At this point, because my pattern of streaky blogging is well-established, I won't waste keystrokes or mental energy on trying to explain it. At this stage, when it comes to this part of my life, I perpetually live in this stage of having plenty of material ready to go, or almost ready to go, or half-baked, or still in the concept stage; and not always having the opportunity to post it. I think it's good that, unlike in my younger-adult years, I'm not constantly posting. Not unlike Apostle Paul, I realize I yearn to get the word out about Jesus' saving power, and occasionally talking about something unrelated to church or scripture, but sharing it more and more from a Biblical perspective. The longer I walk on this earth, the deeper it sinks in this urgent importance of looking at everything from this Biblical perspective, whether I'm talking about the evils of "pride" month, or about what I notice in the game of basketball and the elite professional sports league titled the National Basketball Association. Or other things.
Lately, I haven't been writing on here because 1.) I've been wedding planning, and 2.) God has been leading me through some other things. Since March, when I received conviction by the Holy Spirit to repent and return to God as I had been drifting far from Him for quite a while at that point, results from my returning back to Him have included victories over some internal spiritual issues that I had let fester. After a couple months or so of establishing a new, daily pattern of prayer and time spent reading God's Word (and in fact, establishing a pattern of doing this multiple times per day), I felt God begin to give me new insights regarding things in my life, some of which I have shared on here.
July was marked by reflecting on grief (a devotional on my Bible app that I've been alternately slogging through and avoiding) and by reflecting on persons that I believe God has highlighted that I needed to reach out to, both to apologize and if not explicitly extend forgiveness, at least show that I no longer have any hard feelings. This part has been bumpy. I reached out to three people, two of whom have received me well, and the third who still has yet to respond at all. With the first two people, I can confidently say that I at least did my part by apologizing and showing them that I no longer have hard feelings towards them, and by putting the rest in God's hands, I am beginning to be rewarded for it. I chose to take a different approach with the third person, considering that the end of our connection, while abrupt, was far better than the other two, in terms of communication and feelings expressed. But I may change that, depending on how God prompts me.
Now, I'm alternately slogging through and/or avoiding an even more difficult piece of personal growth before me. Because it is still too early, I will not reveal what the topic is, but I will say that this is going to be critical for establishing my future, particularly (I think) my near-future over the next several years. I think a part of my resistance here, just like with the above, is a sentiment I share with many people, whether or not they express it outwardly: why should I change if no one else is going to? 😡 It is a common human sentiment (I believe) for a person to have a long list of wrongs that others have done to them, while ignoring or minimizing the list of the wrongs they have committed against others, often by creating self-justifications such as: well, if this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have done that. 😠 Or: if he hadn't done this to me, I wouldn't have responded that way. 😠
Every human in existence has been guilty of this at some point or another in their lives (I'm definitely in this category), and I would dare say, most humans have been guilty of never moving on from this attitude (I pray that I don't fall into this category, ever).
Thing is, God doesn't care about our self-justifications. As I've continued to learn, there is no argument that I can pose that is contrary to the Truth of the Bible, and win. After all:
Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. Ecclesiastes 5:2, NIV
Not only that, but also this:
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Genesis 1:1, NIV
If God, who created the heavens and the earth, is Himself in heaven (which is higher than the earth), and we are on earth, then we have no business complaining about anything, ever. I say this knowing full well that I am still guilty of this on a daily basis, even this far into my walk with God, my adulthood, and my life.
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, Philippians 2:14, NIV
In fact, what has been fueling this work of lessons learned and lessons I'm still learning (especially since March of this year), is the fact that I am in far from an ideal living situation, in multiple senses of the word. I cannot really expound more, as I know at least one of my fellow housemates, if not two, have read this blog in the past. They may still be reading this page; they may not. For confidentiality's sake, and for the sake of what I mentioned in Paragraph #4 of this post about the critical importance of my continued spiritual and emotional growth as it pertains to my future, I will have to keep the details private. Suffice to say, irritations from this part of my life have been what God has been using to... my Flesh wants to say "force me" to grow, but that sounds like complaining. A better reframing of this would be, from the Spirit: "propel me" to grow even further, even in ways that I still don't understand.
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. Philippians 2:14-16a, NIV
In fact, over the last couple years, it seems like the entirety of Paul's letter to the Philippians has been challenging. Here are a few excerpts that, in addition to the above verse, are particularly challenging:
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2:1-8, NIV
Truth be told, it seems like the above teaching appears to go against key aspects of things I learned in therapy that I truly needed if I was going to grow up: 1.) stand up for myself, even if it means ticking off the other person; 2.) a promise of "doing my work" was that I would be able to go after the things in my adult life that I wanted to, taking the growth lessons learned from the counselors and other group members. However, even in spite of the fact that I grew within the structure of a Christian therapy center, there are lessons that I've come across since I graduated that I never anticipated that I would have to learn, nor things that I anticipated I would ever have to deal with (or, deal with again).
But in the same letter, Paul reveals some of God's promises to us if we humble ourselves daily, evidenced by how He rewarded His Son Jesus' complete and full obedience, including humbling Himself to that of a servant:
9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:9-11, NIV
Below is another verse that I've struggled with, due to how it can get twisted (and has) by other believers:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13, NKJV
I think primarily my issue with this is that other believers I've encountered have tended to expand this truth (yes, it is truth) to apply it to others in an attempt to force them to meet whatever expectations they might have, and "no excuses" (my current living situation with the dynamics the way they currently are, for example). How I believe God has been helping me with this (a still-incomplete process):
But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31, NKJV
So, another of God's promises. Don't worry about trying to force it on your own strength. He Himself will provide the strength. It requires waiting on God (another challenge of mine), but at least it disarms the false claim that I might have to do something superhuman (or to find a way somehow to be superhuman) in order to meet someone else's expectations, to do it their way, and to do it right now!!!
The truth is, and it's a praiseworthy thing: over time, God has been answering my big question of: what are His promises for me? My frustration for a long time was that I wasn't getting any answers, because I was looking for material responses to a question that is in fact spiritual in nature. At some point along the way, I realized that, to get my answer, as part of figuring out how to cope with aspects of my current situation, I was going to have to pay attention to things as I read the Bible and prayed. As such, in addition to Isaiah 40:31, here are a few other verses (this is far from an exhaustive list!):
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19, NKJV
The above is another encouraging answer to the frustration that wrong interpretations of Philippians 4:13 had brought me. Below, however, is an even more profound answer that (I believe) God revealed me more recently:
15 “If you love Me, keep My commandments. 16 And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. John 14:15-17, NKJV
15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. John 14:15-17, NIV
I included both translations because each one uses a different word to describe what Jesus promised His disciples back when He was here on earth in human flesh, as well as what He promises to His disciples on the earth today. One translation refers to this as the "Helper", the other, as the "Advocate." Either way, Jesus is referring to the Holy Spirit.
This will be my final point for today's post, as I could go on and on, and often do. I'm still learning this lesson, along with all the others mentioned above. Going back to Philippians 4:13, where we can indeed do all things (and my understanding includes, to suffer all things, to endure all things), because Jesus gives us strength; Jesus Himself promises to us an indwelling of God the Third Person, the Holy Spirit. This alone has been revealing to me how little I've understood about the Holy Spirit. To be fair, I have understood the basics for a while: the Holy Spirit is God, the Holy Spirit is a person (yes He is), and the Holy Spirit has unlimited power to heal, to bring life, to do all things in accordance with God's will. Just as sin and calling on demons can lead to demonic oppression and even possession in certain situations; calling on Jesus, renouncing sin and evil, and doing things from the heart that please God (by doing His will as outlined in the Bible), these things brings an indwelling of the Holy Spirit where He can propel us to endure, to live, to love, to anything that God asks us to do, or anything that He promises for us and prepares for us.
Holy Spirit indwelling is not, however, like possession in the same way as demonic possession. Because the Holy Spirit is God, He gives us free will to make our own decisions, unlike demons who possess a person. A person that is demonically possessed do not have free will; they are bound and completely subject to the whims of the devil. But a person who has received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior has the Holy Spirit, who counsels, comforts, helps, guides, encourages, heals, and more... but does not control.
The other thing I'm currently working to reconcile in my mind is this whole thing of "I can do it," even if whatever "it" is is completely foreign to me, or if I've never been taught. One of my remaining lifelong frustrations is this idea that I'm expected to know or be able to do something, even if I have never heard of it before or been taught before. After all, "what I don't know, I just flat-out don't know!" But: one of the things that is just beginning to click - and I know the enemy will not want me to grab hold of this truth, so I must therefore pray (and I invite you, the reader, to pray along in agreement with me on this) - is that, because the Holy Spirit is God, and because, having received Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, I have Him in me, He can therefore teach me anything. No matter how stressed, or anguished, or fearful, or sad, or [insert any other emotion that might apply], the Holy Spirit can show me how to do it, or where to go.
‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ Jeremiah 3:33, NKJV
The Holy Spirit has unlimited knowledge, and knows things that neither you nor I would know or understand without His revelation.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1, NKJV
But faith is required for this to work. Receiving Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior requires you to believe that He is who the Bible says he is, that God is who the Bible says He is, that the condition of this world and the condition of humanity, and the penalty for going along with the world and along with the majority humanity, is exactly as the Bible describes it to be. And as such, receiving Jesus into your heart in the above manner described, requires you to also believe that His blood sacrifice on the cross paid the price for the aforementioned penalty and paved the way for you to enter into heaven and into God's presence upon the death of your body. In this season, I'm learning that I therefore must not discount the reward of receiving the indwelling of the Holy Spirit into my body, which the Bible describes as a temple. I have been guilty of discounting this gift, and I must repent. Therefore, I do repent and give God all the thanks and praise for it.
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6, NKJV
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