Lately I’ve been going through some challenges to my faith and personal growth, the two which are often intertwined. Ironically, the times I tend to struggle the most are when life doesn’t have a whole lot of changes (and when I’m waiting for things to happen). In 2020 and 2021, during a time when sweeping changes were occurring in both the world and in my personal life simultaneously, I found it easier to trust God and have my heart on fire for Him. But, as changes began to settle down, again both around the world and in my life, life once again got harder for me. While I continue to wait, God has been working on my heart.
This memory stone recollection came to me kind of out of
nowhere, simply while I was sorting through praise and worship music and
putting copies of songs back in their proper folders before putting everything
away. When I was writing about memory stones in the past, I was primarily tying
them to events in my young-adult days while God was clearly and obviously
trying to get me to come to Him and receive His salvation. And I do believe
that is the primary goal. But oftentimes, even after we’ve gotten baptized and
publicly declared our belief, allegiance, and choice to following Jesus as our
King and Savior, we still need help. I know I still do.
In a previous life, career-wise anyway, I was a full-time musician. And for a period of about two years, God blessed me with an awesome opportunity to do shows with (almost) exclusively original music at a small restaurant chain on the north side of Chicago called Uncommon Ground. Sometimes I did solo piano, sometimes 2 or 3-person sets, and a few times with a full band. I’m grateful to have had these opportunities, and I generally had fun. However, one thing that was gravely disappointing was that people I invited rarely came to my events. This was a repeated occurrence, despite the marketing campaigns I had put out. Aside from personal pride, my other primary concern was that if I wasn’t getting people to come, the restaurant would eventually tell me that I could no longer do shows, because, after all, they do need to make money off these events. That day did eventually come, although far later than I would have thought, and only because the coordinator for these events found another job, and the new person who replaced her never reached out to me.
There was a stretch where I had four gigs at Uncommon Ground
over a period of four months, which was, from a booking and opportunity standpoint,
my most successful stretch. The first one was a last-minute ask, as part of a
triple-booking with two other solo musicians. The second one was a split
billing in which I did a solo gig for the first hour and had half of a band
from my pool of band friends play the second hour. The fourth one was a full 2-hour
event with a full band, by far the most successful during this stretch in terms
of getting butts in the seats. (It also helped that it was right before
Christmas.) The first two were far less successful in terms of my getting
people to come, but both disappointments were buffered by the fact that the
other musicians had more than enough guests to cover for that.
The third concert in this four-month stretch was the most
discouraging of the bunch. I did have one friend come and support the event (thank
you, Linda), and the other musician who played the other hour was able to bring
in just enough people to where neither of us had to pay the sound engineer out
of our own pockets. But I remember this concert being the one where I seriously
questioned my desire to keep doing these at Uncommon Ground due to the
fact that (almost) no one was coming to my concerts. By this point, I had
realized that this was not a one-time thing but rather becoming a normal
occurrence. And all this was in spite of advice that one of my much more
experienced bandmates explained to me one time, that on average only about 10% of
people I invite will come. Even with those conditioned expectations the
attendance numbers fell below that by a large margin.
So why am I bringing this up? I had recorded this concert, both
audio (on my phone) and video (on my camera, both which I set up in the back by
the sound engineering booth), and upon listening to all the tracks it confirmed
what I already knew: performance-wise, this was probably the best concert I had
ever given. And only my one friend (plus 6-7 strangers) were there to witness
it.
And God.
He was there.
I cannot pretend to know all the reasons why He chose to be
there. OK, backtracking: yes, I am a child of His and He loves me, and at
different times more recently than this concert I got a sense of His delight in
what I do (so long as I honor Him in it, of course). But, I did close my set,
after 11 originals, with a short cover of “Good, Good Father,” written by Pat
Barrett and Tony Brown (and popularized on Christian radio by Chris Tomlin).
Sorting through music files earlier, this was one of the songs, and my mind
immediately went back to the recording of this track from this concert that I still
have in my collections. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision to actually perform
it, but I had brought along a copy of an arrangement, in case the opportunity were
to present itself.
I could go on complaining about how these two years of getting
to perform originals at Uncommon Ground was a waste and a failure, but looking
back, I disagree. Music is a very difficult field to make gainful employment
over the course of a lifetime (after all, why do successful rock artists now in
their 60s and 70s still tour?), and those who make it through have been corrupted
by the world in terms of immorality and mind-debasement, etc. The opportunity to
do these concerts was a gift, a gift I am grateful for. While it did not lead
to better things, like performing more of my works on a bigger stage, gaining
greater fame, etc., this particular concert was one where, as I listened to
each of the tracks I recorded (and subsequently put as a separate album on my
Bandcamp) I did begin to get a glimpse of how not only did God show up but He
blessed my performing ability to play every note, rhythm, and phrase nearly
flawlessly. I took the step of performing a cover song that honored Him, which
I suspect He knew ahead of time was going to happen, and I saw how just that
blessed the others that were there.
After the other artist performed in the second hour, I got
to chat with some of the guests who did come, and I came to find that a number
of them attended Willow Creek Community Church (and possibly the artist as
well). It was a sweet time of socializing and connecting for a brief 10 or 15 minutes,
and although I’ve not talked to any of them since, I look back with both
fondness and a realizing that the sweetness of connecting even outside of the
music-playing was a sign of the Holy Spirit’s presence even at a worldly place
such as Uncommon Ground.
The concert that took place the next month was also a powerful moment for me personally, as my band Ring Shout & Friends played a set for the entire two hours, with about 60% originals and 40% covers, one of my favorite colleagues from Songs by Heart sang for about 40% of the set, and my dad played the saxophone for two songs. My mom and stepdad showed up. I didn’t see any of this, but after the concert I heard eyewitness accounts of how, in the first time in forever, my parents had a brief but genuinely friendly interaction after the concert was over. Oh, and the music wasn’t bad, either. 😊
Right now, in this season, I do feel called to give up
composing for a time. I’m not going to lie: it is very hard for me to do.
Composing (I believe) is a key part of not only what I do but who God made me
to be. But, right now, in this time of my life, I have my orders to continue to
build up a primary career so as to support married life. I have a good, cushy,
fully-remote job, and I am growing in experience daily and weekly. For the
first time in my adult life, I have excellent health benefits. I am truly
blessed. But I am yearning for the day where my love and I will be married and
on our own. To support that long-term, though, I need to make considerably more
money than I currently am making, even though I’m making plenty. This means
restructuring my time. Composing, while fun and everything else good that comes
with it, takes up time. I’ve already restricted my blogging (today is a rare
occurrence where I have a couple hours to spare), but I need to restrict other
things as well, so as to balance self-care and the requisite time to make this push.
It’ll be awhile.
One of the key things that I have to get much better about
is truly yielding to the Holy Spirit when I have to give up something or take
on something else. That was one of the sub-themes for this year, dating back to
the New Year’s Day gathering I wrote about last month. To that end, the only
reason I got to write today’s post was because I felt I got an “OK” from God to
go ahead and write about this.
To close this reflection, I will share a few Bible verses:
(all translations NKJV)
Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; For shall the thing made say of him who made it, “He did not make me”? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, “He has no understanding”? Isaiah 29:16
The above is God exposing our attitudes when He wants to do
something in our hearts. Unfortunately, I have been guilty of the above, not
trusting or wanting to surrender complete control regarding certain things, and
a key part of Him working on my heart is dealing with precisely this.
Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor? Romans 9:21
The above is Him therefore challenging these aforementioned
attitudes. Paul may have written this, but like with all parts of Scripture which is God-breathed, Paul
was reflecting this from conversations he had with Him, who imparted this to him
at some point and instructed him to write.
“O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?” says the Lord. “Look, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel! Jeremiah 18:6
As such, His word is the final word, and not mine. Not only
so, but this is also a challenge to realize that this is a comforting thing,
and a challenge to believe that this is a good thing. We shouldn’t want to be
in anyone else’s hands but that of the God of the Bible. As such, the below
needs to be our (and my) response, a statement of full and complete submission:
But now, O Lord, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand. Isaiah 64:8