A stone from memory lane: the New York years

Turns out I've spent my life being homesick.

When I was 10 years old, I decided I wanted to move to New York City. Why? I was invited to go to a boarding school and sing in a well-known choir in an adventure and opportunity not available to most people in this culture, let alone this world. I passed the audition, passed whatever academic entrance testing I needed, and *boom!* I was in if I wanted to accept their offer. I left home at age 11, not really understanding what I was leaving behind.

[Before I go any further, I want to inform you, the reader, that I have no intention of gaining pity or extra attention because of some deep truths I am choosing to share. I know that lately I've exposed some things that most people wouldn't share on a blog. My mission, knowing full well the changing state of this world and particularly the mental and emotional health, is to shed some light on such struggles and issues by sharing aspects of my story that will help others be able to identify some of their wounds and shortcomings.

There is a way to be transparent -- even in such a public place as the internet -- and still be safe. There are pieces of my story that I will never share on here, because this isn't a safe place for it. But there are other pieces that, while vulnerable, I have searched and deemed safe enough, or at least worth enough the risk that someone may be affected in a positive way.]

I graduated from St. Thomas Choir School at age 15. But in those four years I was there, I learned to suppress my own emotions, and to deny my own needs and feelings, not because it wasn't "good for boys to have," but rather because there was just a lot to do and a lot to keep up with.

In some ways, I grew a lot. The last three years I consistently got almost-straight-As on my report cards, and that included not only the staple middle-school classes (English, math, science, history, foreign languages, and art), but also music theory, theology, choir, piano lessons, and P.E./sport. I went from a kid that was so homesick that he had trouble paying attention in choir to being what Dr. H referred to as one of the best boy singers and leaders he'd ever had. And by the time I came along to the choir school, he'd been Organist and Master of Choristers for 25 years. So that's saying something.

But there was a cost. I experienced and became acclimated to life without the parents and learned independence. But even with all the adults there to supervise and mentor us, there was a limit on what they could give. For a kid whose parents lived farther away than anyone else's, the mentorship I received didn't offset the other stuff I needed that only my original parents could provide.

When I returned home, my goal was attaining all the people and attention I'd left behind. What I didn't realize was that everything was different, that I was different. I spent the next 12 years crying out desperately for something I didn't need, simply because what I really was crying out for was misplaced.

In 2009 I had the opportunity to stay employed with AmeriCorps by choosing to move to Austin, Minnesota. I balked. It was too far to drive. I couldn't afford a move. I was looking towards grad school and moving to the middle of nowhere would derail me. Last year I used some of the same excuses when my department moved to Batavia, Illinois. Too far. Too costly. Not worth it. I'm not saying that these reasons were wrong, but it makes so much more sense now: I chose to enter unemployment instead of staying employed both times because of what all came up for me when I lived in New York.

I don't want to spend any more of my life being homesick. I want to live.

Celibacy

I was up really late last night. It tends to happen when I'm wound up, when there's something seriously gnawing at the mind. Sure, it's occurred rather often in my life, but at least now when it does, it comes not as often, and only when I'm hitting on something deep (and usually painful).

My church has been going through a sermon series called Jesus and Culture ["http://evine.prod2.webenabled.net/jesus-and-culture"]  over the last month, and during that time we have touched on all sorts of categories where Christian values have gone by the wayside in favor of what's popular. Going into the series last month, our senior pastor knew that the following month-and-a-half of sermons was going to trigger a lot of reactions. Not everyone was going to agree; in fact, I'm sure many people don't agree. But I choose to support my church because, while there are delicate issues going on, the truth needs to be spoken.

Yesterday's sermon, much like the one a few weeks ago about community, triggered me. First I was angry, then after prayer I calmed down, and then when I listened to the sermon again for the second service (I decided to stay), I admired my senior pastor's gall for clearly stating what he needed to state without stuttering or flinching. I agree with everything in the sermon. But it triggered me because it hit a topic that bothers me deeply.

Here is the link ["http://www.evanstonvineyard.org/blog/201302/sexual-ethics-culture-tolerance"] to the outline of the sermon, titled "Sexual Ethics in a Culture of Tolerance." I won't copy and paste all the bullet points, but I will highlight a few points that hit me particularly strongly:

- the lie that sex is necessary for happiness and fulfillment, the lie that we need sex like we need good food and nourishment; society treats celibacy as "cruel and unusual punishment," and (my addition) that the more sex I were to have, - the more worth I would have as a person

- the lie that sex is a private, individual matter and it doesn't affect me; intellectually I struggle to understand it, let alone accept it, but emotionally it hits home for me because other people's sex lives do bother me and make me feel like less of a person

- determining on our own what is truly an ethical sexual relationship (without the bible) is impossible; a popular claim that sticks out to me the most is the "consenting adults in love"; issue is that "love" ("http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/eros" ) is fickle and doesn't last... people who fall in love will also fall out of love, plain and simple; other issue is distinguishing love (giving to the other person) vs lust (taking from the other person)... we are really bad at that on our own

- so then, how do we decide what is ethical? ultimately, it is what is according to God's design and endorsed by God himself

I was -- and still am -- wound up because my sense of identity through my celibacy was attacked. In the past I would have called it "spiritual warfare"; now, I call it a trigger of a wound. Perhaps they're both the same thing. In any case, I don't look at spiritual warfare as the "bad thing" that I did just a couple years ago. Whatever it is, I am on alert because there is something wrong and I need to give the proper attention to it.

The truth is, I've been celibate for ... let's just say a long time. ... a long time by my standards, anyway. The lie about sex being necessary for happiness and fulfillment still grates at me. Society tells me that, with a few exceptions, everyone else has "done it," and the world wants me to believe that because of my celibacy I am worthless by comparison. The world wants me to believe that "anything goes" in sex and relationships, and I've let that corrupt my view of myself and others for years. It's still there.

The last time I shared about this topic on here was a year-and-a-half ago (see posts here, here, and here ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/07/thirds-confessions-and-forgiveness.html"] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/08/if-youre-not-virgin-keep-walking.html"] [http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/08/footnotes-relationships-employment-and.html"]), a time when a close relationship I was in first forced me to confront these issues. I did not deal with them well (ultimately, it led to me ending that relationship), and with this topic coming up again I struggle to deal with it well. I suppose I deal with it marginally better now than I did then, but still.

I feel I've shared enough for today. There is more to sit with. And eventually I will write a "part 3" on this topic at some point.

So that God can EAT! Exodus: uncovering a tangible and relational God

Most of you know the Exodus story, or at least, the first half: Israel is in oppressive slavery in Egypt, God performs all these signs and miracles, and ultimately the Israelites walk through a mysteriously split Red Sea that closes just in time to drown the Egyptian army that was pursuing them. Exciting! The rest of the book of Exodus is a list of laws and Tabernacle requirements, so to speak. Boring.

I'm in the boring part of Exodus now, per the Read The Bible In One Year schedule I'm on. But over the last couple days of reading, and today particularly, I've become amazed at the point of why God sets all these rules and regulations regarding the Tabernacle/priesthood/offerings while the Israelites are going through the desert. It's really simple: God wants to be with them. He wants to be with us.

And let them make me a sanctuary; that I may dwell among them. ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus%2025:8&version=KJV"] Exodus 25:8, King James Version

Here follows a passage that I want to draw your attention to today:

"This is what you are to offer on the altar regularly each day: two lambs a year old. Offer one in the morning and the other at twilight. With the first lamb offer a tenth of an ephah of fine flour mixed with a quarter of a hin of oil from pressed olives, and a quarter of a hin of wine as a drink offering. Sacrifice the other lamb at twilight with the same grain offering and its drink offering as in the morning--a pleasing aroma, an offering made to the LORD by fire. "For the generations to come this burnt offering is to be made regularly at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting before the LORD. There I will meet you and speak to you; there also I will meet with the Israelites, and the place will be consecrated by my glory. "So I will consecrate the Tent of Meeting and the altar and will consecrate Aaron and his sons to serve me as priests. Then I will dwell among the Israelites and be their God. They will know that I am the LORD their God, who brought them out of Egypt so that I might dwell among them. I am the LORD their God.

["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus%2029:38-46&version=NIV"] Exodus 29:38-46, New International Version

The two conclusions I've drawn today I want to share: 1.) The first part of this passage, where God is outlining the daily sacrifices (in this case, the twice-a-day sacrifices), shows how real and tangible and relational God is. Simply, God wants to eat, which is why he requires meat and spices. Here, his desire to connect and be present with the others is shown through Moses and Aaron giving the Lord food as if he were another human being. (Of course, given that God asks for the finest of everything, that's what makes him separate and above humanity. But that's presently beside the point.)

2.) The second part of the passage, as my New Revised Standard Version bible puts it, is the entire point of the book of Exodus. All these instructions are so that God can continually dwell, in a physical and concrete way, with the Israelites as they make their pilgrimage to the promised land.

Most people don't tend to think of God as really wanting relationship with us or at least wanting to meet us where we are before the birth of Jesus Christ, but I beg to differ. In as early as the book of Exodus, God clearly defines his desire to be with us. The difference, I sense, is that God only makes it clear to the Israelites/Hebrews/Jews in the Old Testament, but when Jesus comes he opens the possibility of relationship to everyone.

Winter: letting me know I'm alive

I've said in the past that I hate winter. ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2009/01/starting-out-with-bang.html" ]

I've changed my mind about it. It feels right to me. The cold and the snow fit me. And, like Calvin's dad, weather like this lets me know I'm alive. Up until the last week or so we've had mild weather, but since then we've had snow fall in our area almost every day. Interestingly enough, it's been only really in the last week that I've been out and about more, requiring me to contend with driving in the snow. Gotta say I love 4-wheel drive; I don't know how else I could have gone through all that driving.

A more accurate way of me expressing my true feelings about winter is "I'm used to it." Every fall, cold air shocks me because I've been used to warm air. So, contending with my first 40-degree day sometime in October makes me uncomfortable, but having my first 40-degree day in February or March feels balmy. There's a degree of relativity to it.

Likewise, where I am in life is I have chosen certain priorities at the expense of others, and I've let that not only shape my friendships but determine my friends and my activities. How I spend my time and who I spend it with is vastly different from what it was a year ago. The "winter" theme fits in perfectly here because I feel I've been mostly downsizing. I don't like how I've been trying to socialize since around age 15 (and probably before then, too), and in order to grow up I need to make some tough changes. In some ways I am rather sad at it, but I am also beginning to see what is good for me in the long run.

Like with winter, I need to live in a way that lets me know I'm alive. It's not about me, and yet it is about me. Get it?

Honesty

I feel I need to be honest today. I'm still blogging, even though I made a big deal out of ending it last year. My absence from blogging lasted two months, but I decided surviving 12-21-2012 was a good enough excuse to come back. As far as you're concerned, I must be a hypocrite. And if I am indeed a hypocrite, then what good is it for you to pay attention, let alone take heed, to anything I say? There is no value in a hypocrite's words, declarations, promises.

I have a lot of things to say about what's true in my life right now, but as I'm learning more and more about what boundaries I need and where, I am choosing to abstain from sharing most of it.

This blog has been my voice, because for years I believed I didn't have a voice. I've lived my life (and still do, in some areas) believing that my voice didn't matter, that I didn't matter. That's what I had been told, from all sorts of different people, in all sorts of various ways, from all sorts of places, year after year after year.

But I am beginning to find my real voice, in places that I never knew I needed as recently as a couple years ago. And it is in those places where I am sharing what I really think and feel about life, about my life.

I need to be honest, first with myself, secondly with God, and thirdly with others, because I have struggles within myself that I cannot solve myself. I've tried and tried and tried to stop the things with which I struggle, and I've failed miserably, over and over again. And unfortunately the end result of this leaves me bitter and resentful and alone. I'm sick of being alone. I'm tired of being all by myself in this hellish world where no one cares. And I'm done with contributing to it by lying and saying everything's ok when they're not. I have to be honest.

And something that's true about me and my life that I will share on here is that I have become much more aware of my needs, the "what," the "where," and especially the "how much." The world that existed before my time had people that actually cared about each other and took care of each other. In today's world, no one gives a shit. And what I've realized (and hope I've decided) is that I am choosing to no longer tolerate that, not of anyone else, and not of myself.

As for this blog, I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to both leave and stay. So all I can truthfully promise is that the only way I'll leave this blog for sure is when I delete this page.

Tree of Life, updated

At a New Year's prayer meeting ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2013/01/2013-aka-year-4-aka-tree-of-life.html"] I received and shared the words "Tree of Life" -- and my vision of a big, fat tree with an abundance of leaves -- in context with what God might have in store for the coming year or at least the coming season. My friend who was hosting immediately shot off the verse from Proverbs 13:12. ["http://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Proverbs%2013:12"]  I copied and pasted four prominent translations of it, and I have it on a wall behind my computer desk.

I gave the most weight to the King James version because it's well-known for its authority. But I soon found I had an issue with the phrase "when the desire cometh," because while other translations refer to a dream or a longing fulfilled, I don't know if it is necessarily what is meant.

I dug through the New Revised Standard Version, a reasonably authoritative translation, and I grabbed it because of its footnotes. Sure enough, it had one, for the "tree of life" phrase at the end. Tree of Life! These were exactly the words God gave me.

Briefly, if you're interested, here is the NRSV of that verse: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

OK. In the footnotes, the NRSV directed me to two other biblical passages with those same exact words. Firstly, in Proverbs 3:18, ["http://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Proverbs%203:18"] it says "She [referring to wisdom] is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her; those who hold her fast are called happy." Secondly, in Proverbs 11:30, ["http://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Proverbs%2011:30"] it says "The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life. But violence takes lives away."

So then, my conclusion about the tree of life, the exact words God gave me, is this: it is not only a desire fulfilled, but wisdom, and also fruit of the righteous (which, as of right now, I'm referring to as righteous living).

I have questions, though. I wonder if that was the verse that was intended to go with the vision. Perhaps it was, but right now I'm not entirely convinced about the desire-being-fulfilled part. The wisdom and righteous-living aspects make just as much sense to me. Then again, lately I've been digging and finding desires deeper and longer-lasting than the woman-related desire. All I know is God's word is true and will be true; I just don't know how, and it's so easy to go nuts trying to analyze everything.

Days like those

Remember the quote where it says a picture is worth a thousand words?

Kevin and Adam take in a game at Wrigley Field during their road trip to Chicago.

No, really, this truck with the cow spots really was a float in the Jesse James Days Parade!

My AmeriCorps group... I really loved being around these guys...

Kevin playing hacky-sack in the parking garage by the IKEA near the Mall of America.

Pat and Adam rolling dice in an intense game of RISK! They look like they were having fun too.

All of these pics were taken between August and December of 2008, one of the best seasons of my life: I was living on my own, I was employed, and I was privileged to spend time with some of my best friends and with my wonderful AmeriCorps fellow service members. This was one of those times I didn't have to work so hard, to fight so hard for my life. Granted, I don't believe I matured much then, given that I seemed to have my own small circle of friends with whom I hung out all the time. I didn't care. I didn't have to do anything. I was happy.

Right now, I'm at a time in my life where I need to do whatever I must to grow up, so naturally I'm going to look back on days like those and long for them. All I can do right now is trust that God knows what he's doing, and to do what I have to do to grow up.

Lessons from the Book of Job

Job has always been a triggering book for me. The basic premise goes like this:

Satan crashes a "heavenly beings" meeting; ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%201:6&version=NIV"]

God gives him permission to wreck Job's life, first by taking his children and possessions away, ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%201:12&version=NIV"]

and then by taking away his health, ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%202:6&version=NIV"]

Job gets angry, and asks why God lets this happen; ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%209:22&version=NIV"] 

God gets angry at Job for questioning him; ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2038&version=NIV"]

Job apologizes, ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2042:1-6&version=NIV"]

and God gives him back twice the blessings that Job had had before ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2042:10&version=NIV"] 

The problem was, I processed it a different way: all these bad things happen to Job, Job lets God know how he feels, and God yells at him for complaining. God only is nice to Job when Job says, "I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." It was hard for me because it meant I had to accept that these things could happen ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2006/06/wake-up-call.html"] to me and not "demand … an explanation." Asking "why?" and "what about me?" was second nature to me. Still is. And from reading this book, I was convinced God didn't care about me, except for when I would demand an explanation from him.

But it wasn't until last year that I discovered God really did care about me. It wasn't until last year that I discovered what really happened in my life, thus leading me to ask such presumably selfish things. The bad things that happened to Job happened to him as an adult; I, on the other hand, was in my early childhood when my similar stuff happened. Even though whatever happens to me as an adult is separate from what happened when I was a kid, the latter stuff, when unresolved, reverberates through the rest of my life until it is resolved. God cares about things that happen to me, and a message I've been receiving is that he wants everything restored, everything healed, as much as possible.

I wrote an email to my friends along with whom I am plowing through the Bible this year, sharing my story with this particular book. I won't copy and paste here, but I'll outline the four steps that have helped me see the truth and what God wants me to take away from Job's story:

1.) God did not cause Job to lose everything he had. It's not God's fault, but he did allow it to happen as a time of sharpening for Job, a sharpening of his faith in God.

2.) While arguing with his friends, Job believed some lies about God: that he was unjust, that he doesn't punish the wicked, that he punishes good men. Job had some serious tunnel vision [It is all the same to me; that is why I say: "He destroys both the blameless and the wicked."  Job 9:22].

3.) Even upright people go through trials. God sharpens people to try them, test their faith, at any time, for any length of time. Why? Because he's God, he gets to do what he wants with his creation.

4.) After Job repents, God gives him everything back, twice as much. Last summer when I shared my dream about the blind newborns, one friend suggested the term "double blessing." True, coming to Vineyard after my last exile certainly has been a double blessing unto itself, particularly in that even in the downs of life I haven't left the church. When I was in exile, I couldn't be bothered to commit to a church for more than maybe a month. I would feel lacking somewhere inside of myself, and go to another place to find it.

Job's story still doesn't completely sit well with me, but it sits a lot better than it used to. I think it's just frustrating not knowing what's going on or what will happen, and on top of that I have to trust that something good will happen. My tunnel vision is that a lot of my life has been full of crap, and it's hard for me to understand or believe in something I've never really experienced. It's getting easier.

Aaron Swartz, part 2: death of "decent society"

One of the dangers of getting back into blogging after taking a hiatus is to willingly become sucked into the addiction of needing to put things out there so people will pay attention for me and give me what I think I want or need. I've clearly not retired, and from here on out I need to re-think how I present my intentions to change from relying on addictions (like the internet) to relying on things I actually, really need (Bible-reading, counseling journaling, calling friends on the phone, etc).

There have been things going on in my own life of late that I would have considered blog-worthy a year ago. I have another place for such things, for which I am grateful. Not that I don't want to share important parts of my life here, too, but I need to continue searching for why I blog and how I should.

I've been in conversation about, and read up further on, my former acquaintance Aaron Swartz. I have to be careful, because I didn't know him outside of that 2000-2001 school year. But with such a poignant topic as suicide, it's hard not to romanticize whatever I knew of the man.

My dad shared a piece ["http://lessig.tumblr.com/post/40347463044/prosecutor-as-bully"] with me written by Swartz' friend and temporary lawyer, Larry Lessig. It is poignant. It triggered some of my own responses from when a teenage girl I'd never heard of, let alone met, let alone knew, committed suicide back in October ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/10/for-i-know-plans-i-have-for-you.html"]. Last post I'd commented about how Swartz never had a chance to grow up. While I will choose to resist patting myself on the back now that I know how right I was about that, it makes it even harder to cope when bullying comes into play.

Pastor Steve at my church (Evanston Vineyard) ["http://www.evanstonvineyard.org/"] is currently in the midst of a sermon series called "Jesus and Culture," and the first sermon ["http://evine.prod2.webenabled.net/assets/podcasts/2013-01-06_faith-exile.mp3"] of the series described ["http://www.evanstonvineyard.org/blog/201301/jesus-and-culture-faith-exile"] about how Christianity is no longer the basis for morality in our culture and how Christian values are pooh-poohed across the board. Steve boldly declared that we as American Christians are in exile in a strange land, though our own. I'm not sure whether to agree with it as of yet, but I do agree that society has changed, that our morals have changed, and that we have lost a sense of how to really treat each other as human beings.

A sentence from Lessig's blog that stood out to me goes like this: "[Swartz] is gone today, driven to the edge by what a decent society would only call bullying." Unfortunately, my first question is: what is "decent society"? Does it still exist? Is there hope that decency could ever again matter in the way it once seemed? Between Swartz' case and Amanda Todd's case, among countless others, even the Jesus-follower in me struggles to have hope and trends towards pessimism in this.

I'd share the following passage from Ephesians 6:12 ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+6:12&version=NIV"] "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms[,]" (New International Version) but it seems our "decent society" would rather punish the flesh and blood along with the principalities involved. At the very least, we're too blind to really see what's going on, and that includes many Christians.

When I went back to my commentary on suicide from October, I closed that post with "for I know the plans I have for you" line from Jeremiah 29 ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jeremiah%2029&version=NIV"]. I'd forgotten about that. If Pastor Steve is right and we are heading into exile, then that line is prescient to the few Christians who understand what's happening.

Yesterday I went for prayer after the second service and felt the Holy Spirit as I released some pains and sought help. And something that one of my friends who was praying over me said that stuck out: "there is nothing self-centered about asking God to hold you" ... about hogging the attention if I need help for myself. Lessig intimated that Swartz was "unable to appeal openly to us for ... help." Without Christianity playing a central role, we lose our sense of decency and willingness to reach out for help (or give it).

Decency is dead without Christ. So is hope. Swartz died because he lost hope. I just wish that more people would connect the dots. I think Lessig said it best in this post ["http://lessig.tumblr.com/post/40331489608/aaron-rip"]: "We are all incredible sorry to have let you down."

Jesus never would've let Aaron down.

Growing up, part 1

~ i.e. more than intellect and physical independence; an epitaph for a former classmate ~

I've been thinking lately about what it means to grow up. It seems an ultra-important issue, given that what I used to believe "growing up" meant five years ago was vastly different from what I believe it to be now. Sure, there are the barebones requirements: having a job, having a place of my own, and at the very least being able to financially support myself without needing help from my family of origin (i.e. my parents). There are a few others, like getting married, perhaps owning a house and car… although this is starting to sound more like the American dream than anything else. And I am going to say this outright: accomplishing the "American dream" is not the same as growing up.

But everywhere I look, people of my generation (Generation Y), although independent in at least a few of the ways I described above, aren't as "grown up" as I thought. We still depend on our parents emotionally (and often financially) as if we were children. It seems that whenever we invest in something, whether a house or a marriage or a career, when something goes wrong it's as if it were the end of the world and we need to be consoled. (Unfortunately we often go to the wrong places for it.)

My sense is my generation doesn't have a sense of autonomy like our parents and grandparents did. Granted, in those earlier days it was: "when you're 18, you're out the door" and "figure it out on your own." Our parents and grandparents made mistakes and learned from them. It seems as if we're afraid to make mistakes, or maybe it's more because we're too emotionally underdeveloped to learn from them when we do. (Or maybe we always were.)

Point is, with both parents out of the house working, someone or something less qualified is often entrusted to our care. Because of the lack of nurture our parents gave us, we turn to other things to feed our very souls, often things that teach us lies about the world, about ourselves, about each other, and about life. And my generation's "adulthood" is the fruit of what our parents sowed, for better or for worse.

A common lie we've believed is not persevering. When something goes wrong, I think the best thing to do is to run away to avoid life's problems, conveniently forgetting that life's problems stay with me wherever I go. That's not something I learned in school; what I learned in school was how to analyze numbers and literature and music, how languages worked, and how chemicals behave when they're put together. That's great, I learned something useful, but it really was just a diversion from the dung that was my childhood.

The best thing that ever happened to me was finishing school. Because of all the crap I lived through in the early years of my life, my defense was to block it out and focus on school, focus on grades and pretend like nothing else mattered. It didn't work anyway. I didn't really grow up all those years I was in school, because of it.

Aaron Swartz ["http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/technology/aaron-swartz-internet-activist-dies-at-26.html"] was in my geometry class freshman year at North Shore Country Day School. Dude was brilliant. He was already a year younger than the rest of us, and he was already in geometry (all freshmen were either in algebra or geometry for math that year). At the end of the year he left North Shore to go somewhere else, and I never saw him again. Only sometime late in college I heard from him again, when I -- not sure how I did this -- signed up on to an email listing whose focus was to spread the importance of internet freedom.

I'm not going to go into any more of his bio. Swartz was brilliant. It's worth repeating that, because I saw it first-hand. I don't know if I was ever at all jealous of him, particularly given that I was a year-and-a-half older than he, and that he was my year in school and doing better in some areas than even I was. I don't think I was jealous, but I won't blame myself if I were. Point is, he's now dead, having committed suicide. Articles say he struggled with depression for years. To be fair, he was looking at significant jail time for pirating data from J-stor, but in my opinion it doesn't matter.

Swartz may have been brilliant and independent and, legal issues aside, had a good chunk of what he wanted in life. But, all his intellect aside, he lacked in emotional and spiritual maturity. We don't struggle with depression for something stupid like "chemical imbalance." Something(s) happened in Swartz' life that stunted his emotional growth, and to throw in a few triggers, a few lies, I'm not at all surprised that he would struggle with the such. Being insanely smart has no defense against it.

Swartz never had the chance to really grow up. To me, that's the biggest loss in yesterday's tragedy. And I look across everyone I've ever known, I'm very doubtful that even a handful of people my age have really grown up (a once-good friend of mine from the past who married his wife at 23 confided to me recently that they were in counseling, something that caught me off-guard at first but is making more sense now). I just realize how very blessed I am to have a safe place where I can heal and take care of myself.

So then, what is growing up? Taking care of myself (financially, emotionally, etc), for one, but I will also add allowing myself to trust in God and trust in others, in community, to be there with me in times both good and bad. Growing up means being able to handle the ups and downs with budgeting and finances, relationships, parenting (if applicable), and knowing when to risk and when to lay back. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it's what I've been able to figure out thus far.

2013, aka Year 4, aka "Tree of Life"?

What's different about this New Year vs. other new years in my life is my approach to it. Yes, it's a clean slate, but for the most part I focus on the big picture (i.e. 27 years down, maybe 62 years remaining if God wills it), rather than a series of little chunks. I have hopes for my life this year, but I also know that I've got a lot of time for whatever God wants to do in my life. I am now more able to say, "OK, God, take however long you want." It allows me to live more in joy and less in worry.

I went to my friend David's house today for a "January for Jesus" get-together for prayer, worship, and discussion. We focused on thanking God for what he gave us in the previous year, and on asking him to show or tell us what he has in store for the coming year.

Here's what I would like to share from this meeting:

1.) What part of God's heart does he want to show or share with me this year?

I didn't get a strong sense of anything, but I have chosen to remain with what he has given me over the last year: his provision and a sense that he is taking care of me, holding me close, and going after my heart. I believe that God wants to continue to show me himself as Provider for everything that I need, and I believe that this will be true until he gives me something clear and different, no matter how soon or how late it comes.

2.) If the next season (either all of 2013, the first month or two, or six months) had a heading, a title, what would it be?

3.) Or, if words don't work for you, what images come?

During this time I received the following: first, a vision of a row of green leaves across a header; second, the words "Tree of Life"; and third, an image of a large tree in the middle among the green leaves.

When I shared this with the rest of the group, David immediately gave me the following Bible verse from Proverbs 13:12, which I will share in four translations:

1.) Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+13:12&version=KJV"] King James Version

2.) Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+13:12&version=NLT"] New Living Translation

3.) Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+13:12&version=NIV"] New International Version

4.) Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around. ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+13:12&version=MSG"] The Message

I will say this: I'm continuing to grow, to become more of a man than I was, and to become more of a man than I already am. God has given me much of my life back, and I'm hungry for more.