If I sound excited, it's because I am. The last time I performed with them was in February 2020, right before COVID shut everything down. Plus, lots of things in my life changed as well. (See 2020 Reflections, Parts One, Two, Three, and Four here.) But, in the last year, things started moving again. For starters, Mark passed away almost a year ago (a year ago tomorrow, to be precise), leading to most of us to reconvene at his wake and dinner at a nearby restaurant afterward. At this point, I hadn't seen quite a few of the guys in a few years, including some not since 2020 or before! As such, a lot of catching-up occurred. Then, a rehearsal (or more likely a jam session) with 4 of the men. Then, another one two months later. And a third another couple months later. Although there was a tentative gig scheduled toward the end of last summer, it got postponed a couple times and ultimately completely cancelled. After another couple months' layoff, the group has been getting together more frequently, sometimes once a month, and sometimes once every couple of weeks. After another cancelled gig last month, this one finally has come and looks to be actually happening.
That all said, I need to temper my own excitement. There were reasons I walked away. Sure, just having begun date a woman who made it clear that I needed to change my career was a convenient opportunity for me to do so, and COVID did provide the perfect cover for me to make it happen. Those were reasons to walk to something new. But there were also reasons for me to begin to walk away, even before it happened. Ring Shout was never the issue, but the entirety of the music scene I had become a part of was: unmet expectations; certain toxic, passive-aggressive, manipulative individuals holding much more sway over my work life than they should have; and other trials and disappointments stacked on top of one another, the last of which was a series of besetting financial difficulties that pulled out from under me the appearance of security that I had been allowed to enjoy for the six years that I pursued this.
The issue came up recently at home regarding my participation with Ring Shout. I'm enjoying practicing and performing with the guys that are there now -- the toxic, passive-aggressive, manipulative (and most significantly, spiritually oppressive) individuals are all gone from the group -- but the one question that I am not presently able to satisfy is the one about the long-term worthwhileness of this endeavor. I made a promise to my love that, as part of changing careers, I would continue my education and pursue a degree to back up the experience that I have been gaining in a field, any non-musical field, that will sustain me professionally and financially through all my working years. Physical health issues and constant stress while enduring my previous living situation (which I've talked about at length on this blog previously) derailed my schooling. Since I got married, I've been in this place of "I should go back to school, but I don't know for what." For a short term, that may be considered acceptable (I've needed to recover), but there comes a point where staying in this mental place will no longer be acceptable.
Gratefully, I've been able to catch up on my music-writing even more. Since January 1st, with God's help, I've been able to accomplish the following:
- Finish compositional sketches for Piano Sonata No. 4 in C III. Redemption and get the piece copyrighted
- Create, finish, copyright, and release a recording of Boppin' On Up
- Create, finish, copyright, and release a recording of It's A Stretch
- Release a recording of The Original Rocky Road (currently in the process of getting it copyrighted)
- Copyright and release a recording of The Battle
- Copyright and release a recording of Esmeralda's Jazz
- Compose, record, mix, copyright, and release an update to On The Other Side (now titled with the "Married Life Version" tagline)
- Finish editing/mixing and release a recording of Piano Sonata No. 5 ("Joy") I. The Joy of Redemption
- Finish editing/mixing and release a recording of Piano Sonata No. 5 ("Joy") II. The Joy of Eternal Life
- Finish editing/mixing and release a recording of Piano Sonata No. 5 ("Joy") III. God's Joy as Strength
- Create, finish, copyright, and release a recording of Piano Sonata No. 6 ("Love") III. Making It Right
- Compose and copyright To You O Lord I Lift Up My Soul (Psalm 25:1-11)
- Compose Strong Tower (Proverbs 18:10, Psalm 91:1-2,5,7,11-12)
- Compose Sing, Shout, Be Glad! (Zephaniah 3:14-17)
- Recompose Mighty Warrior, God Is
The above list doesn't include a few re-releases of existing tracks (in which I did at most some mild editing/remixing), which I have also done in the last month-and-a-half.
Since my conversations with my love that began a couple weeks ago as of this post, I did jog my memory regarding some things I wanted to do differently regarding the music portion of my life as of the end of 2019/beginning of 2020. My love did point out one key aspect of this, which was the question of investing time (and money) into something that wasn't necessarily going to pay me money. I'm not sure what today's gig will yield financially. Will it be worth my time? Emotionally and musically, yes, since, aside from church, I really haven't done music in this manner creatively in a very long time. But I had also come to a point where my time and use of talent is worth a lot higher than what I was valuing it.
My next step -- prayerfully -- is to sit down with the band at our next rehearsal (and I'm hoping and praying for it to be when all six of us will be there!) and invite each man to share his vision for what he wants Ring Shout ("Sons Of," apparently) to become at this stage. I have my vision, and I know a couple other guys have occasionally spoken up about what they want to see. If push comes to shove, I'll have to consider explaining to them that, now as a married man, I cannot devote as much time to them without a focused purpose like I used to be able to do when I was a bachelor. But my desire is to hopefully come to enough of an agreement between the other men and myself regarding our respective visions in order to justify continuing to patiently invest in this.
But we'll see. Since the initial discussion with my love, two small moments/events (potential signs) have occurred en route to rehearsal that are worth noting. Upon arriving at the first of the two most recent rehearsals, I was the last to arrive, and found the door to the house locked. This was rare. In all my times coming to this house since the first rehearsal 12 years ago, I may have come across a locked door once before, if that. After ringing the doorbell multiple times and texting the group, I finally called my bandmate who owned the house to inform him I was right outside. He of course promptly let me in, but I thought this moment was notable, spiritually speaking.
Ahead of the second rehearsal, which was during the week, a couple mild issues arose that didn't outright impact my ability to make it, but caused incredible frustration in one instance and a need for vigilance and prayer on my part in the other. Because my love and I have been down to one car between us, I needed to take an Uber to and from rehearsal. Thankfully, two of my bandmates were generous to pay for my rides (I had originally indicated I just wasn't going to come). However, the first bandmate ran into an issue on his app trying to book me a ride on the way there that frustrated him enough to ask a second person to book in his stead. After a brief back-and-forth negotiating between bandmate #2 and myself regarding a few small details (which ultimately led him to be willing to pay a higher price to accommodate my schedule), my ride was successfully booked. However, once in the ride, I quickly noticed that the driver wasn't exactly the safest on the road, and I realized I needed to be alert for this ride, steadfast in prayer (which I was), and speaking the name and blood of Jesus over myself, over my driver, and over his car practically the entire ride there. To boot, the guy even made a wrong turn when we were halfway there! Of course, there were no issues whatsoever regarding the ride home, praise God.
As of the posting of today's post, I have not made the pilgrimage to the venue. I realize I must remain watchful and prayerful: that the ride to the venue is safe and smooth; that I have all the gear I need; that we are received well at the restaurant (it is a new venue for us all); but especially the crowd. I've been hearing through the grapevine that several ex-bandmembers and other musicians via the community are planning to attend. I must remain watchful.
So far, the signs I've been seeing that I mentioned above are somewhat reminding me of the beginnings of my year-and-a-half in Minnesota after college. Briefly, they are as following: 1.) When I first moved up, I darn near completely ran out of gas (and money) when I arrived at my new home. 2.) When I was driving back from Christmas break a few months later, I was involved in a minor collision on the interstate after having spun out in the middle of an ice storm.
I really wanted to be in Minnesota for the beginning of my full-fledged adult years: there, I felt like an adult; in Chicago, I felt like a child. And yet, at the end, God arranged it so that I would have to move back. And I've remained in this area ever since. This is not to say necessarily that my involvement with Ring Shout will go the way that my post-college era in Minnesota did. It might; and it might not.
But I would be remiss if I didn't also mention this: I think there is one key difference between the two situations mentioned above. God had to pry Minnesota out of my heart; here, I am willing to let go of Ring Shout and stop participating in it if need be. I married my wife, not this band (or any band). But, I'm not necessarily hearing that I should just up and leave the band, either. These signs strike me as spiritual attacks, but I'm currently unclear whether or not these attacks are indicators that I am doing the wrong thing, or the right thing.
Here is a helpful guideline I've heard to help regarding discernment:
- Spiritual attacks that occur when I'm doing the right thing will not last very long, because when I'm doing the right thing I'm moving in faith and obeying God.
- Spiritual attacks that occur when I'm doing the wrong thing will last as long as I continue doing the wrong thing, because here I'm not moving in faith and instead disobeying God.
I'll have to put in that for now, but I at least wanted to reference the above.
So, I am excited about today's gig. It is a very long time coming, and I personally believe it will mark the beginning of a better era than the previous one. Two questions: first and foremost, what is God's will in this? And secondly, where do I need to be watchful and prayerful?
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