This is going to be an incomplete blog post, but I'm going to begin it, write it, post it, and come back later in a follow-up post to finish the rest of my thought. Today boils down to the following question-and-answer sequence:
Question: Why are we here?
Answer: We are here on assignment.
It wasn't really until maybe the last year or so that my perspective finally began to change. Circumstantially speaking, I've had to come to terms with the fact that, despite being born in a place and era of prosperity and (largely) growing up as such, adulthood has not turned out like that. Intellectually I understood even as a young adult that I shouldn't necessarily pursue the cookie-cutter "American" dream that had been in force for a number of decades by that point. But my substitute was to find my own dream and pursue that - my own personal equivalent to "the American dream." Either way, the goal was still to find my own happiness.
Up until that point, every major decision I made was with the end goal of my happiness in mind: school, finishing school, church (as an adult), different small groups, therapy, pursuing my own hodgepodge musical career, dating, changing careers to accounting and then again to procurement/business, and so on. I cannot begin to tell you of the deep disappointment and frustration at every turn when I tried to pursue an independent, fruitful, happy adult life only to be thwarted in one way or another. I have countless peers from my generation who are miles ahead of me. I have one friend from my generation I still keep in touch with who zags where everyone else has zigged. He's managed to balance income for the present and for the future, with traveling the world. He found his own happiness. Interestingly, due to that, I've felt closer to him regarding life pursuits than most people I've ever known. And I've known a lot of people over the years.
One of the hard things I've been having to learn to swallow is that in my life, I'm marked for suffering. It may not be my only purpose but it is one of them. Even before I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior, my life was marked for suffering whether I liked it or not.
Pause: for anyone reading this post, this is not a pity party. I'm not looking for attention, nor do I seek pity. The purpose of my writing this post is 1.) to be real, and 2.) to use this as a vehicle for (hopefully) coming to terms with my life the way it is. Only God can change things for the better, just as much as He can allow things to happen for the worse.
“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
When I hit low seasons, one of my favorite verses has been this:
“Lord, make me to know my end,And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You;
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor. Selah
I've come to realize that my flesh has two competing desires: 1.) if life is good, to live as long as possible, but 2.) if life is hard, to have a shorter life. But there's a problem with this mindset:
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. Galatians 6:7-8, NKJV
So if I cannot decide whether I desire to live a long life or a short life, where does that leave me?
He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25, NKJV
Basically, there's no other purpose than to follow Jesus for life and do what He says.
But Jesus answered them, saying, “The hour has come that the Son of Man should be glorified. Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor. John 12:23-26, NKJV
I'm still gnawing on the possibility that I must have some great calling I still don't know about, in order for life to continue to be this hard, this far in. Here's what I know so far: I am called to take part in the Great Commission. I am called to life a holy life according to the Bible. I am called also to be a husband to my love (we're not married yet but the day is rapidly approaching!). Regarding music, I have received a vision in the past of Jesus delighting in my piano-playing, tied to a childhood memory of me improvising on the choir room piano after Sunday services while everyone else was taking off their choir robes, and while I was waiting for my parents to finish up with whatever they were doing. And I have been told that the piano-playing I do now at my current church blesses people. I'm still unclear about where that fits with everything else, but it's something. But all that said, I'm still working on reconciling what I understand of my calling, my assignment, vs the trials and tribulations I constantly face (and still hate, honestly).
One thing I am clear on at this point: my life isn't going to be about the American dream or some alternate "self-happiness" dream. I'm here on assignment. My job while on this earth until the day I pass away is to do whatever God tells me to do until it's time.
One clarification before I wrap up, regarding flip-flopping regarding whether I want to live a short life or a long life: my love wants me to live as long as possible in the hopes that we'll both pass away together at the same exact moment (so that we'll never be apart, not even in death). I've begun praying that as well. My life is for Jesus first and foremost, but after that, it's also for her.
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