parts of the political spectrum were almost always triggered by events that affected me personally (I think this is true for a lot of people, their beliefs often shaped by such things), and whatever motivation I had was to look out for what's best for me. I don't think that will ever change.

Flying

Last night I dreamed I was flying. I didn't know how to at first, but once I started flapping my arms I was able to stay afloat. [I at first didn't believe that flapping my arms would work, but given that there were predatory animals below me, I was willing to try anything.] What I also specifically noticed about flapping my arms was that it would cause me to "turn" upward, and I consequently learned that if I wanted to turn left or right, I had to "turn" my body in that direction, and then the new "upward" turn would coincide with that direction. In a sense, it felt a lot like flying a military plane, except that I was that plane, and using my own body.

It was really cool. I've never had a flying dream before in my life that I know of, and I went to dreammoods.com ["http://dreammoods.com/"] to inquire about a possible interpretation. It says here ["http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/flyingdreams.pl?method=exact&header=dreamid&search=flyingintro"] that I have a sense of being on top of my situation. Given that I am now newly unemployed, that's a good thing. I'm going to need it.

I believe that the whole prophecy of God catching and holding me securely is still very much in force. It's not about location, relationships, career, or timeline. It's not about these little things. It's about what God's seeing in the next chapter or so of my life. Let's get to it!

Reflections on Jared Fisher*, pt 2: sticking to my guns

[*pseudonym; name changed for the purpose of protection]

During my year with AmeriCorps, the school where I served worked furiously to change Jared's behavior. They tried several tactics and program changes to get through to him, with each new plan more aggressive than the previous. One change that sticks out to me to this day was designed to get around his method of negotiation with adults as a way of doing what he wanted and not doing what he was told. While he was negotiating, his behavior wasn't too bad, and he seemed to get along with the other kids reasonably well (for him). I say "reasonably well" because after they made a change to focus on his negotiations, his level of outbursts skyrocketed. Instead of negotiating, he fought. He had a worse time trying -- and failing -- to get along with others, and as a result he was often secluded in another room and put on his own schedule, separate from everyone else. That was his life the rest of the school year.

I could never have shared Jared's story three years ago. I certainly could never do so using his real name. I don't think I could talk about this were my blog not set on "invite-only." And, I wouldn't be writing about it at all unless it served a specific purpose. This year I have essentially been going through a similar series of changes, and I am at a point where I have to pick a program for my next step in healing, my version of getting rid of the "negotiating" that my Shadow tries to do with my Adult (and with other people).

Months ago I decided that, at the risk of taking a step backward, I need to go through a complete, down-to-the-core healing approach. Joining the Evanston Vineyard and returning to the Christian faith was a good first step. Going to the Baldwin Center on a regular basis has been a great second step. But I constantly have to gauge whether (and when) I am ready to try and do things on my own, to decide how my life is going to go. Am I ready to move out on my own, in this case to the middle of nowhere, and "grow up" by trying to figure things out myself?

Not yet.

I'm not ready to move out on my own. I'm not ready to date or experience intimacy. I'm not ready to decide my destiny.

I still have the strongholds that I set up long ago. I remember when I set off on my big trip ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/09/credits-and-emotions.html"] at the end of the 2010 summer season, I had a lot of confidence in approaching strangers and having discussions with people who triggered me, but it was all on my own strength, from that Shadow place, if you will. The events that happened in my life that week exposed all of the fakery in me.

My primary motivation for moving to Batavia this year was to get away from the crap (small as it is) at my church. What "crap," you ask? My struggles with wanting to connect with various people in certain ways, and this sometimes-hopeless feeling of perceived or expected rejection of the such. And in realizing all this, the only real answer has been to just sit with it and let God take care of it. Running away means more of the same problems with new people in new places. A change of scenery alone won't alter the fabric of my life, nor will it shape how I "do" life differently.

I sat down and did the math to figure out what kind of monetary compensation it would take to get me to commit to a move. It was substantially higher than what I did earn, and, not surprisingly, my company wouldn't meet my asking price. I decided I wasn't going to accept anything less than my request, and I wasn't going to feel guilty for it. So I am grow-ing up.

There was no wrong decision regarding the choice to move or to stay put. It was never about that particular decision. It was more about me finding where my guns were and sticking to them. I did it with my employer, I'm doing it with my healing, and I know I will be called to do it again in different situations.

[Edit: Besides, their "final" offer didn't even come close. I'm sure God had a hand in making my decision easy.]

On story-writing

 “What kind of stories am I writing?!?” Bart yelled.

“What do you mean?” Sam inquired.

“Basketball… running away… desires… rejected love… armageddon… I’m in a rut!”

“They say to write what you know…”

“Yeah, and ‘what I know’ says a lot about my life… it’s crap. I have these dreams and desires and either they get fulfilled or they don’t. I’m sick of writing about my life.”

“Well, Bart, what would you do if you weren’t writing about your life?”

Bart paused. He hadn’t thought of that before. Every story he’d written had deep elements of his life embedded all over: a story about an imaginary cat who became anthropomorphic and joined a secret club with his best friend, a story about World War III descending on the United States and many a daring soul fleeing the border, a story about a basketball player having tensions in his professional life and his personal life, a story series about distance, unsaid words, said words, and unhappy and lacking resolutions… each story managed to escape reality just enough to be technically different, but still tethered to this world. Each story was about relationship with other people. That’s all Bart ever really knew, or desired to know.

Bart sighed. “I don’t know, Sam. I just don’t know.”

_____________________________________________________________

“Woo-hoo!” six-year-old Calvin screamed with excitement as he hopped off the school bus outside his house at the end of a school. “I’m free! Free to do whatever I want! No responsibilities! Just the rest of the day to myself! Wheeeeee….”

Hobbes leapt onto Calvin as soon as he opened the door. Calvin’s excitement turned to shock and anger as his best friend grabbed him, knocked all the books out of his hand, and plunged him into the dirt in the front yard as they began tussling and turning.

“Get OFF me, you lunatic!” Calvin yelled while punching Hobbes in the back.

“Why don’t you MAKE me?!” Hobbes retorted while he flipped Calvin to his front side.

Calvin managed to get a hit on Hobbes’ jaw. Hobbes, of course, hit him back in the chest in return. By this point, the two friends and momentary enemies were exhausted from fighting and grabbing each other that they’d let go and rested on the ground.

“Calvin!” his mom came out the front door. “Why do you do this every day? I’m sick and tired of having your clothes getting dirty, day after day after day!”

“It’s not me, mom! It’s Hobbes’ fault!” Calvin tried to argue.

“I’m not taking this anymore! You need to take responsibility for your clothes! Get in the house, put your clothes in the wash, and you can stay in your room until dinnertime, mister!”

“But, mommmmm!”

“No ‘buts’! Get going!”

Calvin groaned in frustration as he picked up Hobbes, his stuffed tiger, and stomped into the house.

_____________________________________________________________

“No,” Sam cut in.

“What?!?” Bart responded.

“You know what I’m going to say.”

“Actually, no, I don’t…”

“You can’t just write a story with someone else’s characters. They’re copyrighted. And besides, Bill Watterson has used that storyline many, many times. You gotta think of something else.”

Bart slumped in his chair.

“Try again,” Sam ordered. “I know you can do it. Think of something that’s never happened, or is not likely to happen, and write about that.”

_____________________________________________________________

The count was 0-and-2. Anthony Rizzo stepped back in to the batter’s box against Neftali Feliz. It was the bottom of the eighth inning, with the Chicago Cubs down by a run, and a runner on third base. The date was Saturday, October 22nd, 2016. The time was 9:41 PM. The place was Cubs Stadium, just completed earlier in the year in its new location, the Near Northwest Side in Chicago. Cubs president Theo Epstein was proudly observing what was expected to be the crowning moment of his overhaul project that was five years in the making. He looked over to owner Tom Ricketts and General Manager Jed Hoyer and said, “This is it. We’re gonna win this tonight.”

Rizzo hit a double into left-center field, scoring Darwin Barney, the baserunner on third. After him was Albert Almora, the number 5 hitter and the young outfield phenom who’d been called up to the big leagues just that year, in late-July. Almora worked the count full, and smacked a single into right field. Rizzo was waved around third and beat the throw home. The Cubs Stadium crowd went wild. Their team now led by a score of 4 runs to 3.

The crowd became louder as the game went to the top of the ninth. Cubs pitcher James Russell finished his warmup tosses and anticipated the heart of the Tampa Bay Rays’ order. With each pitch, the crowd continued to increase in volume in excitement. With each decisive pitch, the anticipation of such an elusive victory increased, as well as the competitive tension that always comes along for the ride. Will a hero or a goat emerge? Who will it be?

It was two out, and two runners on. Evan Longoria came up to the plate. Russell fired the first pitch. Longoria looked. It was a ball. The second pitch, a hanging curve, met Longoria’s bat on the way to a sharp line drive – into the stands a few feet outside the foul pole. The crowd was getting nervous. Were we going to choke? Was this to be the culmination of Epstein’s five-year reconstruction project: a last-second collapse? Wrigley Field was dead. It had collapsed, two offseasons prior, on a windy day that set wind-speed and destruction records for the city of Chicago. The upper deck on the third base side had fallen into an irrecoverable heap, made largely possible by the mayor’s and governor’s steadfast refusal to rehabilitate the old park. Would Wrigley’s ghosts continue anew at the new Cubs Stadium?

No. James Russell snared a sharp line-drive by Longoria for the final out. Final score: Cubs 4, Rays 3. The rest of the team came out of the dugout and formed a pile near the mound. The fans celebrated wildly. The long wait was over. They’d done it: the Chicago Cubs had finally…

_____________________________________________________________

“No,” Sam interrupted.

“Come on! Seriously!?” Bart interjected.

“If you’re going to talk about things from real life, make it realistic.”

“You told me to think of something that’s never happened!”

“I’m not talking about the Cubs winning the World Series. I’m talking about the Cubs moving out of Wrigley Field. ‘Cubs Stadium’? Really?!?”

Bart groaned.

“If you want to talk about real life, make it realistic. Don’t… like, talk about Secretariat and put him in a world with Charlie and the other unicorns. That’s just lazy writing.”

_____________________________________________________________

It was Friday night, and that meant dinner and guitar night at Thomas and Jim’s. Nathan and Dan had made a trip to the store to pick up some ingredients, and they brought their guitars over for later. It all started in the kitchen, as the four brothers, plus Phil and Tim, banded together to make a simple dinner over a deep, spiritual conversation.

_____________________________________________________________

“I’m sorry. I just don’t have the energy for this,” Bart moaned.

“OK. Just remember, you don’t have to force yourself,” Sam reassured. “Even the greatest authors didn’t write their whole stories in one day.”

“It’s just tough. I don’t think I have the ability to focus on adventure or an actual moral for a long enough time. I can be creative, but without boundaries – and the only boundaries I know are whatever is true in my life – I can’t make something out of nothing. I just can’t.”

Sam paused. “Maybe, Bart, you’re just not cut out for writing. … I mean, I’m not saying your stories or your writing is bad. But I think your creativity is in a different place. To be an effective writer, an effective storyteller, yes you need creativity, but it needs to be focused enough in such a monochromatic space. Words are just one dimension. Pictures are another, and music another. And so on. … I’ve seen your other work. I think you work better when you combine multiple media.”

“Maybe…” Bart pondered, “but there’s so much unresolved in the stories I have… what’s going to happen to Nick once he picks his new team? Is the rest of his life going to magically come together? … What about Thomas? Does he ever figure it out, or is he going to be stuck in his crap forever? … What about Kristen, for that matter? … And Maggie? ... And what happens with Bosendorfer? Does he ever come back?”

“That’s the problem with stories that follow real life, Bart,” Sam interjected. “They don’t have endings. There’s a new chapter being written each and every day, whether you like it or not…”

“…There are days that people remember for the rest of their lives, and…” Bart interrupted.

“…There are days like today,” Sam interrupted back. “I know we’re not gonna remember this day. And we don’t need to.”

A stone from memory lane: beginning of college

I came across a comic strip called “Jim’s Journal” ["http://www.gocomics.com/jimsjournal"] on comics.com today. It’s not all that funny (there were a few strips that made me chuckle); it’s more of a non-sequitur story that is better appreciated over the long run. It’s essentially what the title says: a daily journal of a young schmoe who finishes high school, enters college, and is seemingly content with doing nothing.

This strip reminds me of two topics in my life: firstly, it reminds me of back when I was transitioning from high school to college. There are movies, TV shows, books, and other forms of media that hype this transition. "Going to college is such a big thing! You’re done with childhood, and you’re finally an adult!" …well, sort of. Truth be told, I’m not entirely sure what all the fanfare goes into this “rite of passage:” packing, loading the car, saying goodbye to your folks, moving into your dorm room, and then settling with a whole host of brand-new people in your community.

The so-called “rite of passage” didn’t feel like anything when I made the transition. I’m in college. Big whoop. The biggest thing for me was re-living what I’d already gone through when I moved to New York to start the fifth grade. I still remember the first day after Mom and Kate moved my stuff into my room in Kittelsby Hall and then left. It was sort of like St. Thomas but sort of not. I was on my own again, but this time the schedule was a lot more relaxed (I actually got to decide how to spend my time!), and the school was co-ed (St. Thomas is not).

That’s about it, though. The entire first semester had a true sense of a fresh start. It would be wrong for me to say I tired of everyone back in Chicago, but I had long been ready to turn the page on that chapter. I wasn’t going to get closer or deeper with anyone than I already was. I wasn’t going to break out of my shell, and certain things weren’t going to happen the way I wanted them to. I had maxxed out whatever potential I was going to max out. Going to college, while fresh, exciting, and scary, gave me that chance to not have to think about anything, or deal with anything. I could enjoy the fact that for a short while, no one knew me, and therefore not think of me as low as I was sure everyone else from the previous chapter had. It truly was a clean slate.

Secondly, the strip took me back to the days when I was content to just do nothing and be nothing. Because of all the negative experiences in school growing up (there were a lot of positive experiences, too, but I’d shut them out, thanks to the “throwing out the baby with the bathwater” mentality), my happiest place was at home, alone, inside my own head (OK, check that: hanging out with Chris). I didn’t have to deal with trying to protect myself on a constant basis from both things that were indeed bad for me as well as things I’d wrongly perceived as bad. I loved weekends, breaks, and summer vacations because it meant I didn’t have to do anything. I had all the time in the world to myself, and doggone it, I owned it!

Sometime during college, that changed. Even though I didn’t – couldn’t – fully understand what it was, there was a deep desire for something greater than what I was experiencing. I wanted to hang out, be social, get to really know people. And with a plethora of folks my age (give or take 2-3 years), college was a prime example. All my peers were the most mature of that I’d seen to date.

It’s been a slow and painstaking climb out of that place of wanting absolutely nothing with the world. I currently have a busy life, and in spite of the fatigue I battle more often than not, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m living! But every time I see a strip like “Jim’s Journal,” I am reminded of where I came from. It’s so easy to slip right back, if the right trigger (or series thereof) came along.

On syncretism and proselytizing

A few weeks ago I received this ["http://view.lists.biblegateway.com/?j=fe5816787c6001757416&m=fe621570756203757117&ls=fdbf1572766d0375731771756c&l=fe4b15777d630d7f7c1d&s=fe2e117675610278771070&jb=ffcf14&ju=fe2817737167037e711d73&cm_mmc=ExactTarget-_--_--_-View+as+a+Web+Page&r=0"] in my email from Biblegateway.com [I signed up for daily emails titled “Standing Strong Through the Storm”]. For those of you who have known me a while, you know that for a long time I'd had a pro-interfaith/buffet-style view on religion. A few years back I read a book by AJ Jacobs where he spent a year following the Bible as literally as possible, and except for the fact that at the end of that year he remained an agnostic, I came to essentially the same conclusions ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2009/11/if-i-ever-write-book.html"] he did. The Bible had truth in it, but there were a lot of problems. Christians are too rigid. They don’t understand people’s problems and all they do is call it “sin” and condemn them. … stuff like that (I haven’t read the book in over two years, so I don’t recall exactly Jacobs’ conclusions; I just remember agreeing with them for the most part).

Case in point regarding my old views: about four years ago I was staying with a few friends in Minneapolis while looking for work after I finished college when I sat in on a religious discussion. One friend had commented that the Bible explains things the way they really are, while the other interjected and said: “can we agree that that is not a true statement?” At the time I agreed with the second friend, because I could see no reason why it would be true.

If I could share all what God has done ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/search/label/Vineyard"] for me and in me over the last two years (and is still doing for and in me), all the personal expositions and revelations, I could not only point out that interfaith/buffet-style viewpoint is crap, but also paint what I feel is a pretty accurate picture of why. There is a reason everything that is in the Bible is true, and a reason why things not in the Bible aren’t.

Syncretism, as I’m reading the devotional from my email, is one of the most deceptive tools the enemy can use. Sure, “all religions lead to God” sounds like a good, happy argument. After all, the important thing is we all get along and there will be no more war, poverty, etc. It also gives birth to the lie that the Bible is the cause of all these wars.

What AJ Jacobs and other syncretists fail to understand is that Christianity, while a religion in form, is a relationship in essence. There is no relationship between man and God in Judaism, nor in Islam (the emphasis is the law for both, as I understand it). There is no real God in Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, nor any of the other eastern religions; there is only discipline. And grace is certainly a foreign concept in all of these religions.

[Also around four years ago I blogged about Hafiz ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-spiritual-journey-search-for-truth.html"] and some of his writings ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2008/05/im-still-wayfarer.html"] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2008/07/another-frontier-in-world-of-self.html"] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2008/10/moment-of-duh.html"] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2009/04/2009-lenten-devo-3.html"]. Certainly this author was on the right track when it concerned relationship and a return to God’s presence. But there was no mention of salvation or grace or proof of God’s love.]

Syncretism emphasizes not relationship between man and God, but instead enlightenment, which at its core is a reaching of truth that is of man’s spirit and not God’s. To wit: the idea that desire is the root of all discontent is certainly true in that immediate context, but not all desire is bad. The “enlightenment” that suggests all desires are bad often leaves one lacking, and certainly leads one to not be who he or she was created to be. Now, some desires certainly are bad, but it is perfectly ok to seek something; you can ask God for something, and if he wills it you will get it. Sometimes he wills that you don’t get it, but only because he will give you something that’s better for you. Again, this is part of the relationship; like an all-knowing parent who knows what’s best for his children, God knows what’s best for each and every one of us. We as human beings were created to desire, but we were also created to desire something(s) specific, and ultimately we were created to be in relationship with God, and with each other.

Proselytizing, by definition, means to convert or to recruit, or to attempt to do so. For example, universities whose athletic programs compete in the NCAA's Division I will proselytize the best athletes from the best high schools for their programs. And the US Military will send representatives of its different branches (Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, etc) to high schools and colleges to proselytize students who might be interested in serving their country. Proselytizing is not necessarily a bad thing. It does not nor should it entail using force to convert or recruit, which I sense many people tend to think. Last I checked, we live in a world (at least a country) of free choice and free will, which means that anyone can turn down recruitment offers for any reason. Even Jesus says, "Let anyone with ears listen!" He doesn't say: "Believe, or die!" or "Believe, or you're going to hell!" There is no force or manipulation involved. Proselytizing simply refers to appealing or selling a product or idea to someone. Heck, salesmen and -women proselytize all the time.

So, now that we have diffused the lie that automatically associates proselytizing with force or manipulation (one final time: the two are not connected), we can move on to specifically Christian proselytizing. The email I received mentioned a mass interfaith group meet at the Vatican. Among the reported 10,000 present were the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and the Muslim Imam. It is said that there was a unilateral and universal condemnation of "aggressive proselytizing," which I'm sure would involve street ministry, specifically healing prayer, prophecy, and a general blessing (I've been involved in these on occasion). If such condemnation becomes law, it would be illegal to share the Good News, the Gospel of Christ.

Given that there is healing in Christ Jesus ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+4:23&version=NIV"] ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+9:35&version=NIV"] ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts%2010:37-38&version=NIV"] (this is the aforementioned "Good News": Jesus actually heals people from all sorts of things, illnesses, injuries, deformations, even mental and emotional ailments), a syncretist view essentially condemns one from having the opportunity to be healed! This is precisely the devil's tactic! He wants people to think that this world and life in this world is as good as it's going to get, because this is his domain! [Remember, Earth is "enemy-occupied territory." For you non-believers, we still have war, poverty, famine, pestilence, genocide. We can call that proof.]

Christian proselytizing is meant to free people from a life without God (in which they think they are alone), and it is meant to free them from the idea that they are their own gods! We were born to be in relationship with God, and not in relationship with ourselves! Trust me, one who reaches "enlightenment" on his own is only kidding himself! I've had some breakthroughs over the years myself, some "enlightenments" (see Hafiz), and what have these realizations gotten me? Nowhere! It doesn't mean a thing unless I take risks in life, and oftentimes those risks involve things out of my control to go my way! Is it luck? Is it coincidence? No! It's God, freely giving me grace and blessing!

One last thing, concerning the whole "threat" of going to hell: the only ones who go to hell are those that choose. My question to you is: what do you choose? Really think about it.