2023 Gratitude Series, Part 1: Max Hartrey

I’m kicking off this gratitude series with my friend who inspired the character Max Hartrey in “Faraway State of Mind” stories #5 and #6. As such, I will refer to him by his character name.

I’m also beginning with Max because the inspiration for this series came as a result of a recent change in our friendship that I strongly felt was necessary. Before I share how we met and how our friendship had grown over the years, I wanted to mention that, although I expect we will remain lifelong friends, some events had happened over the last few months that prompted me to make this change.

For the last 5 years or so, we had a habit of weekly phone calls (I also have this routine with two other men currently), of each of us checking in and sharing how life is going, and then offering feedback and support. However, especially as my life began to change (I’m getting married next summer), the criticality of Max’s role in my life began diminishing. The primary reason is due to him being about 40 years older than me, and the reality that neither of us can really support the other with the things going on in our respective lives. At his age, his body is showing signs of wear and tear that I don’t expect to face for, well, another 40 years at least (hopefully). As such, I don’t know that I can support him all that well. More specifically for me, he’s never been married, and the support I tend to need at this point in my life is for challenges that he has not really had to deal with, as far as I’ve known him.

A few months ago, we had a series of conflicts (looking back, the way they occurred really weren’t necessary) primarily regarding my frustration at what I perceived to be his inability to support me in the way I needed. But we agreed to try to work things out, and after I met with my counselor individually a few times to process my end of things on this, we agreed to have a joint session with Max (my counselor was also Max’s, which worked out nicely). By the time we had had the session, Max and I had settled back into a rhythm of sorts in which our phone calls were peaceful, and I introduced to him more clearly the real issue. This time, when I told him I felt it was best to end our phone calls, he completely understood. By the time we got to our joint session with our counselor, it was really more of a finalizing and sharing a goodbye of sorts. A day or so later, when I had the chance to really mentally/emotionally process the session, I broke down. I knew that this was still the best choice for us both, but the finality of this change left a gap in my heart.

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, NKJV

I first met Max on a retreat over 10 years ago. The intensity of that retreat, as well as things I had heard about it from others ahead of time, scared me. It wasn’t “boot camp,” like I had feared (not even close), but my initial experience left me feeling things like unsafe, confused, and scared, so scared to the point that I was unable to speak into the other things I felt. Max was one of the few (if not only) bright spots on that retreat. A year later, when I started going to the Place (I am intentionally keeping the real identity of this place confidential) for weekly support group sessions, again, Max’s presence in that group helped me feel welcome and begin the healing process for myself. Over time, as my connections with the others in the group grew, Max was the one with whom I had the closest friendship of all the group members.

We’ve shared a lot of memories outside of the group sessions, including short flights in a 2- and 3-person plane, annual Christmas tree decorating parties at a house of a mutual friend, a second prayer and support group (this time through the Vineyard), occasional lunches, dinners, music concerts, and excursions to the Botanic Gardens and the local train museum, and more. And yes, as was alluded to in “Faraway State of Mind 5,” Max developed a friendship also with my childhood best friend (the primary inspiration for Bosendorfer) which lasted until my childhood best friend cut off contact, like he had done with me.

And yes, the weekly phone calls. Max and I both left our shared group about 7 years ago, and for a couple of years, until I asked him if we could have weekly mutual support calls, we played by ear our methods and frequency of staying in contact. Although we both now clearly have vastly different support needs, we did have many common points in our respective healing journeys that drew us together as close friends. No matter how life plays out for either of us from here on out, I will forever be grateful to Max for the friendship that I’ve been blessed to have with him. I will forever be grateful also for the friendship that I continue to be blessed to have with him, even with the new changes.