The above photo is of one of my marathon-running friends. I don't remember what mile marker he was on when I snapped this photo, but it was sometime early in the second half, during the section of the race where runners typically tend to get the most tired.
Today, I'm on mile 20 of the current prayer and fasting marathon. In some ways I have found my second wind, but in other ways, it is clear that, metaphorically speaking, I need to continue training in order to run future spiritual marathons.
A year ago, before I met my girlfriend, my spiritual life had been in a big rut for quite awhile. Sure, I was working hard on myself to grow and continue to grow up (side note: I now realize that none of us are ever perfectly "grown up," and if you think you are, you're not only sadly mistaken but also deluding yourself), but I was progressing no further in terms of learning to trust in God over my circumstances, nor was I gaining any ground in developing and maintaining any kind of practical discipline to further this growth. I'm grateful for my relationship with her in many ways, and the one gratitude from our relationship that stands out to me in this moment is how much she has helped me in my faith walk. Also considering that I am beginning to walk the early stages of my professional transition, I cannot even begin to imagine how I would be handling this (and all the change and, at this stage, the impending goodbyes) without the spiritual growth I believe God has afforded me to walk out in the last year.
Looking back, the seeds for this professional shift began over a year ago. It started slowly, and for awhile it seemed rather that, once the challenges that were on my plate a year cleared, I would return and continue on my professional journey the way I have over the last six years. Over the last few months, however, the pace has quickened. The writing was on the wall: more concrete action steps would need to be taken, and soon.
When I first found out about the prayer and fasting challenge that my church, the Evanston Vineyard, was doing, I saw it as a logical next step, for many reasons. And in spite of my stumbles (I have continued to check ESPN.com on my phone even after my first slips), I have seen how much my life has improved by seriously limiting my internet time. I'm resting more, getting enough sleep more often, being more productive in the mornings, and multitasking less. But the biggest boon has been that I've been finally developing this discipline of reading the Bible and doing devotionals more regularly, without much effort. I'm still not doing this every day, and I'm still not "praying the list" every day. But I am finding that my response when I'm bored or anxious or stressed or sad is actually to talk to God more, and not in the usual yelling/complaining mode that I have typically done. That is a big shift that stands out to me.
What is before me now is two things: 1.) deciding what I'm going to do to break the fast come July 1, and 2.) what aspects of this fast will I not only keep but develop a system to ensure that I continue. I do believe that I will maintain a limit on my internet use, particularly that of ESPN.com (phone visits be darned) and YouTube. Updates and more formal declarations to come.
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