Over the last ten-or-so years, I've had some seasons that have stuck out more than others. One example would be Winter/Spring 2005 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2006/01/retracing-some-steps.html"], when I rejoined the Christian faith after my first exile, had a vision of God, and went on a mission trip with St. Olaf Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) to rural Arkansas. God had seen the pain of the previous year and used this time to show me that it is possible to be loved -- unconditionally -- by other people besides my parents. Other such times were Fall of 2006 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/07/stone-from-memory-lane-god-sent.html"], Spring of 2007 ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2010/05/stone-from-memory-lane-end-of-junior.html"], Winter of 2010, and so on.
To be fair, it wasn't merely Fall of 2003 that stuck out, but everything from approx. June 2003 to approx. June 2004. I say this because, based on how my brain worked, I memorized what day of the week most of these months started (July 1st started on a Tuesday, August 1st on a Friday, September on a Monday, October on a Wednesday, etc), and I memorized quite a few key dates, which I won't burden you with here.
Briefly, Spring 2004 was special because by this point I'd cut myself off from the church. I'd been a church boy all my life, so to stop attending church cold-turkey was shocking and painful for me. I'll share more in another post, but I wanted to mention it because the story does continue, as all stories do.
That spring, a few members of my ex-church had put together a youth group because the shit that was going on was affecting us high school kids. We needed God. We needed community. We needed hope. I suppose more accurately, I needed God, I needed community, and I needed hope. Even though I knew enough about God and Jesus and many of those stories, the Episcopal church simply didn't do enough to assist me in my walk. I didn't even know having a relationship with the Lord was possible!
So of course I would put my hope in the 2003 Chicago Cubs, that they would, in a sense, achieve salvation by winning the world series. And of course, I would put my hope in my church, which, by this time, I knew what was going on. And I really should have been more sheltered than I was. I didn't fully understand what it meant to put hope in something that was good for me, as opposed to something that wasn't. I knew, in a sense, that if I were to love God, and to put my hope in those that I loved, I would draw the connection. But I loved the Cubs and I loved the church, and it was in these things that I put my trust, not God (even though I thought I was!).
In many ways, the Fall of 2003 was a crowning high point of my life to date in many areas. I was connected with my fellow high school church members, and not just in church or in choir. I had a lot of pride in the choir, which had just come back from a tour to England which included singing some prestigious compositions at prestigious locations. I was feeling like I could start to break out of my shell and take some risks, like meeting a girl at a Halloween party and asking her out to a movie. I was satisfied musically, socially, and (what I thought to be) spiritually.
Almost a decade later, I see that it was an early move of God breaking old things in my life and steering me toward new things. My church had been struggling with corruption for years, nay, decades. During childhood it had been a safe haven for me because no other place was quite as safe. But He knew that it wasn't to be a place for me for long. Sin and evil would come out from under the shadows and rear its ugly head, ultimately taking down the institution from the inside out. But more importantly, I needed to leave a place where I was never going to understand having a relationship with the Most High. It's not that the Episcopal church didn't believe in it or teach it; it just wasn't a high enough priority, and because of it I wasn't steered towards it.
Five years ago, when I posted about my first church's downfall, ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2007/02/finally-truth-or-part-of-it-as-to-how-i.html"], it was only about the story: about what happened, who it affected, and something along the lines of God punishing the sinners for their unrepentant hearts. But it's about more than just that. The story continues; it didn't die when I left. Sometimes the church put itself in the place of the Almighty, consequently blocking one from knowing Him, and I know that He really doesn't like that. "You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God." (Luke 16:15; New King James Version) ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+16:15&version=NKJV"]
How ironic that a church is held accountable in a Gospel after which it was named! But, that Gospel passage also applies to me; I am not permitted to delight in the church's downfall. I am not above the law. I cannot hold myself in such an esteem that rivals the Heavenly Father. It's not about me; it cannot be about me. He got me out of that toxic place because he wanted me in a place where I can get to know him, him, personally. But I also know that he loves ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5:25&version=NKJV"] his Church (Ephesians 5:27, NKJV). So I must pray for its cleansing, for it to be restored to rightness in God's sight.
And perhaps it is time for me to completely let go of the bitterness. I've been able to let go of most of it, given the journey I've been on the last seven years. But although I have grown and healed in many ways, I still choose to not initiate contact with most Episcopalians from my former days. As God dictates, I will let go and move forward. St. Luke's Episcopal was my haven for many years, after all, even if that era didn't end well.
No comments:
Post a Comment