I’m aware that I’ve been starting to break a rule I set for myself back in 2019 that I wasn’t going to talk too much about myself on this blog. This rule-breaking has not just been occurring in the last month, but also dating back to last year. The justification I find is, as long as I am able to tie it back to God and back to His Word, this type of sharing can actually be good, as a form of instruction for others. Or at least I hope. I’ve had a few reflection posts lately that I’ve wanted to get out, as a result of some takeaways that I’ve had both as a result of the challenges of the last few years, as well as looking ahead to a new chapter.
One thing that has started to happen is when I look back at certain select seasons in my life, I’ve begun looking at it in terms of whether circumstances or decisions brought me closer to God or further away from Him. One past season of my life that has been coming up again and again is the summer of incredible agony where I had arguably the worst roommate I have ever had, even to this day. I’ve processed through this part of the story before, so I no longer hold fresh any wounds from that particular experience. But what has come up this time has had to do with the immediate aftermath of it, including some things I had never noticed before, as well as what followed over the next three-and-a-half years before I hit a sort of rock bottom.
This story begins halfway through my time in college. Although I would still say I wasn’t saved at the time, I had been attending weekly FCA meetings on campus, as well as the weekly Bible study group on an occasional basis, so I was getting teaching and exposure to the Word, and not filtered-down messages like so many of the other mainline Protestant churches had been doing even by that point. I believe I was close. I liked the idea of having a personal relationship with Jesus, and I liked the promise that if we are in Him, then we have no reason to fear, ever. Those things were really attractive to me even then.
Every spring, my college had the annual room draw lottery and room selection for returning students to determine their place in line to choose their dorm room for the following school year. I forget how this initially came about, but toward the end of my sophomore year I was in line to live with a group of other juniors/rising seniors in a pod in a dorm that typically rising seniors like to claim for their final year on campus. Not only so, but I was set to live with a group of young Christian men, Bible believers who stood firmly on the Word of God (from what I could tell initially). Although I didn’t recognize it then, this could have been the year that, surrounded by other strong believers who could encourage and support me, I would have given my life to Christ and gotten saved at that time. Although my roommate-to-be and I weren’t close friends at first, we had gotten along well enough to agree to live together. The real bonus in my mind was that I had the chance to spend a lot more time with and grow closer with two of my neighbors-to-be who I had already looked up to and had begun to develop a deeper friendship. I was very much looking forward to it.
Part of the arrangement was that my roommate-to-be and I would also be roommates the upcoming summer before also living together as part of this group of young Christian men. This is where things began to fall off the rails, and then completely fell off the rails. The short story is that we did not get along as roommates. My main issue is that he didn’t respect my privacy, and he didn’t respect my safety concerns when I raised them. There were other smaller incidents where he got under my skin as well. But the worst part of it is that when I confronted him, he threw the blame back on me and refused to take any accountability for his words and actions. (For context, by this point in my life I had been so shut down emotionally for years; as such, confronting another person was not anything close to second nature for me.)
After about a month of putting up with this (ironically the first month of the summer things were ok between us; it was only the second month when things got bad) I requested an appointment with the college housing department dean, which resulted not only in me getting another room for the rest of the summer, but also a different room in a different dorm for the next school year. Given what I had gone through, I agree it was for the best. But the cost was that I would no longer be around other Bible-believers who could have been there when I finally get saved and then help me grow in my faith over the next year.
There were also other earthly, material costs (I ended up in a single room in a dorm that I probably would not have otherwise chosen), but the main takeaway from this point in time is the disappointment I experienced when I reached out to the other men that I was going to be neighbors with for help. I had sent a general email out to all ten men explaining the situation and asking if anyone would be willing to switch rooms with me. I even had reached out to the two aforementioned men who I had (thought I’d) grown closer with over the previous couple of years. One responded with a tepid, “well, that’s unfortunate,” while the other didn’t respond at all. There was a third guy who also had responded. I knew him somewhat, but not well. I don’t remember what he said, but I think he tried to challenge me regarding how to respond to the situation. Given that I didn’t look up to him in the same way I did the other two, I quickly disregarded his comment; plus, I didn’t agree with it anyway.
As the years went by, I forgave the roommate as well as his wrestling buddy who camped out in our room who I believe was at least partly responsible for the change in my roommate’s demeanor, and I chalked up the experience to the reality that we both needed to mature and didn’t yet know how. I mentioned a couple years ago on this blog that if we ever were to cross paths again, we’d probably get along decently well now. I still hold that to be true.
However, this event led me to massively decrease my attendance all Bible-based Christian activities for the rest of my time in college, and I all but stopped attending FCA altogether after this point. I did still go to church somewhat regularly the next year, at the Episcopal church in town (since that was the denomination in which I grew up), but even that was short-lived, for other reasons. My last year in college, I stopped attending church almost altogether, and by the time I had graduated, I had effectively renounced my faith, whatever it had been. A year and a half later, after holding down a job for a year (it was essentially a temporary position on a year-to-year basis) and becoming unemployed after that and unable to land another job, I found myself in a very dark place.
In short, this was a three-and-a-half-year period where I went from being surrounded by Bible-believing Christians and on the cusp of being saved, to a place where I was in outright rebellion, not associating with believers (not wanting to), and eventually not seeing any way that my life could be salvageable. One could argue that my life – especially that era of my life – could have turned out far differently if my roommate (a professing Bible-believing Christian) hadn’t been a jerk to me.
One thing that has started to happen is when I look back at certain select seasons in my life, I’ve begun looking at it in terms of whether circumstances or decisions brought me closer to God or further away from Him. One past season of my life that has been coming up again and again is the summer of incredible agony where I had arguably the worst roommate I have ever had, even to this day. I’ve processed through this part of the story before, so I no longer hold fresh any wounds from that particular experience. But what has come up this time has had to do with the immediate aftermath of it, including some things I had never noticed before, as well as what followed over the next three-and-a-half years before I hit a sort of rock bottom.
This story begins halfway through my time in college. Although I would still say I wasn’t saved at the time, I had been attending weekly FCA meetings on campus, as well as the weekly Bible study group on an occasional basis, so I was getting teaching and exposure to the Word, and not filtered-down messages like so many of the other mainline Protestant churches had been doing even by that point. I believe I was close. I liked the idea of having a personal relationship with Jesus, and I liked the promise that if we are in Him, then we have no reason to fear, ever. Those things were really attractive to me even then.
Every spring, my college had the annual room draw lottery and room selection for returning students to determine their place in line to choose their dorm room for the following school year. I forget how this initially came about, but toward the end of my sophomore year I was in line to live with a group of other juniors/rising seniors in a pod in a dorm that typically rising seniors like to claim for their final year on campus. Not only so, but I was set to live with a group of young Christian men, Bible believers who stood firmly on the Word of God (from what I could tell initially). Although I didn’t recognize it then, this could have been the year that, surrounded by other strong believers who could encourage and support me, I would have given my life to Christ and gotten saved at that time. Although my roommate-to-be and I weren’t close friends at first, we had gotten along well enough to agree to live together. The real bonus in my mind was that I had the chance to spend a lot more time with and grow closer with two of my neighbors-to-be who I had already looked up to and had begun to develop a deeper friendship. I was very much looking forward to it.
Part of the arrangement was that my roommate-to-be and I would also be roommates the upcoming summer before also living together as part of this group of young Christian men. This is where things began to fall off the rails, and then completely fell off the rails. The short story is that we did not get along as roommates. My main issue is that he didn’t respect my privacy, and he didn’t respect my safety concerns when I raised them. There were other smaller incidents where he got under my skin as well. But the worst part of it is that when I confronted him, he threw the blame back on me and refused to take any accountability for his words and actions. (For context, by this point in my life I had been so shut down emotionally for years; as such, confronting another person was not anything close to second nature for me.)
After about a month of putting up with this (ironically the first month of the summer things were ok between us; it was only the second month when things got bad) I requested an appointment with the college housing department dean, which resulted not only in me getting another room for the rest of the summer, but also a different room in a different dorm for the next school year. Given what I had gone through, I agree it was for the best. But the cost was that I would no longer be around other Bible-believers who could have been there when I finally get saved and then help me grow in my faith over the next year.
There were also other earthly, material costs (I ended up in a single room in a dorm that I probably would not have otherwise chosen), but the main takeaway from this point in time is the disappointment I experienced when I reached out to the other men that I was going to be neighbors with for help. I had sent a general email out to all ten men explaining the situation and asking if anyone would be willing to switch rooms with me. I even had reached out to the two aforementioned men who I had (thought I’d) grown closer with over the previous couple of years. One responded with a tepid, “well, that’s unfortunate,” while the other didn’t respond at all. There was a third guy who also had responded. I knew him somewhat, but not well. I don’t remember what he said, but I think he tried to challenge me regarding how to respond to the situation. Given that I didn’t look up to him in the same way I did the other two, I quickly disregarded his comment; plus, I didn’t agree with it anyway.
As the years went by, I forgave the roommate as well as his wrestling buddy who camped out in our room who I believe was at least partly responsible for the change in my roommate’s demeanor, and I chalked up the experience to the reality that we both needed to mature and didn’t yet know how. I mentioned a couple years ago on this blog that if we ever were to cross paths again, we’d probably get along decently well now. I still hold that to be true.
However, this event led me to massively decrease my attendance all Bible-based Christian activities for the rest of my time in college, and I all but stopped attending FCA altogether after this point. I did still go to church somewhat regularly the next year, at the Episcopal church in town (since that was the denomination in which I grew up), but even that was short-lived, for other reasons. My last year in college, I stopped attending church almost altogether, and by the time I had graduated, I had effectively renounced my faith, whatever it had been. A year and a half later, after holding down a job for a year (it was essentially a temporary position on a year-to-year basis) and becoming unemployed after that and unable to land another job, I found myself in a very dark place.
In short, this was a three-and-a-half-year period where I went from being surrounded by Bible-believing Christians and on the cusp of being saved, to a place where I was in outright rebellion, not associating with believers (not wanting to), and eventually not seeing any way that my life could be salvageable. One could argue that my life – especially that era of my life – could have turned out far differently if my roommate (a professing Bible-believing Christian) hadn’t been a jerk to me.
But holding on to the bad doesn’t do any good. After all, with the current trial that I’ve endured over the last couple years, I’m still spending time with the Lord and reading my Bible close to every day, if not every day.
So what was it that hit me this time around about how God showed up then? Below are a few things I saw that He did for me:
So what was it that hit me this time around about how God showed up then? Below are a few things I saw that He did for me:
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24B, NKJV
One area where God showed up was through an unexpected friendship that blessed me in a way that I had not ever really experienced before. A couple weeks before that fateful summer ended, and after I had moved into my own room away from my roommate, I unexpectedly struck up a conversation with a guy as I was walking into the main entrance of the dorm. What I figured might be a 15-second conversation turned into at least a 15-minute conversation, if not longer, and a guy who would instantly become one of my best friends over the next few years (even accounting for the fact that, less than a year later, he would transfer away to another school).
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is For brethren to dwell together in unity! Psalm 133:1, NKJV
The same following school year, a friend group began to coalesce, made up of several different guys I had befriended one-on-one across different parts of my life, including the new friend mentioned in the previous paragraph. We bonded over common interests like weightlifting, pool, bowling, and watching movies, among other activities. It was from this group of friends that I kept in touch with several of the guys for several years even after we all went our separate ways (either graduated or transferred).
Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15, NKJV
God also helped me improve academically. I started doing better in my classes than I had the previous two years. Granted, some of the improvement could be due to having undergone a 40-week vision therapy program that spanned the spring semester of my sophomore year, the summer in between sophomore and junior years, and the fall semester of my junior year. But I believe He used it to help things to start clicking, to the point that I narrowly missed the academic dean’s list of exceptional students for my junior year’s spring semester by just a few 1/100ths of a GPA point. (I never made the list; this was the closest I got, but it still felt really good seeing how close I was!) Even as hard as my senior year would be, I was still able to continue doing well academically. My academic performances of my last two years brought my closing GPA up to a B+ (cum laude) level by the time I graduated.
being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; Philippians 1:6, NKJV
One other area that God invited me to grow was to talk about my interest in women with others. The friend I had made at the end of the summer of incredible agony helped make it very easy for me to share anything with him, including this topic. (I had never felt bold enough to talk about it with anyone before!) I never did land a girlfriend during the rest of my time in school (I wouldn’t have my first relationship until 2018, when I was well into my thirties), but I did have the opportunity to take risks in terms of practicing having platonic acquaintanceships with a few here and there, including what I would call an actual friendship, again with the help of my one buddy who also happened to be friends with her.
Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19, NKJV
For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The Lord will judge His people.” Hebrews 10:30, NKJV
Of course, there was the massive hailstorm that swept across my college town at the end of the summer, after I had left but before my ex-roommate did. His car was totaled. And then a year later, ironically while I was at a broomball event (maybe one of the few times I did attend an FCA gathering in the last half of my college career), I got a text from my ex-roommate saying that although he had performed well at a wrestling event, he inexplicably did not qualify for the next round although by every appearance it seemed he should have been a shoo-in. There were other tests and trials that he also revealed; for his sake, I will not share them here.
So God did show up. Looking back, I clearly did not recognize it as such and only saw the things that met the eye. Ultimately, I fell further from there over the subsequent two years, ending up alone with no job prospects and seemingly no life prospects, at least not in Minnesota. And He did show up again once I was back in the Chicago area, leading me to a good church and arranging events so that I didn’t have the opportunity to leave or be half-in, half-out until I was already really plugged in to the community there.
God does allow bad things caused by others to happen to us, and He does allow bad things caused by ourselves to also happen to us. All these years later, I can no longer complain about why I wasn’t able to be plugged into a community of believers and get saved in my junior year, because all those things ended up happening a few years later, anyway. I’ve been plugged into a Christian community solidly since I first moved back to Chicago, despite the myriad changes that have occurred since then. Thank God.
That, and I did eventually get my girlfriend. Selfishly, I would say it took a lot longer than I wanted, but I really love the person I’m with now, so I no longer have complaints about that and haven’t in about 4 ½ years now.
If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. 2 Timothy 2:13, NKJV
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