A checkpoint:
I briefly came across this post from late May and thought it good to reflect briefly. As I write, I don't really remember life before June. In fact, I kind of don't remember life before the week I was really sick (and then in the hospital). Now, another job later, I'm checking in weary. (Hey! I think there's a post for that!)
I was on fire for God (I believe it, anyway) for the entire first half of 2021. Maybe all of 2020 as well. But today, I don't feel on fire. Reflecting back on the previous decade (2010-2019), I had moments of being on fire, particularly in 2013, the year I got saved. But by 2019, I was on a bad path, so bad such that, if I had died that year, I don't think I would have made it in to heaven. Suffice to say, I was so thoroughly angry at God about a whole bunch of things that had, in my opinion, "gone wrong" in my life, that my heart had hardened. But by His grace He picked me up out of the mire and clay, once again.
Thing is, falling from being on fire in one's faith doesn't happen in a day. It takes time. I'm not saying circumstances don't or can't play a role, but we have our part to play as well. And checking in now aware that I haven't been on fire for God in the same way since before the summer began, and now that I have a difficulty, and am fatigued, it's a checkpoint. The main question lingers: what must I do to not go back to where I was in 2019? Or 2009? Or [insert other years here]?
Tying in the fact that 11 years ago I went on this big epic trip to California that included so many things that happened both before and during the trip, I remember the day before I hopped on that plane. Now, a lot I've forgotten about it (I had to dig up an old blog post to read about it). But I remember helping a stranger out, a man who had come to my old church for the morning service. I invited him to lunch with friends, and bought his meal, and then dropped him off somewhere that he asked me to drop off. But I was angry. In the post that day, I had written that I felt I was "supposed" to be doing something else. That's a load of garbage. In my heart, I didn't want to be going to lunch with the group of friends (or be helping this man out). It wasn't because I didn't specifically want to do either, but rather I wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else. (Never mind that, I did get to "be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else" later that evening, anyway.) Bottom line, I wanted to be in control. And I was angry that I wasn't.
That was also the attitude I was carrying going into this Colorado/California trip. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I periodically would mutter angrily under my breath to God something along the lines of "that California trip had better happen!" over and over. (I don't remember what other angry things I muttered to Him.) But I remember feeling this angry "[bleep] it, I want to be in control because I don't trust You to be in control, and You had better do what I say!" attitude that, quite frankly, has no place in the Kingdom of Heaven. (I had the nerve to order God around on what I thought He should do!) And in 2019, even though I had gotten saved, gotten baptized, spent years in therapy, and grown a heck of a lot, I was back in that same place, with that same attitude.
It's why, earlier this year, when I was angry at the world for not only falling away from God but also that the world was giving Him the middle finger in the process, I became aware and concerned about even therapy taking His place. I kind of talked about it in this post, and I even brought up my concern in the group I was in as I was preparing to leave (I felt that the group and therapy center may have been falling away from Jesus a bit), only to be met with blank stares. An awkward moment, for sure!
But I must apply that to myself, as well.
It's why, a few weeks ago, I felt God prompting me to read through Psalm 119. That same "my will be done" attitude reared up, complaining to Him and telling Him I didn't want to because I found that particular Psalm to be "long" and "boring." I apologized and repented later, and began reading. I've only really made it through the first three sections (there are twenty-two in all). Below are a couple verses that have jumped out to me:
How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
Blessed are You, O Lord!Teach me Your statutes.
But it began something, an attitude check, because it also led to God then asking me if I was doing this:
Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.
He was basically asking me if I loved Him. It was a heart-check. I said yes, recalling a time in 2017 when I saw a piece of paper taped to a window of a store on my street that said: "I love you. Do you love me?" Hours later, hoping to get a photograph, that piece of paper had disappeared. But I knew when I first saw it that it was God asking me that question.
Another verse from Psalm 119 that speaks directly to this:
Blessed are those who keep His testimonies,Who seek Him with the whole heart!
Am I seeking God with the whole of my heart? After reading the first installments of Psalm 119, the same day I complained about the Psalm's length and "boringness," I found myself later muttering "teach me Your statutes" under my breath over and over. Recalling the 2017 event regarding God asking me if I loved Him, I took my time and thought about it. Realizing that speaking faith, even if I didn't feel it right at that moment, was more important than standing by whatever I felt, I said, "yes, I choose to love You. I may not feel it right now, but I am choosing to love You. Because it's important."
It's not a done deal, like I say the right thing and then everything is magically better. Since then, I have found myself out of work and looking once again, and I had a flare-up in my gut. Plus, the hospital bills finally arrived, and right now the total is more than I can afford. Gratefully, it's not a whole lot more than what I can afford, but still. But I'm being tested, because I understand that God wants to know if I will still choose to follow Him and more importantly, love Him, even when things get really hard.
I am sad to say, based on my past responses -- even when I thought I had grown -- that I don't know how my attitude will play out. I want to be able to say that this time I will finally respond differently, and choose to trust Him (both with my words/mutterings as well as my actions), and not harden my heart and take His Name in vain again like I've done. Given what I have said and done and how I've hardened my heart, I realize now that it is only by His grace that I'm still alive and here today to share this with you.
Before I found myself out of work, I did feel God encourage me to let go of the job I was working at. I did so not thinking I was going to be gone from it, but rather I had found that I had created a tunnel vision for myself and the career I'm trying to begin entirely within the scope of this particular job. By letting go, I found myself free to start thinking about what would be beneficial for my career at this beginning stage. Bottom line, I have a template there. But now, I have to once again guard against "my will be done" and instead trust that "God's will be done" will know the exact timing -- and place -- that is best for my next stop.
"Teach me Your statutes" prepares my heart to receive not only God's training but the training I need to succeed at not only the job but the career. Loving God with my whole heart is the next step, because it is, as Jesus said, the First and Greatest Statute. And loving Him with the whole heart means that there will be rewards for it, as Psalm 119:2 and so many other verses say.
Back to the basics.
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