You might (or might not) be wondering why I titled this blog series “sexuality” and not “homosexuality.” If the first two posts in this series hasn’t explained enough, the simple reason is that it is important for both people who are “pro-gay marriage” and people who are “pro-Christian marriage” to get out of the tunnel vision we’ve created about homosexuality. (And for the record, I’m in the latter category.) What I see that has happened, having held one opinion about it before making a life choice to support the opposite opinion, is the particular polarization I’ve seen people on both sides of the issue. We’ve had marches with people holding signs supporting one side, and we’ve had marches with people holding signs supporting the other side. Sometimes we’ve even had them in the same space at the same time!
The point is, until I can sit down as a supporter of pro-Christian marriage with any of my pro-gay marriage friends and have an actual discussion about the topic itself, we have to come to some sort of agreement on the terms ("what is the definition of sexuality?’ "what is the definition of homo-sexuality?"), and we have to then be willing to lay down on the table our core beliefs, our stories, and how and why we’ve come to understand what we believe, in a judgment-free zone. That last part is the most difficult: to be open to hearing the story of someone else around this topic, and to hold our own personal energy, thoughts, opinions, feelings, and judgments, until they’ve finished their story; to ask the other person questions for further clarification, to give us opportunity to understand the other person better, on a human-to-fellow human basis; to then be able to expect the same respect from the other person that we are expected to give. The fact is, everyone who identifies as LGBTQ+, etc, has an accompanying story (a “testimony”, if you will) as for why they identify as such. And in the very same way, every person who identifies as a Christian and a Jesus-follower similarly has his or her own story (testimony) as for how God intervened in their lives to turn them away from their previous behaviors and patterns to live a life that not only follows Jesus but also His call on their lives. I know that in my case, I would coming in to the conversation as a Bible-believing, pro-Christian marriage Christian. The other person likely will not, although it is not for me to automatically assume, “oh, so you’re not a Christian.” Because, unless I’ve heard their story, I won’t know. And while I will remain staunch in my own belief that a story isn’t really a testimony if it doesn’t acknowledge God or Jesus as Lord, this is not the time and place for me to bring that card out. Not yet. Not until I have an idea how and why the other person thinks the way they do, can I really share Jesus in a way that’s specifically effective or meaningful for that person individually.
Back when I was pro-gay marriage and angry about what the Bible appeared to be saying, I still had some understanding of the realness of God and the things that Jesus did for us (like being born of a virgin in a manger, and dying on a cross for our sins). Even though I wouldn’t say I was saved, I would say that I did have conversation with God from time to time (when I wasn’t yelling at Him and telling Him how I think things should work), I would occasionally hear from Him. And in this case, for a while, I felt like what I heard from Him was to “let it go.” Basically, to not obsess about this, and not to let it boil my blood, which, honestly, it did then.
It wasn’t until I’d been a part of the Vineyard Church in Evanston for over a year, and befriended someone who had shared with me a couple books she had been reading, that I felt God use our friendship and our time together to teach me, gently, why He had the particular sexual boundaries He did. True, God will sometimes yell at a person if they’re really bothering Him with their sin (I did experience that personally a few years ago over a season, for very different reasons). But most of the time, He chooses to find ways to be gentle, to point out why the Bible is right and I am not. And with me He was very careful, very painstaking, very methodical. He wanted to reach my heart, which He knew (and knows) is fragile. I experienced Jesus not trying to merely win an argument with me (and again, He could if He wanted); but rather, in relationship, in real time, He wanted me to know that He saw me, as He was also correcting my thinking.
And so to this point, this is how I think I would minister (or at least, attempt to minister) to my pro-gay marriage friends. In the same way that I experienced Jesus do it for me, the best way for me to point out not only what the Bible is saying, but also why it’s right, is for me to also give space to someone who doesn’t agree, and let them know that they are heard and understood even if I don’t agree with the conclusion that they came up with. And this part is key for someone in my position: even the best-managed conversation, painstakingly planned to give the other person space to speak, still won't guarantee that that person will agree with me. Chances are, that person will still stay with the opinion they have. BUT, the point is, a door now has been opened, and they got to experience a Christian (who doesn’t compromise on his beliefs, mind you) still listen to them and give them respect.
Back in the fall I began a series on identity. Because of work and busy-ness, I aborted it after one post. I may someday bring it back. Nay, I hope to. But the reason why it came to mind now is the fact that a big part of the difficulty is the topic of identity. Someone who identifies as gay doesn’t see themselves simply as what they do. They see themselves as “this is who I am.” Any pro-Christian marriage person will need to understand that this is going to be a part of the conversation. Now, ultimately, my goal (and prayer) is to be able to steer the conversation of identity away from sex and attraction and around their unique personality and gifts, just like I would do for anyone else. And I would return to the question about whether there is a God or not, and whether that the only real God is the God of the Bible, with the hope that at some point the conversation around identity turns into the question of one’s identity in Christ.
The bottom line is that I don’t see sexuality as a critical identity piece. Sure, I’m a straight white man in his mid-30s. But I don’t know that I would consider “straight” as much of my identity today. It pales in comparison to my identity as a Bible-believing Christian, a pianist, a musician, an artist-at-large, a man, a leader, an empath, and so on. When I was younger, because of the world I was raised and came of age in, I did at one point determine that being straight was a key part of my identity. But I will say that even in my straightness, there were still some things that God wanted to heal and change. And as a result, my sexuality has changed, even though my “orientation” has remained straight the whole time. (That’ll be another story for another time.)
And so, back to my opening sentence — why I chose to title this series “sexuality” and not “homosexuality” — my hope, once we remove the tunnel vision around homosexuality, is that people on both sides of the issue would be able to see that the true issue around sex is really much larger than this.
I'll close this post with an interesting tidbit: the former senior pastor (now “founding pastor,” as he’s retired) at my church offered an interesting take on how he handles gay marriages. Mind you, this is his personal opinion, and not necessarily something you’ll find written explicitly in Scripture. To start, he makes it clear that, as a Bible-teaching Christian pastor, he will only officiate Christian marriages (so, a marriage between one man and one woman…). But he has also said that if he were invited as a guest to a gay wedding, he would go and support it. For him, just because he stands squarely with the Bible on what is appropriate sexually vs what is not appropriate, he doesn't believe it right to communicate hatred of any kind toward someone who chooses to "become one flesh" with another member of the same sex: no mean words, no ghosting, no condescending looks, none of it. Instead, my pastor chooses to be there as a friend to support the person because he believes God loves them, no matter what. I've never had the opportunity to be part of a gay marriage yet, but this pastor has given me a guideline that I could choose to follow (or not). Something to think upon.
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