Music compositional update, part 3

 

To wrap up my compositional update as of the end of 2022, outside of the little matter of writing the fourth movement to the Piano Sonata in F-sharp minor (“The Honeymoon”), there isn’t currently that much in the way of small projects. I will likely always have this goal of setting as much of the Bible to music as possible, as well as other ideas as they come up. As for future piano works, I may take a bit of a break after writing The Honeymoon. Until I began writing the Piano Suite in B-flat major, I hadn’t really done a whole lot in terms of having new piano music (that I could quickly learn to play) since about 2010. The main reason was that, for many years, my attention was focused on developing my craft as a pop song and praise song writer. Now I’m kind of sick and tired of writing piano pieces exclusively in Sonata form, because I’m kind of reaching that “same old, same old” place. As such, I’m looking at what else I could write…

In spring of 2019 I saw a license plate that basically said: symphony. I still didn’t quite understand how to interpret signs, primarily the question of whether it came from God or not. I at least was aware enough at the time to recognize this. However, just to be safe, I sketched out about 2/3 of a slow movement of a symphonic movement, just in case. It has since been sitting on the sidelines, waiting for me to pick it back up again. It still needs a development section and a coda section. And then at least two more movements.

So I could pick that up again. I also still have many sketches in my old sketchbooks that have yet to be developed and finalized into fully-fledged pieces. I do also still have a handful of pop songs that are unfinished that could be worth something. Plus, the Minimalist Piano Sonata in B-flat minor needs two more movements.

Beating around the bush aside, I do have a big project that’s been on my mind and heart off and on for about a year-and-a-half now. I’ve got the basic concepts down, as well as a super-basic overarching format for the whole thing. About a month ago, I felt God impress upon my heart to make Bible verses the center of each part. So, that part of the project is just about done. (I have to finalize a few of the verses and alignment with the right sections.)

However… I’ve never been much for big projects. I know, I sound like Moses when he said this:

But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11, NKJV

Or when he said this:

Then Moses said to the Lord, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.” Exodus 4:10, NKJV

I have my reasons. Primarily, I’ve attempted big projects before, and they are all either barely started or partway done. In 2009 I had this idea to set a bunch of text from Ecclesiastes to music. I included text from Psalms, as well as perhaps another place or two in the Bible. I even had an idea for how the overall structure would go. I began and wrote the first couple pages, and even had choir parts written out for a few verses. And then… nothing. I lost the inspiration, and outside of glancing at old sketches when I came across them, I’ve done absolutely nothing with them since. Also in 2009, I had this idea of setting the opening chapter of the Gospel of John to text. I wrote an overture for string orchestra to set the mood, completed said overture, and then… nothing.

More recently, when I felt God impressing upon me to read through the book of Proverbs, I decided to buffer that by setting the first chapter to music and seeing how far I could go. This was indeed more successful. I have two sections written. And I got deep into the third section. And then… I’m not going to say that the inspiration left me. I dropped the ball this time. I started sketching other stuff and promptly forgot about it. I can still go back, pick up where I left off, and finish it.

And then the above-mentioned symphony.

I think it also important to note that, all of the above occurred before God brought me to my knees in 2019 regarding the music-making area of my life (and really, all parts of my life). Since then, I have been able to finish a Suite and two Sonatas (almost). I have been able to gradually stretch myself toward embarking on larger projects with the focus required to do so, especially considering the other life responsibilities I also have.

There’s also this:

So He said, “I will certainly be with you. And this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.” Exodus 3:12, NKJV (God's response to Moses from Exodus 3:11)

And this:

So the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord? Now therefore, go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall say.” Exodus 4:11-12, NKJV (God's response to Moses from Exodus 4:10)

And this:

Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God. 1 Samuel 30:6, NKJV

This project of which I speak came via a chord – a chord I call IV9, because, well, that’s what it is in Classical Roman numeral theory. I’ll spare you the nerdy-geeky background theory on it, but basically, when I think back on significant seasons in my life, seasons of reflection, seasons of growth, seasons of backsliding, and seasons of being humbled, I see now more of how God was present and active in my life, often in ways that I did not or could not understand then. That chord – IV9 – was also a predominant chord (pun intended) in the songs that I was listening to at the time, often on repeat ad nauseam. I also found fascination in how certain songs I listened to in a certain order, would be linked by a chord such as this.

Another side note: a weird quirk I started incorporating was how I would count the notes on the 88-key keyboard, from the bottom A to the top C, and call the first note #1, and the last note #88. (For reference, middle C is #40.) Anytime I had a birthday, I would find the note that corresponded with my new and current age, and jam on the tune “Happy Birthday” with that as the tonic. Over the years, this resulted in each such improvisation being one half-step higher than the previous year.

As such, this quirk led me to the idea of music moving up a half-step every time I was in a new season of life. And reflecting back to various eras of life, I could actually hear which keys would be appropriate for which seasons. And, wouldn’t you know it, it was actually quite easy for me to arrange them so that as I went from one season of life to the next, the music would go up a half-step.

This is what I began with a year-and-a-half ago. Only a month ago I felt God suggest that I add Bible verses, to which I agreed. As I started praying and searching the Word for appropriate passages, I found that it was easy to find Scriptural passages for certain seasons, because those often were times when I felt God teaching me or impressing something upon me that He deemed important for me to know. Some seasons were easy this way. Others, not so much. With extra prayer and reflection, I’ve been able to (for the most part) find Bible verses that would have approximately fit, oftentimes verses I wasn’t aware of at the time I was going through that season of life, but verses that in retrospect would have made sense.

With the exception of a section or so, that part has now been finalized. And so, it’s time to begin, right?

I began by sketching out the beginning to the second section. I got about 8 bars in, and… the inspiration and motivation failed me again. So, I moved on to sketching other things instead. I think one of my fears of embarking on big projects is that, if the sketches are not already grouped together neatly, I might lose track of where the music goes next. One such fear is the idea of having part of one composition in one sketchbook, and the rest in another. They would be separate and not together, and if I misplaced one sketchbook, then I’ve lost half the piece right there. I do recognize that it is an irrational fear. But it’s there.

However, to close off this post (and this update), here are a few reassuring and encouraging points:

1. I need to remember who I’m doing this for. Am I doing this for God? Or for myself? Or for other people? Who am I doing this for? (Answer: it needs to be for God, and to be used as a vehicle for bringing people to faith, as I alluded to in the first part of this series.
2. All my previous failures were in large part due to trying to do this project entirely on my own strength. This is what I was doing prior to my repentance in 2019. Not that I haven’t still sometimes tried to compose on my own strength (after all, I’ve needed more correction this year), but seeing two of the larger projects, Piano Suite in B-flat major and Piano Sonata in B minor, where I was doing it for God and in His strength, has shown me that I can manage larger projects and see them through to completion.
3. A key part I have been learning regarding collaborating with God, where He supplies the inspiration and I basically try to take dictation as best as I can, is that sometimes the inspiration just will not be there. I’ve had many projects where I started it at one point in time and then finished it a few years later, sometimes as much as a decade later.

Amen! And this likely won’t be the last time I share about this project. Due to its size, I don’t expect it to be anywhere near completed by the time I give another update post (or series thereof).

Music compositional update, part 2

I didn’t originally set out to put this update into two parts, but I felt it necessary due to the necessity of expounding on what I did in the first part. Creativity moves as the Holy Spirit moves. And because I have received Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross as my life-saving lifeline, I have the Holy Spirit in me, which I will confess that even now I forget sometimes. But He is in me and is able to do His thing when I move in obedience to Him.

A brief little catching up, due primarily to the content of my last post, but also because I need to continue to get in the habit of writing about projects that I’ve been working on, am currently working on, and anticipating working on in the future.

As a disclaimer, I must catch myself – again, part of my selfish, sinful nature hopes that by intentionally writing down as much as possible related to the music-making part of my life, it will make it easier for future historians to not only find my music (“my” music) but also any backstory to put the music in context. Selfishly, I hope to be found, if not during my lifetime, then by future generations.

As a side note to the disclaimer, it again is not necessary inherently wrong to have works attributed to my name (but glory given to God’s name) be found. The issue is the motivation of my heart in all this. One other topic I’ve been thinking about is the question of legacy, specifically what I will leave behind.

I had previously thought about expounding much, much further on this topic, but for the sake of brevity and focus, I will simply link you to this Bible passage from Matthew 24:3-31 and highlight the following focus verses below:

And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13, NKJV

For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be. And unless those days were shortened, no flesh would be saved; but for the elect’s sake those days will be shortened. Matthew 24:21-22, NKJV

The point is, one of the points that I am working to reframe my thinking regarding the music-making gift God has given me, in addition to specifically on doing it for His glory, is also for pointing others to Jesus, specifically those who may someday find this music. I’m not sure how close we are to the end times, but world events seem to indicate that the period of tribulation could occur soon, perhaps within my own lifetime. Like Jesus stated in Matthew 24, we don’t know when it will happen, except that it will happen, and that there will be signs to show the generation alive at the time when it does occur. Nonetheless, whatever I leave behind for others to be found, my wish is that it could be something to point people to Jesus, especially in a time when hearts will be hardened and lawlessness will abound.

With that said, here is a summary of notable projects that I have worked on (since repenting in 2019), am working on, and anticipate working on in the future, God willing:

The last bit of 2019:

Improvisation 16 November 2019. Completely instrumental, came at the end of a long day of recording song covers with a singer colleague of mine, as well as a few Classical piano pieces.

Psalms 42 & 43. An improvisation for voice and piano. The only structure I had for this was text from the two Psalms from the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer. This also came at the end of another long day of recording. 

2020:

Improvisation 1 February 2020. Just like from 11/16/2019, this was completely instrumental and came at the end of another long day of recording with another singer colleague of mine, plus a few Classical pieces.

Northbrook Symphony for Piano: III. Minuet - Waltz. An improvisation from 2017, I spent part of my time during the lockdowns transcribing recorded improvisations (including Psalms 42 & 43 and Improvisation 1 February 2020). This was already on one of my albums released on Bandcamp, but I had a goal of beginning to get my work copyrighted, and this included getting recorded improvisations transcribed and notated, so that I could have a copy of the work covered as well.

Our God by Matt Redman and co. This was a cover arrangement. As the COVID situation was getting real in our country, and as churches were moving exclusively online, I recorded my own arrangement of this song as a means of encouraging a few of my friends from my church at the time. This was also one of the first praise & worship songs that resonated with me as I was first returning to attending church regularly after what I call my second exile from church.

Ev’ry Time I Feel the Spirit. This was a cover arrangement. Recording this was inspired by a brief little riff from Improvisation 1 February 2020. Another piece of building up my faith – and that of others – while the shutdowns related to COVID were in place.

Waltz in F major. This was a piano composition arrangement/collaboration with my sweetie pie. When my love and I were first dating, our time spent together was relegated to Zoom during the peak of the COVID shutdowns. One of the many things we did together with the given constraints was collaborate on filling out the accompaniment to a musical sketch that she had written years prior.

O Holy Night. This was a cover arrangement. Similar to Our God and Ev’ry Time I Feel the Spirit, this was another project around building up my faith. I distinctly remember recording this in June 2020, right after the protests and rioting had begun, and had observed a wide range of emotions from people that I had associated with at the time. Looking back, God used this to open my eyes and lead me to finally change churches.

Gyspy Rondo. This was a piano composition arrangement/collaboration with my sweetie pie, although to this day it is not yet completed. After the smashing collaborative success with Waltz in F major, my love had sent me photos of more musical sketches she had. I began creating the basics of the accompaniment. However, this project got waylaid due to multiple factors, including the necessity of my focusing on the career path for which I was going to return to school in the fall.

Song For My Sweetie Pie. Given how much my love loves waltzes (as do I, although maybe not quite as much as she does), I wanted to write a waltz for her as a Christmas present. Additionally, I wanted to challenge myself in the writing and structure of this composition; the result was creating phrases of “three sets of three threes” – in other words, each bar was 3 counts, each significant chord change and melodic motion was once every 3 bars, and each line was three sets of significant chord changes/melodic motions, making for a total of 9 bars (and 27 counts) per line. After that, though, I decided to make each section 4 or 8 lines. It was a lot of fun to write, and my sweetie pie loved the piece, too.

2021:

Piano Suite in B-flat major. This suite was written as a piano sonata, a suite, an exercise, a statement of faith and hope, and a gift to my love and to her family, both to encourage them during a trying time, and because they love music as well. This project began with the second movement (II. Solitude), out of a church meeting over Zoom with other Christian artists, where one of the leaders invited the group to produce art based on the word “solitude.” As I wrote what would become the second movement, and as I continued to pray, more words came: “serenity,” from which follows the third movement; “splendor,” from which follows the fourth movement; and finally, “victory,” from which follows the first movement.

I. Victory

II. Solitude

III. Serenity

IV. Splendor

Meditation and March in E-flat. This was a piano composition arrangement/collaboration with my sweetie pie, begun in 2021 and completed in 2022. This was a more successful collaboration than the Gypsy Rondo, although it still took some time for it to be completed.

Psalm 1. This is an a cappella choir piece. During my “baby Christian” days, verses 1-3 (or their equivalent from Jeremiah 17:7-8) were periodically given to me as words from the Lord or merely as encouragements (and oftentimes both!). I was also seeking to set more of God’s Word to music, particularly the Psalms. This was one such Psalm that was on my heart.

Psalm 127. This is an a cappella choir piece. I had originally written this in 2010, but I found I really didn’t like the last couple pages of it. Between not really knowing what to do with this disappointment, and focusing on other projects, I left it alone. During this time, as God had been blessing the creative juices, I finally got around to rewriting the ending, and I am much more pleased with it this time around.

Psalm 46. This is an a cappella choir piece. Coming off of having composed Psalm 1 and rewriting the ending to Psalm 127, Psalm 46 was another Psalm I had on my heart to write a piece. The pastor at my church also had recently taught about this over the course of a few of our weekly in-depth Bible studies, including pointing out the word “Selah” that occurred periodically throughout this Psalm. It gave me a great opportunity to both set this to music, as well as prayerfully figure out how to create music to lead me to reflect more on this Psalm, including those “Selah” spots that state: “stop and think about it.”

Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled. This is a congregational praise and worship piece. I had gone back through an old sketchbook from around 2014 when this sketch popped up. The text is from a few verses scattered across John 13 and 14, and the sketches needed organizing. Continuing my goal of finding more of God’s Word to set to music, going through old sketches was a fun project of rediscovering, workshopping, rearranging, and filling out areas that needed to be filled out. Sometimes, I have found that God will give me an idea to sketch out, but the finished product won’t come until later, and sometimes much later (like with Psalm 127). This will be an important item to note when I cover projects I anticipate working on.

Piano Sonata in B minor. A few years prior, I had this idea that I wanted to write two piano sonatas, one in B minor and the other in F-sharp minor. It took me a few years to finish the Piano Sonata in E-flat major, which I finally did around 2018 (I had begun the first movement in 2014), which was rewarding to have completed but frustrating to push through to get completed. That particular Sonata was my first real attempt at writing a piano sonata of any kind, and although in the intermediate years I completed both the Piano Suite in B-flat major (see above) as well as (mostly) completed another Suite (the A & B Suite, which I do not count on this list, for various reasons)… they weren’t sonatas. Plus, having learned about Sonata form in college and becoming more enamored with it as an adult, I wanted to write my own. Below, each of these movements were written in order.

I. Dance Entrance. I knew how I wanted to begin it, with the introduction section exactly as it ended up being written. The rest of the piece flowed from there. This and all movements in this Sonata were written shortly after a time of opportunity to reflect on some of the many changes that occurred in my life, as well as anticipating one change yet to come. As enumerated, this movement introduces the products of my reflections as one big bowl of soup of said reflections. A few tune fragments are also introduced here which would be fleshed out further in subsequent movements.

II. Song For My Father. This title is intentional. The music processes my reflections, fear, and ultimately a statement of faith and hope regarding my dad. Yes, I took the title from Horace Silver, but the music is entirely different. I also introduce two little tune fragments I frequently improvised upon as a young child, finally having found an appropriate place to write them out.

III. The Ever-Changing Landscape. This title too is intentional. The music processes my reflections on a friendship that may be lost. In this movement I bring in a tune that we had written together when we were kids. However, this story is intentionally left unresolved.

IV. Brisk Procession. I wanted to end this Sonata similar to how J.S. Bach often ended his Cantatas: with a chorale. I do believe Bach was saved, as it is often reflected in his music. Like in Song For My Father, I wanted to end this entire Sonata with a statement of hope; in this case, that as long as presently-unsaved sinners are still alive, they still have a shot to enter heaven upon dying, if they repent and receive Jesus as their Savior and their King.

2022:

A Wife of Noble Character (text from Proverbs 31:10-31). Inspired by several different things, including my sweetie pie’s composition Meditation and March in E-flat, plus a desire to find a way to set Proverbs 31 to text, plus her birthday was coming up, this piece came together pretty quickly. I see this as a clear example of how Psalm 37:4 can be put into action.

Piano Sonata in F-sharp minor. Please see earlier comment about my wanting to write piano sonatas in B minor and F-sharp minor. This Sonata is a current project still in progress; as of this blog post, the first three movements have been written; the fourth, titled The Honeymoon, is yet on my docket to complete. Preliminary sketches have begun for it, but I have maybe two lines written. One thing I have learned and continue to learn is that, if I am going to truly collaborate with the Most High God, then I have work with Him on this. I cannot rush the process. I just hope that I can keep up when inspiration does arrive. The titles of each of these movements are self-explanatory.

I. The Proposal. Written months before I eventually proposed to her, I did keep this as a surprise for her and for her folks to discover (since nothing else about the actual proposal was a surprise to any of them!). This piece contains a few secret messages that I had them decode. It was fun to watch them as they figured out all the messages. A couple other notes about this movement: one of my new favorite Beethoven pieces is the first movement from his “Pastoral” Piano Sonata in D major, which served as the starting inspiration point for this piece; additionally, I included yet another improvised tune fragment from childhood as one of the motifs. 

II. The Ceremony. Along with The Proposal, this movement was rather easy to write. I envisioned tremolo and stacked chords (almost like choir parts) for shaping the sonic structure of this piece.

III. The Reception. After writing my very first attempt at a jazz band piece back in 2006, I wanted for a long time to repurpose it. Once the idea to write a Sonata based on the sequence of events related to getting married, I knew that the piece (Cranberry Juice) would become The Reception. It was just a matter of how to change the format to conform to Sonata form. Thinking through how it was going to work took some time.

Minimalist Piano Sonata in B-flat minor: (I. Music That Takes Its Time). Based off a piano improvisation, I wanted to do something a little different from all the piano pieces I'd been writing exclusively in Sonata form, given my current fatigue after having written many pieces in the said structure. Also, as I was recording this, this was right around the time I returned to class after taking almost a year off. I knew I wasn't going to have the time I used to to just make music, so I approached this as kind of a cap to what I expected to be the end of a season of music-writing. In another departure to my typical form, I transcribed (and modified as I saw fit) the piece in Microsoft Excel rather than my usual Finale software program. What I wanted to experiment with this piece was combining minimalism with Sonata form, to see how much I could make a piece minimalist but still have it conform to the super-basics of the Classical genre. Given the length of this piece (at least 15 minutes?) I could easily call this one-and-done, but I'm still hoping to create maybe two more movements. The trick is, I need to do something different with the other two movements to make this interesting. More to come.

O Taste and See (text from Psalm 34:1-2,8). This is a congregational praise and worship piece. This piece was written originally sometime around 2015, finalized this year. Similar to Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled, I found this also in one of my old sketchbooks. Unlike the former piece, after running through this once or twice in my head, I felt that this piece was complete. Sometimes simpler is better.

He Cannot Deny Himself (text from 2 Timothy 2:11-13). This is an a cappella choir piece. Please see my post from earlier this week for more information. Musically, this was another one of those “keep it simple” pieces. I set this music in a kind of hymn-style arrangement, so as to focus on the words. The words from this passage hit me powerfully, ministering to my heart regarding some things, and as such, I wanted the piece to bring the words to the forefront with the music following what the words were connoting. One cool thing that I will boast about in this piece (because God has given these different inspirations to me) is that this music, as simple as it is, combines different quirks from vastly different musical traditions. My guess is something precisely like this has never been done before. If so, that’s pretty cool.

Anticipated projects will come in a future post.

Music compositional update, part 1

Periodically, I will challenge myself to give an update regarding the composing and music-making aspects of my life. The reasons for this are two-fold: 1.) I still write pieces of music and as such there are always updates to share, and 2.) I need to continue to challenge myself (like I mentioned above) to write about this area of my life.

Sometime after my last post on this topic (click here for more detail), I heard a couple of different people give the same feedback related to this, via a cursory comment: “music-making is just a hobby.” To be honest, it stung, and it probably always will. I know these people well enough that what I believe they meant by this is just simply that it cannot be a full-time career, enough to pay the bills and set up my future financially (let alone a future with my love and any potential children that may arrive). I can verify that this is true. I myself witnessed this growing up, as one parent stubbornly clung on to their music-making career and suffered financially for it; the other went the opposite route, essentially throwing away their music career in order to attain a different line of work and was blessed financially for it.

However, when I hear someone say that music is “just a hobby,” what I also hear is that sometimes one has to throw it away, and not come back to it for years or even decades, if other things crowd it out. I’ve decided that I disagree with that notion, on the grounds that I find this to be a key crucible in my relationship with God, especially when I’m setting music to Biblical text. I learned from my busy season in the fall, when I was working 2 jobs and going to school, I didn’t have time to do much more with Scripture besides read it for 5 minutes. First, that’s not enough time. Second, merely reading something by itself doesn’t allow for it to sink in. I need to interact with the text, and sometimes that means having time set aside to do something creative with it. Whether that’s writing a piece of music with the words set to text, or blogging about it, or, back in 2019 when I found composing music impossible to come by for a while, creating a colorful art piece to illustrate what God might be wanting to get through to me, I do need that kind of immersion every once in a while.

To be honest, it took a while, until maybe a few weeks ago, for me to find my grounding as I internally processed the phrase “it’s just a hobby.” A significant part of it was simply that I just didn’t have time to deal with it, pray through it, and make sense of it. Now that I have, I can claim it (“it’s not just a hobby; it’s a key piece of my relationship with Christ and I need to keep it!”) and move on to other things.

One thing, though, that I did notice God start to convict me of again was of self-worship with the musical gifts He has given me, especially that of composing. In my post from July 1, I openly stated my desire to be “like the greats” of the Classical and Romantic eras and considered the quality of my work (already!) equal or almost equal to their level. Moreover, I stated my desire to be recognized in this world as such. It may not necessarily be wrong to have dreams and aspirations of the such, but the key crucible is the question of for whose glory. I realized that even in composing, I wanted it once again to be for my glory.

It needs to be for God’s glory, and for His alone. Writing “Soli Deo Gloria” on every piece of music is a good start, but it alone is not enough. It also needs to come from the heart.

After all, it is He who has given me the gift. Not only so, but He has shown me repeatedly that He can easily bless me with this gift and with the accompanying opportunities – and He can just as easily take it all away. It may not have been the first compositional drought I have ever experienced, but what I experienced in 2019 showed me the depths of what being completely unable to write music to save my life looked like. Not only so, but I remember that year (as well as the preceding year) bringing the beginnings of sweeping changes to all aspects of my life related to music, which at the time was a significant part of my life. Several friendships splintered, several piano teaching clients were lost, a few of my favorite colleagues either moved away or moved on to other opportunities, attempts at compositional collaborations repeatedly failed, all in the same season of life. Moreover, I believe that God revealed to me that a few of the remaining friends/musical connections that I did have were tied to the occult, whether directly or indirectly. COVID and all that came with all major current events from 2020-2021 essentially took care of the rest.

The bottom line was, I needed to repent. Not just because of my worship of self and of music, but also because, over the course of all the years that I pursued it as the entirety of what I would do, I walked away from God. Ironically, in the 3 to 4 years leading up to my baptism in December 2013, in which I publicly declared my intent to follow Jesus and receive a personal relationship with Him, following Him was what I did, failings and faithlessness aside. But afterward, now that I was "officially" saved, I started turning to other things, assuming (wrongly) that my walk with Him was now taken care of. (I wanted to be an adult and receive all those blessings that I was pining for!)

5 to 6 years later, I finally began to see how much I had slipped, and moreover, the fullness of how I had allowed to influence me all those I connected with in the music part of my life. A key part that I also needed to see was how all that personal growth work I did in therapy, while it was good and important stuff, didn’t automatically translate to growth in my faith walk at all. I was getting stronger personally as an adult, but I was instead sliding backward in my faith. And how far back I slid.

I needed to see all that and be in a place of having seen just about all of the areas in my life fall apart, for me to be willing to repent and get back to doing things I hadn’t considered. I had to get to a place where I could declare in my heart that I missed music-making when it was just God and me. He heard that prayer. Slowly but surely, I started being able to compose again, knowing that it was God who was supplying the inspiration, but allowing me the freedom to assemble His inspiration as I saw fit.

Then, as other events continued to happen (the end of my relationship with my ex, meeting my love, COVID, just to name a few), that began to shape my own hunger and desire, as well as a clearer vision for both what I actually wanted to do with music, as well as seeing what God wanted to do as well.

As we like to say in our Christian faith circles, “I am still a work in progress.” Composing has been not quite as easy to come by as it was in 2020 and 2021, but I also know that, as I alluded to in my last post (click here for more detail), it’s because I began to drift in my walk with Christ again. I expect that this will always be a work in progress. I was blessed to be able to have both His inspiration and (finally!) the time and opportunity to be able to put pencil to paper when I came across 2 Timothy 2:11-13 on Christmas Eve. I do want these things to be for His glory, all of it. There are some tough things related to music-making I am still learning to accept that come with it, but I am willing to work through it so as to get to that place of acceptance.

Meanwhile, God is still blessing me with ideas and concepts for future musical creations, which I will detail further in my next post.

2022 in review: Continued growth lessons

 Over Christmas, I sketched and completed an a cappella choral piece with the following text:

 

11 This is a faithful saying:

For if we died with Him,

We shall also live with Him.

12 If we endure,

We shall also reign with Him.

If we deny Him,

He also will deny us.

13 If we are faithless,

He remains faithful;

He cannot deny Himself.

2 Timothy 2:11-13, NKJV

I came across this text over my read-through-the-Bible-in-2022 program on Christmas Eve. Along with being a great opportunity to set to music, it was a great and necessary reminder for me regarding my faith and relationship with God. This year, more than ever, I’ve been more cognizant of not only how much God hates sin but also my struggle to, well, not sin. I’ve become more aware of how critical forgiveness is, specifically my forgiving others. For a long time, I’ve been struggling with a pattern of compulsive thinking that involves fantasizing about getting into arguments with others in order to win and to shut them up. As best I understand it, the motivation and impulse behind this pattern goes back a long way, to a time when I was powerless to not only defend myself but also to stop from happening the arguments I was seeing. Worse (and this has since been confirmed by the counselors that were in my life for many years), the content of the arguments I both witnessed as well as was on the receiving end of things showed that those that were causing me pain were in the wrong, not just in how they were behaving, but also the content of their talking points as well as their attitudes. This is not to say that I was 100% in the right, not even close. After all, I too am a sinner in need of salvation and grace that can only come through receiving that forgiveness of my sins from Jesus (as well as receiving Him as my Savior and my King). But, to have received any validation at all of my experience and my perspective opened my eyes as well.

I have since forgiven the individuals that I believed were responsible. But I’m aware that I still experience these same thoughts and feelings even when I meet new people. Therefore, even if these persons are committing grave sins, I am still the one primarily responsible for whether or not I argue with them in my head to point out how wrong they are and why they need to shut up. There is real experiential meaning behind the phrase “the one that forgiveness frees is you.” When I truly forgive, I stop thinking these thoughts. As a result, I have the opportunity to have more peace, which is what I ultimately want, anyway.

casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,

2 Corinthians 10:5, NKJV

The challenge with all this is that I’ve had to navigate this without the help of a support group, which I left in 2021. I left for a variety of reasons, but the chief one was that I couldn’t think of anything else where I still legitimately needed that week-in-week-out, goal-oriented support. I’d worked through the main chains and pains that had been holding me back as an adult related to my family growing up. Any peer-related issues were solved by virtue of me having (and continuing to be) intentionally set up an inner circle of friends to check in with and support. As far as the professional area of my life, I had just started a new path, including classes in school, and I was still very much in the honeymoon phase of that. I had a path, anyway. And of course, the main reason I sought help over a decade ago, was healing the misery I constantly experienced not just around singlehood but the hopelessness of ever being able to figure out how to move past it. There were other smaller things, but the point was, I was ready to graduate to adulthood without the training wheels.

I’m not going to say: “or so I thought,” although it is tempting to do so. I am finding my way a lot better than I had been previously. I have been able to find a few resources that have helped fill some gaps I had previously forgotten to ask my support group to fill when I was attending. I am doing more things. Since late-summer, I’ve been holding down 2 jobs while going to school at the same time! I’m saving money, and slowly building this career that I’m still figuring out. I had previously thought it was going to be accounting, but I now have 15 months’ experience in procurement, work that I do find fascinating. But I promised my love that I would continue my classes in school, if not for accounting, then to at least round out my credentials as I build my career portfolio in whatever this turns out to be, to bolster my case for eventually commanding a higher salary (and other appropriate accompanying perks).

That said, I still find dealing with other people’s baggage stressful and borderline insufferable. That’s what makes work exceedingly difficult at times to manage, as well as that of a few relationships I’ve picked up more recently (thankfully, no issues like this are with my love!). I’m aware I still have huge growth gaps in certain spots, to where I wish I still had that formalized structure of the support group to help walk me through them. I still see my counselor of almost 12 years on a monthly basis, so I have a lifeline with someone who is trained (and at the same time empathetic) to walk me through certain aspects of the day-to-day that are still difficult to manage sometimes. For that – and for him – I continue to be very grateful.

And so, what’s left? This is where maintaining a regular habit of Bible reading must come in. This is where maintaining a regular habit of prayer and praise/worship must also come in. My Bible reading is as sporadic as it has been, but at least I am better than where I used to be years ago, in the first few years after I first was saved in 2013. I haven’t read the Bible since Christmas, when I came across the above passage from Paul’s second letter to Timothy.

Even as I write, I am aware of wanting to defend myself even when I name current personal weaknesses. “I still struggle with this, but at least I…” etc. It is because of this that I’m still figuring out where the line is, the line that separates “justified by faith” / “Christ’s strength made perfect in my weakness” vs. “I’m in sin” / “in need of conviction and correction.” I suspect that both are true, simply because both are true in my life every day. But there’s a clear line.

Hence the power of the following line from the book of 2 Timothy (again the passage from the beginning of this post): “If we deny Him, He also will deny us.” BUT: “If we are faithless, He remains faithful.” This means that He doesn’t give up on us, so long as we are at least trying to please Him, even though we fail repeatedly, over and over and over again.

Not all years are created equal, a truth I’ve been aware of for a long time now. After repenting and returning to the Lord in 2019, 2020 and to a lesser degree, 2021, were years where I felt I was doing great in my faith and relationship with Jesus. 2022, not so much. But then again, 2020 saw not only the event of a lifetime for us all, but also a series of sweeping circumstantial changes in my life personally. 2021 was basically a smaller version of the such, although with still-significant events that occurred. 2022 was basically the same set of circumstances throughout the year, with the only changes that occurred being incremental ones. Which leads me to ponder and think on two questions: 1.) Do I seem to do better in my faith when there are a lot of sweeping circumstantial changes in my life? (The answer appears to be yes.) 2.) What then do I need to do in order to do my faith-walk with Jesus better when seemingly nothing is happening? I already have my answers: read the Bible regularly, pray regularly, and praise God (with or without music) regularly. That, and continue the work that was begun years ago to the best of my ability.

being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

Philippians 1:6, NKJV

I’ve been beginning to prepare for 2023. On the one hand, at this point in my life it’s just another year. But on the other hand, circumstantially, it is not “just another” year; my love and I will spend this next year getting things ready for both wedding day and married life. As previously mentioned, I will be working 2 jobs and going to school. My love will also be expecting to work 2 jobs and, for the time being, continuing to go to school. (She’s basically graduated at this point (I’m so proud of her!), and she’s pursuing internships to kick-start her new “day job” career, which would require her to continue to take classes for the time being.) Somewhere in there, wedding planning will occur. Somehow. And yet, between our own mutual desire to be married, as well as other circumstances beyond our control that still (may) directly affect us, we have talked about making the wedding date earlier than our current projection of 2024 sometime. But even that is up in the air, if we even decide to move it up.

I don’t have a stirring way of wrapping up this post. The story continues, because it is not yet completed.