Fully restored and then some

I saw The Passion of the Christ ["http://www.thepassionofchrist.com/splash.htm"] last night. It was the second time I've seen it, and the first since joining the Vineyard. Given that I've been able to feel things and let them sink in, it was painful. Not in a "I can't bear to watch" kind of way; more of a "why are they doing that to him?" / "I didn't know" (see Friday's post ["http://confessionbyainsertidentityhere.blogspot.com/2012/04/2012-lenten-devo-11-good-friday.html"]) kind of way. Moments where Jesus' relationship with his Father, with God, and moments where the whole idea of no one having power unless it came from God... those hit me; they were that poignant. For the last month I've been experiencing the fullness of surrendering, sitting with crap, merely being, realizing my powerlessness, living on faith, and actively waiting. Then to see all that crap happen to Jesus with him having to be what I've been this last month... it hurts. What I realized was right now I could not do what Jesus did. I could not go on no sleep, no food, no energy, loads of fear, and a body tired and beaten almost to death. I'm sorry, I cannot carry Jesus' cross all the way to death.

But what I realized was, I don't have to carry Jesus' cross. No one else does. Just him, and he did it. I just have to carry mine. Jesus says this: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." (Mark 8:34, NIV ["http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+8:34&version=NIV"]) Their cross. Not his cross; just their own.

And the thing is, Jesus faithfully carried his cross all the way to the end so we didn't have to. He did it so we could be free. And the wonderful thing about today is that in spite of all the gory crap that The Passion depicted, after all that, he came back, fully restored and then some. Let me repeat: after all that gory crap, he came back, fully restored and then some. ... Let it sink in: Jesus' faithfulness, in the face of all dread, in the face of all pain, physical, mental, and emotional... that faithfulness led to not just a resurrection, but a transformation so great that he could never die again.

I want that. Those of you who know my life story, you've seen the pain. Sure, I've been blessed materially and with a good social network (I don't take these things for granted). But in spite of these blessings the pain still grates at me. But thanks to Jesus, and to God's work in several of my friends the last few years, I choose to believe that the same can happen to me. And it's already begun; I'm in a far different (read: better) place than I was even two years ago, and I wouldn't give up my progress for anything. This is the great thing about Easter: it can give anyone hope who chooses to believe that such exists.

I still have a few more Easters to reach before I can really be satisfied with who I am, where I am. But I'll take this one, this year.