THIS is my latest composition...

For a brief shining moment tonight--and this was sometime soon after I'd gone into the computer lab in the music building to work on my 20th century fugue--I started pondering new pieces to write for various instrumentations that covered instruments my friends played, so that they could be performed at my upcoming senior composition recital sometime during the upcoming school year. It has been kind of a rarity because I've been focused primarily on my writings for my counterpoint class, as well as my job as a tour guide this past week and reflecting on my life to date (really, is there a time I don't reflect?). So while I've been learning quite a bit in my class and writing project works to demonstrate said understanding, I feel like all of my actual energy has been used for it. Not that it's a bad thing, but I know I'm fully capable of expanding it to multiple areas all at once (see last semester: GPA-wise it was my best semester at Olaf).

I haven't really been feeling all that composerly lately. Outside of class projects, I finished writing a choral piece that I started back in March or April and entered the choir part into Finale, and barely started kind of a rock piano song (quasi-Ben Folds style, but doing my best to not imitate it). That brief shining moment that I mentioned at the beginning was really the first time since about May 22nd that I felt excited about composing and had some sort of half-assed inspiration within me. Part of it could be thinking ahead to my comp recital and trying to decide what pieces (both already written and yet to be written) will go on the program (max. 40 minutes). But since then I have returned to my room and checked my email (and ESPN.com news) for the almost-umpteenth time, and through as much quasi-reading as I can muster I haven't been able to put together a coherent idea.

This is not the first time I've undergone a compositional drought. I spent much of the year 2004 wallowing in a dearth of inspiration and motivation, probably because at that time I was fresh off losing my church, and--really--my social and spiritual center. An odd thing that happened during that time was I "composed" a piece early on in the year where I copied and pasted bits and fragments of damn near every actual piece I'd written up to that point. There was absolutely no form to it; it was all transposed to one key (more or less) and in some cases dramatized to show the overflow of musical emotion found mostly in Romantic-era or Neoromantic-era pieces.

I'm not sure what my coming-and-going excitement for my comp recital will inspire. I know of several friends who will want to play something in it, so it will be a bit easier for me to write something for them (if I don't already have a piece suiting this particular purpose). But I feel I've hit yet another dangerous crossroads, one where, if I decide/realize theology or religion is where my heart is, I may have to risk a difficult process for crossing over into yet another field where I did not have too much experience in the recent past.

This is not to say I feel like doing the music major was a waste. In fact I'd argue the opposite, in that I finally received some thorough education as to what to consider when composing, as well as basically going through the experience of having hands-on criticism of a piece both in progress and in its completed state. But at the same time it bugs me that I have to keep changing directions to find out what I want to do in, and get out of, life.

I have a meeting with my counterpoint professor tomorrow right after class, in which will be his first look-through the beginnings of my 20th century fugue. Unfortunately it's been a much tougher task than the Renaissance counterpoint or Baroque fugue projects so I've accomplished only three more measures to bring my total to seven for the piece.

Choir Camp 2007

Today's concert concluded a decently busy week of singing, what with two rehearsals a day, plus a "dress" rehearsal this morning. St. Olaf hosted two music camps, the first being the generic "Music Camp" where HS students came for a week and spent the majority of their time singing/playing their instrument and performing in their respective ensembles, the second being a sort of piano forum camp. Since I'd spent the week taking my counterpoint class as usual, I didn't really think much of it being a camp for me. But after the concert today I realized that this was an unusual circumstance for me to be singing in a choir, and I realized it was, in a way, a choir camp for me too. I hadn't been to one in five years (still crazy to think it was that long ago), and what with realizing that many of my friends are spending parts of this summer working or attending camps of some sort I realized this would be a possible future line of work (albeit part-time). [Anything choir-related would be one of the few areas where I would have enough skills to land work. We'll see.]

I'm kind of sad I won't be singing under Dr. Aspaas next year. Once again I realized how fortunate I was to have been able to sing under him for two years, but since next year I'm going to Cantorei I will have experience with another choir director's style.

An Outline of the Faith

Q: What are we by nature?

A: We are part of God's creation, made in the image of God.

Q: What does it mean to be created in the image of God?

A: It means that we are free to make choices: to love, to create, to reason, and to live in harmony with creation and with God.

I read through the Catechism this morning, looking for a source of information in which to somewhat quell my distress. Since I've been focusing on the negative aspects of human nature, I've grown to hate it, citing it as the main reason why we've been straying from God. But I love the response to the second question in the Catechism, because it oulines (albeit vaguely) what we are able to do in life.

Q: Why then do we live apart from God and out of harmony with creation?

A: From the beginning, human beings have misused their freedom and made wrong choices.

Q: Why do we not use our freedom as we should?

A: Because we rebel against God, and we put ourselves in the place of God.

I already covered about the bad aspects of human nature, and the reasons given in the second set of responses pretty much covers my thesis (although I haven't written one yet) as to why it's so hard to live the life God wants for us.

Q: What help is there for us?

A: Our help is in God.

This is where, I believe, the necessary intimate relationship with God comes in. It's where we trust everything of our being to him and know that he will guide [help] us in our lives. I know this because even as I've strayed I'm still here, and upon learning more about things that have happened in my life I've realized that he's always been looking out for me, regardless of what I do.

Skipping ahead, here's what the Catechism had to say about the Bible...

Q: What are the Holy Scriptures?

A: The Holy Scriptures, commonly called the Bible, are the books of the Old and New Testaments; other books, called the Apocrypha, are often included in the Bible.

Q: Why do we call the Holy Scriptures the Word of God?

A: We call them the Word of God because God inspired their human authors and because God still speaks to us through the Bible.

I think one area where many people get confused is when they think that God himself wrote the Bible. Here, that is clearly not the case. Of course the Bible couldn't have been written without God's inspiration (also called the inspiration of the Holy Spirit in another question); otherwise it is merely another book written long ago. However, as it was written down by human hands we still must take into account the language and individual interpretation. This is especially important when dealing with various social issues, specifically considering issues where the scripture appears to support or ban a social act, but either doesn't explain its reasoning or does so in a vague manner.

Q: What is the Church?

A: The Church is the community of the New Covenant.

Q: How is the Church described in the Bible?

A: The Church is described as the Body of which Jesus Christ is the Head and of which all baptized persons are members.

I think as a kid I thought the church was the building itself. Actually I think most people do. When I read this it again confirmed for me that one needs to be part of a community in order to successfully live and spread the Word of God. The Left Hand of God by Michael Lerner, a book I started last summer and still haven't finished, bemoans the selfishness that drives the business of the world, and clamors for a need of reliance on each other--a community--through which we could live out God's vision for all of humankind. It's kind of funny when you think of how things operate, and how many of these things have many, many parts. Whether it's something complicated like a car or a human body, or simple like an atom or molecule, each section of this being or object needs to do its part. Even Jesus talked about the importance of the unity of the body (in metaphors of course) and explained that each section needed to do its part in order for the body to function properly. It's amazing that these things work so well because of its unity. It's just downright sad that it's nearly impossible for human society to do the same, because it makes complete sense.

I thought this little question was interesting:

Q: Why is the Church described as catholic?

A: The Church is catholic, because it proclaims the whole Faith to all people, to the end of time.

I'm kind of curious to see what the writers meant by "catholic". It's curiouser to note that the word was spelled with a lower-case "c", which has to mean something a little different than the definition that we generally know.

Q: Who are the ministers of the Church?

A: The ministers of the Church are lay persons, bishops, priests, and deacons.<br /><br />

Q: What is the ministry of the laity?

A: The ministry of lay persons is to represent Christ and his Church; to bear witness to him wherever they may be; and, according to the gifts given them, to carry on Christ's work of reconciliation in the world; and to take their place in the life, worship, and governance of the Church.

I'm not going to post the ministry of the other three positions, as most people I know aren't bishops, priests or deacons (or pastors). But I wanted to post the ministry of the laity because that's what I am (right now, anyway), and it more or less covers what I think I'm called to do. One bit of language that concerns me is the phrase "take their place," which on the surface suggest that they need to be put low so they can't rise too high, but in a larger frame concerns the issue of corruption across the many denominations of the Church. Reading this answer and focusing on the spirit of the word, it suggests that everyone has a certain range of tasks in their calling and no one goes further (higher or lower) than their necessary tasks. It is necessary, per se, that the bishop holds a certain amount of power. If he/she takes too much, it is viewed as corruption; if he/she takes too little, it is viewed as hesitation and weakness. Unfortunately, as most people are wont to do, they go after what they want instead of trying to figure out what God has planned for them. I know, because I'm guilty of it, and I've seen what happens to the Church (i.e. community) when persons in power corrupt their position by running things their way.

Q: What is prayer?

A: Prayer is responding to God, by thought and by deeds, with or without words.

[Note: the following question asked about Christian prayer, which is pretty much the same thing but apparently stresses God in his Trinitarian form.]

Q: What are the principal kinds of prayer?

A: The principal kinds of prayer are adoration, praise, thanksgiving, penitence, oblation, intercession, and petition.

Prayer has been a big part of my faith, possibly the biggest aspect of how I've been growing. Through my ups and downs in life I've been able to cover all the different kinds of prayers save for one. I'd never really understood oblation, or what it meant, but as I read on I gained a bit more knowledge on the subject:

Q: What is prayer of oblation?

A: Oblation is an offering of ourselves, our lives and labors, in union with Christ, for the purposes of God.

Through this I began to understand that perhaps I needed to do more in offering myself to do God's work. Before, I kind of figured that I should just do something that I thought God would want me to do, and just do that. It's going to be kind of a struggle as I try to understand this, because in order to really offer myself (instead of just giving myself, maybe) I have to listen as best as I can to what God might have me do and jump on those opportunities as they present themselves.

Over the years, as I've gotten less afraid of death, one of the things that's helped is my shift of concern towards what can I do before I die that will help spread the ministry of God's church (so to speak)? It became less a worry of, when will death come; and more, how can I make sure that I've done everything I've needed? But part of what's helped with my shift in view on death (besides reading through the Weird Illinois book about restless spirits roaming about) is that I believe that part of me will still live on even after the body stops working (and I believe this is true for everyone as well). Since I'm trying to maintain a close relationship with God, that relationship will endure long after I leave. In this is the hope and excitement for eternal life, and it's why the last couple questions in the Catechism stick out to me.

Q: What do we mean by everlasting life?

A: By everlasting life, we mean a new existence, in which we are united with all the people of God, in the joy of fully knowing and loving God and each other.

Q: What, then, is our assurance as Christians?

A: Our assurance as Christians is that nothing, not even death, shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The last response is pretty much my starting point for trying to get people to really understand what Christianity is supposed to be. Many of the different denominations cut-out crucial parts of the ministry and add-in non-Christian things, and through that many people have distorted views of what the kingdom of God is supposed to be. It is important to focus on the whole faith, not just bits and pieces of it. And when we start spreading Christianity, whole and pure, perhaps it will become easier to convince others (non-Christians) to follow and love God as we all should.

Dream for interpretation

I was in NYC with a bunch of "friends" late night going to a movie or show or something like it. Now the place we were going was in a part of the city I'd never been to, and thus I didn't know the geography of the neighborhood. I recall we'd gotten there by subway, therefore that's how we would return to the place we were staying.

While we're leaving the show walking to the subway station I somehow get into a brief altercation of sorts with someone or something and I bang my head in the process. It hurts a little, but I'm more bothered by the fact that the neighborhood scares me a bit and I just want to get back. By the time we enter the subway station, the group (probably 15 people) I'm  with has divided into two subgroups (made up of faster and slower walkers). While the first subgroup (which I'm in) is going through the turnstiles a train is coming. I try to get them to not go on so we can wait for the second subgroup, but they don't hear me and go on anyway. So I run to the train door and try to hold it. Unfortunately the door starts closing far too soon, and I get out and yell at the train operator to hold on and wait for the rest of our group to get here. Eventually they do, but they're in the midst of a decent-sized crowd of resident NY'ers who also want to get in the train, and as a result the rest of our group gets in the wrong car. I leave my train car and try to get into their car, but the doors start closing again. I yell at the train operator to open the doors again so I can re-enter the train. The doors open partially and close. Apparently the operator is lazy and thinks I will just jump in, while I'm waiting for them to open all the way so I can get in. My tentativeness leads the operator to close the doors for the final time, and the train, with everyone else from my group, leaves without me.

So I'm alone on a NY subway platform late at night in a part of the city that I'd never been to and don't know where the hell I am. What's worse, we had to change trains two or three times to get to the show, and I didn't really take note of where we did them. So I have no clue where I am or which trains I'm supposed to take to get home. So I start asking people what station I'm at so I can at least figure out on my own what to do. Unfortunately I don't really get much of a response from anyone. I give up and I jump on the next train and get off at the next station, which happens to be Fifth Avenue. So I finally know one street where I am, so I go around and try to ask what cross street I'm at. I figure if I knew that then I can figure out what line I have to take and where to change trains. I eventually find a couple (who happen to be bi-racial--I don't know why it matters but somehow it does). They're very helpful and friendly, but at a point I realize maybe they're being too friendly, kind of like gangsta-type people who treat everyone like they're their drug brothas or something. I recall the couple trying to take me somewhere, and when I see the black male reach for something, quite possibly a weapon, I break free of the woman's arm and run.

I wake up soon afterwards. I'm sad and angry. I'm sad that the train left without me, and I'm angry that my friends didn't make sure I got on the train with them after I made sure they all got on. I'm also angry at the train operator for not letting me on the train, apparently because he/she thought I was "causing trouble." (It is probably 1 or 2 AM, after all) What's really weird is that upon waking I didn't recognize any of the "friends" I was with. So I was basically hanging out with a bunch of people that I didn't know in real life but somehow knew in the dream. Either way, it wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend the evening.

So what does it mean? I have some ideas, but I'm not really interested in divulging much right now. Plus I'm getting tired and I need to go to sleep and prepare for my next dream. Maybe it will be better than the one from the previous night.

Waking up to time

Now that I've settled into my schedule for the term, I can say my sense of time is back. I recall the last two times I returned to Chicago for breaks the prevailing theme was the lack of the sense of the present time actually being what it was. I'd said how quickly the months were moving during second semester (February-May), but at the same time I was realizing how fast the entire school year (dating from last September) had gone. I still remember the end of last summer and the beginning of junior year really vividly, and trying to chronicle everything of note to me made those past events appear closer than what they actually were. So, strange as it sounds, the things I did at home at the end of last summer are pretty equal in my memory as, say, the things that happened only two months ago, thus throwing my balance of time off whack.

It feels like June. This thought greatly contrasts my disbelief when I arrived Chicago at the end of junior year that it shouldn't be late May. I've following the NBA Finals, baseball, and playing frisbee/disc golf. It feels like summer. After counterpoint a bunch of us tossed a frisbee around and played a little Ultimate for about five minutes in the warm and humid weather before we got tired. So I'm sitting, typing this, and I realize I should probably turn on a fan or two. I feel like time is right where it should be. For now, anyway. [However, I still cannot believe I'm a senior already!]

On a final note, I just looked on my iTunes playlist and realized I spent over eight hours listening to music back on Friday. I guess kinking your back will do that to you. (PS, it's greatly improved; thanks for your prayers!)