Honesty

I feel I need to be honest today. I'm still blogging, even though I made a big deal out of ending it last year. My absence from blogging lasted two months, but I decided surviving 12-21-2012 was a good enough excuse to come back. As far as you're concerned, I must be a hypocrite. And if I am indeed a hypocrite, then what good is it for you to pay attention, let alone take heed, to anything I say? There is no value in a hypocrite's words, declarations, promises.

I have a lot of things to say about what's true in my life right now, but as I'm learning more and more about what boundaries I need and where, I am choosing to abstain from sharing most of it.

This blog has been my voice, because for years I believed I didn't have a voice. I've lived my life (and still do, in some areas) believing that my voice didn't matter, that I didn't matter. That's what I had been told, from all sorts of different people, in all sorts of various ways, from all sorts of places, year after year after year.

But I am beginning to find my real voice, in places that I never knew I needed as recently as a couple years ago. And it is in those places where I am sharing what I really think and feel about life, about my life.

I need to be honest, first with myself, secondly with God, and thirdly with others, because I have struggles within myself that I cannot solve myself. I've tried and tried and tried to stop the things with which I struggle, and I've failed miserably, over and over again. And unfortunately the end result of this leaves me bitter and resentful and alone. I'm sick of being alone. I'm tired of being all by myself in this hellish world where no one cares. And I'm done with contributing to it by lying and saying everything's ok when they're not. I have to be honest.

And something that's true about me and my life that I will share on here is that I have become much more aware of my needs, the "what," the "where," and especially the "how much." The world that existed before my time had people that actually cared about each other and took care of each other. In today's world, no one gives a shit. And what I've realized (and hope I've decided) is that I am choosing to no longer tolerate that, not of anyone else, and not of myself.

As for this blog, I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to both leave and stay. So all I can truthfully promise is that the only way I'll leave this blog for sure is when I delete this page.