As I embark on telling this story, I’m anticipating the
difficulty in sharing it. I have no problem sharing how God was speaking to me
and revealing things to me in the months between breaking up with my ex and
meeting my now-wife for the first time, and to a degree I have no issue with
sharing signs that I noticed God share over the years leading up to this point
of His promise of a spouse for me. The other details, particularly the varying
significance of the (female) individuals that crossed my path at different
points, are difficult. On the one hand, I care about protecting their identities
as well as (to a degree) the details of any shared experiences, on the off
chance that any of them ever happen to come across this page in the future and
see this post. On the other hand, I fear that retelling too much of this story
may open up a valve in my mind and heart that leads me to fall into temptation
and relive the hell that I lived back then when I knew them.
All that said, it still doesn’t make sense for me to share
different memories of God intervening in my life over the years without talking
about this area of my life. So how I will try to approach this is to highlight
the key points around what living with the Godly desire of a wife was like, first
while the desire itself was forming, then while I was waiting for it to be fulfilled,
then when I was nearing the season in which He was about to fulfill it, and
then a few key moments during my wife’s and my phase of getting to know each other in which
He used various events to solidify our relationship together.
Part 1: the forming of the desire (early years – college)
First, I do believe that desiring an opposite-sex spouse –
and desiring a monogamous relationship with one – is a gift given by God. After
all,
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor
from the Lord. Proverbs
18:22, NIV
The origins of my desire first emerged while my parents were
going through a painful separation and divorce process. Seeing my family tear
apart before my eyes (I’m also an only child) bore great pain, but also bore
the beginnings of a desire and as much of a resolve, that kindergarten-aged me
could muster, to find and create for myself as an adult what I was not going to
get as a child.
Then, as soon as the origins of that desire began, it
stopped, thanks to my first “friend group” that I made in 1st grade
(and one of whom I remained friends with until well into adulthood – see story here).
We were young elementary school aged boys well before puberty, so disliking
girls was kind of a thing at that age. I took that “disliking girls” thing to
heart, something that would affect me for a very long time afterward, well into
my post-puberty years. It wasn’t so much an issue when I was in New York, due
to it being an all-boys school, and due to the fact that our schedules were constantly
so busy (even the times set aside for fun) that dealing with girls and lusts
and temptations was not really something I had to worry about.
It was only when I had returned to Chicago for high school
(and more significantly to a co-ed school) that all the sinful issues related
to being around girls hit me like a ton of bricks. Sure, I was like any typical
teenager with hormones and thoughts, and because of what was drilled into my head about never
touching people or suggesting any kind of activity without their consent, etc.,
I was able to keep myself clean on the outside. But on the inside… that’s where
the battle raged, and its where I fought and suffered in silence and in
isolation (for different reasons). I was never taught about sexual sin at
church, school, or home, because everywhere I went subscribed to a non-Biblical
view of sexuality as it was. Nonetheless, I survived through high school, and
looking back was able to chalk it all up to teenagerhood being naturally
difficult.
It wasn’t until I was in college that things began to turn. Factors
including experiencing other people of real faith (as opposed to the Episcopal
bubble I had lived in my entire life up until that point), as well as other
events, helped make me realize my desire beyond just the natural part of it.
For years, based on what I had experienced going on around me, I had cultivated
a mindset of not caring what kind of activity or relationship, settling for “whatever
I could get.” This was also the case because I wasn’t getting anything, in addition
to what I had been taught and what I had understood about how people my age handled
sexual/romantic desires (and in many cases, even platonic friendships as well!).
A key event – and really, a person – that changed all this
was meeting someone during my time in school who exemplified the things about
my real desires that I had gradually buried over the years since it first burgeoned
when I was little. In truth, she and I only ever related platonically and hung
out super-occasionally (including after college, I count the total number of
times on one hand that we spent getting to know each other!). There were other
factors that I do believe God used to really allow me to feel what I felt
toward her (she was Episcopalian, something I thought I would never find again
after leaving my church prior to college, and she had a few of the same attracting
quirks that my wife also has). [She became the primary character inspiration
for Maggie in the Faraway State of Mind series.]
Long after we dropped out of touch, what endures about her
all these years later is her last name. For confidentiality reasons, I cannot
share it here, but I will say that her name is a key word and concept in the
Bible that I know God was using her deliberately in my life to serve a very
important purpose. Prior to meeting her, I was content with finding “just about
anybody” to experience “whatever I could get” and call it good enough. After
meeting her, my desires shifted to wanting a committed, monogamous relationship
with someone who I was not only physically attracted to, but also attracted to
her mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I don’t think I was able to bring
myself to say I wanted a “wife” as of yet (my thought process at the time was: “wife,
girlfriend, same thing… as long as we love each other”), but it was a huge step
in that direction.
Part 2: waiting for the desire to be fulfilled (college –
2019)
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled
is a tree of life. Proverbs
13:12, NIV
With that settled, now it was a period of waiting, a period
that ended up far longer than I would have expected once I first entered this
phase. First was getting me plugged into a real, Bible-believing church with a
strong community so that I wouldn’t be easily tempted to leave. Second was
getting me involved in a ministry (in this case, choir) that somehow allowed me
to duck the usual requirements for membership (all ministry leaders were
required to be members) until three years later. Third was then putting another
woman my age in my life (really, there were several, but one in particular was
a bigger test than the others) to get me to learn how to enjoy being simply
friends with a woman (a test I failed). Fourth was getting me into counseling
when it became apparent that a church, a Bible study, a ministry, and a community
alone weren’t enough. Fifth, after a few years of abstaining from any kind of
contact with peers (in favor of befriending older-generation folks at my church
and other places), was getting me to try again in terms of practicing
connecting with women my age (this time through a job where I accompanied
opera-trained singers in music therapy sing-along sessions in nursing homes).
Sixth, after success at being friendly and collaborative with women my age, and
after another failure at a potential dating opportunity, was getting into
online dating (for practicing purposes, if nothing else) at the behest of my
support group. And finally, seventh, was actually being in a relationship and
getting to experience its full cycle including the failures.
There were times when the wait was agonizing. There were
also times when I got very comfortable with the waiting, as it allowed me to
look for and find other purposes in life, something that I hadn’t really done
in my first phase, especially once I had begun high school. But I saw God be
present in each phase within the time of waiting. I remember one time during a
Fellowship of Christian Athletes event in college being part of a small group
discussion where one of my fellow members commenting about how dating and
marriage had no point unless God came first in our lives, and that we needed
Him to direct our steps in this area to have success. In subsequent spiritual
conversations when this topic arose, the common theme I heard was: “focus on
your relationship with God first, then worry about your relationship with
others (including a potential spouse).”
While my experiences with the Episcopalian gal from college played
a role in beginning the transformation of my desires, different friendships I
made while attending the Vineyard, as well as at work and in other places,
helped water certain areas that I needed to grow, to a point where once I
learned how to do a certain phase correctly, I was able to move on to the next
phase and learn how to do that right. In 2012, when I first started seeking
help at the Place, I realized I needed to do a full tear-down approach
regarding everything I thought I had understood about how adult life worked in
order to completely re-learn. In 2018, I did the same thing again regarding
dating when I first was stepping into that world as well. I had to utterly
throw out everything I had been told about dating (or even witnessed) and build
it up from complete scratch.
God used every person I met during this time, likely unbeknownst
to them, to help play a role in moving my growth forward. Even my ex played such
a role, although as time went by it became increasingly clear that we weren’t
compatible with each other. God used her to give me the experience I needed to
understand give-and-take in a relationship that has allowed me to practice it
with my wife since I first met her almost 5 years ago.
Part 3: nearing the season in which God was about to fulfill
it (Fall 2019/Winter 2020)
Have patience: if she really does care for you, she'll wait
for you. If she does choose another man, it either means she wouldn't have been
good for you in the first place (i.e. her heart is not in the right place … or
she was meant for him …). If she is right for you, you'll know it because she
will willingly wait for you, no matter how long it takes. She'll be there when
you're ready. I know [what your heart desires]. But I want to give you [what]'s
best for you. Sometimes that means ya gotta wait. I don't want to just give you
“just anybody.”
I heard the above in March 2012, right around the time when
I would embark on the tear-down approach I mentioned in the previous section.
Another 7 ½ years would pass before I would see more signs, this time signaling
that the time of meeting “the one” was near. The irony of it all was that, after
my ex and I had broken up, dating was the last thing I had wanted to think
about. As far as I was concerned, I had finally gotten a real taste of what I
had been looking for, and I was aware of the possibility of it being a while
before I met someone else. But I believe God had other plans.
The main theme from 2019 was not the decline in my
relationship with my ex (although that did happen), but really God putting me in
a place where I had to face my need for Him. I had been doing music as a career
since 2012/2013, and while there were good points, it was barely enough for me
to afford living, with not many signs of my work growing. Events unfolded that
forced me to take a hard look at this career and move toward finding a
different career. It also forced me to become at least somewhat willing to move
toward reconciliation with some family members.
I’ve mentioned on here before about how my repenting in the
Fall of 2019 led to God restoring my ability to compose music. What it also led
to was a series of dreams, visions, signs, and discussions between Him and me
regarding – what else? – what I look for in a partner.
Although I cannot perfectly pinpoint when my rebellion ended
and my repentance began in 2019, a couple major spiritual milestones occurred
that began the shifting of my heart. The first was a month of fasting of
various different types in June 2019, along with the rest of my church as we
anticipated the arrival of the new senior pastor. In lieu of the things I
fasted from, I feasted by blogging every day during this time and by posting
something faith-related, whether a Bible verse, a devotional, or some way I
experienced God. The second milestone was an Immanuel Approach retreat I had
gone to in rural Georgia where I was able to experience and connect with God
more, especially regarding several difficulties that had been going on in my
life at that time. The most significant thing that occurred on that retreat was
a prayer session where I stepped in against the devil and his demons who had been
accusing me regarding an event that had occurred earlier that year. Upon Jesus’
encouragement, I stood up to them and began wielding the sword of the Spirit
(see Ephesians 6:17) against them, slaying each demon until I reclaimed in the
vision what the enemy had taken from me. I found the retreat itself to be a kind
of spiritual warfare zone, where, prior to this incident with the enemy, I felt
alone among a bunch of strangers, but afterward I felt at home among a bunch of
friends I had just met.
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the
day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have
done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled
around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with
your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In
addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can
extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of
salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians
6:13-17, NIV
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| Image of me wielding a sword and Jesus encouraging me |
The following month, I began attending a small group focused
on healing prayer for the fall semester, during which I took further steps
toward letting go not only of my ex but another key friendship in my life as
well. During this time, I had a very poignant dream in which I felt God
challenge me regarding stepping up and taking more responsibility in my life,
as well as letting of things that are past that still weighed on me, but also included
a promise that, despite how things might appear, the possibility one day of a
woman in my life who either would stick with me, or, if she had gone and had
gotten ahead of me, she would stop and wait, or she would stop and turn back
toward me upon realizing as much.
As time continued to go on, I then saw the below images:
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| Image of two very old blue Dodge Durangoes (one of which I was borrowing while in between cars) |
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| Image of a green heart-shaped leaf |
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| Image of a tan Honda CR-V on the road from inside my tan Honda CR-V (which I was about to be getting rid of) |
Also during this time, I had bought the complete Bone saga
and read through the whole comic (prior to this time, I had read almost half of
it via single-volume installments I had previously purchased over time). It was
a powerful story that, despite being a secular comic, I believe God used to
minister to my heart in this area. The climax of the story was particularly
heart-rendering, and I grieved it. I believe connecting with this grief, albeit
due to a synthetic source, allowed God to open my heart to a relationship
should it come down the line anytime soon. [I posted a series of reflections on
this saga. To read more, go here: Prologue,
Part
1, Part
2, Part
3, and Part
4.]
I had a second Immanuel Approach 1:1 session with a friend
who was trained in this, and then a third partial session during a meeting with
my counselor in which the following was revealed: Jesus was leading me through
the dark recesses of my heart, almost like going through the darkened basement
of a building, until we stopped at a window next to a door opening to the
outside. I saw Jesus, almost like a military leader, peering through the window
to see what was outside and strategizing His next move for us. Then He opened
the door, and… the vision was cut off. (People well-versed in Immanuel Approach
circles have described this as a moment when a spiritual attack could be
occurring.) Later, when I brought this to my counselor and he asked me to
resume where Jesus and I had left off, we were back at the edge of the dark
basement room, with Jesus looking outside. Only this time, when He opened the
door to the outside, it was a beautiful day and we were now outside, standing
on the corner. As I looked back toward the building and toward Him, it almost
appeared as if He was wearing a bride’s wedding gown. (Weird, I know, but please
keep reading.) Next, the scene transmogrified to where there was a woman
standing in her wedding dress where Jesus had previously been standing, and He had
moved to the officiant’s spot, ready to officiate our wedding.
As for the discussion about what I was looking for in a prospective
partner, it happened while I was on the train en route to an interview with a staffing
agency in downtown Chicago. After cross-checking my records, I think this interview
occurred after I had seen the above images, and after I had finished the comic
saga. I was about a month-and-a-half removed from my previous relationship, and
I was only beginning to be ready to even think about dating (although I admit I
would have needed some convincing). But nonetheless, I felt Him drop the
question in my lap. I was hesitant at first to even engage, but after some
gentle poking and prodding, I shared that I needed any prospective partner to
be easy to talk to, as I had enough issues with awkwardness as it was. As I
went on, I identified a few other things that were important, both from my
learning experiences with my ex, as well as other things that attracted me or
drew me in to them.
It was a lot of encouragement in such a short amount of
time. Logistically, however, there were many circumstances that I was still in
that didn’t appear to facilitate the successful start of a serious
relationship, but as time would go on, God would work those things out as well.
Part 4: fulfilling the desire and solidification (Winter/Spring
2020 – present)
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the
wife of your youth. Proverbs
5:18, NIV
As I may have mentioned on here, my love and I were
introduced by a mutual friend, someone she grew up with who was also in one of
my small groups at my former church. After a week of messaging, we met up,
first at her church (which is now our church), and then to lunch at Culver’s.
Our second date happened to line up with Valentine’s Day. I knew what I had to
do. I offered her a few options, including Italian, Thai, and several other
cuisine options, all in her neck of the woods. She countered and asked for
Panera. I remember thinking: “all right! This is my kinda gal!” (I say that,
because I often frequented Panera on days when my work schedule would cause me
to be out all day.)
I believe God worked out the next phase of our relationship,
which has often been a phase that many relationships have failed: really
getting to know one another. This coincided with the worst of COVID in Spring
2020. With our inability to gather in person, we connected on Zoom every day
and talked. And talked. And talked and talked and talked. We were up until 3 AM
many nights chatting and enjoying one another’s company because there was so much
to talk about and connect over. And yes, she is very easy to talk to, and she checks many, many, many more boxes for me as well. Praise God!
Although we had some bumps in the road along the way during
this phase, God made a way for things to be ironed out. And by the end of the
spring, I officially asked her to be my girlfriend, to which she said yes.
(This was also around the time we said our first “I love you”s to each other.)
The rest, more or less, is history, as life moved more
toward logistics of preparing for marriage, which would take a few years yet,
and now living as a married couple. This was indeed a dream fulfilled, one that,
depending on how you look at it, was one in the making for at least 12 ½ years,
if not over 30 (dating back to the very beginning of when this desire first originated).
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires
of your heart. Psalms
37:4, NIV
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