Today I found the energy for my devotional to answer the next three questions from Trinity Community Church's sermon from Sunday, June 2 (you can access it here).
Here again is the Bible passage from Matthew 19:16-30 (New International Version)
The Rich and the Kingdom of God
16 Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
17 “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
18 “Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, 19 honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”
20 “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
21 Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
23 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
25 When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
27 Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?”
28 Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30 But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.
Here are questions 4 through 6 (there are 8 in total).
4.) Are there ways that you are trying to have it all together, or at least come across like you have it all together?
Looking back through my notes, I actually answered this question twice, once two weeks ago, and again today. Here's part of what I wrote today:
For me, this is a question about control, or at least the feeling of being in control. A very critical juncture of my life (ages 5-10) where I was supposed to be receiving love, peace, care, empathy, as well as learning the first steps toward the responsibilities of adulthood (like school), was anything but. Not only that, but there was this expectation that, in spite of the pain I was living with, and the complete gaps in my development on all levels, I was still expected to be perfect in every way. How I survived that era of my life was two-fold: 1.) suppress my feelings and my truth, and 2.) "figure out" how to measure up to all the behavioral requirements and schoolwork requirements that were before me. To be able to do both, I had to find a way to control everything -- and I mean, everything -- in order to hold it together. And because my experience with God was so limited at that time, control (or the illusion thereof) was the only way out.
So that still plays out today: when I encounter a conflict or a potential conflict, my mind will go into my argument fantasies, because that is my way of "controlling" what I think is the situation. I wasn't big enough when I was 5,6,7,8,9,10; so I relentlessly would enter these scenarios in my mind and imagine that, if I were big enough, I could control not only the argument but also the circumstance; and then I would get love, peace, care, empathy, etc. The fact that it has never worked still hasn't deterred me from trying.
5.) How does that get in the way of following Jesus?
If I'm trying to be in control, then I'm not letting Jesus be in control. If I'm trying to control everything, then I'm not surrendering everything to Him; I'm choosing not to trust Him. And if I'm not trusting Him, then I'm not following Him. A simple answer, but not at all an easy one.
6.) How does the Gospel (or the Good News) free us from shame over our limitations and failures?
The Good News is that there's grace. When I confess my sins, failures, and limitations, and surrender my desire to control the situation over to Jesus, He does respond. Today, I was 15 minutes late for an interview. My inability to control and change the circumstance (once it became apparent that I was going to be late) led me to ask God for grace, and He supplied it. My interviewer called me, which gave me the opportunity to let her know that I was running behind, and to give her an ETA. I then shared that one reason I was late was because I'd forgotten where I'd parked my car and hadn't realized it at first. There was grace in that moment; my interviewer understood completely. That was Jesus.One final note -- I've reflected it in recent posts, but it feels appropriate to put it here today as well -- I've completely stopped following my church's prayer calendar, as well as that of my own prayer calendar. What I'm holding on to, from my experience a few days ago, really is God's grace. In the past, I would beat myself up for not being perfect, for not following all the disciplines that I said I would. I'm not doing that this time. Sure, I'm disappointed, but, again, receiving and experiencing God's grace has even freed me from being too disappointed. I am seeing prayers answered nonetheless. And for that I am quite grateful.