Disclaimer: I'm not going to claim to be doing Lent-specific devotionals this year, like I've done in random years in the past. Truth be told, I haven't exactly observed Lent for quite some years now, but there have been seasons of deep, intensive self-reflection. I've been in the middle of one since December, but with Lent's arrival, it has felt right to hone in on these disciplines. I don't know how many posts I will plan on doing for this season. But I will start with this one.
So, I've been listening a lot to a pretty well-known Lenten choir piece by Gregorio Allegri set to the text of Psalm 51 in Latin titled Miserere Mei, Deus. For reference, here is the full text in English, New King James Version:
1 Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
4 Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,
And blameless when You judge.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
9 Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16 For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.
18 Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.
Although in my processing I have been able to offload a lot of things, I've also discovered sins I've committed that were secret to me, and even some of them were secret a long time. So, along with everything else, these words and this music has been an outlet for me to grieve and really come to terms with my own need for a Savior and a King. Along with the typical Lenten traditions, trading away pleasures for spiritual disciplines, and then giving to charity (secretly, though), this is what I've found Lent to truly be about.
Ironically, in the past, especially once I got used to the Lenten disciplines (when I did them), including as a child, I didn't want Easter to come because that meant replacing the disciplines with the pleasures again. If it is good to keep up the faith disciplines that God prompts me to do, why would I want to give those up? But, we need Resurrection Sunday. We need to remember that Jesus did indeed rise again on the third day after being crucified and dying for our sins. The tomb didn't stay empty. The resurrection of Jesus Christ is the reason for Christianity.
All the same,
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?
And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, “If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.”
Mark 9:35, NKJV