A stone from memory lane: my grandpa

Today my grandpa turns 90.

I have to confess, I'm not sure how to write this thing. I've never eulogized anyone I knew, only casually making references of gratitude (or otherwise) here and there. Of course, it's hard to eulogize someone who's still alive. But I'm going to try.

My grandpa (dad's dad) might have been my favorite grandparent growing up. During my years in Houston (ca. 3 months to just over 2 years of age) I got to see him a lot. Apparently, at the end of each workday when he would return home from work, I would leap into his arms and make him tell me everything about the world that I could see: the individual paintings in the living room of his house, the points of interest in the yard (probably trees and such), and the stop sign down at the corner. I insisted on this every day, and he happily obliged. As far as I'm concerned, he was good with kids.

If this were truly in the spirit of a eulogy, I'd stop there. But the older I got, the more I learned, the more complex my opinion became of the man. When I was a teenager, I learned that he was a hardcore Republican, and during my years flirting with liberalism the differences between him and me scared the shit out of me. I worked hard to make sure he didn't know what I was. I'm willing to bet I succeeded.

Then there are the stories of the type of man my grandpa was as a husband and father. All I'll share about that (because of the confidentiality factor) is that his actions and inactions played a role in shaping my life, the same life I'm working on decompressing and making sense of at the Baldwin Center.

I feel I have a lot of his anger, or at least the same desire to take rage-based action on anyone that angered me. (Then again, anger seems to run in plentiful areas around my family.) I also share some similar frustrations with technology. Mine are more indifferences; his are more outright anger and paranoia. Every time my dad visits him, they spend time together cleaning up his computer and re-learning how to use it.

Some months ago, my dad told me that grandpa wants to talk to me, to catch up. OK, intriguing. Then he told me that he was waiting for me to call and wouldn't take the initiative. OK, suspicious. Interesting how someone who "wants to talk to me" won't pick up the phone and call. After all, I'm sure Dad gave him my cell phone number. Sounds like grandpa doesn't really want to talk to me after all. I was busy back in the spring. Didn't have time or energy to do much besides the bare requirements (work, commute, worship band/choir commitments) and decompressing/sleeping.

This "memory stone" post is different from most of the rest in that it's not about a specific time in my life (this post covers many years' worth of experiences), but about a person. And I'm not sure how exactly my grandpa is a memory stone: he doesn't go to church, is probably an agnostic at best, and my experiences with him are mixed. But I've been thinking that I want to go to Texas at some point soon. I figure I'll skip the phone call and just fly to Houston on his dime (and perhaps also Dallas to see a friend there).

I suppose the fact that I still would want to see him means something. Perhaps, as an adult, spending one-on-one time with him might yield something new in our relationship that previous visits may not have. After all, he's still alive (and kicking). Otherwise, he wouldn't be celebrating his birthday today.

So, happy birthday, grandpa. Maybe I'll see you soon.

Romans 8, pt 3

In February I was inspired by a friend to read through Romans 8. I noted that the chapter was divided into three sections, the first two of which I posted not long after the inspiration (to refresh, you can read it here ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/02/romans-8-pts-1-and-2-expounded.html"]).

The first two sections are titled, according to the New International Version, as 1.) Life through the Spirit, and 2.) Present suffering and future glory. The first section essentially talks about the differences between "living in the flesh" and "living in the Spirit," or in other words, indulging in sinful human desires vs. living holy, surrendering all of our fears, defense mechanisms, sorrows, and hurt to Christ, allowing ourselves to be open to him even in the most scary places. As Paul writes at the beginning of the chapter, "...through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God [accomplished] by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering." We can't accomplish holiness on our own. Because of our flesh, we have (I'm dropping in some counseling terms) the Shadow -- defense mechanisms / survival patterns / coping mechanisms / desires to act out -- that constantly threatens and undermines our efforts. We need God. We need him to create an opening for us so that he could empower the Adult and nurture the Child (which he did by sacrificing his Son). And most importantly, we need to take that seemingly scary step and trust him that he will meet all our needs.

The second section talks about how our current suffering doesn't compare to the future glory that comes from knowing Christ. The same is true regardless of our present lots in life. Paul writes both: "But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ." (Philippians 3:7, NIV ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians%203:7&version=NIV"]) and, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18, NIV ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%208:18&version=NIV"]) God calls us to be patient and active in life. I want to grow up now, and I also want to have security without having to do too much for it. But I also know that I probably have a good 62 years left (assuming 90 years of life expectancy). Even if I don't live quite that long, I still have a lot of years left. That's a lot of years to continue to suffer and to consider earthly blessings a loss for the sake of knowing Christ. I gotta do something with that time.

So then, we reach the third section -- titled "More than conquerors (in Christ)" of Romans 8 (verses 31-39, NIV ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%208:31-39&version=NIV"]), which I will paste below:

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Just a quick note on that last part: sin breaks fellowship with God, but it doesn't sever the relationship. Think about a friend of yours who makes you really angry. You don't really want to talk to him or spend time with him right at that moment. Right? But, if you consider him to be a valuable friend, you don't just cut him off. You hold him accountable for his misdeed but you also let him know that the misdeed doesn't define him. To put this back into our passage from Romans, not even sin separates you from the love of God. It makes him angry, yes, because he loves you and expects better of you. But like you and your really valuable friend, he considers you special and precious and worth sacrificing for.

And because he loves you and considers you worth sacrificing for, through the one whom he sacrificed, he considers you more than conquerors, because the one whom he sacrificed is constantly interceding for us.

It helps on those hard days or hard weeks. But I know I need it, day in and day out. I need to know that God is bigger than all my stuff. Like I shared on Monday, I attacked some of the lies that were persisting and saw a large, threatening, engulfing blackness. And then I worshiped with a song about how great God is. As the song goes, blackness such as this tries to hide, but even it fears God. And if I am in God, then that darkness cannot overtake me.

I just need to make myself available for God, and allow myself to take some risks once in a while. I'm beginning to do that, and I am already seeing how it is helping. Learning how to trust is one of the biggest things I can do.

My friend Jason, who moved to L.A. in February ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/02/still-going.html"], returned to Chicago in July to visit. It ended up being a longer, more indefinite stay. He's back in California now. I drove him to the airport yesterday morning and saw him off. Fall arrived yesterday. I'd say he got out of here in time, off to a warmer land to continue being a conqueror in Christ. If I wanted to write more about the good he's done in my life, it would take a separate blog post. But with retirement coming on, I'll have to save it for a different medium of communication.

Off to the next bullet in my schedule.

A stone from memory lane: Spring 2004

[Alternate title: A stone from memory lane: Fall 2003, part 2] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-stone-from-memory-lane-fall-2003.html"]

You know, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the rest of my senior year in high school, besides the default answer: "God carried me." He's been carrying me my entire life because I never learned how to walk until recently. Of course, I've been afraid to try to talk, which I still am.

Like most (if not all) high schoolers, one of the top worries I had was trying to fit in. I had people I thought were cool and wanted to hang out with. But for whatever reason, I never seemed to be able to. Yes, there were challenges with my high school chums from school, but I particularly struggled with those from my year at my church. There was one incident in rehearsal where I stood next to a guy I thought I was cool with, and he told me to go away. We were 18!!! (or thereabouts) I thought we were past that crap. Apparently not.

I remember the Spring of 2004 specifically because of the youth group that a few adults started in the wake of my church's collapse, and I remember that because it was the first time I felt like I had a shot at fitting in with other high schoolers. Granted, they were all younger than I was (the eldest of the bunch was maybe 2 years younger), but for the first time in my life it didn't matter. I just didn't want to be alone in the world anymore. Thanks to Si, Ian (now Iain), Nick, Greta, Laurie, Seth, Alice, Ben, and several others, I wasn't. Aside from Bible/Biblical topic study, we had lots of fun. We played frisbee and other games. We went to what felt like a private evening service at the Seabury church at Northwestern. It was certainly an intimate setting, with just us and a small handful of college students worshiping and breaking bread together (almost literally: at communion time, we would line up in a half-circle and feed each other the bread and wine!). Before FCA, with seeing a vision of God learning to receive all the love that emanated around me, this experience at Seabury was the closest to God I ever felt I got. And after the service, we had dinner at the chaplain's house, where we were guaranteed at least another hour of fellowship. That four-hour span (at least) gave me something to look forward to each week. That was God carrying me.

When I graduated from high school, the woman that ran the youth group that spring pleaded with me to stay with the Episcopal church. I don't remember what I said at the time, but I indicated I would at least try. My experiences over the last eight years have since changed my mind, for reasons I've scattered all over the blog. But one thing I've had to learn is that church is not about socializing. You don't go to church merely to cling on to others. Sure, fellowship is indeed part of living the Christian Life, but it all starts with having a relationship with Jesus. If I put anyone in his place, my faith will not go very far.

I look at it now: the two exiles I endured did not occur by accident; they both had their purposes. The first exile (of which I am talking about now) happened because the thing I put in the place of God -- the church -- collapsed, and I needed to learn that even though a church can and should be a safe place, it doesn't take God's place. The second exile happened because I put a girl I'd liked in the Lord's place; I went to church because of her. When she graduated, it seemed as if everything came down. What I needed to learn then (and I still struggle with now, although improving) is that no one person -- whether a pastor, a choir director, or even just a friend -- can take His place.

In fact, it's not about "going to church" at all. It's about living that relationship with God and walking close with him; this is what the Christian life is about. At the end of every morning service at Evanston Vineyard, the pastor who delivers the sermon says: "Now, go out and be the church." It's not about Sunday, although it is a time (along with Bible study) to fill up on God's word; it's about the rest of the week, about what we do at home, in the workplace, in the streets, and at places we go for fun. It's about taking what we've learned and bringing it into the world. This is true regardless of what church or type of church I attend.

I'm slowly improving on that. There is a lot of fear and rebellion and stubbornness that still needs to be cut through. I'm at a point where I feel kind of stuck in life and all I can really pray and ask is: "God, your will be done." I know that he will be faithful to that, above all else.

A stone from memory lane: Fall 2003

Over the last ten-or-so years, I've had some seasons that have stuck out more than others. One example would be Winter/Spring 2005 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2006/01/retracing-some-steps.html"], when I rejoined the Christian faith after my first exile, had a vision of God, and went on a mission trip with St. Olaf Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) to rural Arkansas. God had seen the pain of the previous year and used this time to show me that it is possible to be loved -- unconditionally -- by other people besides my parents. Other such times were Fall of 2006 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/07/stone-from-memory-lane-god-sent.html"], Spring of 2007 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/05/stone-from-memory-lane-end-of-junior.html"], Winter of 2010, and so on.

To be fair, it wasn't merely Fall of 2003 that stuck out, but everything from approx. June 2003 to approx. June 2004. I say this because, based on how my brain worked, I memorized what day of the week most of these months started (July 1st started on a Tuesday, August 1st on a Friday, September on a Monday, October on a Wednesday, etc), and I memorized quite a few key dates, which I won't burden you with here.

Briefly, Spring 2004 was special because by this point I'd cut myself off from the church. I'd been a church boy all my life, so to stop attending church cold-turkey was shocking and painful for me. I'll share more in another post, but I wanted to mention it because the story does continue, as all stories do.

That spring, a few members of my ex-church had put together a youth group because the shit that was going on was affecting us high school kids. We needed God. We needed community. We needed hope. I suppose more accurately, I needed God, I needed community, and I needed hope. Even though I knew enough about God and Jesus and many of those stories, the Episcopal church simply didn't do enough to assist me in my walk. I didn't even know having a relationship with the Lord was possible!

So of course I would put my hope in the 2003 Chicago Cubs, that they would, in a sense, achieve salvation by winning the world series. And of course, I would put my hope in my church, which, by this time, I knew what was going on. And I really should have been more sheltered than I was. I didn't fully understand what it meant to put hope in something that was good for me, as opposed to something that wasn't. I knew, in a sense, that if I were to love God, and to put my hope in those that I loved, I would draw the connection. But I loved the Cubs and I loved the church, and it was in these things that I put my trust, not God (even though I thought I was!).

In many ways, the Fall of 2003 was a crowning high point of my life to date in many areas. I was connected with my fellow high school church members, and not just in church or in choir. I had a lot of pride in the choir, which had just come back from a tour to England which included singing some prestigious compositions at prestigious locations. I was feeling like I could start to break out of my shell and take some risks, like meeting a girl at a Halloween party and asking her out to a movie. I was satisfied musically, socially, and (what I thought to be) spiritually.

Almost a decade later, I see that it was an early move of God breaking old things in my life and steering me toward new things. My church had been struggling with corruption for years, nay, decades. During childhood it had been a safe haven for me because no other place was quite as safe. But He knew that it wasn't to be a place for me for long. Sin and evil would come out from under the shadows and rear its ugly head, ultimately taking down the institution from the inside out. But more importantly, I needed to leave a place where I was never going to understand having a relationship with the Most High. It's not that the Episcopal church didn't believe in it or teach it; it just wasn't a high enough priority, and because of it I wasn't steered towards it.

Five years ago, when I posted about my first church's downfall, ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2007/02/finally-truth-or-part-of-it-as-to-how-i.html"], it was only about the story: about what happened, who it affected, and something along the lines of God punishing the sinners for their unrepentant hearts. But it's about more than just that. The story continues; it didn't die when I left. Sometimes the church put itself in the place of the Almighty, consequently blocking one from knowing Him, and I know that He really doesn't like that. "You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God." (Luke 16:15; New King James Version) ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+16:15&version=NKJV"]

How ironic that a church is held accountable in a Gospel after which it was named! But, that Gospel passage also applies to me; I am not permitted to delight in the church's downfall. I am not above the law. I cannot hold myself in such an esteem that rivals the Heavenly Father. It's not about me; it cannot be about me. He got me out of that toxic place because he wanted me in a place where I can get to know him, him, personally. But I also know that he loves ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5:25&version=NKJV"] his Church (Ephesians 5:27, NKJV). So I must pray for its cleansing, for it to be restored to rightness in God's sight.

And perhaps it is time for me to completely let go of the bitterness. I've been able to let go of most of it, given the journey I've been on the last seven years. But although I have grown and healed in many ways, I still choose to not initiate contact with most Episcopalians from my former days. As God dictates, I will let go and move forward. St. Luke's Episcopal was my haven for many years, after all, even if that era didn't end well.

Re: politics: underneath, I've always been this way

I don't like politics. I've been there, done that, emotionally invested to the point of living angry, lived the lie of the war being against flesh and blood. I lived with a roommate after college who recognized the such as a lie but still often lived as if he believed it to be true. Store your treasures in heaven.

The whole series I did about "the night I officially became a liberal ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2005/04/night-i-officially-became-liberal.html"], conservative ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2009/06/night-i-officially-became-conservative.html"], moderate ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/11/night-i-officially-became-moderate.html"] was total crap. Each was based on a trigger (or multiple triggers), and as such I felt as if I were lumped along with the demographic in question, whether because I felt for them and a part of them, or because I was pronounced as such. I don't like being lumped in or labeled. It's stupid.

There's a Bible verse I quoted 4 years ago when Senators Barack Obama and John McCain were vying to replace the outgoing George W. Bush: "The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted." Psalm 46:6, King James Version ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2046:6&version=KJV"]. Translation: it's just an election. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter who wins. Yes, it affects the direction the country may take over the next four years, but that's about it.

Yes, except the US has been in a slow downward spiral for a while, and it has nothing to do with either party. The only real differences between Republicans and Democrats is how they like to run things. OK, so pick a system already! Except the federal government is so dysfunctional that they can't do anything. Even if such a government had all Republicans or all Democrats... yikes. What a bunch of nothing. And it's only worse when you have both parties represented.

My great idea is to dissolve both parties. If I were ever elected president, that might be one of my first moves in office. It might be my only move in office. Screw everything, whatever the country's current problems may be -- an unpopular war, a terrible economy -- we've all been there before. I'm hitting the reset button in a way almost no one will like (including those that say they like it but secretly hope it'll never happen), but in a way that effectively cleans house, just like the God of Abraham and his descendants in the Old Testament.

So I'm not at all excited for this election. I don't like Obama, and I don't like Republican candidate Mitt Romney. My anti-Obama argument goes something like this: "are we better off than we were 4 years ago?" Only thing is, I could have asked that same question 4 years ago, and 8 years ago, and... well, you get the point. But, no; Obama threw a lot of money at a housing crisis from the Bush era and it didn't make the problem any better. I just lost a lot of money in the gamble (at least, that's what many Americans are saying). That, and ObamaCare ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/06/obamacare-upheld.html"]. My anti-Romney argument is much simpler: he's a Mormon. I'm a Christian first, and an American second (at best). I don't care that Romney thinks he's going to fix the economy. He's a Mormon. I have my priorities in order.

I want someone who's not going to spew crap and lie. If I have to, I'll write Ron Paul on the ballot. I don't necessarily agree with everything he stands for (although I'm sure I agree with a lot he stands for), but at least he's honest. Even if he doesn't get everything right, he seems to have a good sense of priorities.

As I wrote ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/07/inconvenient-truth-americas-236th.html"] a short while back, this country is screwed. Most people are going to blame "the other party," and perhaps they're somewhat right. But no one ever looks in the mirror anymore. No one looks at their own crap, at their own issues, and sees what's beneath the anger.

For me, the issue is primarily what's in the person's heart. I was listening on Moody Bible Radio and listening to a pastor, whilst on the topic of wayward people, start talking about liberals. Now, I don't think I would disagree with him, but I was triggered because it sounded like he was targeting them for more than mere commentary. I switched the radio off right at that point because of the charged nature the sermon was taking on. I have problems with people targeting demographics and blaming them when the real issue is tied more to human nature than anything. It's not a conservative thing. It's not a liberal thing. It's a human thing.

Underneath, I've always been this way. My voyages across parts of the political spectrum were almost always triggered by events that affected me personally (I think this is true for a lot of people, their beliefs often shaped by such things), and whatever motivation I had was to look out for what's best for me. I don't think that will ever change.