Another year, another summer rapidly coming to a close. As I
begin this note, the temperatures are still (barely) summer-like, but the
rapidly shortening sunlight hours are already noticeable. I’m noticing that
this particular end of summer is hitting me harder than usual. It’s not the
case every year, but I have noticed how, depending especially on what is going
on in my life, some years are harder than others. And this happens to be one of
them.
Seasonal affective disorder is a real thing. In
conversations with various different people on this topic, I have noticed and
experienced a real depression related to the withdrawal of light. It has even
been advised in certain medical fields that one should take or increase their
current dosage of vitamin D, especially in the fall and winter months. In two
separate years a few years ago, I myself have even noticed a sudden “switching
off of the lights” in the atmosphere sometime during the first week of October,
between both the rapid loss of light and the changing weather patterns. I have
often noticed, especially in more recent years, September as still somewhat of
a “summer” month, due to still a high number of sunny days and daytime
temperatures remaining in the 70s, but October as the month when the fall
clouds roll in to stay, and daytime temperatures dropping to the 50s (or even
the 40s on some days). I have even previously mentioned on this blog how much I
specifically dislike October: I believe I’ve even gone as far to say that,
except for one day out of the month (my dad’s birthday), I would be fine with
skipping the other 30 days. September still brings warmth, November brings
Thanksgiving, and December brings Christmas, but October brings nothing of
value to me.
(And for those wondering, no, I don’t commemorate let alone
celebrate Halloween. That’s a post for another time.)
Childhood: choir camps and the returns to New York
When I was a child, the end of summer marked two things: 1.
choir camp, and 2. returning to school for the next year. Now don’t get me
wrong, I absolutely loved choir camp every year I went. In fact, I would say it
was the highlight of my summer. However, on that final Sunday, after we’d
already packed up and left the camp and gone to sing at a local church in the
next town over, I would suddenly notice how the sun, the sky, and the air all
suddenly looked and felt different. The end of choir camp, on so many levels,
not only marked at the end of summer but also the beginning of going back to
school.
One other layer related to returning to school is that four
of those years marked a return to the boarding school in New York City that I
attended. There, it wasn’t only returning to school, it was also leaving my
family, friends and community in Chicago, to spend the next nine months with an
entirely different group. As a loyal person who struggled with homesickness,
there was a lot about being in New York away from home that didn’t sit right
with me. As a result, it would take many years, with the help of my counselor
and support group, for me to recognize that those New York years were actually
the best-case scenario for me on so many other levels that I wasn’t able to
understand let alone appreciate at the time. To this day, I remain grateful for
those boarding school years and the memories that I have. But what also remains
is a very primal knowing that the end of the summer would bring – and brought –
loss. I believe I still feel that to this day.
High school and college
High school, and especially college, felt different. I know
that the main factor behind why it was so was because I had gone through
puberty and was back in a coed environment. While the summer times brought a
combination of solitude and isolation, the school years brought a combination
of change, work, and social opportunities (it also brought a heaping pile of
both parts excitement and anxiety as such, neither of which I had any knowledge
of how to handle). I think college I was more excited for fall than for summer,
because I was a little more mature than I was in high school, and I did have a
little more help. As such, I might categorize the four summers leading up to
each new year in college, as well as the summer after I graduated, as
exceptions to this rule.
Adult years: how I (temporarily) conquered the ends of
summer
Then, for many years after college, I didn’t really have the
same sense of finality of one season and commencement of the next. Whether I
was working at an office job or working for my own music businesses and
endeavors, during this period there was a lot of consistency in my schedule
regardless of the season. Also, during this time, I was privileged to go on a
variety of day trips and overnight trips with friends to different locations
that I had never explored before. And for a few years during this time, I was
even intentional about using the fall season, usually in October of all months,
to go on vacation (usually a week, sometimes less). This was intentional on my
part because I knew what fall portended for me, and because I knew there was
something I could do to change that. And I took advantage of that.
Obviously, meeting by now-wife and going through Covid in
the same year changed a lot of that. I remember early in our relationship my
commenting about how I liked fall because of the foliage and the colors. She’s
the opposite: she loves spring and hates fall. Also, she comes from a family
that never travels except once every dozen years or so to see a small handful
of relatives who lived in another state (and in fact, the vast majority of her
relatives, past and present, all lived in the Chicago area; as such, no need to
travel long distances to visit family). That said, during the courtship, we
found ways to enjoy the summer and “treat ourselves” in free or very
inexpensive ways. The most memorable thing was going to a swimming pool at the
condo complex at which a church friend lived. It only cost the price of
gasoline used to drive there and back. We did that about three or four times
over the span of a couple years. Also, one of those years included a rare trip
to this other state where a small pocket of her relatives lived, a family
reunion that came together after apparently many years of not having visited,
because my now-mother-in-law decided we would make the drive out there. That
was fun and a nice short getaway. Then of course the honeymoon the week after
my wife and I married. Any sting of the end of that particular summer was muted
because it was our first year of everything as a married couple, which overrode
everything. Everything, that is, until…
This year: ongoing health problems and a monthlong layoff at
the peak of summer
I will begin with a confession: I did two very stupid things
last fall, for which, as of this blog post, I am still paying the price.
1. For two months I stopped taking a key medication because
I decided to do an anti-parasitic cleanse (for those two months), and I feared
that continuing said medication might interfere with the effectiveness of the
cleanse. I later learned that not only would that medication not have
interfered with it, but a subsequent blood test last winter revealed beyond a
shadow of a doubt that I had no parasites. That means the cleanse was either
successful or unnecessary. To this day, I doubt I will ever know which it was.
2. While I was still off that medication, I decided upon my
wife’s request to treat her to a pumpkin spice latte, which we both consumed. A
week later, I treated her to the same yet again, although by this time, it was
late enough in the fall season that the peppermint mocha promotions had begun
as well. I got her both, and I also partook in consuming both. Between the two
very stupid errors began to this date the worst flareup I’ve ever had, in large
part because it is still ongoing, more than nine months later, even with doctor
intervention.
In June, I had my annual colonoscopy in which the biopsies
revealed that my colon was at metaplasia. I praise and thank God that it is not
the C word, but this stage is about two stages before stage 1 of the C word. In
other words, as if it weren’t serious enough before, it is very serious now.
During this time, one key piece of wool that had been over my eyes regarding
this particular gut condition, that finally got removed, is that I’ve actually
been with this condition six years since my first lengthy flare up and
colonoscopy. My previous thinking was that, every time I got better from a
previous flare up, I was “fully recovered” and could go back to eating and
drinking the same things I was consuming before (coffee being the main
culprit!). Now, I’m off coffee for life and have been since last November, and
although I’ve been weaning myself gradually off by drinking Matcha tea, I may
be finally approaching a place where I could function without caffeine every
day. And if that is finally the case, I might need to also be off caffeine for
life as well. This is that serious.
Amid all these health challenges and struggles, one major
provisional blessing is that I have been privileged by the grace of God to have
a completely remote job at which I’ve been working since September 2021. It’s
in a field that was completely new to me when I first started. I am now approaching
four years at this job, although when I apply for other work, I have to be more
realistic about my experience with handling different tasks. Working at a
consulting firm has had both its blessings and pitfalls. The blessings are that
I have been privileged to gain experience across multiple areas of the job
field, depending on the client needs. The downside is that, although I’ve been
four years at this job, I cannot say that I have four years of experience in
every aspect of the field. When I’ve applied for work, I have had to clarify
about how I have two years of experience in one area, three years of experience
in another area, and a year and a half in a third area. Again, this all stems
to providing whatever my client needed.
So, you the reader might be wondering why all of a sudden
I’m talking about applying for work when I have been blessed to have the job
that I have had for the last four years. The answer in this lies in that my
boss informed me in the middle of June (thankfully, after my colonoscopy!) that
they were laying me off due to their inability to renew the contract with the
client that I was supporting. Gratefully, he gave me a five-week notice,
meaning that they would still continue to pay me while I looked for work, also
allowing a chance for my employer and the client to get a deal done. (I guess
two weeks’ notice is customary for a layoff?) During that five-week period,
which ultimately stretched to six weeks, I applied to over 160 jobs, got about
10 to 12 interviews (although half of those were with recruiters). Somehow, not
once did I get a second interview let alone a job offer. To make matters more
interesting, at around the three or four-week mark, when I took a rare step of
asking the colleague to be a reference, he informed me (he had knowledge
because he was also supporting the same client) that contract negotiations had
indeed progressed rapidly and the client was getting ready to have us restart
with them. It was just a matter of finalizing a couple of details before my
employer could officially start invoicing them. However, at the 11th hour,
talks stalled again, and my boss had to unfortunately reverse and notify me of
my final official day (which is why the five-week notice stretched to six
weeks). Ultimately that final day came and went, and my wife and I were bracing
for my period of unemployment.
(What was also hard was that our one-year wedding
anniversary took place after my boss had informed me of my final day, but
before I had met up with him to return my laptops. My wife and I were only able
to have an anniversary dinner equivalent at all because she joined me when I
met up with my boss to have dinner and connect. He of course paid for our meal,
and we regaled him with stories about our wedding day and the wedding planning
saga (kept it professional and mid-level). I do believe that we demonstrated a
form of Christian witness to my boss (who is unsaved) because we were joyful
even as we were bracing for unemployment and uncertainty. We could have been
angry, scared, or sad, but we weren’t.)
I will close the section with another confession: God came
through. He came through in two ways:
1. First, He blocked every attempt of mine to file for
unemployment on the Illinois unemployment website. Over the course of two or
three days I attempted about five or six times and could not get past stage
one. On the Monday, which was to be my first unpaid day, I even placed a phone
call to the unemployment hotline. Of course there was a long line ahead of me
and I likely would’ve been on hold for a few hours, had I not opted to have
them call me back.
2. That afternoon on the Monday, which was to have been my
first unpaid day, I received a phone call from my colleague who I had spoken
with a few weeks prior to request his reference, who told me that we were
starting with the client “tomorrow.” Not only had the contract been signed, but
we were finally cleared to start invoicing them. I told him in response that I had been formally laid off and had already turned my laptop in. He told me that
my name was still in the system. He called my boss to confer, my boss called
me, and the next day I picked up the laptops from his house and started work.
Even more miraculously, when I got my next paycheck, not a cent had been docked
from my pay. At the end, God provided not only by blocking me from collecting
unemployment and by giving my job back, but He also arranged it so that all
those “rumors of wars” never turned into actual war. All those rumors of
unemployment and loss of income never happened. Glory to God.
Where now?
I don’t want to confess poorly, and I do want to confess
well. However, I also am a firm believer that honesty, even brutal, painful
honesty, is a critical ingredient to all of this. God provided, and God came
through. Praise the Lord indeed. However, this summer is not without a lot of
loss. Between the six week period from the middle of June until the end of July
of uncertainty and furious job application, (and I won’t even get into the
psychological impact of daily pushing myself to train myself up to be right in
the head enough to interview properly, which I do believe I was starting to get
there by the end) I lost the best part of summer. One gratitude that I’ve
neglected to share thus far is that, since I got my job back, God has allowed
both my wife and me on two consecutive Friday evenings, to enjoy a dinner out
with two sets of friends, both in which these dinners were a long time coming.
There is still yet more I hope to do and transparently to salvage from the
summer. But I absolutely must be vigilant to not overextend myself due to the
ongoing nature of this gut condition: two steps forward, two steps back. I have
never had a flareup recovery last this long. This is absolutely uncharted
territory for me, and I realize that a big part of why I keep having two steps
back after the two steps forward is because I do some seemingly “small” stupid
thing that resets everything yet again. Since the beginning of May, both my
wife and I have had two other periods of sickness, involving the nasal and
upper respiratory passages. Moreover, my recovery from each period of sickness
has been slow, no doubt because of the gut condition on top of it. The stupid
thing I did most recently, in an attempt to clear my nasal passages, was to
ingest cayenne pepper along with my meal, proven for accomplishing such a task.
Nope, my gut still cannot handle it. That was over two weeks ago.
One of the other subplots regarding that six-week mad dash
to find employment was the uncertainty around my health and wherever I work
next. In this era of RTO (return to office) post-Covid, I have concerns about
how my gut in its current state can handle daily commutes, or even biweekly or
triweekly commutes. It is why, one angle to how I see God’s provision from a
few weeks ago and giving me my job back, was that allowed me to continue
working remotely like I have been doing for the last almost 4 years.
Additionally, what this time of anticipating the layoff revealed to me was
something I sensed, ironically in my gut of all places, that when my client is
done with my employer, my employer will also be done with me. I say this not to
slam my employer; I recognize sometimes this is just how the world works. While
I’m very grateful to have my job back, I also know that this is guaranteed only
for another six months. I have also heard of talk that my client could
potentially extend us all the way to December 2026. It is why the onus is on me
to continue to job search, albeit at a slower pace, and to get back into
schooling to upskill (another thing that the job search revealed to me is that
I absolutely need to boost my skills and credentials!). Although I am
committing to that, I also confess I haven’t started it because I am still
recovering on multiple levels.
I am going to confess well and declare that, based on past
experiences with Jesus, He will indeed provide yet again when my wife and I
need it. He will provide in January/February when this situation comes up yet
again. (At least it’ll be wintertime then.) And if I still have the same job
through December of next year, He will provide again as needed.
Still, I feel a major loss in seeing this summer prepare to
depart. A part of my feeling of major loss is historical; another part of it is
tied to circumstantial events of the last few months (and dating back to last
fall), preventing me the opportunity to enjoy this past summer; and yet another
part is due to the awareness that, depending on how my physical health
(specifically my gut) progresses into the future, there is a very real
possibility that I may not have a whole lot of summers left. I of course pray
and speak against that in the name of Jesus, of course, knowing that He is Lord
and God overall. And by the same token, because He is Lord and God over all, He
is also therefore sovereign. Ultimately His will will be done, in all aspects
of my life, regardless of what happens.
Conclusions
Regardless, each lost summer represents an even greater loss
for me. And one can argue that it is a form of trial. As a disclosure, my life
has been marked with trials, all the way back to conception. I really do think
the amount of time in my life spent in a trial far outweighed the time spent
when there wasn’t an ongoing challenge. And I have always hated trials, in
large part because my prayer all these years to have a good life. As such, these
trials represent the reality that there was a lot wrong with my life. And my
wife – God bless her – she has her own trials as well (I won’t be getting into
those). We have had a few friends (born-again believers, even!) tell us, when
we’ve told them about the things going on in our lives, even going back to before
we had gotten married: “you guys are newlyweds! You should be enjoying your
marriage, not having to go through all of these different hardships!” (my
paraphrase, of course)
🤷
I title this post a “retrospective” instead of a “memory
stone” or, alternatively worded, a “stone from memory lane” because I’m not
sure what to do with this. For the sake of this blog, what I’ll only disclose
is that struggling is and has been a part of not only life but also Christian
life. The closest example I can think of is Apostle Paul’s multiple references
to the war between the flesh and the spirit:
First, the flesh is at war with the Spirit.
17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and
the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other,
so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the
Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality,
impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy,
fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness,
orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like
this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have
crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the
Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Galatians
5:17-25, NIV
Second, Paul details his own struggle, even though he was
born again in Christ:
13 Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no
means! Nevertheless, in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it used what
is good to bring about my death, so that through the commandment sin might
become utterly sinful.
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual,
sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do
I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I
agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it,
but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in
me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but
I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I
do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to
do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good,
evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;
23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind
and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a
wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?
25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in
my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
Romans
7:13-25, NIV
Third, Paul gives instruction on what to do in response:
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are
in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives
life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was
powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his
own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he
condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the
law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but
according to the Spirit.
5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set
on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit
have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the
flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The
mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law,
nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in
the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if
anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But
if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of
sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of
him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from
the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who
lives in you.
12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an
obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you
live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to
death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
Romans
8:1-13, NIV
I’m at this point in life now where, as someone who is the
oldest he has ever been (and as someone where this will be the youngest he ever
again will be in this lifetime), maybe for the first time ever in my life, I do
not have a picture whatsoever for the future. When I was in school, my picture
always included the next graduation, continuing for however many graduations
after that. Even after I finished college, my picture included eventually going
to grad school but starting a life in Minnesota. When that fell apart, my
picture included latching on to a 9-to-5 and finding a girlfriend (partner).
When that fell apart, my picture focused on two main things: 1. Working on myself
to heal and become a better person than I had been, and 2. Taking this big risk
starting my own business in music. And then, when that fell apart… well, it did
finally yield to a serious dating prospect which has since led to marriage. And
it also yielded yet another career change which included returning to school to
upskill. But, two upskilling interruptions later, plus settling into a marriage
where we are still surviving even with all the love that is present… I don’t
have a picture for what the rest of my life looks like. We’re not sure we want
kids (we’re also not sure we don’t). We’re not sure we want a house (we’re also
not sure we don’t). And given the fragility of my body, which I’ve become
sharply more aware over the last year especially (but also over the last 4-5
years), I have no idea how long I have to live. As such, it makes it very hard to plan.
To wit:
“Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let
me know how fleeting my life is.”
Psalm
39:4, NIV
Plus what the Bible instructs us to pray:
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of
wisdom.
Psalm
90:12, NIV
And finally, more wisdom for how we should approach life:
“Two things I ask of you, Lord;
do not refuse me
before I die:
Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither
poverty nor riches,
but give me only
my daily bread.
Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, ‘Who is
the Lord?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor
the name of my God.
Proverbs
30:7-9, NIV
I pray and plan for happiness, but God wants holiness. (“Be
holy, because I am holy.” 1
Peter 1:16, NIV) The reality is that the Christian life is a struggle, and
anyone who says otherwise is a liar. This isn’t the first summer (or even
extended season of life) that I’ve had stolen from me, and as much as I might
protest, it likely will not be the last. Fall is almost here, and winter is
once again on its way afterward. My wife hates it more than I do, but I’m not fond
of it, either, especially since I haven’t been able to do the things that I
once was able to employ to make fall a season of enjoying rather than wallowing
in the death of the warm season. But because the Christian walk is supposed to
be about imitating Jesus and living our lives for Him, and not for our own
enjoyment (although these two don’t have to be mutually exclusive), sometimes
even the greatest things God gives us in one season get snatched away from us
the next. To wit:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will
depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of
the Lord be praised.”
Job
1:21, NIV
Above all, it’s about praising God.
