Three years ago was probably one of the hardest school years for me to part with. For a large part, the 2006-2007 school year was a welcome change from most years where I relied on self-isolation to get by, and for it I have four friends to thank. [They will remain anonymous, mostly because I haven't asked them for permission to be named here; I do still want to write about this, though.] But each one of them helped me grow in different ways, most noticeably in social confidence. Granted, it's no coincidence that the first half of that school year I was finishing up vision therapy appointments, they in no small part helped un-paralyze my brain and allowed me to take in the things that surrounded me and actually be able to understand them. But each of these friends allowed me to grow and to communicate, little by little. I remember talking to one of them when the year was drawing to a close, how much better I felt about life and how thankful I was to have had these experiences.
What was hard, however, was that each of them were leaving. Three were graduating, and the fourth was transferring to another school far away from the school on a hill in the Upper Midwest. You see, while I finally learned to open up about things that year (beforehand I couldn't trust any of my personal life stories with anyone) and grasp the basics of communication, confidence, and action, there was still the small matter of dealing with some emotions when things would go wrong--such as, all of them leaving to go to places where I wouldn't have the chance to see them regularly (or in two of the cases, at all).
It's funny how perspective and new experiences put old experiences in a new light. May 22nd 2007 was technically the day I moved out of my campus dorm to return to Chicago for the beginning of the summer. But it was also one that would ultimately separate the remainder of my time in college from the rest, and to a lesser degree, the rest of my life to date from my life before that date. If I recall correctly, I said goodbye to only two of these four friends (and in reality, I think those two were the only ones I felt up to saying goodbye of all my friends that year). Part of it was because for many people (including these particular friends) I didn't want to have to say goodbye. I don't believe in goodbyes. I don't believe in conceding to this type of reality with the separation between anyone I know and care about. I hate dispersion.
The day after driving back to Chicago I wrote this post. [“http://amidthenoiseandhaste2.blogspot.com/2007/05/reporting-from-claremont-ave.html”] I was still very much in shock about the year being over, and fumbling with the beginnings of the emotional letdown that would soon follow. At the end of the post I wrote the following: [Yesterday while we were driving back (my mother decided to accompany me) we noticed a bevy of roadkill (deer, mostly) on the side of the road, including one in the middle lane in a section of road that went three lanes in each direction. I'd forgotten how much the deer population had grown, and since I hadn't heard too many roadkill stories since childhood I assumed that it just happened less. Such is life. [And I'm not sure why I included that last paragraph about deer in this post. Maybe I'll know someday.] "Reporting from Claremont Ave" (5.23.2007)] I think I finally may have an idea as to why I decided to talk about all the roadkill I saw on the way back. It was a metaphor for what I saw as the sudden end to the amazingness that was the 2006-2007 school year. At that point in time, it seemed like life was over, I would never again meet people as wonderful as those who graced me with their presences, and for quite some time it was my mood.
In June 2007 I had a telling dream, probably one that was trying to work out these losses in my head. Read here [“http://amidthenoiseandhaste2.blogspot.com/2007/06/dream-for-interpretation.html”] for the fuller synopsis, but basically I was with a large group of people, supposedly comprised of my best friends. While returning home from an evening out, the groups got separated into two and I went bonkers trying to make sure everyone made it safely onto the subway. They all managed to stay together, but somehow the train left without me and with all of them. I think I spent most of the rest of the dream utterly lost, another direct metaphor. [Of course, I had no idea how telling it would be until three years later, when I realized I had spent those intervening years in exile from God. For me, that's what I call lost.]
Back to the four friends: amazingly, three years later, I've been able to remain in touch with all of them. Two of them I've gotten to actually hang out with on a semi-regular basis when I was living in Minnesota. One I've seen once since their departure, and one I still have yet to see. I suppose in that respect, it's a better average than for which I could have dreamed of hitting. I do still hope to get in regular contact with all of them again, and to see all of them again (not necessarily at the same time), but I suppose it'll all work out. Somehow.
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Postscript: not too long after I graduated from college in 2008, I briefly had plans to write about each of the school years in nice little boxes. I'd gotten the inspiration from another blogging friend from a few years back, who'd attempted the same after he graduated. I eventually lost interest, though, and discovered that I needed to gain some perspective from the college years before writing about them. I've also learned that I don't like putting things in nice little boxes, and I don't like over-romanticizing things. I mean, it's just college. I'm grateful to have had the privilege to study music (specifically composition, but also many other subjects) and make friends, both of which I never really, really allowed myself to do before that time. But, as I've been forced to discover over the last couple of years, there is life outside of school; in a weird way it's actually been the best for me.
Above all, what I've found out is I'm grateful for the privilege to continue to be friends with people that I originally knew in other places. In my first year out of school, I had a small group of friends with whom I probably hung out with every weekend, and on many occasions I found myself saying how glad I was that we were still friends even though we weren't in school anymore. In it, I found the most important thing. For the longest time, I had been afraid of the end of college because of this inevitable dispersion that would occur, because said dispersion would result in severed connection. That is what had bothered me the most about it. Thankfully, due to new experiences with old and new friends, I can happily say that I can finally have something constant to enjoy in spite of all the unavoidable changes in life.
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