If I'm honest, my discipline has faltered much in the last month. My reading has been sporadic. I've been busy, overwhelmed, and exhausted most of the time. Even in my commitment to posting sermon notes from church I have been slower to post, and have had to find alternate measures of reducing aspects of the workload, so that I won't completely drop off from posting my notes. These sermons are life-giving, because my pastor regularly has shown humility in his walk with God, and that he regularly yields to what God wants him to preach to us about. As such, I know that these sermons are God's messages for us, His congregation at this particular church, for this time. These messages are life.
Work has ramped up in terms of taking on new challenges. We've taken on a new client, which means extra learning, extra studying of different items and skills so that we can appropriately support this client with their needs at this point in time. I'm not yet at the point of working regular overtime (I think I just went half an hour over this past week), but I've been feeling fear and exhaustion as I choose to push through the work, because, after all, I'm still paid through the temp agency. I want to be able to show that I can stick, to the point of having steady work, and all that comes with it. But I also have something else:
6 Be strong and of good courage, for to this people you shall divide as an inheritance the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. 7 Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go. 8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -- Joshua 1:6-9, NKJV
Although I'll admit that the day I first read this, I went off my reading plan to do so, I still felt like this was God speaking this to me. For my in-person Bible study for March (we met last week), I felt like God highlighted this as one of the passages for us to study. And then, the next time we had church, this was one of the focal passages from our pastor's sermon. So even in the face of fear and uncertainty, I know what the response must be: BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. It feels good to have that kind of backup. For a long time, my feelings dictated what I did or how I responded. If something was scary, I didn't do it. Period. And I realize that a big part of it was that I didn't feel I had sufficient backup in case I took the risk and it didn't go well. Now, if something feels scary, but then I hear God saying "I want to bless you," followed by "be strong and courageous," sorry fear, you're not running the show this time.
I'm continuing to move out of my apartment in Evanston. I don't want to say too much, but this has been another example of walking in faith. I pray that I'm doing the right thing by doing this. Feedback I've received from older adults that I respect and value has consistent affirmed this. Even the Word of God affirms this as well, which my pastor pointed out once:
18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” 19 Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.
21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
23 And Adam said:
“This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.”
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
But deep down I've had my struggles, due to risks, costs, and uncertainty involved. That said: BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. That, and I've been witnessing and experiencing encouragement regarding moving closer toward the point of proposing marriage to my love. What is yet in the way is a baseline that must be reached, one that my love and I have agreed on for quite a while now. Moving out means taking another step toward preparing for married life down the road, but because of the risks, costs, and uncertainty involved, it reminds me to continue praying and not to stop.
Blogging-wise, due to the aforementioned busy-ness, the overwhelm, and the exhaustion, I've not had as much opportunity to blog freely about what I'm reading in the Word, or anywhere else for that matter. But, I will mention that in the tiny amount of spare time that I do have, I have been working on a project that will arrive on this blog in a matter of a few months. I've resurrected the "Faraway State of Mind" series. At least two, if not three, posts will be added to the current cycle. I've gone back and forth and written drafts about how to explain my history with story-writing (and subsequent public revelation thereof) and I'm coming to the conclusion that it's pointless to try to explain it all. There's a lot more to this story series' inception than I will likely ever reveal, but suffice to say it served a purpose back in 2010 and 2011 in terms of trying to come to terms with existence banes that were stuck in my craw, and it will once again serve a similar purpose. Of course, the characters are fictional, but they also draw on real-life figures, and on occasion I will meld characters into one another, either for simplicity's sake, or because it will serve the overall story arc better. And of course, sometimes I will flat-out invent something about the character, because I don't want it to be too obvious who the story is talking about, should anyone I know come across it, particularly when the story is being used to process something negative that's still, well, stuck in my craw.
Meanwhile, my priorities continue to shift, and some things I've had to put aside will return to the plate, while other things I had been able to put on the plate due to the previous things I've put aside, will have to leave once more.
Life is picking up again. With God's help, I'm able to keep up. I will continue to do what I can about the daily Bible-reading, considering the passage from the book of Joshua mentions the importance of staying in and meditating on God's Word day and night. So that cannot go away. Even though my discipline regarding the reading program has come and gone, I do like to think that overall I am doing much better with at least reading something from the Bible than I ever have before.
