Erin York only shows up for a minute in “Faraway State of
Mind 6,” but she’s more significant in my life as my fiancée’s mother and
future mother-in-law. I’ve also put her second in this series (instead of
later) because in the same week that I had the joint session with Max Hartrey
and my counselor (who also happens to be his counselor) we had a conflict of
our own (together with my fiancée) that really ate at my spirit for a while
afterward. I am no stranger to conflict in family settings, having had them
with my parents at various different points over the years as well. The way I see
it, it was simply a matter of time before we would have one ourselves. It
happened. But, just like the recent set of conflicts with Max that prompted me
to reflect, evaluate, and then act on a change that I needed to make with him,
I needed to find a way to go through the same process here.
As I was reflecting, I was led to press in further to the
importance of practicing gratitude. When I first met my love back in 2020, it
was put before me that I needed to make certain changes in order to be
acceptable to her. Some of them were easy, while others were not. At the time,
I didn’t really have any requests or requirements for change that I wanted to
see my love make. Over time, though, I began to see some things – simply, ways of
how my love’s family handle things that I don’t agree with (thankfully my love
agrees with me on such things!). Regarding these disagreements, though, I can
choose to practice gratitude or ingratitude.
Upon further continued reflection, I’ve also been learning
over the years that people will only make changes that they are willing to
make. Similarly, another lesson more painfully learned over the years is that,
just because I decide I’m willing to make certain hard changes, doesn’t mean
that the other person will. Just like the previous paragraph, I still retain
the ability to decide what to do with that: I can choose gratitude or
ingratitude.
One other key thing I believe God has been leading me to contemplate
– from what I can tell, this is a core value of Erin’s – is the importance of
family unity, no matter what. It was very much a foreign concept to me growing
up, and only something I kinda-sorta understand now, having been blessed with
certain family members and close friends who have demonstrated this in my life.
Marriage is messy. Family is messy. There is a sense also that, unlike with
friends, you kind of can’t choose your family. Historically speaking, I can
argue the other side of that, and that there would be nothing wrong with it. After
all, I’ve lived that life, and I’ve seen first-hand how pseudo-families made from
friends and church community can help with the healing process and at least
partially fill the gap.
However, what I understand that Erin has been trying to
teach both my love and me is, outside of a truly horrendous abusive situation,
to not throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to immediate family,
but rather, as the Scripture below says:
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. Colossians 3:12-13, NKJV
Bottom line, in a sense there is a higher calling as
Christians that we must follow and adhere to, as much as it is possible with
us. The thought of “having” to bear with other people, especially difficult
people, sounds exceedingly painful (and I would know!), but the idea is that,
along with practicing gratitude, practicing also this pattern of bearing with
other people is a necessary hallmark of authentic Christian life.
Finally, I would say that, regarding particularly difficult
relationships or situations, there are times when God will say, “OK, you can
move on.” And when He does say that, He will make it clear and provide a way
out for this leaving to happen.
But, so as not to confuse the reader, I will firmly state that,
regarding Erin, regarding my love, and regarding my love’s family, this is not
the case here.
To this end, I am grateful to God that Erin:
- Has allowed me to date, become engaged to, and ultimately marry her daughter.
- Is and has been another family member in my life, and thusly, another option for celebrating typical family events, including birthdays and holidays.
- Has a forgiving nature, and practices forgiveness regularly.
- Loves Christ, which has showed even in moments when we had come to disagreement on one thing or another.
- Has been teaching both my love and myself all sorts of various things, from cooking to yardwork to ideas about furniture (looking ahead to married life), and more…
There’s more, and I could go on for a while, but I’ll stop
there for now.
I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:3, NKJV
But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. Colossians 3:14, NKJV
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