[Alternate title: A stone from memory lane: Fall 2003, part 2] ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-stone-from-memory-lane-fall-2003.html"]
You know, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the rest of my senior year in high school, besides the default answer: "God carried me." He's been carrying me my entire life because I never learned how to walk until recently. Of course, I've been afraid to try to talk, which I still am.
Like most (if not all) high schoolers, one of the top worries I had was trying to fit in. I had people I thought were cool and wanted to hang out with. But for whatever reason, I never seemed to be able to. Yes, there were challenges with my high school chums from school, but I particularly struggled with those from my year at my church. There was one incident in rehearsal where I stood next to a guy I thought I was cool with, and he told me to go away. We were 18!!! (or thereabouts) I thought we were past that crap. Apparently not.
I remember the Spring of 2004 specifically because of the youth group that a few adults started in the wake of my church's collapse, and I remember that because it was the first time I felt like I had a shot at fitting in with other high schoolers. Granted, they were all younger than I was (the eldest of the bunch was maybe 2 years younger), but for the first time in my life it didn't matter. I just didn't want to be alone in the world anymore. Thanks to Si, Ian (now Iain), Nick, Greta, Laurie, Seth, Alice, Ben, and several others, I wasn't. Aside from Bible/Biblical topic study, we had lots of fun. We played frisbee and other games. We went to what felt like a private evening service at the Seabury church at Northwestern. It was certainly an intimate setting, with just us and a small handful of college students worshiping and breaking bread together (almost literally: at communion time, we would line up in a half-circle and feed each other the bread and wine!). Before FCA, with seeing a vision of God learning to receive all the love that emanated around me, this experience at Seabury was the closest to God I ever felt I got. And after the service, we had dinner at the chaplain's house, where we were guaranteed at least another hour of fellowship. That four-hour span (at least) gave me something to look forward to each week. That was God carrying me.
When I graduated from high school, the woman that ran the youth group that spring pleaded with me to stay with the Episcopal church. I don't remember what I said at the time, but I indicated I would at least try. My experiences over the last eight years have since changed my mind, for reasons I've scattered all over the blog. But one thing I've had to learn is that church is not about socializing. You don't go to church merely to cling on to others. Sure, fellowship is indeed part of living the Christian Life, but it all starts with having a relationship with Jesus. If I put anyone in his place, my faith will not go very far.
I look at it now: the two exiles I endured did not occur by accident; they both had their purposes. The first exile (of which I am talking about now) happened because the thing I put in the place of God -- the church -- collapsed, and I needed to learn that even though a church can and should be a safe place, it doesn't take God's place. The second exile happened because I put a girl I'd liked in the Lord's place; I went to church because of her. When she graduated, it seemed as if everything came down. What I needed to learn then (and I still struggle with now, although improving) is that no one person -- whether a pastor, a choir director, or even just a friend -- can take His place.
In fact, it's not about "going to church" at all. It's about living that relationship with God and walking close with him; this is what the Christian life is about. At the end of every morning service at Evanston Vineyard, the pastor who delivers the sermon says: "Now, go out and be the church." It's not about Sunday, although it is a time (along with Bible study) to fill up on God's word; it's about the rest of the week, about what we do at home, in the workplace, in the streets, and at places we go for fun. It's about taking what we've learned and bringing it into the world. This is true regardless of what church or type of church I attend.
I'm slowly improving on that. There is a lot of fear and rebellion and stubbornness that still needs to be cut through. I'm at a point where I feel kind of stuck in life and all I can really pray and ask is: "God, your will be done." I know that he will be faithful to that, above all else.