Job has always been a triggering book for me. The basic premise goes like this:
Satan crashes a "heavenly beings" meeting; ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%201:6&version=NIV"]
God gives him permission to wreck Job's life, first by taking his children and possessions away, ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%201:12&version=NIV"]
and then by taking away his health, ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%202:6&version=NIV"]
Job gets angry, and asks why God lets this happen; ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%209:22&version=NIV"]
God gets angry at Job for questioning him; ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2038&version=NIV"]
and God gives him back twice the blessings that Job had had before ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2042:10&version=NIV"]
The problem was, I processed it a different way: all these bad things happen to Job, Job lets God know how he feels, and God yells at him for complaining. God only is nice to Job when Job says, "I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." It was hard for me because it meant I had to accept that these things could happen ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2006/06/wake-up-call.html"] to me and not "demand … an explanation." Asking "why?" and "what about me?" was second nature to me. Still is. And from reading this book, I was convinced God didn't care about me, except for when I would demand an explanation from him.
But it wasn't until last year that I discovered God really did care about me. It wasn't until last year that I discovered what really happened in my life, thus leading me to ask such presumably selfish things. The bad things that happened to Job happened to him as an adult; I, on the other hand, was in my early childhood when my similar stuff happened. Even though whatever happens to me as an adult is separate from what happened when I was a kid, the latter stuff, when unresolved, reverberates through the rest of my life until it is resolved. God cares about things that happen to me, and a message I've been receiving is that he wants everything restored, everything healed, as much as possible.
I wrote an email to my friends along with whom I am plowing through the Bible this year, sharing my story with this particular book. I won't copy and paste here, but I'll outline the four steps that have helped me see the truth and what God wants me to take away from Job's story:
1.) God did not cause Job to lose everything he had. It's not God's fault, but he did allow it to happen as a time of sharpening for Job, a sharpening of his faith in God.
2.) While arguing with his friends, Job believed some lies about God: that he was unjust, that he doesn't punish the wicked, that he punishes good men. Job had some serious tunnel vision [It is all the same to me; that is why I say: "He destroys both the blameless and the wicked." Job 9:22].
3.) Even upright people go through trials. God sharpens people to try them, test their faith, at any time, for any length of time. Why? Because he's God, he gets to do what he wants with his creation.
4.) After Job repents, God gives him everything back, twice as much. Last summer when I shared my dream about the blind newborns, one friend suggested the term "double blessing." True, coming to Vineyard after my last exile certainly has been a double blessing unto itself, particularly in that even in the downs of life I haven't left the church. When I was in exile, I couldn't be bothered to commit to a church for more than maybe a month. I would feel lacking somewhere inside of myself, and go to another place to find it.
Job's story still doesn't completely sit well with me, but it sits a lot better than it used to. I think it's just frustrating not knowing what's going on or what will happen, and on top of that I have to trust that something good will happen. My tunnel vision is that a lot of my life has been full of crap, and it's hard for me to understand or believe in something I've never really experienced. It's getting easier.