I was recently going through an old journal that I had forgotten I had had. I must've found it when going through old emails, trying to determine what I could delete. It was an old computer journal that I had kept at home (originally on my mom's computer) during my college years. Overall, the document is a sad and strange time capsule, and a file I may seriously consider deleting, even despite the fact that I generally love saving old records and stories. I remember when I first re-started this blog in 2019, one of my rules was that I would not share too much about myself (or at the very least, not without it having a purpose for the reader, and for sure not without it also pointing to where God showed up). I made this rule, citing the truth that my blogging in the first few post-college years was churning out posts of "TMI" personal pain. And many of those posts did indeed cross a line in this respect. (It's also the reason I haven't re-released them on the blog when I re-started it in 2019!) Having said that, when I recently came across this computer journal after not having seen it for almost two decades, the contents revealed to me just how tame my blogging was by comparison! (And for the record, I didn't read intently most of the document; I only skimmed it and slowed down to read anything that might be interesting to me now, which honestly wasn't very much.)
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
The verse above is my "case in point" reference. I do not want to go back to what I used to be. I still have many different struggles in life now, but thanks to Jesus I am much further ahead than I ever could have hoped for back then. And as such, this computer journal will need to stay in the past, including the possibility of deleting all traces of the file outright. That all said, one of the few portions I came across that is of interest to me now is the below portion of an entry I wrote on July 17, 2007. This made my eyes go wide:
Even more amazing was the fact that, during this time, I was beginning to wander in rebellion. I hadn't yet turned away from Him outright, but I would do so within months of writing the above excerpt. Hitting bottom wouldn't occur for another couple years at least.
One key point that the above didn't capture: the significance of my being an aardvark was that the animals were going to be filtered (i.e. sorted) alphabetically. This meant that, as an aardvark, I was first in line on the judgment block. Naturally, I would be more freaked out than if I had been, say, a zebra. But what got me the most was that last complete sentence: God's mercy. Just trust in Him and live for Him, in service to Him (and Him only) and I will be fine.
[Yes, I'm aware of the grammatical error in that key sentence. I believe I must've left out the word "was" between "and" and "told." Also, if I could've gone back, I would've re-languaged a few other things in the excerpt: "sort" instead of "filter;" and "somehow God reached out to me, and told me that..." before finishing the rest of the sentence as constructed. This clearly was a dump draft, and because it was a private journal I didn't care ever to go back and make the sentences communicate clearly what I actually intended to say.]
I desire to do what I've been told I need to do, and I also know much more how impossible it is for me to do that, certainly on my own strength. And I've been going through stuff in life the last several years. But if there's one thing I learn, I hope that it is to still exalt God to His rightful place. He is worthy of it.
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