Further reflections from this week

~ Reflection #1 ~

Walking out and about midday on Wednesday, after my morning shift at work, I found myself wanting to thank God, just because. The day before, I listened to Pastor Bill's final sermon at the Vineyard, and sketched out the blog post that I published Wednesday about recent convictions that I felt from Him.

The bottom line reflection from this week is that while Tuesday I got in touch finally with how far I've drifted from Jesus, and especially from connecting through His word, I also realized that all this time He was only one step away. All I had to do was take one step back towards Him, and all would be well. That is a new discovery for me. I've heard about this for years, this very concept, but never connected experientially with it until this week. (Knowing myself, it'll take a few more times of re-discovering this before it pierces my heart. Right now, it's a full-blown awareness but merely contained within my mind.)

~ Reflection #2 ~

While on my walk Wednesday, I walked by the bush/plant on Isabella Street, which serves as the border between Evanston and Wilmette. (See photos above.) It continues to grow taller, and looks quite different from when first I saw it two years ago. (See photos below.)

At that time it was one of the many metaphors that I believe God was trying not only to communicate to me, but get through my thick skull, to take a risk that He wanted me to take, that I wanted to take, and that the intended recipient of the risk also wanted me to take, but I was too scared to do. Two years ago, when the plant was shorter, it looked like it was a lot more "in the way" along the sidewalk, which fits a lot more for message regarding taking the risk. Now that it is taller, it looks a lot less "in the way" than it once did, and consequently, it looks a lot less like a picture of that risk. In a way, now, it looks more representative of the fact that, as time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent that the boat has sailed and will never return.

~ Reflection #3 ~

Also on my walk, I saw a hammock tied to a branch about 40 or so feet in the air. I saw the amount of work that it took to put that hammock up. I also got a picture of relaxation, and a sense that this is a common sight in a place like Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, where so many Chicagoans have a second home. The reflection that hit me: do not ever buy a second home. You don't need it. The only exception that could come into play, is if I get a clear sense of purpose and direction to use said "second home" as a function for retreats or other gatherings. In other words, to use the second home to serve others. Then I might consider it.

~ Reflection #4 ~

I've been looking for work and thinking quite a bit about the next phase of my career. For my next job, and possibly next career, I am willing to do the 9-to-5 job. What I ask is that, first, there is no (or minimal) workplace drama, and second, a sense of purpose and feeling that I am regularly making a difference at that workplace. I did get a small sense of that when I first started working with one of my current jobs, but I haven't felt that there for a long time, nor in any of my other jobs. But what's clear and fresh is this emerging desire to make a difference at work. I do believe that it would motivate me to want to pour myself more into the job, rather than use the job solely for the money and for my benefit. This is a shift in how I've long thought about work, which I find I like.

Recent convictions to chew on

This post will largely appear a Bible verse dump. Right now I'm finding it best to limit my commentary, because I often find that the sheer volume of my words can and does drown out the core of the message. I will share a few reflections as I begin to try to make sense of the sheer volume of convictions that I've picked up just in the last week.

One other truth is that oftentimes when I experience being convicted by the Spirit, it comes in droves. If you feel overwhelmed reading through all the convictions, rest assured that I'm overwhelmed too. My posting as such is my attempt to put it all down on paper and then begin going through them as I walk this next phase of my life out.

First, I will share Bible verses in bullet points: (all translations in New International Version, unless otherwise noted)

John 6:66: "From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."

A few verses earlier: John 6:63: "The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life."

For context, John 6:60-71: (Many Disciples Desert Jesus)

60 On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?” 

61 Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? 62 Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! 63 The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. 64 Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. 65 He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.” 

66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. 

67 “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” 

70 Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” 71 (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)

The key line that jumped out to me, in addition to the two I posted above, was from verse 61, Jesus' awareness that His disciples were grumbling about what he had just been teaching, and His response: "Does this offend you?" Today, I just watched on Facebook Live Pastor Bill's final sermon at Evanston Vineyard this past Sunday before he retired, and I've been connecting with Scripture, as evidenced by just a few of the convictions I've received. Last week, I wasn't -- and hadn't -- been reading the Bible at all, really not for awhile. At least not since the fast ended almost two months ago. It's still really difficult for me to want to make Bible reading a habit, and I imagine it will be for the rest of my life.

Another conviction: I heard a convicting sermon on the radio on Monday -- at least until I switched it off -- about God needing to discipline us, with the pastor using the reference of a dog being housebroken by the homeowner making the dog sniff its excrement until it realizes that it cannot simply go to the bathroom in the house and has to learn to be dependent on the owner to let it out so it can take care of its needs, rather than "ya gotta go when ya gotta go." The pastor even animated the dog's whining sound to punctuate his point, I presume which was that God "housebreaks" us in the same way. In my heart, I do not want to be pathetic like that dog. But instead of going on a rant about how offensive that image and comparison was to me, I'll reflect and see if there's something that I can grab onto in spite of that image.

Another conviction: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I got into talking about the "Me Too" movement. Our conversation was cordial and enlightening for the both of us (I believe). Even as we traded thoughts, I believe largely in agreement and understanding, one thing that jumped out to me was that each of us naturally took the position of our sex. Understandably her position focused more on the difficulty that victims of abuse -- both sexual and domestic violence -- have, not only in undergoing it but also in making the choice to come forward. Even though I've never been in that position, having experienced different forms of PTSD (which all abuse victims absolutely experience), I can understand both the long road to recovery, and the long road of recovery.

My position was about the difficulty of how to exact justice against the abuser. My primary question regarded the fairness of deciding that such a person can never earn an honest living again. My primary concern is and continues to be balancing proper justice for the abused, with allowing the abuser a chance to still have a life if he is truly repentant. For all the issues that many non-Christians and former church-goers rightly express about many Christian churches (and wrongly express about the Bible), one thing I have not found the world doing better than what is in Scripture is balancing justice with forgiveness. The world wants only justice, and makes no room for a person to be restored if he is truly repentant. And so on.

It dawned on me that I evidently tend to empathize with the abuser (maybe because in most cases it is a man; and I too am a man). There's more to think on, but I felt a great amount of sorrow after our time connecting wrapped up for the night. Sorrow for other things that came up that I'm not ready to describe. And also sorrow over re-discovering freshly my own stubborn desire for how I want my life to be and to go, and its incongruity with where not only the world (and more immediately our country) is now, but also where the Kingdom of Heaven is now, and God's plan for the universe at this stage in history. Sorrow that, despite my own heart cries, there are some things about my life that flat-out will not happen.

Another conviction: A sermon at my girlfriend's church this past Sunday focused on the question: "what is your preferred future?" followed by the challenging question: "what is God's preferred future?" and more to the point, "what is God's preferred future for your life?" (I don't think this was asked, but the final question I sensed was: "will you surrender your idea of your preferred future and let God have His preferred future, wholly and completely, in your life?") I didn't realize that some of the sorrow I described last paragraph was going to become pierced again after hearing this message. But it did.

Other Bible verses:

Joel 2:12-14: (Rend Your Heart)

12 “Even now,” declares the Lord,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
13 Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
14 Who knows? He may turn and relent
and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
for the Lord your God.

Joel 2:18-20: (God's Jealousy)

18 Then the Lord was jealous for his land
and took pity on his people.
19 The Lord replied to them:

“I am sending you grain, new wine and olive oil,
enough to satisfy you fully;
never again will I make you
an object of scorn to the nations.

20 “I will drive the northern horde far from you,
pushing it into a parched and barren land;
its eastern ranks will drown in the Dead Sea
and its western ranks in the Mediterranean Sea.
And its stench will go up;
its smell will rise.”

Surely he has done great things!

There is a devotional for each of the passages from the Book of Joel that have been sitting there, waiting for me to answer them. They're each still stinging me right now. I'll get to them eventually.

After such a long post, I feel I should at least try to have some sort of conclusion to wrap this up for now. But I don't. Not really, because the story is in the middle somewhere.

Reviewing my philosophy on rain

My girlfriend loves rain.

Given where she's originally from, it makes complete sense. There is a deep ingrained belief in her culture and in her family that rain is not only a sign of blessings, but a sign of impending, guaranteed -- and possibly immediate -- blessings.

Where I'm from, by contrast, I've learned that rain is good because it waters the plants, waters the lawn, waters the trees, and most importantly, waters the crops. (Although in each case, we have created workarounds to keep everything we want watered even when it doesn't rain. But that's besides the point.)

Bottom line, I've always been a sunny-day person. Give me a sunny day anytime. Especially when we get to the months of November, December, and January, when in Chicago we can have a week or two  of clouds every day. And I mean, just clouds. Plus, seasonal affective disorder is a real thing. I notice, especially once we hit October, not only how much shorter the days are, but how rapidly they're getting shorter. With that, when I think about a day with rain in the forecast all day long, I typically don't jump for joy because it means we're going to have a dark day in the sky. Plus I have to put on a raincoat, and all that jazz.

My blog post, however, is about revisiting it. One thing about my girlfriend's faith that I like is how rain -- and the history of her culture's attitude about it -- enables her to quickly and immediately trust God. And we've often had a conversation where I'll be out and about, and it rains -- sometimes it even monsoons -- and her immediate response is: "blessings are coming your way, babe!"

Like today.

We've had rain off and on throughout the day. A couple hours ago as I was leaving work for the day, we were having a downpour, as shown in the video. Even with a raincoat, my shirt and arms still got quite wet. In fact, she was the reason I even shot a video, because I knew she would love seeing it.

Shifting my philosophy on rain though is still like moving the Titanic. (Thank goodness there's no iceberg this time though!) I appreciate it more now. In many lands and cultures, people's lives and livelihoods still do depend on the weather. And often the reference around rain as a blessing or harbinger of blessings is used across the Bible. (And similarly, drought, for the opposite reasons.) I am able to make the connection between physical rain, and rain as a metaphor for good things that God might have in store.

My choosing to believe that it automatically means God's blessings are on their way is still 50/50 at best. Last Tuesday, I had an experience that, a few days later, gave reason for my skepticism. I had a chance encounter at my bank with someone who had a gig opportunity for me (we even verbally set up a framework for it, including pay, time spent performing, start and end time, and vaguely, location), and there was a downpour outside at the time. In the end, the gig never happened. I even called the guy three times over a period of a couple days, and emailed him -- no response whatsoever. I'm still scratching my head on that. As such, you can see why I'm not yet convinced. But it's a nice thought, and moreso I am able to connect that physical rain does mean that someone is being blessed, even if it's only the plants, crops, and people who are truly rain-lovers.

I imagine that someday I will tap more and more into the joy that my girlfriend finds with rain. I don't think I'll ever completely shift from being a sunny-day person to a rainy-day person. But I imagine that my appreciation can and will still deepen. That works for me.

One final note: today marks 13 months since she and I first connected, and 12 months since our first phone call. The above photo marks the park where I was for that phone call, and -- surprise! -- on the sign is written "Rain Garden."

Reviewing Cubs' struggles post-WS title

I even dreamed about it last night, after I was already inspired to write a blog post once I awoke. I dreamed that the Chicago Cubs were about to lose another game, this time to the Cincinnati Reds (supposedly a "lowly" team in the dream), but mid-game they acquired about two or three no-name, good-field, contact-hitting ballplayers. Maybe even a pitcher or two. They then came back to win the game. And of course, it was on the road.

That's the 2019 Cubs in a nutshell: they're great at home, but terrible on the road.

Their home record is 41-19.

Their road record is 23-39.

Because of their great home record, they're in first place in the National League Central with a record of 64-58, ahead of the Milwaukee Brewers and St. Louis Cardinals.***

But, because of their lousy road record, not only are they way behind the other two division leaders (the Los Angeles Dodgers' record is 82-42 and they are 19 1/2 games up on the second-place team in their division (wow!!); the Atlanta Braves' record is 72-52 and they are 4 1/2 games up on the second-place team in their division), but they are struggling to hold off the Brewers and Cardinals for first place in their own division.

Prior to 2016, in a year when the Cubs were having a good season, any little signs of mortality would throw me into a fit of fear and anxiety, as if, "there's no way they can win the world series this year!" As if that were a world-ending thing. And prior to 2016, it was.

I'll be honest: I have a hard time seeing them win the National League pennant, let alone the world series. The Dodgers are too good -- that is, if the Cubs even advance to the National League Championship Series to face them -- and their likely first-round opponent, Atlanta, will likely have home-field advantage, based on what I expect to be a better win-loss record once the season ends. Which bring me back to my first point:

For the Cubs to win, they're going to have to win on the road. Just the first round of the playoffs will find them having more road games than home games. Yikes. Not to mention the gauntlet of facing the Dodgers, and then, if they beat them, either the Houston Astros or New York Yankees, both of whom are having great seasons as teams.

We are late enough into the season that I'm led to believe that these are who the 2019 Cubs are: great at home, terrible on the road. Even though they still have most of the same core players from the 2016 championship team, they're really not the same as the 2016 team. Truly, I'm disappointed; given that I deliberately avoided watching more games in the world series, I do hope for another chance someday to this time actually watch the games. But I heard something interesting on the radio yesterday: the question of whether this era of Cubs baseball would be a success even if they don't win another world series; and the answer being a resounding "yes." It is that that I'm choosing to hang on to, and as such learn to be ok with this year's Cubs team as is.

Will the 2019 Cubs win the world series? Unlikely. Will they even get better on the road before the season ends? I also say, unlikely. But I've decided that that's ok. These guys aren't the 2016 team, and having a world series title three years ago is much better than having a 111-year title drought. And Cubs fans everywhere will continue to give God thanks (whether or not they believe in Him) for the one. 2016 was our moment in the sun, and those of us who were alive then to experience it will forever have that.

***As I went back and checked the records, it turns out that as of today, August 17th, the Cubs aren't even in first place in their division: the St. Louis Cardinals, with a record of 64-56, is one game ahead of them. Case in point.

This is the world we live in

After binge-blogging in June, I needed a break. Yes, I did end up posting six times in July, but three of those were pre-scheduled. While I see that I've been able to respond to a couple blogging challenges already (Lenten devotionals in March and April, checking in with devotionals and other thoughts during the fast in May and June), I've also needed time away, to not think about blogging. It takes time, and more importantly, energy to write. I surmise that if it hadn't been for the pre-scheduled posts, I may not have written the other posts. Who knows?

I'm still turning myself back toward blogging, this attempt at writing and, through just practicing writing and deciding if I like what I see once I've posted it as a way to coach myself how to write better in the future, self-actualization as a writer (perhaps). But this past weekend shook a lot of things up. A white guy opened fire targeting persons of Mexican descent in El Paso, Texas, and another guy opened fire on others in Dayton, Ohio. Both incidents were within a day of one another. A co-worker I talked to earlier today admitted that, even though she was trying to be strong, this affected her. (She's a non-believer.) My church yesterday had this as our prayer at the end of the service, and when I went onto Facebook later yesterday, many people from my church posted articles, links, videos, and other comments about their outrage not only at the events, but at the current US president and the state of this country.

I still don't like politics. I don't really have the energy to go into deep posting and deep thinking about all the craziness and evil going on in this world. My fault in this whole mess is that I'm not "in the know" enough. (Translation: bordering on ignorant.) I don't go read political websites or newspapers. I choose not to, because, as I've seen in others that I know, reading the news every day has affected them negatively. I don't want to be ignorant, but I don't want to be depressed, either. The fact is, this is the world we live in. Not just our country. My girlfriend has reminded me from time to time that the interpersonal issues, particularly between different groups of people, this is nothing new, and nothing unique to the United States of America. It happens everywhere: Europe, South America, Central America, Africa, the Middle East, Southern Asia, Eastern Asia, Northern Asia, Western Asia, Australia... And my statement isn't to minimize what's going on here in Chicago. Or Dayton. Or El Paso. Rather, it's to see what goes on here for what it is, and then multiply it across the globe several times over. And yes, it is depressing.

So then, as a Bible-believing, trying-to-follow-Jesus-but-still-have-my-own-hangups Christian, what should my response be to encourage others?

First off, to not minimize the pain, anger, fear, and grief. Romans 12:15 (NIV) states: Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Second off, to bring focus and clarity as to what time period we are in, Biblically, my first response would be to point to the Book of Revelation. However, I understand that there are those who happen to be curious about God and Jesus but are put off by the Bible, especially the idea that it is correct, historical, and authoritative. As such, pointing them to the Book of Revelation is hard. (For you who identify with what I just described, here's a secret: there are even those who have truly given their lives to Jesus who are scared of the Book of Revelation too! It's not just you!)

So, to begin, I'll instead point you to a passage where Jesus Himself talks about it. (I've found that sometimes reading a passage where it is clear "Jesus said" can help bridge that gap somewhat between "I'm curious about Jesus because I like what he said" and "I don't trust the Bible.")

3 As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?” 

4 Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. 5 For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. 6 You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7 Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8 All these are the beginning of birth pains. 

9 “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10 At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11 and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12 Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13 but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come. 

Matthew 24:3-14, NIV

I didn't want this blog post to get super-long, and it's already getting to that point. The above passage is part of a much longer passage where Jesus pointed things out to His disciples, to which they then asked Him some questions, to which the above passage is a portion of His response. (It's even longer than what you see!) There is a sentence early on where the disciples asked "when will this happen?" It's a reference to something that Jesus said a moment earlier, which, if I really want to try to do this passage any justice at all, I would need to devote another blog post or several.

To close this post, and to dare to introduce a verse from the Book of Revelation, I'll just give you this verse as an appetizer: “Look, he is coming with the clouds,” and “every eye will see him, even those who pierced him”; and all peoples on earth “will mourn because of him.” So shall it be! Amen. Revelation 1:7, NIV

You might not see this as comforting, but I choose to. Simply put -- and to delve in more detail in a future post -- the thought of Jesus coming again means that all the [censored] in this world will finally come to an end. No more bombings, no more shootings, no more genocide, no more weeping, no more pain, no more racism, no more sexual abuse, no more exploitation of any kind, and more. The fact of Jesus coming again at some point will mean an end to everything. And it will someday be the world that we will live in. But not yet. We still have to put up with this world, and all the sin (both our own and others'), for awhile longer.

For now -- still --  this is the world we live in.