[*pseudonym; name changed for the purpose of protection]
During my year with AmeriCorps, the school where I served worked furiously to change Jared's behavior. They tried several tactics and program changes to get through to him, with each new plan more aggressive than the previous. One change that sticks out to me to this day was designed to get around his method of negotiation with adults as a way of doing what he wanted and not doing what he was told. While he was negotiating, his behavior wasn't too bad, and he seemed to get along with the other kids reasonably well (for him). I say "reasonably well" because after they made a change to focus on his negotiations, his level of outbursts skyrocketed. Instead of negotiating, he fought. He had a worse time trying -- and failing -- to get along with others, and as a result he was often secluded in another room and put on his own schedule, separate from everyone else. That was his life the rest of the school year.
I could never have shared Jared's story three years ago. I certainly could never do so using his real name. I don't think I could talk about this were my blog not set on "invite-only." And, I wouldn't be writing about it at all unless it served a specific purpose. This year I have essentially been going through a similar series of changes, and I am at a point where I have to pick a program for my next step in healing, my version of getting rid of the "negotiating" that my Shadow tries to do with my Adult (and with other people).
Months ago I decided that, at the risk of taking a step backward, I need to go through a complete, down-to-the-core healing approach. Joining the Evanston Vineyard and returning to the Christian faith was a good first step. Going to the Baldwin Center on a regular basis has been a great second step. But I constantly have to gauge whether (and when) I am ready to try and do things on my own, to decide how my life is going to go. Am I ready to move out on my own, in this case to the middle of nowhere, and "grow up" by trying to figure things out myself?
Not yet.
I'm not ready to move out on my own. I'm not ready to date or experience intimacy. I'm not ready to decide my destiny.
I still have the strongholds that I set up long ago. I remember when I set off on my big trip ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/09/credits-and-emotions.html"] at the end of the 2010 summer season, I had a lot of confidence in approaching strangers and having discussions with people who triggered me, but it was all on my own strength, from that Shadow place, if you will. The events that happened in my life that week exposed all of the fakery in me.
My primary motivation for moving to Batavia this year was to get away from the crap (small as it is) at my church. What "crap," you ask? My struggles with wanting to connect with various people in certain ways, and this sometimes-hopeless feeling of perceived or expected rejection of the such. And in realizing all this, the only real answer has been to just sit with it and let God take care of it. Running away means more of the same problems with new people in new places. A change of scenery alone won't alter the fabric of my life, nor will it shape how I "do" life differently.
I sat down and did the math to figure out what kind of monetary compensation it would take to get me to commit to a move. It was substantially higher than what I did earn, and, not surprisingly, my company wouldn't meet my asking price. I decided I wasn't going to accept anything less than my request, and I wasn't going to feel guilty for it. So I am grow-ing up.
There was no wrong decision regarding the choice to move or to stay put. It was never about that particular decision. It was more about me finding where my guns were and sticking to them. I did it with my employer, I'm doing it with my healing, and I know I will be called to do it again in different situations.
[Edit: Besides, their "final" offer didn't even come close. I'm sure God had a hand in making my decision easy.]
No comments:
Post a Comment