I was up really late last night. It tends to happen when I'm wound up, when there's something seriously gnawing at the mind. Sure, it's occurred rather often in my life, but at least now when it does, it comes not as often, and only when I'm hitting on something deep (and usually painful).
My church has been going through a sermon series called Jesus and Culture ["http://evine.prod2.webenabled.net/jesus-and-culture"] over the last month, and during that time we have touched on all sorts of categories where Christian values have gone by the wayside in favor of what's popular. Going into the series last month, our senior pastor knew that the following month-and-a-half of sermons was going to trigger a lot of reactions. Not everyone was going to agree; in fact, I'm sure many people don't agree. But I choose to support my church because, while there are delicate issues going on, the truth needs to be spoken.
Yesterday's sermon, much like the one a few weeks ago about community, triggered me. First I was angry, then after prayer I calmed down, and then when I listened to the sermon again for the second service (I decided to stay), I admired my senior pastor's gall for clearly stating what he needed to state without stuttering or flinching. I agree with everything in the sermon. But it triggered me because it hit a topic that bothers me deeply.
Here is the link ["http://www.evanstonvineyard.org/blog/201302/sexual-ethics-culture-tolerance"] to the outline of the sermon, titled "Sexual Ethics in a Culture of Tolerance." I won't copy and paste all the bullet points, but I will highlight a few points that hit me particularly strongly:
- the lie that sex is necessary for happiness and fulfillment, the lie that we need sex like we need good food and nourishment; society treats celibacy as "cruel and unusual punishment," and (my addition) that the more sex I were to have, - the more worth I would have as a person
- the lie that sex is a private, individual matter and it doesn't affect me; intellectually I struggle to understand it, let alone accept it, but emotionally it hits home for me because other people's sex lives do bother me and make me feel like less of a person
- determining on our own what is truly an ethical sexual relationship (without the bible) is impossible; a popular claim that sticks out to me the most is the "consenting adults in love"; issue is that "love" ("http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/eros" ) is fickle and doesn't last... people who fall in love will also fall out of love, plain and simple; other issue is distinguishing love (giving to the other person) vs lust (taking from the other person)... we are really bad at that on our own
- so then, how do we decide what is ethical? ultimately, it is what is according to God's design and endorsed by God himself
I was -- and still am -- wound up because my sense of identity through my celibacy was attacked. In the past I would have called it "spiritual warfare"; now, I call it a trigger of a wound. Perhaps they're both the same thing. In any case, I don't look at spiritual warfare as the "bad thing" that I did just a couple years ago. Whatever it is, I am on alert because there is something wrong and I need to give the proper attention to it.
The truth is, I've been celibate for ... let's just say a long time. ... a long time by my standards, anyway. The lie about sex being necessary for happiness and fulfillment still grates at me. Society tells me that, with a few exceptions, everyone else has "done it," and the world wants me to believe that because of my celibacy I am worthless by comparison. The world wants me to believe that "anything goes" in sex and relationships, and I've let that corrupt my view of myself and others for years. It's still there.
The last time I shared about this topic on here was a year-and-a-half ago (see posts here, here, and here ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/07/thirds-confessions-and-forgiveness.html"] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/08/if-youre-not-virgin-keep-walking.html"] [http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2011/08/footnotes-relationships-employment-and.html"]), a time when a close relationship I was in first forced me to confront these issues. I did not deal with them well (ultimately, it led to me ending that relationship), and with this topic coming up again I struggle to deal with it well. I suppose I deal with it marginally better now than I did then, but still.
I feel I've shared enough for today. There is more to sit with. And eventually I will write a "part 3" on this topic at some point.