Transparently, I've lost a lot of steam on this gratitude series. Having been sick over the holidays, combined with wrestling with things spiritual, hasn't helped. As such, I think this will be the last post for this particular gratitude series (especially considering we are almost a full month into 2025 already!), although I will continue to share memory stones and any other stories of times God intervened in my life.
There are two stories (although one in particular) that I believe I've occasionally alluded over the years to sharing in more detail at some point, and I've never gotten around to telling it. Until now, that is. Why now? Honestly, the answer to that question is: if not now, then when?
So I've publicly declared on this blog before that I got saved in March 2013 when I read a passage of Scripture that was enough to convince me to be all-in with God, and because I'd never otherwise been baptized as an adult, I got full-body baptized on December 1, 2013 (it was Part 1 of this very gratitude series). In Part 2, I mentioned about the jolt that my faith got in 2019 going into 2020. But I've also had other moments where I experienced God drawing me to Him, and one of which I don't believe I've ever gotten around to telling that story. So I will attempt to do so now.
First, to set up the background for this event, which I believe took place on Saturday, January 22, 2005, as well as to save time, I'm going to link you to a few posts I've already written, in order of timeline as events were happening:
- Fall 2003 - when I left my hometown church
- Spring 2004 - when I joined a weekly youth group (I was not attending Sunday morning services anywhere)
- Beginning of college - the semester before He introduced Himself to me
- J-Term in college (scroll down for what happened my freshman year)
More recent allusions:
- A brief foretaste of experiencing Him at an FCA gathering
- Another brief allusion to the FCA event where I experienced Him (as well as some things that happened the subsequent semester)
- Not that this is super-pertinent to the story of this event, but because I'm pro-context all around, this is the story of what happened a year later. FCA had its great moments, but I found there were also limits to its usefulness in ministering to me, including experiences with other people that were part of this ministry. I think it's also important to note that one other purpose for sharing this story is to illustrate that it is a case of not putting God in a box; He can use anyone and anything to get through to an individual that He is trying to reach.
Before I finally delve into the night of Saturday, January 22, 2005, there are a few more background pieces not mentioned in the above stories:
Prior to January 2005, seeds were already being planted the previous semester, and in fact even as early as an end-of-summer gathering that a bunch of rising sophomores from the Chicagoland area held to welcome incoming freshmen. After meeting the host right when I arrived (and then promptly never talked to again in all the years we overlapped in school), the next person I met I befriended for the next couple years and found out during J-Term 2005 that he was a believer (more on that below). He and I hung out occasionally, most often in the common areas of the college, such as the cafeteria; although no conversations were had about faith as of yet, we found ourselves breaking bread together, sometimes with some of his friends as well.
My first encounter with FCA was in fact sometime during the Fall of 2004, I believe sometime in October. I ended up going on a hay ride (I have no recollection on how I got invited on this; I suspect it was someone I knew well enough at that time who told me about it) and saw a couple other folks I had recognized. I distinctly recall chatting with the twin sister of another guy I would soon befriend (he was possibly the most on-fire for the Lord of all the folks I knew in college) -- who told me about him.
Aside from faith that the Lord was already turning my heart to participate in FCA events, I have no recollection as to how I began attending the weekly meetings in January, considering that I really don't believe I had yet begun attending in November or December 2004. I heard about a lock-in (I'm using the 2nd definition of the word) which took place either on the second or third weekend. I had been part of youth group lock-ins and remember enjoying those. This was just as enjoyable as well. I believe there was praise & worship, Bible study, a message being preached, and food. (And of course, sleep.)
Saturday, January 22, 2005 was an all-day and all-evening event at a house just outside of town, owned by a man who had received a worker's comp settlement some years prior after a major accident at work disfigured his face. But he was a man who loved the Lord and used that money to fix up his house to host Christian groups and ministries such as FCA to have off-campus events there. [Note: our college town had two colleges, so it was double the opportunities for his house to be used for ministry events!] His property had a decent-sized pond behind his house, which during the winter meant an opportunity to host broomball as a leading socializing event along with food, praise & worship, teaching, prayer, testimony-sharing, etc.
One other point to bring up about how special this day turned out to be: I probably went back to this man's house for FCA events another 5 or so times, and no other event went all day and all evening as the one on Saturday, January 22, 2005. This all-day and all-evening event had two broomball tournaments back-to-back (which never happened again on any of the other times I went), with a grail/cup as the prize for each champion. I don't remember whether I happened to be on both championship squads or just one, but I do remember signing the cup and that broomball literally went all day and even well after dark (which, in January was still early).
Similarly, praise & worship took place for multiple hours after dinner (it never lasted as long any of the other times I went). I've shared in other posts about the format and what generally went on during this time. I was experiencing many new things for the first time this night: contemporary praise & worship where people stood and raised hands, people sharing testimonies of faith in front of the group, and looking back, a knowing of the Holy Spirit's presence in that place. At the point I was already a church lifer, but I had never seen such postures of genuine devotion and true heartfelt praise as what I was observing that night!
I wanted in on the action, but wasn't sure how to join in. What I'm about to share isn't a great story, but it's the truth: during praise & worship, as I was closing my eyes and praying (and I had been doing so for a little while, I think), I remembered a trick I was introduced to back in the 8th grade during religion class. Our teacher had handed my classmates and me a piece of paper with a very strange-looking image of what appeared to sort of be a skull. The key was in the instructions as the bottom of the paper: stare at the four vertical dots in the middle of the image for ten seconds, then close your eyes and look up. An image of Jesus will appear. I tested it out that day in the 8th grade, and it worked. I saw an image of Jesus! On that night in 2005, I tried that again. I of course didn't have the piece of paper with me, but I remembered enough of what was important about it. This time, I visualized the four vertical dots for ten straight seconds, and then looked up (I believe my eyes were already closed). Jesus appeared again!
I stayed with the image. He remained as well, at one point appearing to clap with the music, which I took to mean I should clap, too. (I'm assuming that last part, by the way.) What came from this moment were two things: 1.) I needed to go up in front of everyone and share my testimony; and 2.) He highlighted two men I needed to reach out to regarding this moment (two men I already knew).
After hesitating for a song or two, I did go up and speak in front of everyone. I don't remember a thing I said, although I do recall I generally spoke about having had to leave my previous church and wanting to find a real Christian group to be a part of. I also experienced something that I at the time thought of as an "out-of-body" experience; I need to clarify that I no longer believe that that's what happened, as I have no visual of looking at myself from outside of myself while I talked. But I do recall feeling as if I wasn't fully present within myself as I was sharing. So I'm not sure what to call it. Perhaps it is best at this point to say that I allowed the God of the Bible to simply take over my speaking, and He spoke on my behalf.
I did later reach out to the two men I felt God leading me to share my testimony with. One of them was already on that same retreat, so talking with him was easy. The other was the one that I already knew but didn't know he was a believer until soon after this FCA / broomball event. I went on to regularly attend FCA meetings the rest of the year, including going on a mission trip with them to rural Arkansas over Spring Break the following semester. My sophomore year, my attendance did begin to drop as the honeymoon phase ended, but I continued attending somewhat regularly, including participating in both mission trips over Fall Break (Milwaukee) and the next Spring Break (New York City).
As for what happened two years later, during the spring semester of my junior year, the events can still be best explained in this post here. (I realized I didn't redact any names here, as well as those in a couple other posts from that era of life; I'm going to leave it as is, as I haven't kept in touch with any of those folks for a very long time. That, and I didn't share any names in any inflammatory manner, so I believe this is ok.)
I think what I wanted to mention about this is is that the latter event took place after the summer of hell with the roommate from hell. Instead of living with a bunch of other believers in a scenario where I believe I possibly could have gotten saved in the upcoming year, I was on my own. Sure, it was ultimately by my own choice, but at the same time I don't believe I can truly associate with anyone who repeatedly treated me like trash (even after being confronted) or with others who didn't have my back at all. I can't bring myself to do that, even today. I forgive them freely and pray for their good, but that experience forever changed how I saw some of them in terms of trust.
Having shared the above, I find myself amazed that, despite those circumstances, God still broke through. One of the key issues that came up in my wrestling with Christianity was homosexuality -- I was still pro-gay marriage at the time (and would continue to be for a few years afterward) -- considering also that this was after my childhood best friend had "come out of the closet" to me the previous summer (yes, the same summer as mentioned above). Both of those Bible-believing friends (yes, both men who two years prior God led me to reach out to) invited me out to lunch to explain the Bible and Biblical marriage. Later that night, I was at a Bible study that one of them was leading (a separate meeting from FCA), and during that time I felt God touch my heart again. I suddenly felt as if I was drunk or high, but I had not consumed any alcohol or drugs. This was the Holy Spirit, and I was feeling lightness, joy, giddiness in the Spirit. One of those friends and I grabbed a late-night meal after the meeting to debrief. Looking back, what I believe I felt was the supernatural lightness of Jesus's burden: I have to be perfect, but I can't without Jesus's strength and righteousness. So all I need to do is lay my life down for Him, and He will take me up to the top. As it is written:
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:30, NKJV
I'd like to say that the rest of the semester went swimmingly, faith-wise. It didn't; I was not attending FCA or Bible-focused meetings, instead opting for the local Episcopal church in town or the campus church. But God was still faithful nonetheless, helping me in other more immediate ways:
1. He blessed my mind and my academics, helping bring my GPA up to the point where I graduated cum laude.
2. He set up events to allow a friend group to coalesce around me, in a sense replacing what was lost from not having been able to be part of the group of saved Godly men.
3. He even appointed a new best friend for me, one with whom I could have deeper talks than I ever had with anyone else before.
4. Although it wouldn't bear fruit for another 14 years, He did create a space for me to talk about my interest in women and begin to make sense of it.
I think ultimately what motivates me to do these gratitude series and memory stone series can be captured in the below verse (in terms of explaining my efforts to fulfill this):
But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God. 1 Samuel 30:6 (last part), NKJV