I broke one of my re-entry rules last post: I spent most of it talking about me. However, I choose to publish it anyway. I think one of the things that have turned off non-Christians about Christians is how we often aren't transparent enough with them. Yes, we must use discretion regarding what we share, how much, and with whom exactly (the opposite problem being that we can be taken advantage of re: personal stories). However, even the Bible records this as having happened:
“He trusted in the Lord, let Him rescue Him; Let Him deliver Him, since He delights in Him!” Psalm 22:8, NKJV
He trusted in God; let Him deliver Him now if He will have Him; for He said, ‘I am the Son of God.’ ” Matthew 27:43, NKJV
Both men publicly made known their trust in the God of the Bible, and in both cases it was also public knowledge their trials, to the point of people mocking both of them. And yet, they remained close with God, because they both had that kind of close relationship with Him. The first man was King David, with whom he had many encounters with Him, through killing Goliath, evading Saul, writing music, and consulting with Him over whether to go to war with someone or not. The second man, well, was Jesus, who, also being God Himself, was so close with Him that they were always in lockstep with one another.
I cannot compare to either man, not to King David, and certainly not to Jesus. However, at least like King David, I've used music composition as a way of communing with Him, whether through me praying and asking based on what's in my heart, or through God's word, absorbing the text so that God Himself is speaking to me even as I set His word to music. Because I have a habit of forgetting God so quickly when challenges come, this is likely what happens:
Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Mark 4:16-17, NIV
Or this:
Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Mark 4:18-19, NIV
And I also relate to this a lot (the metaphor of forgetting what I look like after stepping away from a mirror):
Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. James 1:23-24, NIV
I say all this not to boast in any of this, but rather to be transparent about the struggle that I often have found myself in in regards to my faith. The response I have often gotten from God in my prayer life, is to learn to love His commandments. Psalm 19:7-13 and Psalm 119 (literally, all of it) have been reminders as such from time to time. Deuteronomy 5:6-21 was a recent one. The bottom line of this is simply to get over (or off of) myself, and on to Him. So what if I think I cannot do this one thing? The command is to surrender my cares and worries over to Him (1 Peter 5:7) and to trust Him with all my heart regardless, leaning not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). I'm getting goosebumps just as I'm writing this out. That's how I know this is true. Still -- the struggle.
I suspect that this may be a big part of why God prompted me on New Year's Day to begin a Bible study this year. There was a separate circumstance going on at the time that had been getting me down, and between God's prompting and my wanting to do something about this circumstance, beginning this group (really, two groups) was my way of creating a space for me and a few others to get together, study the Word, and encourage and pray for one another. While that circumstance has now long passed, I'm realizing that by taking on the responsibility of leading two Bible studies I have no choice but to get over myself and instead to be there for others. I'm realizing the same thing with the regularly-scheduled phone calls I have with friends (I've been having these calls for years now, so nothing new). Lately I too have struggled with wanting to make time for them due to wanting to "shut down" after a long day at work. But, in each case, whether with the Bible studies or with these one-on-one calls, I've also regularly been hearing encouraging words about how us getting together to connect has been blessing them and lifting them up. This past week in particular, one of the men my age at my church intentionally approached me after the service was over to tell me how much our Bible study and especially prayer time was blessing him. It was good to hear, and I was glad to connect with him, but it wasn't until later that I began piecing it together how, along with everything else, this was a sign that God was using me (and simply my willingness to be available) to impact these men's lives.
I say all this to say that one of the things I believe God is also teaching me is that, by being willing to put myself aside, He is doing good things around me, and that even I am blessed in this as well. I can get so deep in my own tunnel hole that I forget the faith that I need to keep moving and receiving what God wants to bless me with (and which He has already told me).
As such, both Bible studies are still meeting, and while not everyone can make it every time (we've basically never had more than three people per meeting, myself included, and the in-person Bible study has been just me and one other person the last couple months), it is clear that God wants to and is doing something with these meetings.
A final note: just for the reader's understanding, I am not posting all these Bible verses in my posts and talking about all these deep but foundational Bible truths to impress you with how much I know and talk about the Bible. If anything, I'm harping on this to get this through to myself so I actually do the things that I profess to do. I could care less how well I appear to know the Bible and what God wants to get through to me, so long as, between Him and me, I actually know and do what He wants to get through to me.
Moving onward. Pray for me that I don't forget everything during the upcoming week that I am currently remembering. Pray for me also, circumstantially, that I am able to do all that work throws at me in the coming week, because I am anticipating an even higher workload and even higher deadlines. I need to get through it and hopefully show all those that I work with that I can be reliable and counted upon to get the work done. But it first begins with an attitude shift on my part.