Music compositional update, part 3

 

To wrap up my compositional update as of the end of 2022, outside of the little matter of writing the fourth movement to the Piano Sonata in F-sharp minor (“The Honeymoon”), there isn’t currently that much in the way of small projects. I will likely always have this goal of setting as much of the Bible to music as possible, as well as other ideas as they come up. As for future piano works, I may take a bit of a break after writing The Honeymoon. Until I began writing the Piano Suite in B-flat major, I hadn’t really done a whole lot in terms of having new piano music (that I could quickly learn to play) since about 2010. The main reason was that, for many years, my attention was focused on developing my craft as a pop song and praise song writer. Now I’m kind of sick and tired of writing piano pieces exclusively in Sonata form, because I’m kind of reaching that “same old, same old” place. As such, I’m looking at what else I could write…

In spring of 2019 I saw a license plate that basically said: symphony. I still didn’t quite understand how to interpret signs, primarily the question of whether it came from God or not. I at least was aware enough at the time to recognize this. However, just to be safe, I sketched out about 2/3 of a slow movement of a symphonic movement, just in case. It has since been sitting on the sidelines, waiting for me to pick it back up again. It still needs a development section and a coda section. And then at least two more movements.

So I could pick that up again. I also still have many sketches in my old sketchbooks that have yet to be developed and finalized into fully-fledged pieces. I do also still have a handful of pop songs that are unfinished that could be worth something. Plus, the Minimalist Piano Sonata in B-flat minor needs two more movements.

Beating around the bush aside, I do have a big project that’s been on my mind and heart off and on for about a year-and-a-half now. I’ve got the basic concepts down, as well as a super-basic overarching format for the whole thing. About a month ago, I felt God impress upon my heart to make Bible verses the center of each part. So, that part of the project is just about done. (I have to finalize a few of the verses and alignment with the right sections.)

However… I’ve never been much for big projects. I know, I sound like Moses when he said this:

But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11, NKJV

Or when he said this:

Then Moses said to the Lord, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.” Exodus 4:10, NKJV

I have my reasons. Primarily, I’ve attempted big projects before, and they are all either barely started or partway done. In 2009 I had this idea to set a bunch of text from Ecclesiastes to music. I included text from Psalms, as well as perhaps another place or two in the Bible. I even had an idea for how the overall structure would go. I began and wrote the first couple pages, and even had choir parts written out for a few verses. And then… nothing. I lost the inspiration, and outside of glancing at old sketches when I came across them, I’ve done absolutely nothing with them since. Also in 2009, I had this idea of setting the opening chapter of the Gospel of John to text. I wrote an overture for string orchestra to set the mood, completed said overture, and then… nothing.

More recently, when I felt God impressing upon me to read through the book of Proverbs, I decided to buffer that by setting the first chapter to music and seeing how far I could go. This was indeed more successful. I have two sections written. And I got deep into the third section. And then… I’m not going to say that the inspiration left me. I dropped the ball this time. I started sketching other stuff and promptly forgot about it. I can still go back, pick up where I left off, and finish it.

And then the above-mentioned symphony.

I think it also important to note that, all of the above occurred before God brought me to my knees in 2019 regarding the music-making area of my life (and really, all parts of my life). Since then, I have been able to finish a Suite and two Sonatas (almost). I have been able to gradually stretch myself toward embarking on larger projects with the focus required to do so, especially considering the other life responsibilities I also have.

There’s also this:

So He said, “I will certainly be with you. And this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.” Exodus 3:12, NKJV (God's response to Moses from Exodus 3:11)

And this:

So the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord? Now therefore, go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall say.” Exodus 4:11-12, NKJV (God's response to Moses from Exodus 4:10)

And this:

Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God. 1 Samuel 30:6, NKJV

This project of which I speak came via a chord – a chord I call IV9, because, well, that’s what it is in Classical Roman numeral theory. I’ll spare you the nerdy-geeky background theory on it, but basically, when I think back on significant seasons in my life, seasons of reflection, seasons of growth, seasons of backsliding, and seasons of being humbled, I see now more of how God was present and active in my life, often in ways that I did not or could not understand then. That chord – IV9 – was also a predominant chord (pun intended) in the songs that I was listening to at the time, often on repeat ad nauseam. I also found fascination in how certain songs I listened to in a certain order, would be linked by a chord such as this.

Another side note: a weird quirk I started incorporating was how I would count the notes on the 88-key keyboard, from the bottom A to the top C, and call the first note #1, and the last note #88. (For reference, middle C is #40.) Anytime I had a birthday, I would find the note that corresponded with my new and current age, and jam on the tune “Happy Birthday” with that as the tonic. Over the years, this resulted in each such improvisation being one half-step higher than the previous year.

As such, this quirk led me to the idea of music moving up a half-step every time I was in a new season of life. And reflecting back to various eras of life, I could actually hear which keys would be appropriate for which seasons. And, wouldn’t you know it, it was actually quite easy for me to arrange them so that as I went from one season of life to the next, the music would go up a half-step.

This is what I began with a year-and-a-half ago. Only a month ago I felt God suggest that I add Bible verses, to which I agreed. As I started praying and searching the Word for appropriate passages, I found that it was easy to find Scriptural passages for certain seasons, because those often were times when I felt God teaching me or impressing something upon me that He deemed important for me to know. Some seasons were easy this way. Others, not so much. With extra prayer and reflection, I’ve been able to (for the most part) find Bible verses that would have approximately fit, oftentimes verses I wasn’t aware of at the time I was going through that season of life, but verses that in retrospect would have made sense.

With the exception of a section or so, that part has now been finalized. And so, it’s time to begin, right?

I began by sketching out the beginning to the second section. I got about 8 bars in, and… the inspiration and motivation failed me again. So, I moved on to sketching other things instead. I think one of my fears of embarking on big projects is that, if the sketches are not already grouped together neatly, I might lose track of where the music goes next. One such fear is the idea of having part of one composition in one sketchbook, and the rest in another. They would be separate and not together, and if I misplaced one sketchbook, then I’ve lost half the piece right there. I do recognize that it is an irrational fear. But it’s there.

However, to close off this post (and this update), here are a few reassuring and encouraging points:

1. I need to remember who I’m doing this for. Am I doing this for God? Or for myself? Or for other people? Who am I doing this for? (Answer: it needs to be for God, and to be used as a vehicle for bringing people to faith, as I alluded to in the first part of this series.
2. All my previous failures were in large part due to trying to do this project entirely on my own strength. This is what I was doing prior to my repentance in 2019. Not that I haven’t still sometimes tried to compose on my own strength (after all, I’ve needed more correction this year), but seeing two of the larger projects, Piano Suite in B-flat major and Piano Sonata in B minor, where I was doing it for God and in His strength, has shown me that I can manage larger projects and see them through to completion.
3. A key part I have been learning regarding collaborating with God, where He supplies the inspiration and I basically try to take dictation as best as I can, is that sometimes the inspiration just will not be there. I’ve had many projects where I started it at one point in time and then finished it a few years later, sometimes as much as a decade later.

Amen! And this likely won’t be the last time I share about this project. Due to its size, I don’t expect it to be anywhere near completed by the time I give another update post (or series thereof).

Music compositional update, part 2

I didn’t originally set out to put this update into two parts, but I felt it necessary due to the necessity of expounding on what I did in the first part. Creativity moves as the Holy Spirit moves. And because I have received Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross as my life-saving lifeline, I have the Holy Spirit in me, which I will confess that even now I forget sometimes. But He is in me and is able to do His thing when I move in obedience to Him.

A brief little catching up, due primarily to the content of my last post, but also because I need to continue to get in the habit of writing about projects that I’ve been working on, am currently working on, and anticipating working on in the future.

As a disclaimer, I must catch myself – again, part of my selfish, sinful nature hopes that by intentionally writing down as much as possible related to the music-making part of my life, it will make it easier for future historians to not only find my music (“my” music) but also any backstory to put the music in context. Selfishly, I hope to be found, if not during my lifetime, then by future generations.

As a side note to the disclaimer, it again is not necessary inherently wrong to have works attributed to my name (but glory given to God’s name) be found. The issue is the motivation of my heart in all this. One other topic I’ve been thinking about is the question of legacy, specifically what I will leave behind.

I had previously thought about expounding much, much further on this topic, but for the sake of brevity and focus, I will simply link you to this Bible passage from Matthew 24:3-31 and highlight the following focus verses below:

And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13, NKJV

For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be. And unless those days were shortened, no flesh would be saved; but for the elect’s sake those days will be shortened. Matthew 24:21-22, NKJV

The point is, one of the points that I am working to reframe my thinking regarding the music-making gift God has given me, in addition to specifically on doing it for His glory, is also for pointing others to Jesus, specifically those who may someday find this music. I’m not sure how close we are to the end times, but world events seem to indicate that the period of tribulation could occur soon, perhaps within my own lifetime. Like Jesus stated in Matthew 24, we don’t know when it will happen, except that it will happen, and that there will be signs to show the generation alive at the time when it does occur. Nonetheless, whatever I leave behind for others to be found, my wish is that it could be something to point people to Jesus, especially in a time when hearts will be hardened and lawlessness will abound.

With that said, here is a summary of notable projects that I have worked on (since repenting in 2019), am working on, and anticipate working on in the future, God willing:

The last bit of 2019:

Improvisation 16 November 2019. Completely instrumental, came at the end of a long day of recording song covers with a singer colleague of mine, as well as a few Classical piano pieces.

Psalms 42 & 43. An improvisation for voice and piano. The only structure I had for this was text from the two Psalms from the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer. This also came at the end of another long day of recording. 

2020:

Improvisation 1 February 2020. Just like from 11/16/2019, this was completely instrumental and came at the end of another long day of recording with another singer colleague of mine, plus a few Classical pieces.

Northbrook Symphony for Piano: III. Minuet - Waltz. An improvisation from 2017, I spent part of my time during the lockdowns transcribing recorded improvisations (including Psalms 42 & 43 and Improvisation 1 February 2020). This was already on one of my albums released on Bandcamp, but I had a goal of beginning to get my work copyrighted, and this included getting recorded improvisations transcribed and notated, so that I could have a copy of the work covered as well.

Our God by Matt Redman and co. This was a cover arrangement. As the COVID situation was getting real in our country, and as churches were moving exclusively online, I recorded my own arrangement of this song as a means of encouraging a few of my friends from my church at the time. This was also one of the first praise & worship songs that resonated with me as I was first returning to attending church regularly after what I call my second exile from church.

Ev’ry Time I Feel the Spirit. This was a cover arrangement. Recording this was inspired by a brief little riff from Improvisation 1 February 2020. Another piece of building up my faith – and that of others – while the shutdowns related to COVID were in place.

Waltz in F major. This was a piano composition arrangement/collaboration with my sweetie pie. When my love and I were first dating, our time spent together was relegated to Zoom during the peak of the COVID shutdowns. One of the many things we did together with the given constraints was collaborate on filling out the accompaniment to a musical sketch that she had written years prior.

O Holy Night. This was a cover arrangement. Similar to Our God and Ev’ry Time I Feel the Spirit, this was another project around building up my faith. I distinctly remember recording this in June 2020, right after the protests and rioting had begun, and had observed a wide range of emotions from people that I had associated with at the time. Looking back, God used this to open my eyes and lead me to finally change churches.

Gyspy Rondo. This was a piano composition arrangement/collaboration with my sweetie pie, although to this day it is not yet completed. After the smashing collaborative success with Waltz in F major, my love had sent me photos of more musical sketches she had. I began creating the basics of the accompaniment. However, this project got waylaid due to multiple factors, including the necessity of my focusing on the career path for which I was going to return to school in the fall.

Song For My Sweetie Pie. Given how much my love loves waltzes (as do I, although maybe not quite as much as she does), I wanted to write a waltz for her as a Christmas present. Additionally, I wanted to challenge myself in the writing and structure of this composition; the result was creating phrases of “three sets of three threes” – in other words, each bar was 3 counts, each significant chord change and melodic motion was once every 3 bars, and each line was three sets of significant chord changes/melodic motions, making for a total of 9 bars (and 27 counts) per line. After that, though, I decided to make each section 4 or 8 lines. It was a lot of fun to write, and my sweetie pie loved the piece, too.

2021:

Piano Suite in B-flat major. This suite was written as a piano sonata, a suite, an exercise, a statement of faith and hope, and a gift to my love and to her family, both to encourage them during a trying time, and because they love music as well. This project began with the second movement (II. Solitude), out of a church meeting over Zoom with other Christian artists, where one of the leaders invited the group to produce art based on the word “solitude.” As I wrote what would become the second movement, and as I continued to pray, more words came: “serenity,” from which follows the third movement; “splendor,” from which follows the fourth movement; and finally, “victory,” from which follows the first movement.

I. Victory

II. Solitude

III. Serenity

IV. Splendor

Meditation and March in E-flat. This was a piano composition arrangement/collaboration with my sweetie pie, begun in 2021 and completed in 2022. This was a more successful collaboration than the Gypsy Rondo, although it still took some time for it to be completed.

Psalm 1. This is an a cappella choir piece. During my “baby Christian” days, verses 1-3 (or their equivalent from Jeremiah 17:7-8) were periodically given to me as words from the Lord or merely as encouragements (and oftentimes both!). I was also seeking to set more of God’s Word to music, particularly the Psalms. This was one such Psalm that was on my heart.

Psalm 127. This is an a cappella choir piece. I had originally written this in 2010, but I found I really didn’t like the last couple pages of it. Between not really knowing what to do with this disappointment, and focusing on other projects, I left it alone. During this time, as God had been blessing the creative juices, I finally got around to rewriting the ending, and I am much more pleased with it this time around.

Psalm 46. This is an a cappella choir piece. Coming off of having composed Psalm 1 and rewriting the ending to Psalm 127, Psalm 46 was another Psalm I had on my heart to write a piece. The pastor at my church also had recently taught about this over the course of a few of our weekly in-depth Bible studies, including pointing out the word “Selah” that occurred periodically throughout this Psalm. It gave me a great opportunity to both set this to music, as well as prayerfully figure out how to create music to lead me to reflect more on this Psalm, including those “Selah” spots that state: “stop and think about it.”

Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled. This is a congregational praise and worship piece. I had gone back through an old sketchbook from around 2014 when this sketch popped up. The text is from a few verses scattered across John 13 and 14, and the sketches needed organizing. Continuing my goal of finding more of God’s Word to set to music, going through old sketches was a fun project of rediscovering, workshopping, rearranging, and filling out areas that needed to be filled out. Sometimes, I have found that God will give me an idea to sketch out, but the finished product won’t come until later, and sometimes much later (like with Psalm 127). This will be an important item to note when I cover projects I anticipate working on.

Piano Sonata in B minor. A few years prior, I had this idea that I wanted to write two piano sonatas, one in B minor and the other in F-sharp minor. It took me a few years to finish the Piano Sonata in E-flat major, which I finally did around 2018 (I had begun the first movement in 2014), which was rewarding to have completed but frustrating to push through to get completed. That particular Sonata was my first real attempt at writing a piano sonata of any kind, and although in the intermediate years I completed both the Piano Suite in B-flat major (see above) as well as (mostly) completed another Suite (the A & B Suite, which I do not count on this list, for various reasons)… they weren’t sonatas. Plus, having learned about Sonata form in college and becoming more enamored with it as an adult, I wanted to write my own. Below, each of these movements were written in order.

I. Dance Entrance. I knew how I wanted to begin it, with the introduction section exactly as it ended up being written. The rest of the piece flowed from there. This and all movements in this Sonata were written shortly after a time of opportunity to reflect on some of the many changes that occurred in my life, as well as anticipating one change yet to come. As enumerated, this movement introduces the products of my reflections as one big bowl of soup of said reflections. A few tune fragments are also introduced here which would be fleshed out further in subsequent movements.

II. Song For My Father. This title is intentional. The music processes my reflections, fear, and ultimately a statement of faith and hope regarding my dad. Yes, I took the title from Horace Silver, but the music is entirely different. I also introduce two little tune fragments I frequently improvised upon as a young child, finally having found an appropriate place to write them out.

III. The Ever-Changing Landscape. This title too is intentional. The music processes my reflections on a friendship that may be lost. In this movement I bring in a tune that we had written together when we were kids. However, this story is intentionally left unresolved.

IV. Brisk Procession. I wanted to end this Sonata similar to how J.S. Bach often ended his Cantatas: with a chorale. I do believe Bach was saved, as it is often reflected in his music. Like in Song For My Father, I wanted to end this entire Sonata with a statement of hope; in this case, that as long as presently-unsaved sinners are still alive, they still have a shot to enter heaven upon dying, if they repent and receive Jesus as their Savior and their King.

2022:

A Wife of Noble Character (text from Proverbs 31:10-31). Inspired by several different things, including my sweetie pie’s composition Meditation and March in E-flat, plus a desire to find a way to set Proverbs 31 to text, plus her birthday was coming up, this piece came together pretty quickly. I see this as a clear example of how Psalm 37:4 can be put into action.

Piano Sonata in F-sharp minor. Please see earlier comment about my wanting to write piano sonatas in B minor and F-sharp minor. This Sonata is a current project still in progress; as of this blog post, the first three movements have been written; the fourth, titled The Honeymoon, is yet on my docket to complete. Preliminary sketches have begun for it, but I have maybe two lines written. One thing I have learned and continue to learn is that, if I am going to truly collaborate with the Most High God, then I have work with Him on this. I cannot rush the process. I just hope that I can keep up when inspiration does arrive. The titles of each of these movements are self-explanatory.

I. The Proposal. Written months before I eventually proposed to her, I did keep this as a surprise for her and for her folks to discover (since nothing else about the actual proposal was a surprise to any of them!). This piece contains a few secret messages that I had them decode. It was fun to watch them as they figured out all the messages. A couple other notes about this movement: one of my new favorite Beethoven pieces is the first movement from his “Pastoral” Piano Sonata in D major, which served as the starting inspiration point for this piece; additionally, I included yet another improvised tune fragment from childhood as one of the motifs. 

II. The Ceremony. Along with The Proposal, this movement was rather easy to write. I envisioned tremolo and stacked chords (almost like choir parts) for shaping the sonic structure of this piece.

III. The Reception. After writing my very first attempt at a jazz band piece back in 2006, I wanted for a long time to repurpose it. Once the idea to write a Sonata based on the sequence of events related to getting married, I knew that the piece (Cranberry Juice) would become The Reception. It was just a matter of how to change the format to conform to Sonata form. Thinking through how it was going to work took some time.

Minimalist Piano Sonata in B-flat minor: (I. Music That Takes Its Time). Based off a piano improvisation, I wanted to do something a little different from all the piano pieces I'd been writing exclusively in Sonata form, given my current fatigue after having written many pieces in the said structure. Also, as I was recording this, this was right around the time I returned to class after taking almost a year off. I knew I wasn't going to have the time I used to to just make music, so I approached this as kind of a cap to what I expected to be the end of a season of music-writing. In another departure to my typical form, I transcribed (and modified as I saw fit) the piece in Microsoft Excel rather than my usual Finale software program. What I wanted to experiment with this piece was combining minimalism with Sonata form, to see how much I could make a piece minimalist but still have it conform to the super-basics of the Classical genre. Given the length of this piece (at least 15 minutes?) I could easily call this one-and-done, but I'm still hoping to create maybe two more movements. The trick is, I need to do something different with the other two movements to make this interesting. More to come.

O Taste and See (text from Psalm 34:1-2,8). This is a congregational praise and worship piece. This piece was written originally sometime around 2015, finalized this year. Similar to Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled, I found this also in one of my old sketchbooks. Unlike the former piece, after running through this once or twice in my head, I felt that this piece was complete. Sometimes simpler is better.

He Cannot Deny Himself (text from 2 Timothy 2:11-13). This is an a cappella choir piece. Please see my post from earlier this week for more information. Musically, this was another one of those “keep it simple” pieces. I set this music in a kind of hymn-style arrangement, so as to focus on the words. The words from this passage hit me powerfully, ministering to my heart regarding some things, and as such, I wanted the piece to bring the words to the forefront with the music following what the words were connoting. One cool thing that I will boast about in this piece (because God has given these different inspirations to me) is that this music, as simple as it is, combines different quirks from vastly different musical traditions. My guess is something precisely like this has never been done before. If so, that’s pretty cool.

Anticipated projects will come in a future post.

Music compositional update, part 1

Periodically, I will challenge myself to give an update regarding the composing and music-making aspects of my life. The reasons for this are two-fold: 1.) I still write pieces of music and as such there are always updates to share, and 2.) I need to continue to challenge myself (like I mentioned above) to write about this area of my life.

Sometime after my last post on this topic (click here for more detail), I heard a couple of different people give the same feedback related to this, via a cursory comment: “music-making is just a hobby.” To be honest, it stung, and it probably always will. I know these people well enough that what I believe they meant by this is just simply that it cannot be a full-time career, enough to pay the bills and set up my future financially (let alone a future with my love and any potential children that may arrive). I can verify that this is true. I myself witnessed this growing up, as one parent stubbornly clung on to their music-making career and suffered financially for it; the other went the opposite route, essentially throwing away their music career in order to attain a different line of work and was blessed financially for it.

However, when I hear someone say that music is “just a hobby,” what I also hear is that sometimes one has to throw it away, and not come back to it for years or even decades, if other things crowd it out. I’ve decided that I disagree with that notion, on the grounds that I find this to be a key crucible in my relationship with God, especially when I’m setting music to Biblical text. I learned from my busy season in the fall, when I was working 2 jobs and going to school, I didn’t have time to do much more with Scripture besides read it for 5 minutes. First, that’s not enough time. Second, merely reading something by itself doesn’t allow for it to sink in. I need to interact with the text, and sometimes that means having time set aside to do something creative with it. Whether that’s writing a piece of music with the words set to text, or blogging about it, or, back in 2019 when I found composing music impossible to come by for a while, creating a colorful art piece to illustrate what God might be wanting to get through to me, I do need that kind of immersion every once in a while.

To be honest, it took a while, until maybe a few weeks ago, for me to find my grounding as I internally processed the phrase “it’s just a hobby.” A significant part of it was simply that I just didn’t have time to deal with it, pray through it, and make sense of it. Now that I have, I can claim it (“it’s not just a hobby; it’s a key piece of my relationship with Christ and I need to keep it!”) and move on to other things.

One thing, though, that I did notice God start to convict me of again was of self-worship with the musical gifts He has given me, especially that of composing. In my post from July 1, I openly stated my desire to be “like the greats” of the Classical and Romantic eras and considered the quality of my work (already!) equal or almost equal to their level. Moreover, I stated my desire to be recognized in this world as such. It may not necessarily be wrong to have dreams and aspirations of the such, but the key crucible is the question of for whose glory. I realized that even in composing, I wanted it once again to be for my glory.

It needs to be for God’s glory, and for His alone. Writing “Soli Deo Gloria” on every piece of music is a good start, but it alone is not enough. It also needs to come from the heart.

After all, it is He who has given me the gift. Not only so, but He has shown me repeatedly that He can easily bless me with this gift and with the accompanying opportunities – and He can just as easily take it all away. It may not have been the first compositional drought I have ever experienced, but what I experienced in 2019 showed me the depths of what being completely unable to write music to save my life looked like. Not only so, but I remember that year (as well as the preceding year) bringing the beginnings of sweeping changes to all aspects of my life related to music, which at the time was a significant part of my life. Several friendships splintered, several piano teaching clients were lost, a few of my favorite colleagues either moved away or moved on to other opportunities, attempts at compositional collaborations repeatedly failed, all in the same season of life. Moreover, I believe that God revealed to me that a few of the remaining friends/musical connections that I did have were tied to the occult, whether directly or indirectly. COVID and all that came with all major current events from 2020-2021 essentially took care of the rest.

The bottom line was, I needed to repent. Not just because of my worship of self and of music, but also because, over the course of all the years that I pursued it as the entirety of what I would do, I walked away from God. Ironically, in the 3 to 4 years leading up to my baptism in December 2013, in which I publicly declared my intent to follow Jesus and receive a personal relationship with Him, following Him was what I did, failings and faithlessness aside. But afterward, now that I was "officially" saved, I started turning to other things, assuming (wrongly) that my walk with Him was now taken care of. (I wanted to be an adult and receive all those blessings that I was pining for!)

5 to 6 years later, I finally began to see how much I had slipped, and moreover, the fullness of how I had allowed to influence me all those I connected with in the music part of my life. A key part that I also needed to see was how all that personal growth work I did in therapy, while it was good and important stuff, didn’t automatically translate to growth in my faith walk at all. I was getting stronger personally as an adult, but I was instead sliding backward in my faith. And how far back I slid.

I needed to see all that and be in a place of having seen just about all of the areas in my life fall apart, for me to be willing to repent and get back to doing things I hadn’t considered. I had to get to a place where I could declare in my heart that I missed music-making when it was just God and me. He heard that prayer. Slowly but surely, I started being able to compose again, knowing that it was God who was supplying the inspiration, but allowing me the freedom to assemble His inspiration as I saw fit.

Then, as other events continued to happen (the end of my relationship with my ex, meeting my love, COVID, just to name a few), that began to shape my own hunger and desire, as well as a clearer vision for both what I actually wanted to do with music, as well as seeing what God wanted to do as well.

As we like to say in our Christian faith circles, “I am still a work in progress.” Composing has been not quite as easy to come by as it was in 2020 and 2021, but I also know that, as I alluded to in my last post (click here for more detail), it’s because I began to drift in my walk with Christ again. I expect that this will always be a work in progress. I was blessed to be able to have both His inspiration and (finally!) the time and opportunity to be able to put pencil to paper when I came across 2 Timothy 2:11-13 on Christmas Eve. I do want these things to be for His glory, all of it. There are some tough things related to music-making I am still learning to accept that come with it, but I am willing to work through it so as to get to that place of acceptance.

Meanwhile, God is still blessing me with ideas and concepts for future musical creations, which I will detail further in my next post.

2022 in review: Continued growth lessons

 Over Christmas, I sketched and completed an a cappella choral piece with the following text:

 

11 This is a faithful saying:

For if we died with Him,

We shall also live with Him.

12 If we endure,

We shall also reign with Him.

If we deny Him,

He also will deny us.

13 If we are faithless,

He remains faithful;

He cannot deny Himself.

2 Timothy 2:11-13, NKJV

I came across this text over my read-through-the-Bible-in-2022 program on Christmas Eve. Along with being a great opportunity to set to music, it was a great and necessary reminder for me regarding my faith and relationship with God. This year, more than ever, I’ve been more cognizant of not only how much God hates sin but also my struggle to, well, not sin. I’ve become more aware of how critical forgiveness is, specifically my forgiving others. For a long time, I’ve been struggling with a pattern of compulsive thinking that involves fantasizing about getting into arguments with others in order to win and to shut them up. As best I understand it, the motivation and impulse behind this pattern goes back a long way, to a time when I was powerless to not only defend myself but also to stop from happening the arguments I was seeing. Worse (and this has since been confirmed by the counselors that were in my life for many years), the content of the arguments I both witnessed as well as was on the receiving end of things showed that those that were causing me pain were in the wrong, not just in how they were behaving, but also the content of their talking points as well as their attitudes. This is not to say that I was 100% in the right, not even close. After all, I too am a sinner in need of salvation and grace that can only come through receiving that forgiveness of my sins from Jesus (as well as receiving Him as my Savior and my King). But, to have received any validation at all of my experience and my perspective opened my eyes as well.

I have since forgiven the individuals that I believed were responsible. But I’m aware that I still experience these same thoughts and feelings even when I meet new people. Therefore, even if these persons are committing grave sins, I am still the one primarily responsible for whether or not I argue with them in my head to point out how wrong they are and why they need to shut up. There is real experiential meaning behind the phrase “the one that forgiveness frees is you.” When I truly forgive, I stop thinking these thoughts. As a result, I have the opportunity to have more peace, which is what I ultimately want, anyway.

casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,

2 Corinthians 10:5, NKJV

The challenge with all this is that I’ve had to navigate this without the help of a support group, which I left in 2021. I left for a variety of reasons, but the chief one was that I couldn’t think of anything else where I still legitimately needed that week-in-week-out, goal-oriented support. I’d worked through the main chains and pains that had been holding me back as an adult related to my family growing up. Any peer-related issues were solved by virtue of me having (and continuing to be) intentionally set up an inner circle of friends to check in with and support. As far as the professional area of my life, I had just started a new path, including classes in school, and I was still very much in the honeymoon phase of that. I had a path, anyway. And of course, the main reason I sought help over a decade ago, was healing the misery I constantly experienced not just around singlehood but the hopelessness of ever being able to figure out how to move past it. There were other smaller things, but the point was, I was ready to graduate to adulthood without the training wheels.

I’m not going to say: “or so I thought,” although it is tempting to do so. I am finding my way a lot better than I had been previously. I have been able to find a few resources that have helped fill some gaps I had previously forgotten to ask my support group to fill when I was attending. I am doing more things. Since late-summer, I’ve been holding down 2 jobs while going to school at the same time! I’m saving money, and slowly building this career that I’m still figuring out. I had previously thought it was going to be accounting, but I now have 15 months’ experience in procurement, work that I do find fascinating. But I promised my love that I would continue my classes in school, if not for accounting, then to at least round out my credentials as I build my career portfolio in whatever this turns out to be, to bolster my case for eventually commanding a higher salary (and other appropriate accompanying perks).

That said, I still find dealing with other people’s baggage stressful and borderline insufferable. That’s what makes work exceedingly difficult at times to manage, as well as that of a few relationships I’ve picked up more recently (thankfully, no issues like this are with my love!). I’m aware I still have huge growth gaps in certain spots, to where I wish I still had that formalized structure of the support group to help walk me through them. I still see my counselor of almost 12 years on a monthly basis, so I have a lifeline with someone who is trained (and at the same time empathetic) to walk me through certain aspects of the day-to-day that are still difficult to manage sometimes. For that – and for him – I continue to be very grateful.

And so, what’s left? This is where maintaining a regular habit of Bible reading must come in. This is where maintaining a regular habit of prayer and praise/worship must also come in. My Bible reading is as sporadic as it has been, but at least I am better than where I used to be years ago, in the first few years after I first was saved in 2013. I haven’t read the Bible since Christmas, when I came across the above passage from Paul’s second letter to Timothy.

Even as I write, I am aware of wanting to defend myself even when I name current personal weaknesses. “I still struggle with this, but at least I…” etc. It is because of this that I’m still figuring out where the line is, the line that separates “justified by faith” / “Christ’s strength made perfect in my weakness” vs. “I’m in sin” / “in need of conviction and correction.” I suspect that both are true, simply because both are true in my life every day. But there’s a clear line.

Hence the power of the following line from the book of 2 Timothy (again the passage from the beginning of this post): “If we deny Him, He also will deny us.” BUT: “If we are faithless, He remains faithful.” This means that He doesn’t give up on us, so long as we are at least trying to please Him, even though we fail repeatedly, over and over and over again.

Not all years are created equal, a truth I’ve been aware of for a long time now. After repenting and returning to the Lord in 2019, 2020 and to a lesser degree, 2021, were years where I felt I was doing great in my faith and relationship with Jesus. 2022, not so much. But then again, 2020 saw not only the event of a lifetime for us all, but also a series of sweeping circumstantial changes in my life personally. 2021 was basically a smaller version of the such, although with still-significant events that occurred. 2022 was basically the same set of circumstances throughout the year, with the only changes that occurred being incremental ones. Which leads me to ponder and think on two questions: 1.) Do I seem to do better in my faith when there are a lot of sweeping circumstantial changes in my life? (The answer appears to be yes.) 2.) What then do I need to do in order to do my faith-walk with Jesus better when seemingly nothing is happening? I already have my answers: read the Bible regularly, pray regularly, and praise God (with or without music) regularly. That, and continue the work that was begun years ago to the best of my ability.

being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

Philippians 1:6, NKJV

I’ve been beginning to prepare for 2023. On the one hand, at this point in my life it’s just another year. But on the other hand, circumstantially, it is not “just another” year; my love and I will spend this next year getting things ready for both wedding day and married life. As previously mentioned, I will be working 2 jobs and going to school. My love will also be expecting to work 2 jobs and, for the time being, continuing to go to school. (She’s basically graduated at this point (I’m so proud of her!), and she’s pursuing internships to kick-start her new “day job” career, which would require her to continue to take classes for the time being.) Somewhere in there, wedding planning will occur. Somehow. And yet, between our own mutual desire to be married, as well as other circumstances beyond our control that still (may) directly affect us, we have talked about making the wedding date earlier than our current projection of 2024 sometime. But even that is up in the air, if we even decide to move it up.

I don’t have a stirring way of wrapping up this post. The story continues, because it is not yet completed.

I'm back for a brief bit.

I'm back for a brief bit. I finally had a PTO day for the first time since I last blogged. It feels good, and, at the rate my life is going, one day off just isn't enough. I just simply have too much on my plate.

[To clarify, I'm not going to complain about being "too busy," because I know well enough that even in times when I wasn't quite "so busy," I've had things to get done that I still simply didn't get done. It's more a point of finding the right balance of busy-ness, to keep me engaged but also without driving me crazy from stress. With the holidays approaching (finally!) there is the opportunity to slow down for a little bit.

The real reason I broke my blog-fast this week was because over the last few weeks at church the sermons have been hitting me: the importance of fasting and praying, the importance of being sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and the importance of (and directions for) being a more effective witness. Even though I've been continuing to read through my daily Bible readings at about the same rate as I have been since about March (i.e. going through streaks of reading and then streaks of not reading), I do actually feel like I've been slipping in my faith more over this past year than the previous couple. I need to and want to get back to prioritizing prayer time and Bible time, but, with my current other obligations I don't know how to do it.

I have a potential blog post I will share sometime in the future. It's currently about 70% written, but right now doesn't feel like the right time to share it in detail. The bottom line is, until about a week or two ago, I also put composing aside completely, and it's been hard, to the point that one day recently I couldn't take it anymore and just outright decided to compose up a storm. It felt really good. But it came at the expense of time I could have devoted to classwork. But in all of it was my own wrestling with this part of my life, along with what I believe was God convicting me of my true heart-motivation and heart-attitude regarding composing. I have been seeing my music ("my" music) as comparable to the greats of the Classical and Romantic eras and wanting to be famous like them. Bottom line, any music-making I do needs to be for His glory, and not for mine. He convicted me of it once before, but evidently I have since slipped yet again.

There have also been other frustrations that have been occurring, which I won't get into, but one really good thing that has come out of it is that I recently proposed to my then-girlfriend, now-fiancée, to which she ("of course"😉) said yes. I am very happy and excited, and of course now wedding planning is beginning in earnest. We're not marrying for another year-and-a-half, which will give us plenty of runway to manage wedding-planning and marriage-planning, all while she and I are both crazy-busy with our current obligations. Right now our core group of people already know, but as of this posting we are still working on a larger-scale announcement (relatively speaking) to others that may want to know.

What was really sweet though was I decided to ask the father of my love for his opinion regarding whether he wanted to be asked first for his blessing. (My love insisted that I should ask him; her mom said that I didn't need to.) His answer indicated that he likely wouldn't have been offended if I hadn't asked, but at the same time he felt honored and really glad that I did. What followed was a really cool heart-to-heart whereas, after he gave his blessing on the marriage, he shared his exhortations for me that revealed his care for his daughter. (He and my love do not have a great relationship, so hearing this was huge.) In spite of what I've heard about him in the past (and a couple minor incidents I witnessed that gave credibility to what I've heard but otherwise not seen), I've been praying off-and-on about how to get to know him more. I'm still praying and trying to figure that out. But it was a really touching moment, one that I appreciate very much.

One last cool thing I'll share - although one thing that was missing from my proposal was the element of surprise (my love, her mother, and her father all knew beforehand, although none of the others who were present knew), I did save a surprise for them (my love and her mother anyway) afterward: earlier this year I had written a piano piece titled "The Proposal" that also contained some secret messages. Basically it spelled out my love's current name and her mother's name in one section, her future married name (she will change her last name to mine) and her father's name in another section, and in yet another section the phrase "[my love's name], will you marry me?" It was really cool to see them discover 1.) how and where to find the location of the secret messages, and then 2.) to figure out how to decode them and 3.) discovering what the messages actually said. It was really cool to share that as a surprise with them.

So, joys and challenges. Time marches on, as does the road of life. At least God's in charge.

Sermons from Good News: how to be a more effective witness

Church 11/12/2022

Sermon message:

Thesis: How to be a more effective witness

We may have other purposes in life, especially career-related.
But our main purpose is to be a witness for God and for Jesus.

We need the help of the Holy Spirit to be effective. We need to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. We need the Holy Spirit in our lives.

Men of old wrote the Bible exactly as the Holy Spirit told them to write. Therefore we can ask the Holy Spirit to interpret what is written in the word of God.

Focus: Acts 14

On his missionary journeys Paul preached the whole gospel (and not just part of it). One guy who was crippled received the gospel and had faith to be healed. And was healed.

Paul also came across opposition. Right from the get-go.

How to be a more effective witness:

Point #1: Be flexible

Acts 14:11-13

The locals receiving the gospel wants to worship/praise Paul. But Paul realized this and redirected them and reminded them that they needed to worship God.

Acts 14:15,17

Point #2: Fight the good fight of faith

Acts 14:19-21

Also don’t be isolated. Paul’s faith was rekindled by other believers who surrounded him.

2 Corinthians 11:24-26

Galatians 6:9

Point #3: be quick to forgive

The longer you hold a hot coal, the more you’ll be burnt.

Acts 14:21-22

Acts 14:27

2 Timothy 1:5

Sermons from Good News: Being sensitive to the Holy Spirit

Church 11/5/2022

Offertory scripture:

Romans 8:37-39

Sermon message:

Thesis: Being sensitive to the Holy Spirit

When you fast, your body gets weaker and you even become more sensitive to the Holy Spirit.

You can learn to hear the Holy Spirit.

Example: Samuel as a boy, heard the Lord speaking to him, overnight. Didn’t know it was God at first, Eli counseled Samuel on that.

1 Corinthians 2:14

1 Corinthians 14:10

God’s Spirit is the most important voice above all other voices. It is important that we welcome the Holy Spirit into our lives and to respect Him.

John 1:32-33

We should not grieve the Holy Spirit.

Focus verse: Ephesians 4:30 (first half)

Context: Ephesians 4:22-32

1 Thessalonians 5:19

How to increase your sensitivity to the Holy Spirit of God:

Point #1: repentance

Caveat: sorrow is not repentance although godly sorrow leads to it.

Acts 3:19

Point #2: worship / praise

Psalm 100:4

Worship God in private In addition to in public.

Point #3: take spiritual breaks

Psalm 27:8

Psalm 16:8-9

Take several short breaks through the day, all day.

Point #4: read the Bible til God speaks.

Point #5: ask God for an understanding heart.

Or a listening heart. A heart full of wisdom and discernment and longing for God.

1 kings 3:9

This is for all of us.

Point #6: ask for God’s peace to be on a place before you enter.

Pray for God’s peace over a place (and over you) before you enter any place where you are going.

Matthew 10:12

Sermons from Good News: It pays to fast and to pray

Church 10/29/2022

Offertory scripture:

Romans 10:13-15

Sermon message:

Thesis: It pays to fast and to pray

You get a reward for the work you’ve done—same principle.

Also, fasting and prayer go together.

“Fasting may be one of the most powerful weapons that many Christians do not use.”

Fasting draws us closer to God. When we shut off other things it draws us closer to Him because we spend more time with Him. Also when we do this we shut off the world and open our ear to God.

Fasting can change your life and also that of others around you: your family, your church, your country, etc.

Point #1: Fasting humble us / can humble us.

There are wrong types of fasting, like doing it for show. But done right, God can speak to you in ways you may not have heard before.

In the Bible: Ezra was given the task of bringing some very valuable things back to Jerusalem from Babylon / Persia. Equivalent of $160 billion in gold and $16 million in silver. Ezra turned down the Persian king’s offer of protection, trusting in God. But also did something else:

Ezra 8:21

Ezra also gave the order for everyone traveling with him to fast and pray. So they did.

Ezra 8:22-23

God heard their prayer and protected them.

Pastor’s disclaimer: you don’t have to pick one timeline of fasting vs another. Just think about it and consider it. Humble your body. The result is God blesses you.

After Ezra returned to Jerusalem, he counted the treasures and it was determined nothing was lost. No one traveling got hurt. God protected him.

Point #2: Fasting helps secure favor in situations.

Consider Nehemiah.

Nehemiah 1:4

Nehemiah 1:11

The result: Nehemiah got favor from the king. Not only did he get time off but the king also gave him supplies for his journey.

Proverbs 21:1

Point #3: Fasting helps discern God’s will.

Fasting tunes out unnecessary voices and tunes in God’s voice, the most necessary voice in all the universe.

Acts 13:2

Consider Daniel. He fasted too.

Daniel 10:2-6

Point #4: Fasting gives us power to break demons’ strongholds.

Mark 9:14-29 (background passage)

Mark 9:29 (specifically)

Point #5: Fasting prepares us for a new season of life and ministry.

Acts 13:2-3

Sometimes after God responds, more fasting and prayer is needed/required.

Consider Moses. Consider Jesus, God in the flesh. Consider Paul. They all fasted and prayed.

Consider James, Jesus’s half brother who also wrote the book of James.

James 1:22

Exhortation to fast and pray.

Eight-month Bible reading check-in (almost), and Change, pt 2

In case I hadn't made it clear in the previous post: changes are afoot.

Bridging the previous post and this post was not well-thought-out, because, well, I just don't have the time. The last post was a well-though-out piece because I originally sketched it about a month ago, when I had more time. As such, it feels complete on its own. However, I have kind of a key update to the updates, where I didn't feel right trying to squeeze it into the last post. So here I go, plus a report on my Bible reading:

The last month's Bible readings have been taking place in the part of the Bible I know the least: the prophets, or everything basically between King David's death and Jesus' birth.

Work is crazy busy, my class begins in a few weeks (I found out it began later than I originally thought!), and I've also begun my second job. I'm excited, although cautious to not get too carried away with anything. I've run ahead of God before, and I need to remain diligent that I don't.

One loose end I realized that needed tying was what to do with the Bible study. Since June, I've all but eliminated the Zoom group, as our one guy primarily responsible for necessitating a Zoom group has been globetrotting and in a time zone that often hasn't worked for the rest of us (unless we meet at like 2 or 3 AM his time). But with the in-person group growing (we are now going steady at 5 people after it being like 2 or 3 people through the spring, praise God!), I really didn't want it to end because God was doing some really good things. But, I have to step back somehow. God worked it out: the father of my love will take over the lessons, and the mother of my love will also attend and participate.

So the Bible study will continue. Not sure what will happen with this blog, but I anticipate I won't be back for a while. We'll see.

Change, pt 1

“Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” -John C. Maxwell

I'll begin by stating that I agree with both parts of this quote; however, the focus of today's post is on the first half, as it was what came to mind as I was beginning to reflect on what I'm about to write.

If you read this space regularly, you are well aware that my relationship with blogging ranges between part-time and full-time, depending on the season, depending on what I believe God is calling me (both at large and specifically to this space), as well as other things may come up.

The short version of this is: I'm likely going to be severely cutting back on my writing in this space for the foreseeable future. This will also include my copying & pasting sermon notes from my church, as well as the once-a-month Bible-reading updates (as well as anything significant and pertinent relating to the Bible studies I've hosted this year). To recap over the last six months or so:

Since March, my employer (a consulting firm) has taken on and given me a second client to support, which has made things crazy busy and insane in other ways as I continue to learn on the job how to do more and more of a career that I'd never heard of until ten months ago. The busy-ness and insanity of this setup has not abated since then.

Since the beginning of this summer, I've also returned to school, taking an online class at a time as I build toward growing my career kitbag of skills and tricks. I'm planning to take another online class this fall, and so on.

Most recently, I've accepted a second job as a worship leader assistant at a different church from the one I've been attending. On the one hand it's a dream I've had for a long time; on the other, I've already been looking at my plate and wondering how I'm going to make all three things work, including also building a relationship further toward marriage, staying at least somewhat connected with the church I've been attending, and (for now) continuing to host these Bible studies.

My desire is to do all these things well. Self-care is still important for ensuring that this happens. So, among other things, the blog will have to drop for now.

To clarify: I'm not going to take down this page. Unlike in 2013, I'm much more pleased and at peace with how the blog re-set has gone since 2019. I will admit that, in reviewing my original goals related to blogging when I re-set it, I have gone in somewhat different directions. I didn't plan that this space would focus on faith and Scripture as it has, but at the same time I'm glad it has. Honoring God is good, and honoring Him is important. I didn't get into music as much as I had originally expected, but I am pleased with the few posts that I have put out there. I recognize that talking about music, something I am truly passionate about, is a work in progress. I didn't expect to reboot the "Faraway State of Mind" series, but I'm finding I really like how the two posts that I have put out there so far have turned out. As well as other things.

I've decided I won't go the cliché route of stating the blog's name and theme: "for everything there is a season..." because that phrase is true no matter what. (Plus, repeating some things at excess can be nauseating, and I'm finding that here.) But what I will say about it is this: things are again changing, this time affecting the blog in ways that I cannot define or put in a frame. When I left a decade ago (almost), the reasons were personal. When I took a hiatus two years ago, I understood that there was a vague parameter set for it, and that I would likely return at some point. Even more recently, when I stepped away, I always knew that, when I would get a brief break in time, I would set up blog posts of sermon notes at my church that I had compiled but not had the time to edit, and edit and schedule-post (back-posting).

But with essentially changing churches, on top of the fact that I will be working two jobs and going to school, even that lifeline to the blog will be gone, at least for the time being. Because my love and her family will still be attending the same church I have been, I'll still be kept up-to-date and connected with the excellent messages that are being preached. But I likely won't be able to be there to record them (and eventually post them).

I will close this post with a brief reflection: one of my acquaintances from my high school church youth group who blogged prolifically as a teenager (and somewhat into his college years), ended his blog as he was getting ready to get married, not long after he graduated from college. His blogging was already dwindling by that point, to where he might have posted once every six months, if that. He had been gone a year or so, and then returned for a few posts over the span of (I want to say) a few weeks, only to admit that his life had at that point outgrown the purpose he had had for the blog that he had had. Since that post where he essentially admitted as such, he stopped blogging. To this day, the blog (or whatever is left of it) is nowhere to be found. I don't blame him. He got married, his life got busy, and he's never looked back. (I've also long dropped out of touch with him. I'm not opposed to getting back in touch with him, but it's not high on my priority list, and I don't suspect it's high on his, either.)

I share this story, though, because I wonder if or when that same scenario might play out for me. I know that God has indeed blessed this space over the last few years, and looking back, it's clear that (at least for me) writing helped me process not only the changes going on in the world around me, but also the totality of the changes in my life, some of which was in direct response to the changes in the world around me. While the changes in one sense have slowed down, I still sit here at my present age realizing I've never been this old before (relatively speaking); the future will likely hold many unprecedented things for me, many of which I am not prepared for. These are indeed scary thoughts, scarier if I start going into various details (which I won't). But realizing my need for a Savior, receiving that Savior (Jesus) and His sacrifice on the cross for me and my sins, and desiring to get better for God (and more), these things do help make the future look considerably less scary.

Meanwhile, I'll plan to leave this page up here for quite a while. I imagine I will write again, perhaps in spurts, perhaps in trickles, and perhaps in occasional gushes. But, to sound cliché, there is indeed a season for everything, including a time to reflect and be introspective, and a time to take action and not spend as much time thinking or reflecting about things. Right now, my life fits the latter, "go-go-go" category. For how long is anyone's guess.

Seven-month Bible reading check-in

For a milieu of reasons, I will need to keep this post short. My reading has been about as consistent (or sporadic) as it has been. I've been connecting with Isaiah 40 and 41, where the text reaches the more encouraging parts of the book. I have several passages from each of these chapters that I could spend time sharing and exploring, but for now I will focus on one:

6 A voice says, “Cry out.”
And I said, “What shall I cry?”
“All people are like grass,
and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”

Isaiah 40:6-8, NIV

Here are the questions I wrote in my prep notes for the next Bible study meeting:

this is a humbling passage in terms of looking at our lives and the preciousness of time. When you reflect on how short life really is, what does that make you think? In terms of how to live your life? In terms of your relationship with God? In terms of what God may be calling you to do here while you still have time?

I'm currently recovering from a recent flareup in my gut, the same issue that hospitalized me last summer. I do believe God healed me from the intensity of the flareup/sickness from last summer, but I also am recognizing that the healing is not yet complete. Also, having learned in the intervening year about further gut history on both sides of my family, I'm realizing this is prevalent but overcomeable. About a week or so ago, though, for a couple days I became aware of how mortal I really am. I suspect as humans, most of us are generally in good health, most of the time. As such we can subconsciously begin to assume that we are invincible. I know I certainly did and have thought that. I also was reflecting from a post I had posted earlier this summer about how many famous composers died young. I'm now right in that age zone where many of them dropped dead. Since I am doing considerably better (praise God!) health-wise than I did on those days when that awareness came to me, I'm not really thinking about my mortality now. But, even assuming a decent-length life (70, 80, 90 years), time moves. Human bodies will still continue to pass away until the time of Jesus' return.

So, I'll go ahead and answer the above questions from my prep notes which I plan to pose and answer in our next Bible study:

I've already covered the first point in the paragraph above. Simply, the passage makes me realize how mortal I really am and how short time really is, whether or not I "die young" or live an average-length life.

In terms of how to live my life, it should make me prioritize living for Jesus first, even in spite of my fleshly protests (I still wrestle with wanting to live "the good American life," my way). However, when I think on this question, I flash back to a men's retreat back in the fall of 2014, where I was given this following question to spend an indeterminate amount of time to ponder: "what are you and God going to do with your one and only life that you have to live?" We were outside, it was evening (after sunset), and I remember sitting in a chair overlooking the lake in front of me. I don't recall the total amount of time I found myself sitting there, but it was a very powerful moment: sitting with that question with absolutely zero external distractions. To this day, I don't remember what I came up with, but I remember sitting there thinking about the fact that I only have one life, and once it's gone, it's gone.

So to conclude, to live for God first and foremost, to live according to His Word (which also means spending regular time in it daily), and to then do whatever God asks me to do. This also means prioritizing my relationship with Him above every other relationship, including my love, including my parents, including my friends, and especially including those that I still get triggered by.

Aside from this Bible study I'm currently leading, I haven't really heard much else. I know I have musical gifts, and I want to be sure that I keep doing something with it. I had an "Immanuel Approach" prayer session with a friend in fall 2019 during which I got a sense of Jesus' joy simply when I improvise on the piano. I know that I have other musical aspirations that I hope to pursue in my busy schedule, as well.

Other updates: I have accepted a second, part-time job as a worship leader assistant at a Presbyterian church in Lake Forest. I've also heard that a couple of my Bible study attendees have both expressed a desire for meeting more often. I need to follow up on that. I'm interested, for multiple reasons. However, I will need to get clear on what is desired and then, with God's help, come up with a plan to see this through. After experiencing the joy I felt (and apparently also saw), it's not any wonder that this group is taking off. My desire is to still keep this simple. It's an informal group of a small group of people getting together to study God's Word, pray, and encourage one another.

More to come.

Sermons from Good News: Mark 11

 Church 8/6/2022

Offertory scripture:

Zechariah 14:10

Do not despise small beginnings

Sermon message:

God is good and He wants to be good to His children.

Thesis: Mark 11:12-14,19-23

First step: have faith in God

Second step: speak to your mountains

If you knew the victory to come you’d be more likely to speak to the mountains.

Mark 11:24

Faith is based on what God says, not what you see.

1 John 5:14-15 if we ask anything according to God’s will, He hears us.

Yes, God will hear you if you pray according to His Word.

Mark 11:23: doubting in your heart = vacillating = wavering.

Take these truths and apply them to where the rubber meets the road.

Speak the Word no matter what.

Psalm 136:1 Mercy is goodness and kindness

Sermons from Good News: the language of faith, part 3

 Church 7/30/2022

Offertory scripture:

Psalm 112:1-3

Sermon message:

Thesis: the language of faith, part 3

Faith is very important.

People of faith solve problems.

Not just your problems, but also to solve other problems.

Human faith is powerful and good. But faith in God is yet better and more powerful by far.

Consider Goliath; then consider David.

We need to picture and visualize the victory.

1 Samuel 17:44 - Goliath’s human faith

1 Samuel 17:45-46 - David’s faith in God

Consider England back in 1776; then consider our founding fathers.

Faith needs to flow. Otherwise it’ll be clogged. We need the Word of God. One of the ways to get faith flowing is to red, believe, and speak the Word of God.

Romans 10:9

Consider Mary, Jesus’s mother, when the angel Gabriel came to her.

Luke 1:38

Consider the centurion who had a sick servant:

Luke 7:7-9

Psalm 23:1-4

Point #1: Speak the language of faith in the presence of enemies

Psalm 23:5

Point #2: Proclaim God’s provisions

Psalm 23:5

Point #3: Acknowledge God’s anointing

Psalm 23:5

God’s anointing refreshes you, lifts you up, and indicates you are superior to your enemies (because you have God).

Point #4: declare God’s blessings

Psalm 23:5

David was so blessed that he blessed others. His anointing overflowed.

Consider Abraham’s anointing:

Genesis 12:2

Point #5: confess God is faithful, loving, and full of mercy

Psalm 23:6

Encouraging oneself in the Lord

One day recently, I came across a couple pertinent points of reflection, both of which I’ve been aware of and even (you might say) meditated on.

The first was a YouTube video I came across from a guy who I’d never watched before talking about the importance of encouraging oneself in the Lord, like King David did:

Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God. 1 Samuel 30:6, NIV

My pastor at my church occasionally preaches about this, citing the same example, and so to hear it repeated from a different voice in the same general season, has led me to write a reflection in this vein.

The second came while watching highlight-reel videos from the Chicago Bulls’ dynasty years, specifically involving Dennis Rodman and either Michael Jordan or Scottie Pippen. I’d been reading/watching up a lot more on the backstories about how the Bulls got Rodman, and how, due to numerous factors, it was quite a miracle 1.) that Rodman was on the team, and 2.) that he got along with the Bulls’ two superstars.

Then I reflected on the timing of these things, and that’s when it hit me: God using sports as a (mostly) clean way to accomplish two things: 1.) distract my mind from the pain my life already was at that point, and 2.) a way to show me that even then He cared and was paying attention to my trials that at that time seemed to be never-ending.

I didn’t pay attention to the Bulls’ first three championships in the early 90s. I was kinda too young. I think at some point I was vaguely aware that they were good, but I wasn’t really aware the depth of their greatness until after Jordan’s first retirement. Hence my understanding of: “the Bulls were good, but their best guy isn’t playing for them anymore.”

Then, the year I went off to New York for boarding school, not only were the Bulls still winning, but then the New York Yankees started winning championships almost the entire time I was living there, after a bit of a championship drought. They only stopped winning a year after I had graduated and moved back. At the time, I didn’t understand. I had fallen into the majority camp where the sentiment was fatigue and disgust at how “the Yankees always keep winning.”

The year I moved back to Chicago from Minnesota, the Chicago Blackhawks won their first Stanley Cup title, and won twice more over the next five years. This was a move where, due to varying circumstances, I had to completely surrender the idea of a happy and successful life in Minnesota, where I really had wanted to be when I graduated college. At the time, moving back to Chicago was not at all my picture of where I expected to spend my adulthood. And, I saw in so many ways how God moved, including a new church I joined at that time, friends I made, and other things. But the Blackhawks suddenly going from laughingstock to multi-time champions I believe was another sign of God using sports as a way to show me He cared.

There were also other ways that, looking back, I noticed how God was using sports to show me He cared for me. One such way was through video games. I don’t consider myself a “gamer” in the sense that so many people my generation and younger are or were, but for about a decade I got heavily involved in playing Nintendo (N64) basketball or baseball. During those years, especially high school, my life (when I was in the Chicago area) was basically: school, church, hanging out with my one best friend occasionally, and my video games. However, there were times when I would do something in my video game, and it would somehow prove prophetic. I played baseball more in the earlier years of my video game obsession, basketball more in the latter years. Sometime in my first couple years, I had set up a Yankees-Mets World Series matchup. I think I had the Yankees winning in five games, although I forget how and in what order the results came.

Lo, and behold, the 2000 World Series played out exactly like that.

In high school and/or college, in one simulation, I had myself as a superstar (via the “created player” feature) winning championships on the Miami Heat, and later on with the Golden State Warriors.

The 2010s played out this sequence, with the Heat winning championships for a few years first, followed by the Warriors for a few more years.

Even in my writing, I wrote a couple interesting stories (one of which made this blog) where I correctly predicted most (although not all) aspects of two World Series/playoff runs. In 2005, I wrote a doomsday sort of story where a few folks and I ran off to Canada to escape impending nuclear war, bemoaning that this sort of thing had to happen shortly after the Chicago Cubs finally broke their World Series drought and won the championship. What was interesting was how I detailed how they would win: against the Texas Rangers, and in 5 games, in which the Cubs had home-field advantage and clinched on the road in Texas to end their championship drought. I ended up getting only two details wrong: the year, and the victor. This was basically how the San Francisco Giants broke their lengthy championship drought, in 2010.

Finally, in this post here, and kind of in a place where I was flat-out frustrated with my writing (the point that I stopped completely, until only recently), I cobbled together one last attempt (half-baked, to be honest) about the Cubs finally winning the World Series. To be fair, this was after the team had hired Theo Epstein to be the team architect, so the idea of them winning (curses and all) actually had a possibility of succeeding. I predicted again that the Cubs would win, this time at home, in 2016, on (pick a random date on the calendar) Saturday, October 22^nd, sometime shortly after 9:41 PM.

What blows my mind is that was the night (and almost exactly the time) that they won the pennant at Wrigley Field, breaking the pennant drought. They would go on to win the World Series a week-and-a-half later, still one of the most surreal moments of my life. The Cubs in a World Series!?? What’s going on??

The point of sharing these things is that I look back now and see how God was using these moments to communicate to me that He was there for me and cared about my prayer requests. I had many. I still have many, but I now am able to see more of how God is moving. He cares for His children. While I will add the disclaimer that my experiences tying sports and faith together should not be a one-size-fits-all, I do believe God does give some of us prophetic gifts. At the Vineyard I often listened to Holy Spirit for anything – words, images, etc – while praying for other people. I wasn’t always right in my discernment, but I have enough experiences to know that God does give some people the gift of prophecy, and that He does use people with this gift to speak truth and life into others.

As a parallel to encouraging yourself in the Lord, sometimes just remembering Him and the cool stuff He has done for you in your life is enough to do the trick. What about for you? What is an area in your life that you’ve seen God move to show you that He is there and always will be?