Deeper

Finally went to "Deeper" last night for the first time. It's a time for worship and for prayer, a break from your run-of-the-mill structured Sunday worship and small group bible study, and one that was quite reminiscent of some of the worship events I went to at Lon's house with Fellowship of Christian Athletes and later Thursday Night Bible Study (a couple of prominent Christian group meetings at my college).

On this night I prayed that God would enter into me, give me a message, do something to help with the letting-go process. During one of the songs specifically speaking about laying things down at the cross, I sat down on the floor, cross-legged, and adopted a quasi-meditation pose (not intentionally; it's just how it happened). After a few minutes I felt like the world around me was shaking. Now, I know for a fact that during this whole time I was physically still, and that the floor and the room around me was physically still; but everything around what I was seeing and feeling in this experience was moving, oscillating at first, and then sending me into a moderate-speed counterclockwise spin. I was spinning! The Holy Ghost had entered, I'm sure, and was doing something. Whatever that something was, I'm not sure, but it helped me in what I think and hope is the next step of the aforementioned process and replacing those painful old things with new things, i.e. God, Jesus, the Holy Ghost, whatever... things that God wants to put in there anyway.

The people who go to "Deeper" always go to a pub afterwards. I was already high (with the Holy Ghost) and in that sweet spot that I didn't need any alcohol. [Never mind that I had no money and I needed to drive.] It reminded me, albeit much more subtly, of that time that God directly touched me during junior year in college and set me off an extreme euphoric high for the rest of the night. I knew I was high on God, and it was great.

Then came last night's dream. It was basically a weird and twisted revisitation of the aforementioned pain and the uncertain and fearful aspects yet to be resolved, and this morning I was back to cursing out other drivers cutting into my lane while driving home (I'd stayed over at a friend's house).

I don't like dreams anymore.

Guess maybe my next project will be replacing all my dreams with God. But, one thing at a time.